Author Topic: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57  (Read 18588 times)

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MrTango

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #30 on: December 12, 2013, 05:26:35 PM »
*edited because I missed the post where the OP answered the question I had for her*
I would direct your MIL to speak with your DH about any family planning.  Any time MIL mentions something to you, you should feel free to tell her "You'll need to talk with [DH] about that."

For this particular party, I would not attend, and I would not give anyone any indication that I would be attending.  If MIL or anyone else asks you about it, I'd respond with "I will not be attending any gathering at [SIL]'s house, as she has quite clearly told me that I am not welcome in her home."  Don't sugar coat it.

If your DH decides that he will be attending the dinner, let him.  Stay home with your kids, or go treat yourself to something nice during that time.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2013, 05:28:21 PM by MrTango »

tinkytinky

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #31 on: December 12, 2013, 05:51:45 PM »
I can't get past MIL summoning you to SIL house when she knows about the rift between you and SIL. If it were in her own home, then she can request you bring whatever, but not at SIL. And I don't care if it is "tradition". I would look at MIL and say, "you need to address DH about these arrangements, as I will not be there". If SIL is hosting, honestly the invitation should come from her, not MIL anyway. DH needs to talk to SIL and get the information from her. If you still have not been invited to her home, then honestly DH really shouldn't go either.

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buvezdevin

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #32 on: December 12, 2013, 05:52:20 PM »
To summarize some points from OP's posts:

1.  OP's SIL (and her husband?) have given OP the cut direct, in part at least due to non-use of SIL's services, also some gifting issues - but the cut does not include OP's husband, SIL's brother.
2.  OP's husband has continued to invite SIL and her family to large gatherings at OP's home, which SIL attends though refusing to acknowledge OP at same.
3.  OP's MIL has just announced to OP that the family holiday gathering will be at SIL's house, where OP knows she is not welcome - and MIL told OP what to bring for the family meal.

While I echo other posters in the view that OP and her husband reconsider inviting anyone to any event at their home if that person is not willing to interact with basic civility with OP, I also wonder what other factors, gifting or otherwise, may have contributed to SIL beginning the cut for OP. 

Not suggesting that OP in any way deserves such treatment, but however unreasonable the actions of SIL, a full understanding of she perceives as "grievances" could be useful in understanding first, how to discuss same with SIL if that course is ever undertaken - and might also clarify why OP's husband and MIL have seemingly not said "this is interfering with family dynamics at family gatherings - let's restore family harmony, or at least understand why we will no longer gather as extended family."

Whatever the reasons for the situation as it has played out to date, in OP's shoes, I would not attend an event at SIL's house at all, for any reason, unless and until the "cut" behavior had been addressed, and I was assured by SIL that it would not continue.
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VorFemme

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #33 on: December 12, 2013, 06:28:35 PM »
I'm wondering if the OP's mortgage company worked with SIL's insurance company at all or deliberately excluded that company due to there being a blood relative working there - to avoid legal complications if there were questions about "professional conduct" or "nepotism"?  Which might be something that the OP & her DH never thought to tell SIL, because "it's none of her beeswax" as one of the identical twin advice columnists used to say.

Seriously - SIL needs to get over herself.  OP & her DH (SIL's brother, it seems) need to stop enabling her apparent Drama Princess tendencies - and she no longer gets to give the hostess the cold shoulder when invited to her brother's house.  Either she grows up or puts on her big girl panties and pretends to havegrown up!
« Last Edit: December 13, 2013, 11:42:28 AM by VorFemme »
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JenJay

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #34 on: December 12, 2013, 06:34:07 PM »
Why wasn't your DH cut off as well? Why is it YOUR fault that the insurance wasn't purchased through her? That's ridiculous.

I would have DH tell MIL "We won't be fixing the dish you assigned us or attending the party." and leave it at that. You didn't ask, but my advice on the rest is that you consider enforcing the cutoff SIL has issued by not inviting her to your home either. As it stands there's no reason for her to consider what this is doing to your DHs and all of the boys because it isn't fully affecting them as long as they can visit at your home. I'd make her feel the full weight of her decision.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2013, 07:02:58 PM by JenJay »

kherbert05

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #35 on: December 12, 2013, 09:09:55 PM »
Your DH needs to tell his Mother that his sister is out of line any you, your children, and he will never attend anything at his sister's house until she and her DH apologizes to you in public. For events that your MIL hosts your DH should tell her that he will not allow her daughter to abuse you and you all will leave is she doesn't behave civilly towards him. When she complains to you -  you say, "I'm sorry but he is firm about his decision and I can't change his mind."
Stop inviting her and her family to your events, until this 2 yo grows up.
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bbaker

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #36 on: December 12, 2013, 10:31:27 PM »
OP here again - There were two main reasons we did not use her for insurance. 

#1 - She is family - for reasons other posters have already stated - it did not seem wise at all
#2 - Money - Her quote was quite a bit more expensive than our regular agent for the same coverage

There has always been a monetary discrepancy in the family. (I am sure this is not uncommon) We had always made quite a bit less income than SIL (1/4 of her income) and the cut direct occurred at a major change in incomes for both families. We had an increase in income (resulting in the home purchase) and they had a decrease (resulting in them losing their home) So now we make about the same amount of income but they consider us 'rich' (we own a home) and themselves 'poor' (they have to rent)

I usually read other posts and say to myself - Oh, the answer to that is easy! It is quite different on this side of the question.  All your answers have given me quite a bit to think about.  After discussing it with my DH he is now quite eager to call up SIL and get this straightened out.


Thank you for all of the advice!



GrammarNerd

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #37 on: December 13, 2013, 12:39:22 AM »
"It was a monetary decision.  And we don't discuss personal monetary decisions with family or close friends.  Therefore, we also don't use family or close friends for financial matters, because they involve monetary decisions.  We're sorry if you were offended, but that's our decision.  It's not personal, but it IS our stance and our decision. 

Now, are you going to continue to hold a grudge for a decision that had nothing to do with you, personally, or are you going to get past it so we can have pleasant holidays?  Because this business of not talking to or even acknowledging one of us....not cool.  So decide: are you going to be polite from this point forward, or will you be backing out of everything that involves us?  And please be prepared to stand by your decision, because if anyone asks us about it, I won't hesitate to tell them the truth."

It could be viewed as somewhat of a threat, yes.  But really, it's just forcing SIL to own her actions.  If anyone asks you, you can tell people that SIL won't talk to you and has told you that she will no longer acknowledge you because you didn't use her for your insurance and you found another, better-priced, option.  She can be mad all she wants, but she has to own that decision, and she has to live with the consequences. 

And really, you should go off on her for her trying to bully you into using her business, at a personal financial loss to you, and then snubbing you when you didn't do it.  Seriously?  Is THAT how she behaves professionally?  She wanted you to trust her professionally, and then she snubs you?  I guess she showed you that you made the correct decision in NOT using her services.

aussie_chick

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #38 on: December 13, 2013, 01:53:43 AM »
OP here again - There were two main reasons we did not use her for insurance. 

#1 - She is family - for reasons other posters have already stated - it did not seem wise at all
#2 - Money - Her quote was quite a bit more expensive than our regular agent for the same coverage

There has always been a monetary discrepancy in the family. (I am sure this is not uncommon) We had always made quite a bit less income than SIL (1/4 of her income) and the cut direct occurred at a major change in incomes for both families. We had an increase in income (resulting in the home purchase) and they had a decrease (resulting in them losing their home) So now we make about the same amount of income but they consider us 'rich' (we own a home) and themselves 'poor' (they have to rent)

I usually read other posts and say to myself - Oh, the answer to that is easy! It is quite different on this side of the question.  All your answers have given me quite a bit to think about.  After discussing it with my DH he is now quite eager to call up SIL and get this straightened out.


Thank you for all of the advice!

Hi Op! I'm glad your DH is keen to contact SIL and get everything straightened out. I agree with others who have said it is NOT ok for someone to accept invitations to your home (even if you didn't issue the invitation, you and your DH are a social unit) and then treat you so ungraciously.

I hope your DH explains to your SIL than unless she can treat you respectfully in your own home, her family will not be welcome. I also hope he reiterates that the decision to use a different insurance company was a joint decision.

I agree with others not to go to someone's home who has given you the cut direct. I think it's rude to attend someone's home when you've specifically been told not to. Unless SIL retracts that sentiment, you are doing what she's asked by not attending. And MIL inviting you is not the same thing. I can't imagine anything more uncomfortable then turning up somewhere where you are not welcome and by the sounds of things, that will be made obvious!

Good luck with resolving everything and i'm glad your DH is your biggest supporter! To many times on here we read stories about one part of a social unit not sticking up for the other. Good on your DH for shining his spine!

mrkitty

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #39 on: December 13, 2013, 03:11:37 AM »
I have nothing meaningful to add beyond the good advice other posters gave; I'm actually just posting for updates to find out if this situation is ever resolved...I'm quite appalled at the despicable behavior of your SIL. I hope things work out for you, OP. But don't hold your breath on the relationship with your SIL. In my experience, irrational people don't suddenly have a change of heart and stop being crazy, without some kind of divine intervention. And I have yet to witness that miracle.

All I can say is: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! And again, I'm so sorry how that woman treats you. She should be ashamed of herself.
Learn from past. Live in the present. Hope for the future.

Peppergirl

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #40 on: December 13, 2013, 06:56:13 AM »
I have nothing useful to add except that *clearly* her husband is cut from the same cloth as she is. 

I can't even fathom how my now ex-husband would have reacted if I had behaved that way toward any family member, particularly in their *own home*!!  He would have called me out quickly, and told me to knock off the nonsense or go home.

Obviously her husband is almost as big of a jerk as the SIL is, even if he is just a silent co-conspirator.

The gall of showing up to someone's home and ignoring them!!  :o >:(

PastryGoddess

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #41 on: December 13, 2013, 07:39:41 AM »
OP you should definitely read Art2k's Magic Words post.  It's become an ehell classic for many very good reasons.

TootsNYC

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #42 on: December 13, 2013, 07:55:11 AM »
... until she and her DH apologizes to you in public....

(sorry to use you as the example, kherbert--you had the most succinct wording)

I wanted to address this topic. Because I actually don't agree with this approach.

bbaker, I just wanted to chime in to support your "low-drama" approach. I think that it's not necessary to demand a huge apology, even though you certainly deserve one. 
    Demanding that someone like your SIL apologize is going to have the effect of creating even more drama. She's obviously tremendously invested in always being right. And having you demand she apologize will probably prolong the whole thing.


   And it will change the subject of the dispute. Instead of the dispute being about "You didn't use my business" [her stance--obviously wrong to all onlookers], it becomes "You are being rude" / "they're demanding an apology from me." Which is just stickier and more unpleasant.
    It will make it harder for MIL and others to advocate for a cessation of hostilities. Don't get me wrong--you certainly deserve an apology. But we all know how hard it is for moms (and other relatives) to handle a situation like yours.


If what you want is to simply have the whole issue go away, you'll probably be much more effective with your current attitude and approach.

So if you want to continue the even, no-drama tactic, know that you've got people like me who are outraged on your behalf but admiring you for an even-tempered, non-punitive approach.

Winterlight

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #43 on: December 13, 2013, 10:08:26 AM »
I think your husband needs to make it clear that this was a joint decision, and if she's going to snub his wife then neither he nor you nor the boys will be around her.
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To whom you speak,
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And how, and when, and where.
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artk2002

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #44 on: December 13, 2013, 11:19:44 AM »
I think your husband needs to make it clear that this was a joint decision, and if she's going to snub his wife then neither he nor you nor the boys will be around her.

I absolutely agree.

While OP's DH may be a great guy, he deserves 40 lashes with a wet noodle over this. The best time to make that point was the very first time it happened. Instead, he's managed to keep his illusion of a functional FOO by letting OP be the scapegoat, even if only through his silence.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain