Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57

[bbaker]

BG: 2 years ago my Sister In Law gave me the cut direct. The simplest reason is that we bought a home and did not use her (an insurance agent) for our new homeowners policy.  We are not the only friends or family she cut off for not using her services.  There were also money/Christmas gifting issues that I'm sure contributed to the decision.  (Those deserve their own post)  I was told by SIL and her husband that I am not to contact them at all and certainly not ever to go to their home.  I am NOT WELCOME.

 I have completely respected their wishes with just a couple exceptions. Christmas cards (I still send them - so my nephews can see pictures of their cousins) and a few large parties (30+ people) I have hosted in my home.  For the parties, my husband would call and invite or send a Facebook invitation.  They will come and attend the parties in our home, but maintain the cut direct and will not talk to me or acknowledge me in any way while they are here.  They will not even respond to a 'Welcome' or 'Goodbye-Thanks for coming'.

My Dilemma: My Mother In Law came over last week and said something to the effect of "Our annual family Christmas Eve party will be at SIL's home this year.  At 6 o'clock. We are having Italian food.  Here is your assignment - Bring blah blah blah......"  (Even after 20 years she will still issue a summons, not an invitation - I put up with it as a newlywed but I have a shinier spine now)  MIL is fully aware that I am not welcome in SIL's home.  I think MIL is a wishful thinker and just wants everyone to 'get over it and be a family again'. 

I would love to 'be a family again' and still hope for a reconciliation with SIL. However, my MIL does not understand that there are two people involved and nothing will change unless SIL wants it to change. There is NO WAY I will attend anything at my SIL's home without being invited by her because I know I am not welcome, and it will only make the problem worse.

I know there are no 'magic words' but I am desperate for advice! Should I 'break silence' and call my SIL to let her know about the situation? Should I tell MIL I will wait for an invitation from SIL? (Which would put MIL in the middle of the drama) Is there a third option I just can't see yet?

(Additional BG - My husband's family consists of him and his two sisters.  They are both married with 2 children.  This is a very small family gathering. It had been a tradition up until the cut direct two years ago.  We both miss this family time since we do not see his family very often.)

[jedikaiti]

MIL knows you aren't welcome in SIL's home, and SIL probably knows MIL's going to issue you a summons anyway. Just ignore.

And quit inviting SIL to your home. If she can't be a decent guest, don't let her show up!

[gramma dishes]

Since MIL is fully aware that you are not welcome in your husband's sister's home you can just tell her point blank.  "No, we won't be going.  We aren't invited and we're not going to crash her event.  You know that, MIL.  I'm surprised you would expect us not to respect her decision!"

By the way, how did it happen that she blames YOU for the decision to use a different insurance agent?  Why isn't she holding your husband at least equally responsible?

And another 'by the way' -- your SIL sounds extraordinarily immature!  I can't even imagine why you put up with that kind of behavior in your own home.  I wouldn't invite her.  I think you're much too nice about putting up with her nonsense.

[EllenS]

1) Your sister is being unbelievably rude.  If you give someone the cut direct, you do not get to go to their home and accept their hospitality. Similarly, if you accept someone's invitation, you do not give them the cut direct in their own home (unless that is the moment of the inciting incident, and you are leaving).

2) You absolutely should tell your MIL that you would love to participate in the family Christmas, but out of consideration to SIL's feelings, you would not be so rude as to show up at SIL's house and impose on her unless you know-from her own mouth- that she wants you there. 

In your shoes, I would not expect that there is any way to "win" this interaction.  It's very possible that MIL and SIL will expect you to drop off your "assignment" and accept whatever snubs SIL will dish out, and blame you behind your back if you do not cooperate.

[Bales]

I'm really hoping they don't think your husband will go without you and bring your "assignment"?  You have been beyond gracious at this point by accepting your SIL's poor behavior.  I would use this as the opportunity to set your own boundary and say you (your family, meaning DH and kids, too) will not be attending since you are not welcome.  And DH should be the one to decline the "invitation."

[Julian]

I am at a bit of a loss for words at this.

SIL has given you the cut direct, but she turns up to parties at your home and continues the cut??  Seriously rude! 

I'd talk to MIL (or get your DH to talk to MIL) and gently explain that it will not be possible for you to attend.

It sounds like this is more like a Clayton's Cut - the cut you have when you haven't got a cut...  SIL is happy to display The Cut in semi-public, but still expects the advantages of a family relationship, such as the party invites.  She sounds extremely immature and drama llama-ish.

BTW Welcome to the board!

[Margo]

I'd be inclined to simply tell MiL that your family is not welcome at SiL's and that you would not presume to go unless SIL herself decided she would like to invite you. However, if you and your husband both want to give your SIL a second chance, I would suggest that your husband contact his sister to say " Mom has told us that the family christmas party will be at your home, and has asked us to bring ***. We'd love to see you and the kids, but as we haven't heard from you we're not sure whether you'd like us to be there. Could you let us know whether you'd like us to attend, and if so, would you like us to bring [whatever MiL said] or is there something else which would work better for you."

It gives her the power of saying yes or no, and also acknowledges and respects her position as hostess.

I would also say to MIL that you would love to attend the event, but that as it is at SIL's home you won't be attending unless SiL invites you, and that DH will be speaking to her directly. You can make clear to MiL that you are *not* asking her to intervene - indeed you'd prefer that she didn't, but that you can't go where you have not been invited. If you think it would come bettter from your Husband, then he can be the one to talk to his Mom.

Good luck. (can you invite everyone to yours, at a time that doesn't clash with the main celebration, so you get to see the family, even if you don't go to SiL's?)

[MindsEye]

I have completely respected their wishes with just a couple exceptions. Christmas cards (I still send them - so my nephews can see pictures of their cousins) and a few large parties (30+ people) I have hosted in my home.  For the parties, my husband would call and invite or send a Facebook invitation.  They will come and attend the parties in our home, but maintain the cut direct and will not talk to me or acknowledge me in any way while they are here.  They will not even respond to a 'Welcome' or 'Goodbye-Thanks for coming'.

I know that you didn't ask about the bolded above, but I would personally stop inviting them to your home. 

They are being very VERY rude. 

And, frankly if they are giving you the "cut direct" they should never have accepted those invitations!

I know there are no 'magic words' but I am desperate for advice! Should I 'break silence' and call my SIL to let her know about the situation? Should I tell MIL I will wait for an invitation from SIL? (Which would put MIL in the middle of the drama) Is there a third option I just can't see yet?

What about this?  "I am sorry MIL, but given the current situation between SIL and myself we simply cannot attend the Christmas Eve party at her house."

I see there are being three options:
1) SIL is willing to reconcile and invite you (best option)
2) The Christmas Eve party is hosted by someone else
3) You do not go to the Christmas Eve party but invite MIL and the other SIL to a get-together at a later date

[TootsNYC]

Since MIL is fully aware that you are not welcome in your husband's sister's home you can just tell her point blank.  "No, we won't be going.  We aren't invited and we're not going to crash her event.  You know that, MIL.  I'm surprised you would expect us not to respect her decision!"

I agree with this. And I'd say, "If SIL were to directly invite me, I would happily attend. I would be very happy to simply return to a friendly footing, with no need for apologies or recriminations on either side. But I won't be entering her home unless she invites me--that would be disrespectful."

And I can sort of understand why you and DH would still invite her, as a way to demonstrate to the entire family that you are neutral here. But WOW, oh WOW! How rude of her.

In fact, my DH would probably refuse to invite her ever, if he treated his wife like that.

I like Margo's suggestion that your DH might contact her. But if she's going to treat you w/ the cut-direct in her own home as well, I wouldn't want to go.

[Hmmmmm]

Welcome to the board.

My advice.
Have your husband call his mother and tell her his family will not be attending. His family has not been invited and will not crash a party for her or for anyone.

And I agree. Quit inviting her to your home. If she wants to create family drama she can live with the consequences.

[metallicafan]

Welcome to the board.

My advice.
Have your husband call his mother and tell her his family will not be attending. His family has not been invited and will not crash a party for her or for anyone.

And I agree. Quit inviting her to your home. If she wants to create family drama she can live with the consequences.

I agree with this.
I know that a cut direct means no communication at all.  But yet she will come to Your home for a party and partake of your hospitality.   That isn't right.  I would not invite her anymore. 

[alice]

Didn't you and your husband buy the house?  If so, why is she only giving you the direct cut?  Why not your husband as well.

I agree with the rest...stop inviting her to your house, and your husband should not go to her house.

[gramma dishes]

bbaker ~~  Can you please clarify?  When you say your SIL has given YOU the direct cut, does that mean only you, or does that mean both you and your husband (her brother)? 

I ask because your husband seems to have at least come contact with her -- at least enough to invite them to your parties apparently.

When she and her husband have attended parties in your home they don't speak to you or even acknowledge your presence, but do they talk to your husband?

If that's the case, then I think your husband is the one who needs to step up!  He should be making it clear that he will not tolerate having his wife treated like that.  Either they act civil to both of you or they don't talk to either of you. 

[rose red]

I'm puzzled (and mad for you) why you invite people to your parties who gives you the cut direct in your own home.  Please don't tolerate this treatment anymore, and your DH should be supporting you too.

And I agree you can tell your MIL "I haven't been invited."

[bloo]

bbaker ~~  Can you please clarify?  When you say your SIL has given YOU the direct cut, does that mean only you, or does that mean both you and your husband (her brother)? 

I ask because your husband seems to have at least come contact with her -- at least enough to invite them to your parties apparently.

When she and her husband have attended parties in your home they don't speak to you or even acknowledge your presence, but do they talk to your husband?

If that's the case, then I think your husband is the one who needs to step up!  He should be making it clear that he will not tolerate having his wife treated like that.  Either they act civil to both of you or they don't talk to either of you.

Uh, yeah this and pretty much what everyone else has posted. No one who issued a cut direct on me would be taking advantage of my hospitality and my DH would not let this behavior occur so what is up with your DH? I would not let my other family (kids?) and friends see me taking this kind of treatment from someone.

Could you please clarify?