Author Topic: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."  (Read 10089 times)

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Yvaine

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #60 on: December 12, 2013, 11:17:10 AM »
More about the exotic dancer wife . . .

No one would've thought twice if she had dressed and acted appropriately.  She was wearing a bright red dress, with her enormous bazoongas hanging out; the dress was slit to hip level, and she was purposely flashing a lot of leg.  She was brazenly flirting with men as if she were at her place of business rather than ours.  She was making enough of a scene that it was a disruption.

There were conservative high level executives present, and I think the decision to discuss the matter with her husband came from the top.

The responsibility really lies with the husband.  The wife may not have been to a professional function before and not known what to expect.  He should've provided some guidance, as well as reining her in once there.

Yeah, from her perspective she probably thought "I'm dressed formally, and being friendly." Her husband should have tipped her off as to how women normally dress for such events, but he may have been too tickled at the idea of showing her off.  ::)

English1

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #61 on: December 12, 2013, 11:33:13 AM »
OP - your brother is just mad as now he has to take her to his works do, instead of dumping her off on you.

Next time don't try to argue/explain, just say 'no, that won't be possible'.

EllenS

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #62 on: December 12, 2013, 11:37:12 AM »
I don't think it's unreasonable - from a professional perspective - to link someone's career advancement/prospects to the behavior of a SO (or even a Plus-One) at work events.

If your SO is such a hot mess that they can't keep it together and behave appropriately at a work event (whether through ignorance, illness, addiction or just being flaky), then sooner or later that is going to create chaos in your working life.  And if you were bringing people who behave inappropriately who are not even your SO, just a date or a family member, that would show a profound lack of judgement, or boundaries.

Leadership/high-responsibility positions + personal chaos/distraction = bad for the bottom line.

So, good for OP for saying "no" and hopefully this will pay off in improved family boundaries - and work prospects - in the future.

rose red

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #63 on: December 12, 2013, 11:54:45 AM »
Like many have said, like it or not, we are judge by our behavior and by the company we keep.  It doesn't matter if you are white collar or blue collar, at a fancy hotel reception room or a cheap buffet.  I once worked at a grocery store and the Christmas party was held in the break room.  Sure we laughed and joked, be we still behaved respectfully because we still have to face each other at work the next day.

Just because the OP's brother want to have a good time without his own wife doesn't mean he can force someone else to "date" and entertain her.  He's basically saying "Hey, I want to have fun.  I don't care if you don't have fun at your party.  You don't matter.  Take my wife and babysit her.  She doesn't matter either."  Does the wife even want to attend a fancy schmancy party full of strangers?  I'm very interested in what she wants.

VorFemme

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #64 on: December 12, 2013, 12:20:23 PM »
I have a SIL (and an ex-SIL) who dress rather revealingly, from the point of view of someone who grew up in a preacher's household - that doesn't always mean red satin slit up to oh-my-goodness and down to good-gracious-she-fell-out-of-her-dress.  Or with sheer panels showing a stripe of naked body from shoulder to ankle, front & back (what the Thor co-star wore just recently comes to mind).

I have to say, that "dressing up" to go out should take a little more effort and more clothing than going to the beach or going out to a strip club (whether to work or watch the male Chippendale dancers for a "hen night").

Too many younger women (and too many older ones) seem to think that only skin tight clothes showing lots of skin are attractive.  I've seen "waterfall dresses" (the fabric skims over the body from the outside curves, concealing some things, hugging the body here or there briefly as the woman moved, but not appearing painted on - it was leaving some mysteries to be discovered by a hypothetical potential lover that not everyone at the event got to see while "she" was still dressed & walking in or dancing).

As opposed to enough red satin to make a skimpy nightie for a hot night...
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

SoCalVal

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #65 on: December 12, 2013, 02:45:01 PM »


Like it or not, this often is the way the world works.  If you have two individuals vying for the same promotion and they are equal in everything, the powers-that-be have to figure out how to select one over the other and, like it or not, inappropriate spouse behavior could be the deciding factor if things like client meetings that include spouses have to be taken into consideration.

I think it absolutely is appropriate for the world to judge you by your choice of spouse.
Or by your choice of friends.

The key word is choice.

I don't think it's fair to judge someone by the behavior of the people they don't -choose- to be around.

Oh, I'm not saying it's fair.  I'm not even saying that this is *my* hiring practice or that of my current employer.  However, I can think of one industry where I worked (commercial real estate) where I could totally see this coming into play (lots of client meetings including spouses, millions of dollars at stake).



TootsNYC

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #66 on: December 12, 2013, 02:52:05 PM »


Like it or not, this often is the way the world works.  If you have two individuals vying for the same promotion and they are equal in everything, the powers-that-be have to figure out how to select one over the other and, like it or not, inappropriate spouse behavior could be the deciding factor if things like client meetings that include spouses have to be taken into consideration.

I think it absolutely is appropriate for the world to judge you by your choice of spouse.
Or by your choice of friends.

The key word is choice.

I don't think it's fair to judge someone by the behavior of the people they don't -choose- to be around.

Oh, I'm not saying it's fair.  I'm not even saying that this is *my* hiring practice or that of my current employer.  However, I can think of one industry where I worked (commercial real estate) where I could totally see this coming into play (lots of client meetings including spouses, millions of dollars at stake).


By my statement I meant:
   -don't judge a child by his parents, unless he chooses to involve them very deeply in his life (i.e., DO judge him if he brings them to a work function, judge him; but if they call the office unprompted, cut him some black)

-don't judge a person because he's related to criminal cousins (but DO judge him if he invites them over all the time)

So, at any work party, if he brings someone with him, by all means DO judge him by that association. Or by his lack of spine in saying "no, Mom, you can't come to my company party."

SoCalVal

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #67 on: December 12, 2013, 03:11:53 PM »


Like it or not, this often is the way the world works.  If you have two individuals vying for the same promotion and they are equal in everything, the powers-that-be have to figure out how to select one over the other and, like it or not, inappropriate spouse behavior could be the deciding factor if things like client meetings that include spouses have to be taken into consideration.

I think it absolutely is appropriate for the world to judge you by your choice of spouse.
Or by your choice of friends.

The key word is choice.

I don't think it's fair to judge someone by the behavior of the people they don't -choose- to be around.

Oh, I'm not saying it's fair.  I'm not even saying that this is *my* hiring practice or that of my current employer.  However, I can think of one industry where I worked (commercial real estate) where I could totally see this coming into play (lots of client meetings including spouses, millions of dollars at stake).


By my statement I meant:
   -don't judge a child by his parents, unless he chooses to involve them very deeply in his life (i.e., DO judge him if he brings them to a work function, judge him; but if they call the office unprompted, cut him some black)

-don't judge a person because he's related to criminal cousins (but DO judge him if he invites them over all the time)

So, at any work party, if he brings someone with him, by all means DO judge him by that association. Or by his lack of spine in saying "no, Mom, you can't come to my company party."

Ah, apologies for misunderstanding.  Although you *do* bring up an interesting point here

   -don't judge a child by his parents

At one of the real estate companies where I used to work, we did have a broker who was very popular and was quite well-connected...but he also has famous parents because one is in prison for killing the other one (a few TV movies were even made about the case).  There was a lot of water-cooler gossip when he joined the company, but no one held his parents against him (AFAIK as he did quite well in the industry).




Piratelvr1121

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #68 on: December 13, 2013, 03:00:25 PM »
I know in the military, the soldier/sailor/airman/marine, etc's spouse or date to company events can have an impact on his career.  DH served in the Marines for 5 years and in the four years we were married and the two times I had the chance to attend the ball, I did my best to dress in a classy way and behave myself, knowing my behavior could come back on him. 

I don't recall seeing many women who did act up but then the first time I left the ballroom as soon as it was polite to as I wasn't feeling well due to being pregnant with our first, so if anything happened after that, I've no idea.  The second time we stuck around long enough for me to get dh to do one slow dance with me then we went home since my mother was watching both the older boys and the youngest was just a couple weeks old.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Sophia

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #69 on: December 13, 2013, 03:16:30 PM »
But, really, do people take their SIL's to company parties?  Let us pretend the SIL was the type that would blend in and not cause trouble.  Who brings their SIL to someone else's party?  Who wants to go to the company party of where your SIL works? 

bloo

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #70 on: December 14, 2013, 10:08:48 AM »
But, really, do people take their SIL's to company parties?  Let us pretend the SIL was the type that would blend in and not cause trouble.  Who brings their SIL to someone else's party?  Who wants to go to the company party of where your SIL works?

Yeah, unless SIL was in the industry or an industry related to it, I don't see why SIL would want to go or why OP would want her there.