Author Topic: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57  (Read 19777 times)

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gemma156

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #60 on: December 14, 2013, 02:19:49 AM »
So in effect they have avoided saying sorry over their issue by stating they were over 'it', and proved that by coming to the family gathering that was held at your house - but, this is the kicker, at the same time having another go at you by calling you crazy and a pot stirrer, by trying to ruin the upcoming family gathering by starting up a new drama. 

One word 'classic'.  But you have to give her a little credit when she realized that the issue was not going to go away, and she apologized to her brother, would've been better if she offered that to you, and then extended the olive branch to reconnect over their antics.

Hopefully your SIL has recognized the beauty of family harmony, and has outgrown her childish tantrums.  It just takes some people a little longer to put away their toys and join the adult world.

sammycat

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #61 on: December 14, 2013, 02:46:43 AM »
Personally I wouldn't bother with these people again until SIL apologises for calling you crazy.  This has to be the worst non-apology I've seen.

BarensMom

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #62 on: December 14, 2013, 02:51:50 AM »
"Apparently her reply was that I am crazy."

Oh no, she didn't!

How did your DH respond to that?  Any answer other than, "Well, someone's crazy, but I don't think it's my wife," is the wrong answer and a certain man would be sleeping on the sofa.
« Last Edit: December 14, 2013, 03:04:44 AM by BarensMom »

sammycat

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #63 on: December 14, 2013, 02:59:12 AM »
"Apparently her reply was that I am crazy."

Oh no, she didn't!

How did your DH respond to that?  Any answer other than, "Well, someone's crazy, but I don't thinks it's my wife," is the wrong answer and a certain man would be sleeping on the sofa.

Yup!

It seems to me that the DH is so focused/keen on making things 'right' with his sister that his wife has been forgotten and has been made a scapegoat.

Sara Crewe (previously Tia2)

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #64 on: December 14, 2013, 03:16:23 AM »
I agree with PPs - you've moved from having a SIL problem to having a DH problem.  Her response to him challenging her behaviour is to blame everything on you and say you are mentally ill and he has gone along with this and now expects you to socialise with her as though nothing has happened!?  That would be totally unacceptable to me even for the sake of family harmony.

I do see that you may want to go over on Christmas Eve for the reasons you have given, but your husband needs to recognise how unacceptable SIL's behaviour continues to be and the two of you need to have a plan in place to deal with her if she starts in on you in front of the rest of the family (or will your DH expect you to just sit there and take it since SIL says it's all in your head?).

finecabernet

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #65 on: December 14, 2013, 08:18:16 AM »
I'm glad you and your husband got this straightened out, but I have a SIL just like this, and in my experience, she will just find something else in the future to be angry about and use as a reason to snub you (though I hope this doesn't happen). Good luck and I hope it turns out okay.

blue2000

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #66 on: December 14, 2013, 09:10:28 AM »
UPDATE:  My husband called his sister and her husband tonight.  I was not home during this conversation so it is third-hand.  (What he relayed to me/my understanding of what happened)

He was ready to really tell her off and cut off all contact if necessary.  So he started the conversation with the information that we will not celebrate Christmas where we are not wanted, but we would like to move past this if she would like to also.  Apparently her reply was that I am crazy.  They moved past this a long time ago, and can't understand why I would start drama now.  The proof that they've moved on? Well, 'we've come over to your house when you've invited us and we wouldn't do that if we hadn't moved on'.  :o

(We believe that they are the type of people who realize they behaved childishly, and are trying to save face by 'pretending' that there hasn't been a problem for the last two years.)

Then they apologized that I still feel unwelcome and expressed a desire to reconcile.  They invited ALL of us over for Christmas Eve.  My husband is happy that they want to be a family again and is willing to have us attend.

So far, the way I see it, their words and their actions do not match up.  They say they've already moved on, yet still do not talk to me at all.  (Possibly out of embarrassment??) It is my turn to step up and give them one last chance now.  We will attend Christmas Eve now that I have been invited.  I certainly don't believe it will be perfect, but it might be a step in the right direction.  If not, we will pack up the kids and leave, never to return. 









One word. Gaslighting.

They have refused to talk to you, invite you anywhere, or be at all nice to you. And yet YOU are the one who is not over it because you took them at their word. They may be fake-nice to you for a while on Christmas Eve, but I'd bet on their behaviour getting worse, not better.
You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #67 on: December 14, 2013, 09:18:02 AM »
You are a very gracious lady to decide to ignore their immaturity and just move on. But when your family arrives, your DH needs to stick by your side to confirm they do treat you as a welcomed guest and not an interloper. I'm not saying you guys need to gush over each other but polite "Merry Christmas, glad your here" with genuine smiles.

*inviteseller

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #68 on: December 14, 2013, 09:20:15 AM »
This is not a DH problem..it is a DH & OP problem.  You both are so eager for the faaaaaaaamily and a perceived best friend relationship for your cousins because that is what you had growing up, that you are going to allow this woman to treat you like dirt.  She didn't apologize to you..in fact she called you crazy.  She says she is over it, but when she 'got over it' she should have called you or came to you and profusely apologized for being such a baby over a marital decision.  Instead she treated you like dirt, threw your gracious hospitality in your face (oh, that would have happened exactly once then nevereverever again) and now both of you are eager to try again.  You have nothing to try at..SIL has all the work to do.  If you think she won't do this again, you are mistaken because she hasn't learned.  Most likely the only reason she is inviting you guys is a) gifts..she seems to be entitled and b) your MIL probably pressured her into it.  Good luck but don't go to this thinking you two will now be besties and please understand that your kids see this behavior and the mistreatment of you and YOUR willingness to overlook it.

Oh Joy

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #69 on: December 14, 2013, 09:29:41 AM »
Good job to your husband for calling her on her behavior!  I imagine it wasn't comfortable to change the dynamic.

I hope it was enough to remind SIL of more appropriate expectations.

Best wishes, happy holidays, and please keep us posted!

Alpacas

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #70 on: December 14, 2013, 09:37:49 AM »
I think first and foremost before taking care of any issues with SIL you and your DH need to be on the same page.

You two need to talk about what kind of rel@tionship you want with  your SIL and with what you can live without giving her to much headspace.
When you reached that point your DH needs to really understand your POV in this and that saying "Oh OP is crazy we already got over it." is not the same as saying "We're so sorry for our behaviour. We would love to reconcile with OP."

I think that gives you a proper base to make any desicions about your rel@tionshiop with SIL

buvezdevin

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #71 on: December 14, 2013, 09:47:06 AM »
I agree with Hmmmmm that OP and her husband should stick together, literally and figuratively, at the gathering at SIL's for the holidays.  If SIL or her husband cut OP or treat her poorly, OP's husband should be in a position to see it himself, and address as needed that *he* will not accept such behavior towards his wife - it should not be addressed as a matter of OP's perceptions since SIL has already tried to play the "OP is wrong/crazy in her perceptions" card.

I am wondering how the discussion between OP's husband and SIL went from OP's husband saying "we will not accept this treatment" to SIL saying "she is crazy" and why OP's husband did not respond "we are not crazy, and I have seen you ignore my wife."

Since there are family members beyond SIL and her husband and children (MIL, other SIL, spouse and children) I can see why OP and her husband would want to move forward in a way which allows for family gatherings, and so long as the SIL at issue demonstrates at least a minimum of polite behavior towards OP that can work.  It doesn't require OP and SIL to develop or pretend to have a close and caring relationship - but anything less than basic civility from SIL should not be left unaddressed in future, and OP's husband should be vigilant in ensuring his wife is not mistreated further.
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lkdrymom

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #72 on: December 14, 2013, 09:57:27 AM »
Here is the thing. When SIL said they had already 'gotten over it'...they meant they got over your terrible slight of not using them professionally.  SIL still does not see that she is at fault in any way...so why would she think to appologize?  I would make sure  DH sticks by you the entire evening and see how SIL acts. She doesn't have to be buddy-buddy but she does have to say hello and goodbye and not ignore you during conversations.  Be prepared to walk out.

JenJay

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #73 on: December 14, 2013, 12:26:31 PM »
You are a very gracious lady to decide to ignore their immaturity and just move on. But when your family arrives, your DH needs to stick by your side to confirm they do treat you as a welcomed guest and not an interloper. I'm not saying you guys need to gush over each other but polite "Merry Christmas, glad your here" with genuine smiles.

Yep! I would ask DH to please stick near my side because of my very real concern that his sister only backed down to appease him but still has every intention of ignoring me.

Your DH sounds like a good guy so I hope he realizes that you were not imagining the snubs, his sister is playing the "Who me? But I'm innocent!" game. If she intends to change her attitude to reflect her words, fine. If not then your plan of packing up and leaving immediately is a good one.

TootsNYC

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #74 on: December 14, 2013, 12:48:34 PM »
You are a very gracious lady to decide to ignore their immaturity and just move on. But when your family arrives, your DH needs to stick by your side to confirm they do treat you as a welcomed guest and not an interloper. I'm not saying you guys need to gush over each other but polite "Merry Christmas, glad your here" with genuine smiles.

I'm w/ Hmmmmm. (I always have to count--it's 5 m's)

You are a very gracious lady.

But I also do hope that you and DH will raise your standards in terms of what you are willing to accept from them in this regard.