Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57

[gramma dishes]

You are a very gracious lady to decide to ignore their immaturity and just move on. But when your family arrives, your DH needs to stick by your side to confirm they do treat you as a welcomed guest and not an interloper. I'm not saying you guys need to gush over each other but polite "Merry Christmas, glad your here" with genuine smiles.

I'm w/ Hmmmmm. (I always have to count--it's 5 m's)

You are a very gracious lady.

But I also do hope that you and DH will raise your standards in terms of what you are willing to accept from them in this regard.

Agree with Hmmmmm and Toots.  And please, OP, do keep in mind that your children are watching.

You have sons.  Does your husband want them to think that it's perfectly okay for other people to mistreat their wives while they still continue to have a cozy and warm relationship with those very same people?  Because that's what they're learning right now.

And if you had a daughter, would he (or you) want his daughter to think she has to  just put up with ridiculously rude, offensive behavior toward her to "keep the peace"? 

Something both of you really need to think about (and maybe discuss).   

[immadz]

Why are you willing to let this aggressive non-apology slide. I think you and your husband need to reevaluate your relationship with his sister. If boorish bullies never get called out on their boorishness, or have any consequences there is no real upside to being polite. She calls you crazy and you are essentially rewarding her for calling you crazy.

[TootsNYC]

And if you had a daughter, would he (or you) want his daughter to think she has to  just put up with ridiculously rude, offensive behavior toward her to "keep the peace"? 

Actually, I wouldn't want my sons to learn that either.

[Outdoor Girl]

If you do decide to attend, I do like the idea of sticking to your DH's side like glue.  That way, SIL will be forced to interact with you and you'll know whether she is genuine about dropping the whole matter or whether she is just telling you that.

[gramma dishes]

And if you had a daughter, would he (or you) want his daughter to think she has to  just put up with ridiculously rude, offensive behavior toward her to "keep the peace"? 

Actually, I wouldn't want my sons to learn that either.

True.  Thanks for that modification.

[Drunken Housewife]

OP, you are positively saintly.  You're so saintly that I worry you could be treated badly.  You are willing to absorb bad treatment for the greater good (for your kids having a relationship with their cousins, e.g.), but please, think of the lessons your kids are absorbing.  You wouldn't let them be treated like doormats, I'm sure. 

I think going this Christmas is fine, so long as the SIL and BIL actually speak to you and treat you politely.  If they don't, I hope your husband will call them out on this.  You haven't done anything wrong and don't deserve to be treated badly, and your kids shouldn't see their mother treated as a non-person by one side of the family.

[sammycat]

This is not a DH problem..it is a DH & OP problem. You both are so eager for the faaaaaaaamily and a perceived best friend relationship for your cousins because that is what you had growing up, that you are going to allow this woman to treat you like dirt.  She didn't apologize to you..in fact she called you crazy.  She says she is over it, but when she 'got over it' she should have called you or came to you and profusely apologized for being such a baby over a marital decision.  Instead she treated you like dirt, threw your gracious hospitality in your face (oh, that would have happened exactly once then nevereverever again) and now both of you are eager to try again.  You have nothing to try at..SIL has all the work to do.  If you think she won't do this again, you are mistaken because she hasn't learned.  Most likely the only reason she is inviting you guys is a) gifts..she seems to be entitled and b) your MIL probably pressured her into it.  Good luck but don't go to this thinking you two will now be besties and please understand that your kids see this behavior and the mistreatment of you and YOUR willingness to overlook it.

THIS, all of it.

As another poster pointed out, there's also probably some gaslighting going on.

[aussie_chick]

It would have been helpful if your DH had been able to tell his sister that HE had noticed their behaviour towards you. This would have highlighted to your SIL that whilst she wants to claim they have obviously moved on, they clearly haven't. He may have done this, i'm not sure.

Also that really there was NOTHING to move on from! Your SIL behaved immaturely about a joint decision you and your DH made but only punished you! You and your DH had nothing to move on from because you hadn't done anything wrong!

Of course, conversations can't always go exactly as planned/hoped and sometimes not everything you wanted to achieve is.

On that basis, I agree with others who have said stick close to your DH at their home. So that he is in a position to see what's going on and it doesn't become a she said/she said situation between you and your SIL.

Wishing you all the best for a drama free Christmas Eve!

[luvmyboys]

I liked your SIL more when she was overtly hostile.  This PA hostility is very hard to fight.  No one else sees it but you.   OY!   I live this every day with my SIL and it has taken 15 years for my dh to really see it and sometimes I STILL have to point it out to him.   Your SIL is jealous of you (for whatever reason) and does not want a relationship with you, however, she is not willing to let go of her brother.  He must be the one to "get it" and stand up to her.  Hopefully someday he will.

[Mikayla]

Your DH sounds like a good guy so I hope he realizes that you were not imagining the snubs, his sister is playing the "Who me? But I'm innocent!" game. If she intends to change her attitude to reflect her words, fine. If not then your plan of packing up and leaving immediately is a good one.

I agree on the bolded (meaning I don't think the OP has a DH problem).  It's not like he promised to talk to his sister and then bailed on that.  And on the "crazy" comment, OP never said what her DH responded, so it's entirely likely he addressed that. 

I think he needs to continue to show improvement and be willing to pack up the family and leave (per the update) if SIL still acts like a clown.  But sometimes this stuff doesn't turn on a dime. 

And I really really want to see the last update on this one!

[johelenc1]

In this case, I think you need to ignore everything SIL said except, "you are welcome for Christmas dinner.  We want to move ahead".  The rest is noise.

Go to the dinner, treat her with kindness and be friendly and let their response and behavior be your guide.

Someone mentioned that SIL ignoring you at your own parties may have been embarrassment.  That's very possible. 

I get what people are saying about your children watching and allowing them to treat you with disrespect.  But, if I read things correctly, mostly she's just ignored you.  Other than calling you crazy, which was probably a defensive reaction to being called out, it doesn't sound like she's going around spreading rumors. 

Since she/they've expressed willingness to try, I would let them.  If they continue to act the same way they did before, then you can react accordingly. 

[LifeOnPluto]

I'd proceed with caution. SIL's claim to be "over it" is a load of bulldust. If she was really "over it", she wouldn't have snubbed you at the previous family gatherings at your house.

I think your and your DH need to have a plan of action. For example, you both could agree that if your SIL ignores your greetings, your DH will act as the "prompt". Eg "Sister, my wife said 'Hello' to you. Did you not hear her?"

And if there is any overt rudeness, you and your family should leave straight away.

[sammycat]

I'd proceed with caution. SIL's claim to be "over it" is a load of bulldust. If she was really "over it", she wouldn't have snubbed you at the previous family gatherings at your house.

I think your and your DH need to have a plan of action. For example, you both could agree that if your SIL ignores your greetings, your DH will act as the "prompt". Eg "Sister, my wife said 'Hello' to you. Did you not hear her?"

And if there is any overt rudeness, you and your family should leave straight away.

POD.

[Snooks]

I'd be tempted to have a pre-Christmas adults only dry run. Meet with SIL and BIL on neutral territory so that the first contact you have isn't in front of the rest of the family and your kids. Get any awkwardness out of the way and if SIL isn't over it then you can decline the family gathering. I know timescales might not allow it but I'd be very wary of placing the whole family in a difficult situation if your SIL continues to ignore you.

[GreenBird]

I like Snooks' idea, although I'm sure time is tight at this point.  You could try a telephone 'dry-run' - you could call on some pretense (confirm what you're bringing?) and see if she'll talk to you on the phone.  I wouldn't discuss any past issues or anything, just a test to see if she'll talk directly to you about innocuous things, and be polite with you in a normal conversation.  Maybe it would break the ice a little in advance, and get some of the initial awkwardness out of the way.  (Or at least give you a better idea of what kind of reception you might expect at her house.)