Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57

[m2kbug]

I'm wondering why a family meal is being hosted in a home where several people are not welcome.  There's not much more you can do other than remind MIL that you are not welcome in their home and you will not be in attendance.  I would not call my SIL.  I would not accept a second or third hand invitation either.  I would want SIL or BIL to call directly.  Even then, I don't know if I would want to go given her cold behavior towards us. 

[Nuala]

I believe you are trying to be the better person, but stop. She is taking advantage of you with no consequences.

Don't send any more cards. Do you think she is showing pictures to her kids or just tossing them out? If she wants to see what your kids look like, or for her children to have a relationship with their cousins, she can behave like an adult.

I agree with those who suggested that DH tell MIL that you won't attend and why.

[bbaker]

OP Here with some clarification.  My husband is and always has been my biggest supporter.  He has told me and his family point blank that if he has to choose between me and them he will choose me. 

I come from a large family with many cousins.  We didn't live close but my parents made visiting a priority and I am still best friends with several of my cousins today.  My husband's family grew up 15 minutes from his cousins and didn't really spend time with some of them until he was an adult.  I don't think either situation is 'right' or 'wrong' just 'different'.

SIL has two boys, ages 11 and 9.  My oldest 2 boys are 11 and 8.  These are the only boy cousins on either side of the family close to the same age as my boys.  (There is a 4 yr old boy on one side and a 5 yr old girl)

I know that part of my problem is learning to 'let go' of what I see as an ideal cousin relationship.  My husband supports MY decision to invite SIL over because it is the only time my boys can spend with their cousins.

The cut direct was just with me - It seems SIL and her husband would still like a relationship with my husband. (Meaning they will talk to him and call and ask for favors) - He is doing great at turning down those favors now, when he used to help out much more often before.

This is my first post ever and I am grateful for so many quick responses already.  I hope the additional background helps.

[Roses]

I agree with previous posters.  It doesn't make sense that she gave you the cut direct and not your husband, you both made the choice about the insurance.  And it's certainly immature and unprofessional behavior; if she hoped you would ever change your mind and use her as your agent, she has given you lots of reasons why that is NOT a good idea. 

Stop sending Christmas cards.  Have your DH tell your MIL you will not be attending.  Stop inviting them to your house.  She's basically being rewarded for being rude to you on a regular basis.  It sets a horrible example for your children (and their cousins) on how people should treat each other.  I would not allow someone in my home who treated me the way she's treated you.

<Hugs>

[Amara]

I am astonished at your husband's willingness, even though it is lessening, to have a relationship with someone who gives his wife the cut direct. That seems all shades of wrong to me.

[rose red]

Please let go of your image of cousins being best friends.  Do you really want your children to have a relationship where they only interact at parties where they see their cousin's parents treat their mother like dirt in her own home?

Right now, you are giving them all the power.  Take it back.

[SamiHami]

You are getting a lot of great advice here. I hope you take it to heart. Your DH should flatly refuse to communicate with SIL at all as long as she is being such a fool. You and your DH are a team. And stop inviting her to your house! If she can't be gracious enough to even greet the hostess she does not belong there! And as for your MIL, as others have said, simply tell her you, DH and your kids cannot attend as you have been clearly told you are not welcome in SILs home.

Personally, I think the holiday celebration should be moved to a different location. If SIL is unwilling to get over herself and act like an adult then she should not be given the privilege of hosting the family party.

[Margo]

OK, when I posted before I had assumed that the cut was to both you and your husband.

Following your clarification, I would simply tell your MiL that you have not been invited and will not be attending. If you and your husband want to see other family members, invite them to your home. I can understand why you'd want to your children to have a relationship with their cousins, but I don't think that is going to happen until your SiL is willing to behave like a civilised adult. It's not healthy for your children to see their mother being treated like a second class citizen in her on home, or to see their father tolerate this kind of behaviour.

Stop inviting them (or, if you want, invite the kids alone) And your husband needs to live his boundaries, and make clear to his sister that if she won't treat his wife with, as a minimum, basic respect and politeness, he won't be helping her out, or socialising with her.

[misha412]

Your SIL gave you the cut direct (for years now) over you not giving her home insurance business? And she has the gall to show up at your home at a party you are hosting and give you the cut direct? Why would you invite her to your home?

My answer as to whether you should go to your SIL's for Christmas is "No, no, no and helz no". Why would you go somewhere you are clearly unwanted and will be treated to the silent treatment by your SIL and who knows who else? That action will only make the event miserable for you.

Your DH needs to call his mother and tell her that you will not be attending, since she extended the invitation. Your MIL may be trying to get you and your family there without your SIL's knowledge. (That is not cool, even if you guys were on good terms) Even if your SIL is aware of the invitation, she should be the one extending the invitation due to the situation.

See your MIL and other SIL at another time during the holidays. A nice evening at a restaurant. A weekend brunch. There are a ton of ways they can enjoy you and your family without the not-nice SIL being a part of it.

[Arila]

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say that I think the OP has been doing a great job at moderating the reaction to this silliness. I think inviting them to their big do-s and keeping up the cards may be the high road, but there's no point in wrestling in the mud.

I do think that a frank discussion with the SIL is in order though. Sure it's come to abit of a head by having the family celebration scheduled at her house, but it is a long time coming to say, "Look, I know that you were disappointed by our homeowner decision, but our finances are our own private business, and we would like to move past that to mend the family."

Make it clear that, as you said yourself that you're not looking to place blame or recriminations, just put the past two years behind you and move on. Your own words on the subject are natural and true for you, so use them.


After you've made that clear, you can say that you have been issued a second hand invitation to xmas at her house, and you would prefer to celebrate in a home where you are welcome, and now it is up to her to take your hand extended in peace..or not.


I do agree with everyone who says that unless SIL makes a direct invitation for the entire family *specifically* including you, that none of you should go to the celebration.

[GreenBird]

I just want to reiterate - I don't think your DH or your kids should go to an event where you are not welcome.  It's just all kinds of wrong.  You're a family and it's important to support each other.  Would you go to a family party where the host explicitly and purposely excluded exactly one of your sons from the invitation?  I'm pretty sure you wouldn't, because that would be saying that it's acceptable to exclude one of your sons from an invitation to your family.  It's not acceptable, and it's no more acceptable to exclude you.

I think DH needs to tell MIL that none of you will be able to come to any party held at SIL's because SIL has made it clear that you are not invited.  And if DH is talking to SIL, he can tell her directly that his family will not be attending any event where his wife is not welcome.  Frankly, it's unreasonable for SIL to expect otherwise. 

[gramma dishes]

I think it's time for SIL's power to be whittled down to more reasonable levels.  That means you and your husband stick together like glue on this one.  Either she treats both of you with a degree of politeness and respect, or neither of you have anything further to do with her.

[artk2002]

I can understand you inviting your SIL's family to your events, for the sake of your sons and their cousins and to be the bigger person. I agree with others, though, that neither you, nor your DH and sons should go to SIL's house for this event.

I would have trouble maintaining any kind of relationship with someone as petty and immature as your SIL. Even if it were my sister. Cut direct over not using her services? She's done this to other family members as well? If her business depends on selling to her family, she needs to get out of the business. If her ego can't handle rejection, she needs to get out of the business. Many people have a blanket policy of not doing business with family because it can go bad so very quickly. Can you imagine what would have happened if you had bought your policy from her and her company denied a claim? Or she messed up the renewal paperwork and you found yourselves without insurance? Talk about bad feelings!

[YummyMummy66]

It is not up to you to do anything.  It is up to your husband to do something.  This is his sister, correct?

Read more of the posts.  You state that they are still in contact with your dh, asking for favors, etc. 

Personally, if this was my dh, he would have a whole of something to say to his sister and then a whole lot of nothin' to say.

If it were us, we would show up to the home of SIL and if she asks me to leave, my dh would stand up and state that this situation is getting crazy.  You need to apologize to my wife, because it was not her decision not to use your services, it was mine.  If you want her to leave, then we all leave and we will never be back.

I say this because it is time your dh stands up to his sister over this nonsense and not let it continue to go on.

Why didn't you use her services, if I may ask?

[gramma dishes]

Was your SIL always like this?  Did she always get her own way in the family as the kids were growing up?  Was she always the one who would  treat people despicably and have everyone else in the family fall in line with her?  That's a lot of power she wields there!

I know your husband loves you  (and I assume your MIL and at least some of the other family members do too), but they are all enabling her to continue this behavior by not sticking up for you.  As long as they let her run the show and get by with this stuff, she has no incentive to stop it.  She apparently loves the drama and the feeling that she's "winning", and she IS because no one is really backing you up here, not even your husband.