Author Topic: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear  (Read 3246 times)

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nuit93

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #15 on: December 12, 2013, 03:33:20 PM »
My mom tried to do this to me over my sister's wedding.

Sis' wedding colors were black, grey, and light pink.  I wasn't in the wedding party so whatever I wore seemed rather irrelevant until mom called asking me to make sure I stayed in the color scheme.

I told her okay since I had a light grey blazer that would look good over my black slacks and blouse, no problems there.  Then she pushed further...didn't I have anything in light pink?

I haven't worn pink in a quarter century, and wasn't about to.  Not even some kind of accessory?  No.  Can't you go buy something in that color to add to your outfit?  I told her that if Sis wanted me to wear pink, she (as the host since mom wasn't paying for anything) could ask me herself if it was that important.

Later I called Sis, who told me "what? no, what you want to wear is fine.  Don't worry about what mom says."

msulinski

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #16 on: December 12, 2013, 03:48:14 PM »
I think it's in poor taste to dictate guest attire other than stating the level of formality. But I wouldn't have minded a note saying "Black colored attire suggested".

If your mom really thinks she has to attend, I think I'd ask the bride how strongly she feels about the guest attire and if it's a deal breaker, I'd decline.

Many men do not own black suits. DH has 4 suits that currently fit in his closet and none are black. He does own a black tux.
With the women, she is not only dictacting that they should wear black but also a dress. Maybe a woman wanted to wear a cocktail style pantsuit.

I agree - I don't own a black suit and would never buy one just to go to someone's wedding. It isn't very versatile.

I would think a man could get away with a charcoal suit though. The lighting might be dim enough that it might not be obvious it isn't black.

peaches

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #17 on: December 12, 2013, 03:48:47 PM »
Because this is a coworker, Mom feels she should attend.  I tried telling her that an invitation is not a summons, but she said she would feel funny if she didn't attend.

Apparently, many people are not attending simply because it's being held on New Year's Eve.  I think Mom feels bad that so many people declined.

It's hard to feel sorry for a bride who makes it so hard to attend her wedding.

I would decline the invitation. DH doesn't currently own a black suit, and I never wear black.

But since your mother really wants to go, I think Zizi-K's advice is good. If the bride has any sense, she will relent on this "requirement."

blarg314

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #18 on: December 12, 2013, 07:42:29 PM »

If your Mom feels she can't say no to the invitation, and can't show up in non-costume clothing, there's not much she can do about it, even if the bride is rude.

Personally, I'd turn down a New Year's Eve wedding for anyone but a very close family member or friend - but in my husband's culture, that's one of the big family holidays, so we don't do New Year's Eve parties either.

sammycat

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #19 on: December 12, 2013, 08:07:26 PM »
Because this is a coworker, Mom feels she should attend.  I tried telling her that an invitation is not a summons, but she said she would feel funny if she didn't attend.

Apparently, many people are not attending simply because it's being held on New Year's Eve. I think Mom feels bad that so many people declined.

That's not your mother's problem to solve or worry about. If she wants to attends because she really likes the HC/loves weddings/whatever, that's one thing, but she should not feel she has to attend just because most other people have declined. The bride and groom seem to have caused that situation themselves either due to the timing and/or the dress code.

To answer the actual question though, no, a couple can't dictate what the guests will wear, and I certainly wouldn't go and buy something specifically for the occasion either. I'd either wear something of my own choosing or decline the invitation.

Luci

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2013, 08:26:28 PM »

Apparently, many people are not attending simply because it's being held on New Year's Eve. I think Mom feels bad that so many people declined.

That is a risk the couple took when they made the plans. Your mom is too kind. I kind of wonder if I would do that for my own family. (Hmmmmm. No.) The dress color code is the last straw.

Hope your parents have a good evening.

CaffeineKatie

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #21 on: December 13, 2013, 09:05:54 AM »
I think the bride has been watching too much reality tv--several weddings and parties on various shows have demanded that guests dress according to color schemes or themes.  Maybe your mom would feel comfortable asking her coworker which she would prefer--not matching or not attending--and go from that?

Winterlight

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #22 on: December 13, 2013, 10:14:05 AM »
You may give a level of formality, but telling people what colors to wear is micro-mamaging.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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Twik

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #23 on: December 13, 2013, 11:11:58 AM »
I think the bride has been watching too much reality tv--several weddings and parties on various shows have demanded that guests dress according to color schemes or themes.

I think that's it - not just seeing people demanding guests follow colour schemes, but everyone on the show is bound to say what a *wonderful* idea it is, and how it makes the wedding *so* sophisticated. Except on Bridezillas, no one ever acts like this is an unreasonable request, so the viewers get a very unrealistic impression of "your guest will love this!" instead of "your guests will grumble at best, and stay away in droves at worst".
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gellchom

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #24 on: December 13, 2013, 01:31:58 PM »
viewers get a very unrealistic impression of "your guest will love this!" instead of "your guests will grumble at best, and stay away in droves at worst".
[/b]

Exactly.

DavidH

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #25 on: December 13, 2013, 06:07:15 PM »
I think the request is odd, but nevertheless, I think the polite options are to decline or accept the invitation that was offered, including wearing black. 

For a wedding it seems unusual, but a white ball or a costume ball or a masquerade ball are not unheard of and it would be quite rude to show up to any of those without abiding by the dress code.  I can't think of a way that showing up to this and ignoring the dress code would be the right thing to do.

 

GeauxTigers

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #26 on: December 13, 2013, 06:48:22 PM »
Part of what frosts my cookies is that something (presumably) as formal as a wedding invitation would use the terms "male guests" and "female guests" instead of "ladies" and "gentlemen".

If the Bride of a Certain Age wants to have a BWW, good for her - but a) expecting good attendance at a NYD wedding and b) imposing a dress code on her guests (that is not dictated by the venue) is making her appear like Madame Sneauxflaque Tres Speciale.


Calypso

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #27 on: December 13, 2013, 09:24:15 PM »
I think the request is odd, but nevertheless, I think the polite options are to decline or accept the invitation that was offered, including wearing black. 

For a wedding it seems unusual, but a white ball or a costume ball or a masquerade ball are not unheard of and it would be quite rude to show up to any of those without abiding by the dress code.  I can't think of a way that showing up to this and ignoring the dress code would be the right thing to do.

 

But a wedding isn't any of these things. It just isn't. It's pretentious, shallow, faux-celebrity-ish and rude, rude, rude to micromanage what your guests wear to your wedding. (Level of formality, ok. If your reception is being held in a venue that doesn't allow jeans, then it's ok to require your guests to not wear them. It's never ok, at least in U.S. weddings, to expect male guests to rent clothes or any guest to wear a specific color).

And I think you'll find that even for a black and white ball that there isn't, as far as I know, a way within etiquette to refuse entrance to an invited guest who doesn't abide by the dress code (although in that case the guest is the one being rude). Or if there is, I'm not aware of it.

And now you have me thinking of Bette Davis in Jezebel (who, at a ball where all the women are expected to wear white, wears flaming red. It doesn't end well for her.)

bloo

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Re: Telling Wedding Guests What Color to Wear
« Reply #28 on: December 14, 2013, 10:41:05 AM »
Whether or not this kind of thing is acceptable per etiquette, I think it's childish and inconsiderate, and it would really make me wonder what these people think a wedding is all about. 

I'm not even sure what the point is.   Guests aren't decorations.

I know people have costume parties and black and white balls and such.  But if you invite me to something like that, and I don't want to go to the trouble or expense to get the right thing, it's not such a big deal to decline.  But if it were your wedding -- I'll have to choose either to jump through your hoops or miss your wedding, at which my presence is presumably meaningful to both of us.

I'm just posting to add that I totally agree with this.