Author Topic: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57  (Read 17866 times)

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doodlemor

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #90 on: December 15, 2013, 03:02:37 PM »
I'd proceed with caution. SIL's claim to be "over it" is a load of bulldust. If she was really "over it", she wouldn't have snubbed you at the previous family gatherings at your house.

I think your and your DH need to have a plan of action. For example, you both could agree that if your SIL ignores your greetings, your DH will act as the "prompt". Eg "Sister, my wife said 'Hello' to you. Did you not hear her?"

And if there is any overt rudeness, you and your family should leave straight away.

Most definitely, you and DH need to be on the same page, and have a plan of action that you discuss fully beforehand.  From your previous posts I'm not sure that he still completely understands her malicious behavior.  I suspect that he so accustomed to her quirks that he doesn't see the whole picture.

As for your sons being friends with their cousins - keep in mind that the older these boys get, the more able they will be to keep in touch with each other without adult assistance.

Arila

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #91 on: December 16, 2013, 02:42:09 AM »
Hey OP, I hope you guys can move past this and have a good, and drama free celebration next week. I am a little interested to know if her go-forward behavior is flat out ignoring you or maybe just cool. Not all family has to be close and warm, so long as they are civil.

I like Snooks' idea, although I'm sure time is tight at this point.  You could try a telephone 'dry-run' - you could call on some pretense (confirm what you're bringing?) and see if she'll talk to you on the phone.  I wouldn't discuss any past issues or anything, just a test to see if she'll talk directly to you about innocuous things, and be polite with you in a normal conversation.  Maybe it would break the ice a little in advance, and get some of the initial awkwardness out of the way.  (Or at least give you a better idea of what kind of reception you might expect at her house.)

Don't forget to have DH on the other line to witness, especially if she thinks she's just talking to you. But, I also think it's a good idea to take it slow and ease back into relations. A phone call before a high pressure party is a good intermediate step.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #92 on: December 16, 2013, 09:43:01 AM »
To be fair to the husband, SIL probably did not come right out and say OP is crazy.  She probably said, "I have no idea what you are talking about.  Haven't we attended parties at your house?  Isn't that proof that we have moved past it?  That OP, she sure likes to stir up drama."

Others are correct: have husband at your side when you say,"Merry Christmas, SIL!"  so that she has to respond or be proved a liar.
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy

LadyJaneinMD

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #93 on: December 16, 2013, 01:50:52 PM »
OP, how do your nephews treat you?  Are they friendly and outgoing, or do they treat you distantly like their mother does?   

hopeful4

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #94 on: December 20, 2013, 12:09:27 PM »
Don't you just love it when you call someone on their obvious behavior and they act as if they don't know what you are talking about and it must be YOU with the problem?   

If they ignore you say something like "Oh, perhaps you did not hear me but I was just wondering how little Suzie's school play (or ???) went?"  if you are still ignored, leave if you can or at your house, outright ask them if they are uncomfortable talking to you and if so, why and can you work it out with them.   

bbaker

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57 and #95
« Reply #95 on: December 26, 2013, 01:40:29 AM »
OP Here with the update -
We attended the Christmas eve dinner celebration.  It was awkward to say the least.  Think 10 adults sitting at the table (2 grandmothers also attended) with lots of silence.  I tried my best to talk and ask questions to help keep the conversation moving.

Basically I can say we survived with less drama than I expected.  My DH and I were prepared for lots of drama and prepared to walk out if necessary.  I'm glad it wasn't necessary because the kids had a good time with their cousins.

However, even though the kids had fun I think it is the last Christmas eve we will spend with them.  We will politely decline future "invitations".  It was clear that SIL is not truly 'over it'.  I am ready to let go of her.  I think the correct ehell term is that I will 'drop the rope and stop engaging the crazy'.

I am looking forward to spending next Christmas with just my DH and children and creating happy memories.  :D

Thanks again for all the support and good advice! I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!!




pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #96 on: December 26, 2013, 09:53:26 AM »
Well, at least you will always know that you sincerely tried.  And here's to creating happy new traditions!
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy

GrammarNerd

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #97 on: December 26, 2013, 09:58:33 AM »
But did she actually talk to you and engage in the conversations that you tried to start?  Or did she do just enough to get by so you couldn't find fault with any one thing, but the whole vibe was just 'off'?

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #98 on: December 26, 2013, 10:27:31 AM »
But did she actually talk to you and engage in the conversations that you tried to start?  Or did she do just enough to get by so you couldn't find fault with any one thing, but the whole vibe was just 'off'?

My bet is on the latter.  These sorts of people will do just enough to have plausible deniability.  What a piece of work SIL is.

Oh Joy

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #99 on: December 26, 2013, 11:54:42 AM »
Well done at taking the high road.  Now you can turn down future invitations with a peaceful mind.

cwm

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57
« Reply #100 on: December 26, 2013, 12:16:03 PM »
OP, congrats on trying and taking the high road. You can honestly say now that you've given it your best effort, which obviously wasn't good enough for some people. And it's always fun making new traditions!

gramma dishes

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do? UPDATE #57 and #95
« Reply #101 on: December 26, 2013, 02:45:42 PM »

...   We attended the Christmas eve dinner celebration.  It was awkward to say the least.  Think 10 adults sitting at the table (2 grandmothers also attended) with lots of silence.    ...

Well, at least the other people got to see the way she treated you in person.  They've witnessed the awkwardness.  So they'll (perhaps?  hopefully?) be less likely to insist upon your joining them in the future!   :-\



gmatoy

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #102 on: December 26, 2013, 06:17:54 PM »
I'm really hoping they don't think your husband will go without you and bring your "assignment"?  You have been beyond gracious at this point by accepting your SIL's poor behavior.  I would use this as the opportunity to set your own boundary and say you (your family, meaning DH and kids, too) will not be attending since you are not welcome.  And DH should be the one to decline the "invitation."
This, especially the part I bolded and underlined.

Can you tell that I liked that advice?

Modified to add: I should have finished reading the entire thing!
« Last Edit: December 26, 2013, 06:20:43 PM by gmatoy »

Elfmama

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Re: Invited but Not Welcome at Family Christmas-What to do?
« Reply #103 on: December 26, 2013, 11:57:26 PM »
OP you should definitely read Art2k's Magic Words post.  It's become an ehell classic for many very good reasons.
Thanks for posting this, PG.  I'd never run across it before.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's true. Money can't buy happiness.  You have to turn it
into books first.
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