Author Topic: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."  (Read 9508 times)

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Deetee

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2013, 11:22:37 AM »
Two choices.

1) Say no and your SIL has some hurt feelings and your BIL is cranky.

2) Say yes and you will bring an unmitigated disaster to your work party.

I vote for 1)

circlekiller

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2013, 11:31:26 AM »
To MurPl1, please don't take offense.  I have no issues with any field one choose to be in.  I mention it because in comparison to my events, they are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  In the past, they have been held at sports bars and D&B's and are much more casual, in both dress and atmosphere (last year it was held at a popular biker bar in my area).  There are no women at his company.  My work events are very formal and definitely have a more reserved atmosphere.  This year his event is being held at hoo-hoo-hooters so it's definitely (IMHO) somewhere I consider to be guy-centric and not somewhere where most men would bring S/O for an event I would think.  His co-workers are nice guys but they tend to get "filed with the Christmas spirit" (or some spirit, lol) and can get boisterous.  Hope that make sense.


m2kbug

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2013, 11:32:39 AM »
I think at this point I would really just try to avoid the topic with your brother.  He is well aware of the problems with his wife, her manner of dress, her behavior, but you're the one catching flack for it.  His plan backfired, and I suspect, like others, that this was his way of hopefully getting out of dragging his wife to his Christmas party and pawning her off on you.  I think if the topic presents itself again, if you can't deflect it, simply tell him it was wrong of him to make arrangements and invite his wife without clearing it with you first.  You can tell him this Christmas party at work was more of a professional/business event than a social event, and it would not be appropriate to bring along your buddies anyway.  You could state the obvious problems when she starts drinking.  It's not like it's a secret, but I think your best best is to try to stay out it as best as possible.

For the future, I think the best thing would just be to say, "Sorry, I already made other arrangements," or "this is for employees and their spouses only." (and significant others)

Audrey Quest

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2013, 11:38:56 AM »
I think there s a commercial about stuffing a candy bar in your mouth to keep from saying anything while giving one time to think.

Some good suggestions about not offering excuses and just sayinf that it won't be possible or you've made other plans.

Why are you not "cool" to him?  He was very rude to you trying to push his wife on you as a date.  If she was good company, then you seek her out.  They don't get it.

nyoprinces

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2013, 11:45:29 AM »
If you hadn't already mentioned her mode of dress, etc., I don't think it would be lying to say that it would be inappropriate for you to bring a SIL to your party. Even if it's not explicitly forbidden, I think most people would find it odd for someone to bring a non-SO to a company party.

carol1412

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2013, 12:39:39 PM »
I can't help feeling a bit sorry for your SIL - stay at home mom, so not much adult interaction during the day. Her husband doesn't want to go out with her, her sister-in-law doesn't want anything to do with her. She needs somebody to pay attention to her and just as kids sometimes do - negative attention is better than none at all.  I agree that your brother shouldn't have foisted her off on you without asking, but still have to wonder what kind of pain she's going through...

Hillia

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #21 on: December 11, 2013, 12:43:05 PM »
I can't help feeling a bit sorry for your SIL - stay at home mom, so not much adult interaction during the day. Her husband doesn't want to go out with her, her sister-in-law doesn't want anything to do with her. She needs somebody to pay attention to her and just as kids sometimes do - negative attention is better than none at all.  I agree that your brother shouldn't have foisted her off on you without asking, but still have to wonder what kind of pain she's going through...

Well, she's been given some pretty direct feedback which was unwelcome. 

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DavidH

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #22 on: December 11, 2013, 12:43:17 PM »
Guy's place:  Sports bar, some biker bars, Dave and Busters, go kart track, that kind of thing.  Not guys only, but more likely to appeal to a guy than a woman for a party. 
Woman's place:  Nail salon, spa, afternoon tea restaurant.  Not women only, but few guys would choose them for a get together.

Yes, those are stereotypes, but leaving aside adult entertainment, those would be my first thoughts on the matter.

I think the problem was that your message was a politely stated, she drinks too much, gets inappropriate, and dresses badly.  All of which may be true, but there is really no way to tell someone that and have it go over well.

A better plan in the future would be to avoid anything that could be seen as a personal criticism.  Objections along the lines of, it is really a spouses and SO's only event, I'm not planning on staying very long, it wouldn't be appropriate to being someone who wasn't a spouse are better since it cannot be taken as a reflection on her personally. 

As an aside, if you want to make it up to them/her, why not invite them for an evening out at a different time and make some excuse along the lines of, I was so surprised when you asked about the company party I didn't know what to say, but we haven't seen each other for a while, let's go to XYZ venue together on XX date.

weeblewobble

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #23 on: December 11, 2013, 12:43:28 PM »
Please stop chasing your doofus brother's approval.  His behavior/"coolness" is the epitome of "doesn't have a leg to stand on."  HE decided that to absolve HIMSELF of guilt for doing what HE wants to, HE would slough HIS wife on you.  And not only that, to cement HIS plan, HE invited HIS wife without checking with you first, leaving you in a horribly awkward position.  And now, HE is cold to you?

Do you notice which pronouns I'm emphasizing here?  HE is the problem.  Not you.  Let him stay cool.  Let him sit on an iceblock. He doesn't have the right to get angry with anyone just because his stupid self serving plan was foiled.

You cannot take someone who has no idea how to behave appropriately to a work function. End of story.  Your only mistake was JADE-ing with him.

You might consider notifying security at the club that your SIL is not on the invite list because I wouldn't put it past your brother not to tell her she was uninvited.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2013, 12:57:32 PM by weeblewobble »

carol1412

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #24 on: December 11, 2013, 12:48:10 PM »
I can't help feeling a bit sorry for your SIL - stay at home mom, so not much adult interaction during the day. Her husband doesn't want to go out with her, her sister-in-law doesn't want anything to do with her. She needs somebody to pay attention to her and just as kids sometimes do - negative attention is better than none at all.  I agree that your brother shouldn't have foisted her off on you without asking, but still have to wonder what kind of pain she's going through...

Well, she's been given some pretty direct feedback which was unwelcome.

Depends on how it was presented - if it was done as criticism "you look awful, here put this on and you'll at least be covered!", then yes it was probably unwelcome. If it's done with love "this color looks fabulous on you. Please come out to dinner with me and we'll show you off", then it may be accepted better. I just don't get any feeling of love between OP and her SIL. Nor between OP's brother and his wife. I just think that's sad.

doodlemor

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #25 on: December 11, 2013, 12:49:58 PM »

Why are you not "cool" to him?  He was very rude to you trying to push his wife on you as a date.  If she was good company, then you seek her out.  They don't get it.

Abso-bingo-lutely!  Your brother is trying to intimidate you because he knows that he is in the wrong.  Ignore him.  It is not incumbent upon you to fix his problems.

And yes, notify security at the club as weeblewobble says.

weeblewobble

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #26 on: December 11, 2013, 12:55:16 PM »
I can't help feeling a bit sorry for your SIL - stay at home mom, so not much adult interaction during the day. Her husband doesn't want to go out with her, her sister-in-law doesn't want anything to do with her. She needs somebody to pay attention to her and just as kids sometimes do - negative attention is better than none at all.  I agree that your brother shouldn't have foisted her off on you without asking, but still have to wonder what kind of pain she's going through...

I know this is going to sound mean, but I don't feel sorry for her.  Her behavior is leading to her isolation.  And you can't say, "Well, maybe she doesn't realize how badly she's behaving" because she's been told/demonstrated to repeatedly that what she's doing is unacceptable. (The friend telling her to stop massaging him, the OP's friends agreeing that the behavior was inappropriate, etc.)  She just doesn't care.  As long as it's more important to her to behave as she wishes than to behave appropriately, she will be lonely.

cwm

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #27 on: December 11, 2013, 01:08:56 PM »
I can't help feeling a bit sorry for your SIL - stay at home mom, so not much adult interaction during the day. Her husband doesn't want to go out with her, her sister-in-law doesn't want anything to do with her. She needs somebody to pay attention to her and just as kids sometimes do - negative attention is better than none at all.  I agree that your brother shouldn't have foisted her off on you without asking, but still have to wonder what kind of pain she's going through...

I know this is going to sound mean, but I don't feel sorry for her.  Her behavior is leading to her isolation.  And you can't say, "Well, maybe she doesn't realize how badly she's behaving" because she's been told/demonstrated to repeatedly that what she's doing is unacceptable. (The friend telling her to stop massaging him, the OP's friends agreeing that the behavior was inappropriate, etc.)  She just doesn't care.  As long as it's more important to her to behave as she wishes than to behave appropriately, she will be lonely.

A million times this! She's been given feedback on her behavior and makes the conscious choice to ignore it.

SCMagnolia

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #28 on: December 11, 2013, 01:17:55 PM »
Quote
His co-workers are nice guys but they tend to get "filed with the Christmas spirit" (or some spirit, lol) and can get boisterous.

Sounds like she would fit in perfectly....  BUT...  I'm guessing your brother doesn't want to deal with her getting falling-down drunk, hitting on co-workers, or worrying about whether her hiney is going to stay in those jeans for the entire night. 

At any rate, she is HIS problem.  Not yours.   He's just mad because you won't make her your problem.

LadyL

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Re: How to say, "You can't come because of how you look."
« Reply #29 on: December 11, 2013, 01:19:45 PM »
I can't help feeling a bit sorry for your SIL - stay at home mom, so not much adult interaction during the day. Her husband doesn't want to go out with her, her sister-in-law doesn't want anything to do with her. She needs somebody to pay attention to her and just as kids sometimes do - negative attention is better than none at all.  I agree that your brother shouldn't have foisted her off on you without asking, but still have to wonder what kind of pain she's going through...

I know this is going to sound mean, but I don't feel sorry for her.  Her behavior is leading to her isolation.  And you can't say, "Well, maybe she doesn't realize how badly she's behaving" because she's been told/demonstrated to repeatedly that what she's doing is unacceptable. (The friend telling her to stop massaging him, the OP's friends agreeing that the behavior was inappropriate, etc.)  She just doesn't care.  As long as it's more important to her to behave as she wishes than to behave appropriately, she will be lonely.

A million times this! She's been given feedback on her behavior and makes the conscious choice to ignore it.

Some people are just terribly lacking in self awareness. It often extends to other social deficits as well such as not understanding/respecting interpersonal boundaries (which also sounds like an issue here).