Author Topic: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?  (Read 17030 times)

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gen xer

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #30 on: December 10, 2013, 03:03:46 PM »
The fault lies with Ron and Amy for imposing other guests that were not invited and for disreagrding the hosts wishes that Bob not be included.  Still....maybe it's just me but I find turning someone away at the door is a little extreme unless they have done something really egregious to the hosts / society in general.  Maybe Bob's social graces are a little lacking but I'm not sure it warrants being turned away for Ron and Amy's rude behaviour.

That being said if Ron and Amy continue to disrespect your wishes about who is invited I would stop inviting them and tell them why.  You don't have to say anything nasty about Bob - you could just make it about the principle that invitations issued do not include others and that you are not prepared to host others.

I have been assaulted at home before. I've had other people show up unwanted, physically refuse to leave, indicate that their desires were not at all in alignment with my own, and I ended up calling the police as a last resort after numerous warnings before things escalated. There is no way I am ever having someone unwanted in my house. I am simply not comfortable with it at all, even if it's someone whom I've never met and who hasn't harmed a fly. I've been in that situation and there is no way I'm ever voluntarily putting myself into it again. This is just me, though. But I wanted to point it out to show that turning an unknown/unwanted person away might seem odd to some people, but to others, to do otherwise is unthinkable.

It's your own home. If certain people aren't welcome, then it shouldn't be seen as over the top to enforce that. "He's a nice guy" doesn't cut it. If they're not wanted, then it is perfectly fine for the host to enforce that. Further, someone who has shown that they have no respect for the host (by imposing themselves when not invited) isn't someone who can be expected to respect the host in other areas as well (e.g. treating their home, belongings, or guests as the host would wish it), or to otherwise behave reasonably or put anyone else but themselves first.

Of course you aren't obligated to have someone in your home that you don't want.  But to me it is a very strong message to send someone. I can only speak for myself but I have been the one who was out with a friend who wanted to drop by another acquaintance's home briefly.  If that acquaintance has said "sorry - she is not coming into my house - I only wanted you" I would be very offended.

To me it is like a cut direct - once you've made that kind of statement ( and refusing admittance is a pretty strong statement ) it's going to result in hurt feelings.  Maybe nobody cares much for Bob....but it is Ron and Amy that are at fault and it seems like Bob is going to suffer the consequences and get hurt.

I'm not suggesting that the OP's have to suffer silently for all eternity - but I think it would be best confined to telling Ron and Amy that they have no business inviting others along.  If Bob tags along next time after you told them I would be gracious and allow him in ( for all he knows he thinks he's welcome )....and then that would be the end of inviting Ron and Amy to my home.

Would you be so offended if the last time you had stopped by this person's home you had harassed other guests and vomited on their living room furniture? Because that's a pretty understandable position to take, from my point of view. Bob is responsible for his own behavior and from what I see, I don't blame anybody for giving him the cut direct. And if Ron and Amy continued to enable that behavior, by bringing him to places where they know he is explicitly not invited, they deserve the cut direct as well.

Well...if I directly offended someone I could understand.....but do we refuse admittance for something that happened elsewhere?    I know I take with a grain of salt eveything I hear about people second hand and I think we could still be gracious to Bob.  I got the impression that the party scenario was just an example of why Bob isn't welcome.  I am not trying to say Bob "should" be invited everywhere....just that I think I would give him the benefit of the doubt and not slam the door in his face because of what is essentially Ron and Amy's rude behaviour.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #31 on: December 10, 2013, 03:09:50 PM »
gen xer, you are a much better (wo)man than I.  There is no way a guy I didn't care for, who wasn't invited, who puked all over a friend's house would ever cross my threshold.

I'd also be giving Ron and Amy an ultimatum.  'Bob is not invited.  Do not bring him with you.  If you do bring him with you, I will not allow him in my home.  If you are his ride, you will have to figure out how to get him home.  And if you do bring him, unfortunately, I won't be able to invite you to any more events I host for fear that you will bring him again.'
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TootsNYC

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #32 on: December 10, 2013, 03:20:45 PM »

Well...if I directly offended someone I could understand.....but do we refuse admittance for something that happened elsewhere?    I know I take with a grain of salt eveything I hear about people second hand and I think we could still be gracious to Bob.  I got the impression that the party scenario was just an example of why Bob isn't welcome.  I am not trying to say Bob "should" be invited everywhere....just that I think I would give him the benefit of the doubt and not slam the door in his face because of what is essentially Ron and Amy's rude behaviour.

Yes, we would. I'd be slamming the door in his face because of HIS boorish behavior.

I'm not going to ignore warning signals like that. If Bob wants to be welcome other places, he needs to guard his reputation better.

Ditto Amy and Ron.

gen xer

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #33 on: December 10, 2013, 03:35:17 PM »
I agree with PPs, tell Ron and Amy ahead of time that Bob is absolutely not welcome at your house. Let them know that if they turn up with him, he will be turned away at the door, and if they are his ride they will be turned away at the door as well. He is not coming in your house, at all, no questions asked. Let them know ahead of time that if they do bring him, you'll have to consider carefully if you keep inviting them to events. Be upfront with them about the possible consequences. Then follow through.

It's definitely awkward to turn someone away at your doorstep, but you're not rude just by living your boundaries. Ron and Amy are rude if they are specifically told not to do something and then do it anyway. Bob is rude for several other reasons, but he may not honestly know that he's not invited to these events. If Ron and Amy talk about the parties in front of him, he may think he's invited. I've missed out on several parties because I was waiting to be specifically invited, and the group of people was of a midset that if they're talking about it in front of you, you're invited, get with someone to get the details.

I'm not trying to excuse Bob's boorish behavior elsewhere, just saying that he may honestly think he's invited to all these gatherings. It may come out of the blue for him to be turned away at the door.

Yes......that is where I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe he doesn't deserve it....and I don't want to excuse his behaviour either....just that it sounds like he's going to get the brunt of it.  Ron and Amy pull boneheaded moves dragging him everywhere he isn't wanted yet he's the one who will get the door shut in his face.

Maybe I'm a sucker but I have this impression of a lonely, socially awkward man who would probably be hurt and bewildered to be told he wasn't allowed to come in.  I just don't think I would have the heart to do it.

I feel a little sorry for him actually.

Twik

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #34 on: December 10, 2013, 03:47:27 PM »
If someone cannot figure out after vomiting on someone's couch why he's not welcome in their social set any more, he's beyond help.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #35 on: December 10, 2013, 03:56:18 PM »
Ron and Amy pull boneheaded moves dragging him everywhere he isn't wanted yet he's the one who will get the door shut in his face.

I have a feeling that if he didn't creep out the women and vomit over pieces of furniture then he wouldn't be having the door shut in his face. it isn't that he is paying for Ron and Amy's mistakes. It is that Ron and Amy are giving him the opportunity to show his bacon-fed knave and he is running with that as much as he can. So he is bearing the brunt of the consequences for his own actions.

TootsNYC

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #36 on: December 10, 2013, 03:58:20 PM »
The OP had asked for specific examples of what someone actually did in real life--I'd love to hear more of those.


I think those might have the specifics that would help the OP out.

hobish

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #37 on: December 10, 2013, 04:03:08 PM »
I see where you're coming from gen xer, especially with not wanting to cause what would probably be some severely hurt feelings over something i hadn't witnessed firsthand ( I couldn't tell from the OP if she had actually had). If it came down to it and i really needed to shut the door on someone i like JenJay's way of going about it. It's a good modified option C, i think.


I would make it very clear that Bob was NOT welcome, going so far as to offer suggestions on how to shake him and giving them a warning about being uninvited if they wouldn't.

"We're having a small party on Date at Time and we'd love to have you. This is uncomfortable, but I need to make it explicitly clear that Bob is not welcome. Tell him you're going on a date, visiting a sick relative, whatever, but please do not bring him to my party. If you can't figure out how to get out of the house without him please don't come. Again, we love you and very much hope to see you, but do not bring Bob."

Worst case scenario, if they show up with him, I'd probably glare at them and say "Oh sorry, I guess you didn't get the message. The party has been canceled." and shut the door before they could reply.
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gen xer

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #38 on: December 10, 2013, 04:03:47 PM »

Well...if I directly offended someone I could understand.....but do we refuse admittance for something that happened elsewhere?    I know I take with a grain of salt eveything I hear about people second hand and I think we could still be gracious to Bob.  I got the impression that the party scenario was just an example of why Bob isn't welcome.  I am not trying to say Bob "should" be invited everywhere....just that I think I would give him the benefit of the doubt and not slam the door in his face because of what is essentially Ron and Amy's rude behaviour.

Yes, we would. I'd be slamming the door in his face because of HIS boorish behavior.

I'm not going to ignore warning signals like that. If Bob wants to be welcome other places, he needs to guard his reputation better.

Ditto Amy and Ron.

See that's just where I'm not on board.  It would be different if he offended me or my family.....but what happened with others....not so much.  Just because I don't know really what goes on when I'm not directly involved - I have friends who are really easily "creeped out" and others that tend to exagggerate things....that's why I kind of like to see for myself.

But I guess that's my comfort level.  I have a pretty high freak tolerance  :P

The OP has said he isn't really a bad sort....

gen xer

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #39 on: December 10, 2013, 04:04:48 PM »
I see where you're coming from gen xer, especially with not wanting to cause what would probably be some severely hurt feelings over something i hadn't witnessed firsthand ( I couldn't tell from the OP if she had actually had). If it came down to it and i really needed to shut the door on someone i like JenJay's way of going about it. It's a good modified option C, i think.


I would make it very clear that Bob was NOT welcome, going so far as to offer suggestions on how to shake him and giving them a warning about being uninvited if they wouldn't.

"We're having a small party on Date at Time and we'd love to have you. This is uncomfortable, but I need to make it explicitly clear that Bob is not welcome. Tell him you're going on a date, visiting a sick relative, whatever, but please do not bring him to my party. If you can't figure out how to get out of the house without him please don't come. Again, we love you and very much hope to see you, but do not bring Bob."

Worst case scenario, if they show up with him, I'd probably glare at them and say "Oh sorry, I guess you didn't get the message. The party has been canceled." and shut the door before they could reply.

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m2kbug

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #40 on: December 10, 2013, 04:11:12 PM »
I agree with PPs, tell Ron and Amy ahead of time that Bob is absolutely not welcome at your house. Let them know that if they turn up with him, he will be turned away at the door, and if they are his ride they will be turned away at the door as well. He is not coming in your house, at all, no questions asked. Let them know ahead of time that if they do bring him, you'll have to consider carefully if you keep inviting them to events. Be upfront with them about the possible consequences. Then follow through.

It's definitely awkward to turn someone away at your doorstep, but you're not rude just by living your boundaries. Ron and Amy are rude if they are specifically told not to do something and then do it anyway. Bob is rude for several other reasons, but he may not honestly know that he's not invited to these events. If Ron and Amy talk about the parties in front of him, he may think he's invited. I've missed out on several parties because I was waiting to be specifically invited, and the group of people was of a midset that if they're talking about it in front of you, you're invited, get with someone to get the details.

I'm not trying to excuse Bob's boorish behavior elsewhere, just saying that he may honestly think he's invited to all these gatherings. It may come out of the blue for him to be turned away at the door.

Yes......that is where I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe he doesn't deserve it....and I don't want to excuse his behaviour either....just that it sounds like he's going to get the brunt of it.  Ron and Amy pull boneheaded moves dragging him everywhere he isn't wanted yet he's the one who will get the door shut in his face.

Maybe I'm a sucker but I have this impression of a lonely, socially awkward man who would probably be hurt and bewildered to be told he wasn't allowed to come in.  I just don't think I would have the heart to do it.

I feel a little sorry for him actually.

GenXer, I get what you're saying and you may be right, Bob may not even know he wasn't invited and probably a larger burden of blame needs to go to R&A for inviting him, talking about events in front of him, and allowing him to tag along.  No matter what, Bob is going to get hurt, and perhaps if R&A show up with Bob, the three of them need to be asked to leave, not just Bob, and R&A need to be told exactly why.  They have been told in the past Bob is not welcome, yet bring him anyway, and no one as of yet has allowed them to suffer the consequences by asking them to leave, all three of them.  No one wants to be the bad guy. 

I have never had a full confrontation of asking someone to leave.  I did have one friend that would get fall-down drunk and I asked that someone take him home.  That's all I said, "Someone needs to take him home."  It was one of my (ex)husband's friends and someone took him home, I don't remember the how's or the what's beyond that. 

wolfie

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #41 on: December 10, 2013, 04:12:20 PM »

Well...if I directly offended someone I could understand.....but do we refuse admittance for something that happened elsewhere?    I know I take with a grain of salt eveything I hear about people second hand and I think we could still be gracious to Bob.  I got the impression that the party scenario was just an example of why Bob isn't welcome.  I am not trying to say Bob "should" be invited everywhere....just that I think I would give him the benefit of the doubt and not slam the door in his face because of what is essentially Ron and Amy's rude behaviour.

Yes, we would. I'd be slamming the door in his face because of HIS boorish behavior.

I'm not going to ignore warning signals like that. If Bob wants to be welcome other places, he needs to guard his reputation better.

Ditto Amy and Ron.

See that's just where I'm not on board.  It would be different if he offended me or my family.....but what happened with others....not so much.  Just because I don't know really what goes on when I'm not directly involved - I have friends who are really easily "creeped out" and others that tend to exagggerate things....that's why I kind of like to see for myself.

But I guess that's my comfort level.  I have a pretty high freak tolerance  :P

The OP has said he isn't really a bad sort....

Yes she did - right after saying that she doesn't want him in her house. I am thinking that the OP has had enough first hand experience to know that she doesn't like/trust Bob. And also there is a point where you don't need to hear it firsthand - if 10 people say Bob is creepy and vomits over furniture then you should assume that Bob doesn't act appropriately.  One person might exaggerate. 2 might be a coincidence. But 10 is saying there is something not quite right with Bob.

TootsNYC

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #42 on: December 10, 2013, 04:12:46 PM »
I like JenJay's suggested script as well.

It gives Amy and Rob some help if they've just not been able to figure out how to ditch the boor.

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #43 on: December 10, 2013, 04:14:24 PM »
I think of this as someone showing up with uninvited children - apparently they did not understand that the invitation was for adults only (Ron & Amy)  NO CHILDREN (not Bob).

I would body block the doorway and say sorry we are full tonight perhaps another time.  Close door.

If they are so rude as to bring an uninvited guest after being specifically told not to do this; I would be rude enough to refuse entrance for them.  Two rudes don't make a right but they will keep your uninvited guest OUT.

   




Twik

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Re: Turning away uninvited guests - what did you do?
« Reply #44 on: December 10, 2013, 04:15:38 PM »
Ron and Amy need to learn that they can't keep dragging their own guests to other people's parties. They're being pretty boorish as well. I'd tell them up front Bob's not welcome, and if they bring him, I'm afraid all three will have to leave.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."