Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57

[Redneck Gravy]

It is not up to you to do anything.  It is up to your husband to do something.  This is his sister, correct?

Read more of the posts.  You state that they are still in contact with your dh, asking for favors, etc. 

Personally, if this was my dh, he would have a whole of something to say to his sister and then a whole lot of nothin' to say.

If it were us, we would show up to the home of SIL and if she asks me to leave, my dh would stand up and state that this situation is getting crazy.  You need to apologize to my wife, because it was not her decision not to use your services, it was mine.  If you want her to leave, then we all leave and we will never be back.

I say this because it is time your dh stands up to his sister over this nonsense and not let it continue to go on.

Why didn't you use her services, if I may ask?

YummyMummy is right on the mark.  If I were banned from someone's home my ex DH would have NEVER set foot there.  He was a lot of negative things but he darn sure wasn't going to let anyone disrespect his wife that way.  Your DH should have already taken care of this!

[bloo]

OP Here with some clarification.  My husband is and always has been my biggest supporter.  He has told me and his family point blank that if he has to choose between me and them he will choose me. 

I come from a large family with many cousins.  We didn't live close but my parents made visiting a priority and I am still best friends with several of my cousins today.  My husband's family grew up 15 minutes from his cousins and didn't really spend time with some of them until he was an adult.  I don't think either situation is 'right' or 'wrong' just 'different'.

SIL has two boys, ages 11 and 9.  My oldest 2 boys are 11 and 8.  These are the only boy cousins on either side of the family close to the same age as my boys.  (There is a 4 yr old boy on one side and a 5 yr old girl)

I know that part of my problem is learning to 'let go' of what I see as an ideal cousin relationship.  My husband supports MY decision to invite SIL over because it is the only time my boys can spend with their cousins.

The cut direct was just with me - It seems SIL and her husband would still like a relationship with my husband. (Meaning they will talk to him and call and ask for favors) - He is doing great at turning down those favors now, when he used to help out much more often before.

This is my first post ever and I am grateful for so many quick responses already.  I hope the additional background helps.

As regards your sons, that is the main reason, your DH should not permit the situation to go on. Your sons are watching how you let their aunt treat you. How would you feel when your kids are adults and one of your SIL's kids treats one of your kids this way over some imaginary slight. Would you support a gathering theyre hosting that your child has been 'cut' from? Imagine your child accepting this treatment to keep (imaginary) peace. Are you worth any less? We teach people how to treat us. I wouldnt demand an apology, but your DH needs to lower the boom on his sister, tout de suite!

Im glad he is anxious to straighten this out. Best wishes and welcome to the board! :-)

[LeveeWoman]

OP Here with some clarification.  My husband is and always has been my biggest supporter.  He has told me and his family point blank that if he has to choose between me and them he will choose me. 

I come from a large family with many cousins.  We didn't live close but my parents made visiting a priority and I am still best friends with several of my cousins today.  My husband's family grew up 15 minutes from his cousins and didn't really spend time with some of them until he was an adult.  I don't think either situation is 'right' or 'wrong' just 'different'.

SIL has two boys, ages 11 and 9.  My oldest 2 boys are 11 and 8.  These are the only boy cousins on either side of the family close to the same age as my boys.  (There is a 4 yr old boy on one side and a 5 yr old girl)

I know that part of my problem is learning to 'let go' of what I see as an ideal cousin relationship.  My husband supports MY decision to invite SIL over because it is the only time my boys can spend with their cousins.

The cut direct was just with me - It seems SIL and her husband would still like a relationship with my husband. (Meaning they will talk to him and call and ask for favors) - He is doing great at turning down those favors now, when he used to help out much more often before.

This is my first post ever and I am grateful for so many quick responses already.  I hope the additional background helps.

As regards your sons, that is the main reason, your DH should not permit the situation to go on. Your sons are watching how you let their aunt treat you. How would you feel when your kids are adults and one of your SIL's kids treats one of your kids this way over some imaginary slight. Would you support a gathering theyre hosting that your child has been 'cut' from? Imagine your child accepting this treatment to keep (imaginary) peace. Are you worth any less? We teach people how to treat us. I wouldnt demand an apology, but your DH needs to lower the boom on his sister, tout de suite!

Im glad he is anxious to straighten this out. Best wishes and welcome to the board! :-)

Amen!

No child has ever been harmed by not being close to his cousin, but children have been harmed seeing their mothers being mistreated.

[pierrotlunaire0]

Agree with the others here, just wanted to add: I wonder how much of this is due to the fact that SIL is jealous of your changed statuses. 

But anyway: she is scapegoating you.  It was not your decision alone to purchase insurance elsewhere, and you did not force your husband.  It is time for SIL to pull up her big girl panties and accept the fact that no one has ever been successful selling a product or service by tantrums.  The few people who do give in solely to avoid the tantrums are looking for a way out.

[rose red]

Many have said the DH should step up, but the OP needs to step up also.  I can understand why her husband is confused in what to do.  His sister is snubbing his wife and he's prepared to take sides, yet his wife won't allow him to take sides and insist on inviting them to parties and continue building relationships.  Yes, perhaps he should do it on his own anyway, but when you are living it, it can be difficult to see clearly.  Especially when his own wife is the one who keep inviting SIL into the family.

[TinyVulgarUnicorn]

Agree with the others here, just wanted to add: I wonder how much of this is due to the fact that SIL is jealous of your changed statuses. 

I think this is the whole crux of the matter...I think the SIL is jealous.

[sammycat]

We are not the only friends or family she cut off for not using her services. 

So basically she throws a tantrum whenever anyone says 'no' to her? I'm wondering if other people are saying 'no' after hearing how she reacts when told 'no' and don't want to deal with any potential drama if anything goes wrong with their transaction.  Just curious, has she always been like this, or just since her change in circumstances? (Not that it really matters, but I'm just curious).

I think your husband needs to make it clear that this was a joint decision, and if she's going to snub his wife then neither he nor you nor the boys will be around her.

I absolutely agree.

While OP's DH may be a great guy, he deserves 40 lashes with a wet noodle over this. The best time to make that point was the very first time it happened. Instead, he's managed to keep his illusion of a functional FOO by letting OP be the scapegoat, even if only through his silence.

I agree with art and winterlight.

[Iris]

Many have said the DH should step up, but the OP needs to step up also.  I can understand why her husband is confused in what to do.  His sister is snubbing his wife and he's prepared to take sides, yet his wife won't allow him to take sides and insist on inviting them to parties and continue building relationships.  Yes, perhaps he should do it on his own anyway, but when you are living it, it can be difficult to see clearly.  Especially when his own wife is the one who keep inviting SIL into the family.

This. Without the extra info I would have been entirely behind art's post, but it does sound like the OP herself has been the one pushing for some relations to be maintained so that the cousins can be close.

OP, please stop putting up with this. I was not close to my cousins growing up, whereas my DDs are close to their cousins, and as far as I can tell it makes not one blind bit of difference to the value of a childhood. I agree entirely with LeveeWoman "No child has ever been harmed by not being close to his cousin, but children have been harmed seeing their mothers being mistreated" and will add "and by seeing their father (apparently) allow it."

Your sons will look to your DH as their example of how to be good men. If you are stopping your DH from doing what he thinks is right to support you by encouraging him to allow your SIL to treat you like this in your home, then you are potentially sending your sons the message that it's okay for a spouse to stand by and allow someone else to treat their SO like dirt, because that's what Daddy does (from outward appearances).

[greencat]

You can continue the bigger people and invite the SIL and BIL to the parties in your home, OP, but be strong people and escort them out the door when SIL snubs you, OP.

Maybe something like, "I'm sorry that you're tired of socializing so soon.  Let me help you gather your things and we'll see you next time."

I, personally, would complete the cut and cease voluntarily interacting with people who treated me like that. 

[LeveeWoman]

You can continue the bigger people and invite the SIL and BIL to the parties in your home, OP, but be strong people and escort them out the door when SIL snubs you, OP.

Maybe something like, "I'm sorry that you're tired of socializing so soon.  Let me help you gather your things and we'll see you next time."

I, personally, would complete the cut and cease voluntarily interacting with people who treated me like that.

That probably would be very soon after that woman stepped across the threshold.

[TootsNYC]

Actually, I think the wisest course would be to stick w/ the low drama, and just stop inviting SIL anywhere. She has declared the animosity--it's sort of disrespectful to continue issuing invitations.

Explain this decision to everyone else you have in common w/ her (family, friends, etc.).
Say, "we want to respect her wishes, out of respect for her. And so we aren't going to put her in an awkward spot anymore, where she has to be rude to her hostess in order to stand by her principles. Please don't discuss our parties with her, since we won't have invited her. It wouldn't be polite to her, of course, to do so."

And tell MIL, "If SIL would like to stop this feud, she can do so at any time. We are not interested in prolonging the rift. All she has to do is drop it--she doesn't have to apologize, she doesn't have to become best buds. She only has to be mildly pleasant when we see each other, and drop the animosity.
   "She probably does owe us an apology, but we've decided that her financial anxieties are hard for her to handle, and so we're simply going to forgive her without asking for an apology. But we're not going to extend that forgiveness until she indicates at the next family gathering at your house, that she is done being angry.
   "Oh, and we're not going to be apologizing to her either."

[LifeOnPluto]

OP here again - There were two main reasons we did not use her for insurance. 

#1 - She is family - for reasons other posters have already stated - it did not seem wise at all
#2 - Money - Her quote was quite a bit more expensive than our regular agent for the same coverage

There has always been a monetary discrepancy in the family. (I am sure this is not uncommon) We had always made quite a bit less income than SIL (1/4 of her income) and the cut direct occurred at a major change in incomes for both families. We had an increase in income (resulting in the home purchase) and they had a decrease (resulting in them losing their home) So now we make about the same amount of income but they consider us 'rich' (we own a home) and themselves 'poor' (they have to rent)

I usually read other posts and say to myself - Oh, the answer to that is easy! It is quite different on this side of the question.  All your answers have given me quite a bit to think about.  After discussing it with my DH he is now quite eager to call up SIL and get this straightened out.


Thank you for all of the advice!

When your DH phones his sister, he needs to make one thing clear: SIL is to treat you with respect at the Christmas get-together. No cold-shouldering / ignoring you. Because if she does, he will take you and the kids, and leave.

And then you and your DH must hold firm to that. If she gives you the cut direct, you turn around and leave.

As for inviting SIL to future events in your home, I would see how things go at the Christmas gathering first. If SIL is making an effort to acknowledge you, I'd keep on inviting her to your house (and monitor the situation carefully - any sign of ignoring you, and she won't be invited back). However, if SIL gives you the cold shoulder at the Christmas gathering, your decision is easy. Don't invite her to your house. It's clear she can't behave.

[bbaker]

UPDATE:  My husband called his sister and her husband tonight.  I was not home during this conversation so it is third-hand.  (What he relayed to me/my understanding of what happened)

He was ready to really tell her off and cut off all contact if necessary.  So he started the conversation with the information that we will not celebrate Christmas where we are not wanted, but we would like to move past this if she would like to also.  Apparently her reply was that I am crazy.  They moved past this a long time ago, and can't understand why I would start drama now.  The proof that they've moved on? Well, 'we've come over to your house when you've invited us and we wouldn't do that if we hadn't moved on'. 

(We believe that they are the type of people who realize they behaved childishly, and are trying to save face by 'pretending' that there hasn't been a problem for the last two years.)

Then they apologized that I still feel unwelcome and expressed a desire to reconcile.  They invited ALL of us over for Christmas Eve.  My husband is happy that they want to be a family again and is willing to have us attend.

So far, the way I see it, their words and their actions do not match up.  They say they've already moved on, yet still do not talk to me at all.  (Possibly out of embarrassment??) It is my turn to step up and give them one last chance now.  We will attend Christmas Eve now that I have been invited.  I certainly don't believe it will be perfect, but it might be a step in the right direction.  If not, we will pack up the kids and leave, never to return. 

[JoyinVirginia]

Good update in a way, clueless update in that they food not speak to you in your own house.
Go and don't even take your coat off until they greet you personally. Your dh can be the prompter if necessary. ” here is my wife, are you going to say hello. If not,.we will leave, we know when we aren't wanted.”
good luck! Hope they realize how unprofessional the sil has been

[LeveeWoman]

UPDATE:  My husband called his sister and her husband tonight.  I was not home during this conversation so it is third-hand.  (What he relayed to me/my understanding of what happened)

He was ready to really tell her off and cut off all contact if necessary.  So he started the conversation with the information that we will not celebrate Christmas where we are not wanted, but we would like to move past this if she would like to also.  Apparently her reply was that I am crazy.   They moved past this a long time ago, and can't understand why I would start drama now.  The proof that they've moved on? Well, 'we've come over to your house when you've invited us and we wouldn't do that if we hadn't moved on'. 

(We believe that they are the type of people who realize they behaved childishly, and are trying to save face by 'pretending' that there hasn't been a problem for the last two years.)

Then they apologized that I still feel unwelcome and expressed a desire to reconcile.  They invited ALL of us over for Christmas Eve.  My husband is happy that they want to be a family again and is willing to have us attend.

So far, the way I see it, their words and their actions do not match up.  They say they've already moved on, yet still do not talk to me at all.  (Possibly out of embarrassment??) It is my turn to step up and give them one last chance now.  We will attend Christmas Eve now that I have been invited.  I certainly don't believe it will be perfect, but it might be a step in the right direction.  If not, we will pack up the kids and leave, never to return.

My stars and bars!