Just about had enough... (Long) Updates 53, 62 Final 99

[Katana_Geldar]

Roe, the difference is in previous years I've been the one "compromising" with everything. As in I've been giving in to them. This is something they're used to, when I spoke to youngest sister she said "Surely we'd be better to go to family gathering instead." as if she was assuming I was going to fold.

There's also the fact they don't quite get where we live, and how tricky it is to get to via public transport. Particularly from my Dads place where they are staying. Have I mentioned that my uncles place, where the family gathering is, is a walkable distance from my Dads?

They suggested visiting that night, but my Dad and I know this is just not going to happen. After the family gathering, taking a 2-3 hour journey via public transport (in the evening on a weekend nonetheless when options are limited) is just not going to happen. I know after a big family event, the last thing I'd want to do would be to make a long journey to and from somewhere, even if I wasn't pregnant. Putting aside the fact that DH would have a few choice words to say to my sisters if he saw either one in person.

So, the lunch is going to be on with just myself, DH and my Dad this Sunday. We're going, like we originally planned but I don't think DH is going to be amenable to any future gatherings with them and I can't say I blame him.

[JoyinVirginia]

Op, traveling when you are well along in pregnancy is not fun. Traveling with an infant can be challenging as well. So might as well get your sisters used to the fact that you will not be traveling long distances by public transportation for some time to come.

Personal disclosure that may be TMI:  when I wad pregnant, both times, I had morning noon and night nausea and occasionally vomiting. From early on until delivery. My doctor said it meant my hormone levels were really high and that was a good thing. Yea. No, I did not go anywhere that was too far away. Luckily I worked in an office that was very very close to the bathroom.
Sometimes when someone says they can't travel, there are really good reasons not to travel, that have nothing to do with the other people involved.

[Lynn2000]

I think you've made a good decision, OP. Sometimes, you do have to do what works best for you, even if other people don't find it as convenient. I think the thing is to really own that decision and be comfortable with it. Your sisters aren't going to magically change their point of view, especially with the history of you doing whatever they want. Of course they would prefer that continue, it's all to their advantage.

So I think you just have to get used to saying, "This is what we're doing, you are free to join us if you want," and then drop the rope--if you can't compromise or the compromises they suggest don't work for you, "that won't be possible" and you just go on with your life. Not all sisters really have anything in common or are friends once they grow up, and wishing they were different sorts of people is just an exercise in futility.

I hate to seem harsh, though. Probably in your shoes I would make them other offers for later, like hosting them at my house in early spring or buying them a meal at a restaurant which is partway between our locations. Depends on the situation, of course. Or go out of my way to set up appointments to Skype with them, especially after the baby is born. Basically I would try to show that I want to keep up with them, but no, I'm not just going to do it in whatever way they want, I will give a little but they have to give a little, too. And if they don't care to continue the relationship if they don't get their own way completely, well, then you know where you stand. 

[LifeOnPluto]

Roe, the difference is in previous years I've been the one "compromising" with everything. As in I've been giving in to them. This is something they're used to, when I spoke to youngest sister she said "Surely we'd be better to go to family gathering instead." as if she was assuming I was going to fold.

There's also the fact they don't quite get where we live, and how tricky it is to get to via public transport. Particularly from my Dads place where they are staying. Have I mentioned that my uncles place, where the family gathering is, is a walkable distance from my Dads?

They suggested visiting that night, but my Dad and I know this is just not going to happen. After the family gathering, taking a 2-3 hour journey via public transport (in the evening on a weekend nonetheless when options are limited) is just not going to happen. I know after a big family event, the last thing I'd want to do would be to make a long journey to and from somewhere, even if I wasn't pregnant. Putting aside the fact that DH would have a few choice words to say to my sisters if he saw either one in person.

So, the lunch is going to be on with just myself, DH and my Dad this Sunday. We're going, like we originally planned but I don't think DH is going to be amenable to any future gatherings with them and I can't say I blame him.

If the family gathering is so close to your dad's house, why don't you just swing by for a while after your lunch?

Or is your dad travelling out your way for the lunch?

[Katana_Geldar]

Because we're having lunch in the city, which is convenient for everyone.

[DavidH]

I suppose I don't understand the issue.  There are only a couple of options and all most have been ruled out for one reason or another.

It seems the solution is for you, DH and your father to  have lunch, and then you go home and you father does whatever he wants to do.  Don't see your sisters, since both you and DH don't want to and that's that. I don't see any dilemma here.

[Aluminum]

Because we're having lunch in the city, which is convenient for everyone.

Except for your sisters, who would like to go to the family get-together while they're in town.  So it's convenient for you.


You're fine, with regards to etiquette; you don't really want to see your sisters, you're irritated by their habits--that honestly is a completely valid response and reason to decide not to see them. My recommendation is to simply own it. Stop trying to cast your sisters as the Villains Who Won't Bend; IMO it doesn't play well.  Just decide that this year, you shan't see them, and go have a cup of tea to celebrate your decision.

[LifeOnPluto]

Because we're having lunch in the city, which is convenient for everyone.

Except for your sisters, who would like to go to the family get-together while they're in town.  So it's convenient for you.


You're fine, with regards to etiquette; you don't really want to see your sisters, you're irritated by their habits--that honestly is a completely valid response and reason to decide not to see them. My recommendation is to simply own it. Stop trying to cast your sisters as the Villains Who Won't Bend; IMO it doesn't play well.  Just decide that this year, you shan't see them, and go have a cup of tea to celebrate your decision.

I agree. Yes, it would be nice to see your sisters (and better still if they made a special effort to work around your schedule, rather than convince you to work around their own). But it's not the end of the world if you don't see them for this Christmas period. There's always next year.

[Deetee]

Because we're having lunch in the city, which is convenient for everyone.

Except for your sisters, who would like to go to the family get-together while they're in town.  So it's convenient for you.


You're fine, with regards to etiquette; you don't really want to see your sisters, you're irritated by their habits--that honestly is a completely valid response and reason to decide not to see them. My recommendation is to simply own it. Stop trying to cast your sisters as the Villains Who Won't Bend; IMO it doesn't play well.  Just decide that this year, you shan't see them, and go have a cup of tea to celebrate your decision.

I completely agree with this. Both that the OP made a decision that was convenient for her and her DH without regards to her sisters. And, second,  that there is nothing wrong with living the way you prefer. You don't need to pretend that you want to see people who make your life difficult and are unpleasant. But just own that that decision and avoid all the weird passive-aggressive "I just booked this meal directly on top of the only other big event and no-one should be upset about it"

[Katana_Geldar]

So, now Christmas is over I'll give the final update...

Lunch was good, was a very hot day and restaurant was so cool and breezy that we stayed there about four hours. We did talk about what had happened, and my Dad did try and defend some of what they did and make excuses...which wasn't great but he does respect my and DH's right not to listen to them.

I also got a few texts from younger sister that I thought was best not to respond to. She still thinks that by apologising things can go back to what they were. I had accepted her apologies previously, but I'm not getting pulled into her dramas again. I spoke to her at Christmas, something I was a bit hesitant about but it went well, we were both polite and cordial but not close. It was awkward, but could have been worse. I talked a bit more to youngest sister, bust she was more interested in talking to me.

And yesterday we met youngest sister and my Dad for lunch near our place and that went rather well. Youngest sister and I talked about the whole thing but she says she doesn't want to get involved or take sides, which I really appreciated and told her so. I did mention how I felt about them going to see extended family rather than me, but she said she had always intended to see me anyway while she was there.

I do have a few regrets with younger sister, but it's not something I can do anything about. I can't change her behaviour, but I do wish things were different. I've also found out a few things from my dad why my mum always saw treated me and my sisters differently that I don't want to go into.

[LifeOnPluto]

Sounds like things went okay, all things considered. I'm glad your youngest sister was willing to make an effort to see you one-on-one (well, with your dad, anyway).

[Aluminum]

We did talk about what had happened, and my Dad did try and defend some of what they did and make excuses...which wasn't great but he does respect my and DH's right not to listen to them.
[snip]
I talked a bit more to youngest sister, bust she was more interested in talking to me.
[snip]
And yesterday we met youngest sister and my Dad for lunch near our place and that went rather well. Youngest sister and I talked about the whole thing but she says she doesn't want to get involved or take sides, which I really appreciated and told her so. I did mention how I felt about them going to see extended family rather than me...

OK, this update tells me that we simply were not given the full story upon initial telling.  Or at least I hope so.  Because based on your response here, I'd reckon you were the one who caused the drama, frankly.

You refused to see your sisters' point of view when your father felt strongly enough to try to enunciate it; you ignored texts that apparently were apologetic from another sister (which, IMO, considering you pulled a strop due to others not changing their schedules for you regardless of what their desires were, was actually quite generous on her part), and you seem to be disgruntled that yet another sister was more interested in actually talking to you than in rehashing some sort of odd sibling standoff. And even though your youngest sibling made it clear she didn't want to be dragged into your drama, you still managed to "mention" said drama and evoke a reaction from her, which rather ignores her earlier request. And I find it hypocritical, since you expect your father to "respect [you and your DH's] right not to listen to them [meaning, I assume, the sisters]".

I'm really, really hoping there was a LOT left out of this story.  Because (and if I am alone, please, folks, pile on to tell me so--I may have missed something huge here which would change my opinion!) otherwise, I would personally assume the one who is causing all of the tension and drama is the OP.

[Steve]

Aluminum raises some interesting points, but I feel we are veering off etiquette and towards relational advice.

[aussie_chick]

Agree it sounds like there is more to this story and also agree Aluminium raises some interesting points.
Glad it went reasonably well.

[dirtyweasel]

So, now Christmas is over I'll give the final update...

I did mention how I felt about them going to see extended family rather than me

I really don't get this part right here.  From your posts you make it sound like you don't really like your sisters and that the main reason they were in town was to go to a family reunion.  They expressed to you that they would like to have lunch with you and told you that the one day wasn't going to be possible because of the reunion and when they tried to reschedule you refused due to a busy schedule...yet...you tell your sister that you're disappointed in her for going to see extended family rather than you?