Author Topic: Multiple Baby Shower Question  (Read 2160 times)

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TeraNova15

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Multiple Baby Shower Question
« on: December 13, 2013, 08:54:13 AM »
Is having more than 1 baby shower defacto rude?

OR is it OK to have more than 1 baby shower presuming the following conditions:

1. They are being thrown by different hosts.
2. They have comepletely different guest lists to avoid "gift grabbing".

BG: Long story short about this question: I have a friend who has very generously offered to throw me a baby shower and both she and I are 100% in snyc with what this means, size of the guest list etc. My mother found out and is now passive-agressively demanding that I convince my friend to cancel her shower because my mother is planning a shower.* Her go to arguement at the moment is that its rude to have more than one shower. I say its fine as long as the 2 above conditions are followed. This also has the added benefit of not have 1 shower attended by more than 40 people, which I think is an excessive amout of guests for this sort of event. There is a lot of other long drawn out drama behind this due to my mom being very controlling, but that's the etiquette issue.

*Saying that family shouldn't host showers isn't going to work. We know way too many sisters/mothers/aunts/grandmothers who have hosted showers for her to find that a valid arguement.

Jones

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2013, 09:19:08 AM »
From what I understand, you are correct in regards to your two conditions. She'll just have to understand that you have friends as well as family, and the two social groups don't necessarily mix.

lowspark

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2013, 09:24:26 AM »
No it's not rude to have multiple showers if you are inviting different people to each one. It's done all the time. Different groups like work friends, church friends, parents' friends, social friends, etc. tend to want to socialize separately and that usually means separate showers. It's pretty normal.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2013, 09:31:45 AM »
I agree; you're fine as long as your two conditions are met.
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peaches

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2013, 09:33:11 AM »
Traditionally, showers were not hosted by close family members. That rule has been relaxed over the years, particularly for a party that only family will be attending.

The simple solution in your case would be for the friend to host a shower for your friends, and for your mother to host a family shower.

That way, there would be no overlap in guests, which is what you want to avoid.

cattlekid

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2013, 09:53:43 AM »
I don't see a problem with that at all.  Mom can do what she wants as long as she doesn't get a hold of friend's guest list.


cwm

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2013, 10:49:03 AM »
I'm going to agree with everyone else. Tell mom that it's great she's hosting a family shower, now friend won't have to invite all the family members and both of the events can be a lot more laid back and less crowded. Frame it that your mom is doing you and your friend a huge favor by throwing you a second party with a different guest list. Throw her off balance a bit.

Lynn2000

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2013, 11:08:09 AM »
I agree with your two conditions. Some people end up having multiple showers for the same baby due to totally different social circles--family, friends, work, club, etc.. Sometimes the guest lists do overlap a smidge, like very close relatives of the parents-to-be (parents, siblings).

So rest assured you are not wrong in these conditions. But it sounds like that isn't the real issue here.  :-\
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TeraNova15

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2013, 12:25:07 PM »
So rest assured you are not wrong in these conditions. But it sounds like that isn't the real issue here.  :-\

You are correct. She is using "its rude" as an excuse. What she really wants is to be able to throw a party where she gets to control the guest list so things can be done "properly. She also asserts that the other party by its very nature is "rude"

Her hosted shower is going to be very traditional, and have her friends and my MIL friends who are mostly older ladies. It will be at a nice resturant, have cutesy shower games, and will involve the standard opening of gifts to ooo-ing and ahhh--ing. We're looking at aroung 15 people including myself. For some reason she thinks this is "too small"

The other party is for my wider circle of friends. It will be a house party (she has an amazing and huge house & backyard, and we live in that area of the US that is currently refusing to acknowledge December ;-) ), men will be invited, games will probably consist of things like "Let's all take a shot because TeraNova can't," and while I will likely sit and open gifts there if people want me to, if they're rather just hang out and have a good time I'm cool with that, I'll send them Thanks Yous later. Its very different mindset and a lot more casual. This party will likely have 30-40 people there.

The 2 groups are very incompatable. Either my friends will need to feel like they have to "be on their best behavior" or the older ladies will be horrified by my friends' antics. Regardless the 1st thing Mom would do if she were in charge is want to get rid of the males from the guest list (once again under the grounds that anything not traditional is "rude") and I find this utterly unacceptable considering that 1) DH gets to part of the Friend Shower festivties, YAY! and 2) Most of my friends are actually male.

I had hoped by shower splitting I could avoid drama but she seems to be intent on making up reasons to be offended. Even Dad and Sister can't figure out what her issue is.

But thank you all, I just wanted to be certain I wasn't wrong in my initial train of thought.

TootsNYC

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2013, 12:51:43 PM »
Well, "rude" is something that I often think of as being "done to" people--and it can't possibly be rude to your aunt for your friend to host a different shower for you.

Etiquette also covers "bad form," which isn't directly "at" anybody. But I think that multiple showers for different groups of people isn't even bad form.

(It sure better not be, bcs I had 4 showers for my wedding--"shower in a box" w/ my family & college friends; ILs' family shower; roommates "local friends" shower; hometown "family friends" shower. And I had multiple for the baby: ILs' family; work; church. All showers were absolutely generated by the people involved.)


In fact, I think it might be a bit rude--well, not rude, but potentially hurtful, which isn't cool to do to someone unless you feel very strongly--to say to the various people, "sorry, I won't let you celebrate with me because I'm already celebrating with these other people."
  (different from saying, "I don't want a shower at all" or even "I'm not close enough to this group of people to have you invite them to a shower.")

doodlemor

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2013, 01:13:42 PM »
Stick to your boundaries, TeraNova, especially if this is the first grandchild.  Your mother is likely to have a lot of ideas to help you raise your baby.  And congratulations to you, too.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #11 on: December 13, 2013, 01:26:53 PM »
The only one being rude here is your mother, for nattering at you, if nothing else.  I know etiquette is changing but a woman throwing a shower, essentially for her own grandchild was a no-no, no matter what the guest list was.  So if your mother wanted to be really proper, she wouldn't be throwing you a shower at all, regardless of what has already been done in the past with other family members.

Ignore your Mom as much as you can and stick to your guns!  Your friends' shower sounds like an absolute blast.

Congratulations.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #12 on: December 14, 2013, 02:53:07 PM »
Mutliple showers with different guests lists are fine for babys or weddings.

Tell your Mom "No, DH and I will be proceeding with the couples shower as planned. If you are so offended by the idea of two showers then I'll understand if you cancel the one your planning. But really, having two showers is very common and entirely proper."

NyaChan

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #13 on: December 14, 2013, 03:07:47 PM »
This is actually a situation where I think having two separate showers would be a kindness to the guests, not rudeness. 

Lynn2000

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Re: Multiple Baby Shower Question
« Reply #14 on: December 16, 2013, 10:43:41 AM »
This is actually a situation where I think having two separate showers would be a kindness to the guests, not rudeness.

And to the GOH as well. We had an interesting thread a while ago debating how much a hostess should accommodate the GOH's preferences in a shower. Some people felt that the GOH should just show up and not expect to have much more input than that. I think the key point in this situation, though, is that Mom not only wants to have a shower her way, she wants to prevent others from having an additional shower their way. And that's not really within Mom's sphere of influence, I think. Even if she invited all the OP's friends to her shower, they could still decline, then host their own (if forewarned by the OP). What the OP and her friends do when not on Mom's time and dime is not Mom's to control.
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