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Author Topic: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway! (Update Post 25)  (Read 7349 times)

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#borecore

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You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway! (Update Post 25)
« on: December 13, 2013, 12:21:31 PM »
We had plans to go to my in-laws' for Christmas. We were going to drive there on the 22nd and leave on the 26th, with a 7-ish hour drive each way. On the 22nd, we were planning to split the drive in half with a day trip in the middle.

I just got an email from my MIL that we are "welcome" to come before the 23rd or after the 29th because they have made plans to go to SIL's house (5 hours in the opposite direction,  and we are definitely not invited) for the entire holiday.

I am obviously not going to make a unilateral decision, but I don't feel even a little bit welcome now! I am inclined to call the whole thing off, as the whole point of our visit was to spend *Christmas* with family. (With a secondary purpose of seeing FIL as he recovers from surgeries and getting some time away from home.)

I admit that I'm extra sensitive because this is my first Christmas in my life not spent with my immediate family. I miss them a lot! Am I being irrational here? Would you make the effort to go for a day or two, maybe 3, on either side of the holiday?  (Given our schedules,  that's the most time we could spend.)
« Last Edit: December 14, 2013, 06:06:58 PM by jmarvellous »

HenrysMom

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2013, 12:24:23 PM »
Nope.  They knew you were coming, and they made other plans.  Just stay home.

Promise

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2013, 12:26:27 PM »
I guess I would wonder if your MIL knew of your plans before informing you of their change? If she did, you could say, "I'm sorry it won't be possible now." If she didn't know of your plans before telling you of their's, a 3 day visit isn't so bad. Get some books on CD and enjoy a good mystery or classic story.

Zizi-K

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2013, 12:27:41 PM »
Wow. It's hard to see this as anything but a slap in the face...unless they didn't you know you were coming, or you left the plans tentative? But if you had concrete firmed-up plans to visit, and then they let you know that they'd made *other* plans to which you are specifically not invited - that's just insulting. I would *definitely* not drive seven hours in potentially crappy weather to see this people. You should not be afraid to let a little of your anger/indignance show through. This is a big deal. What does your spouse say - this is his/her parents, correct?

Bexx27

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2013, 12:33:45 PM »
So you had made plans with them to visit during a certain time frame and they canceled those plans, but said you could come at another time if you want? No, that's definitely not welcoming. I would stay home or visit my side of the family if possible.
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

alkira6

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2013, 12:35:45 PM »
Stay at home. You have been told where you fall in the hierarchy of importance.

Lorelei_Evil

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2013, 12:45:02 PM »
Stay at home. You have been told where you fall in the hierarchy of importance.

POD.  You've been dumped for another offer.  That's really rude.   >:( 

Outdoor Girl

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2013, 12:54:46 PM »
7 hour trip?  So 2 days of travelling, 2 days on the ground?  Yeah, pass, thanks.

I'm with alkira and Lorelei.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
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Redneck Gravy

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2013, 12:55:45 PM »
I am sorry this has happened!  Hugs to you.

I don't think that it was meant to unwelcome you, perhaps there is a back story.  I'm with PP's about plans being made, were they settled or just tentative?

Are you not invited to SIL's for the holiday at all or just not invited for the ENTIRE holiday?  I wasn't clear.   

Because if you are invited for part of it I would go.  Five hours is closer for you anyway and then you can enjoy doing other things (either at home or enroute).  Again, assuming you meant 5 hours from you, not IL's.

Is there any way IL's can spend a night or two with you or there is a reason they cannot? Or is it that they choose not to?





Two Ravens

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2013, 12:59:16 PM »
I think they gave you a gift. Stay at home and enjoy your relaxing Christmas!

#borecore

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2013, 01:01:38 PM »
To clarify: it's a 12+-hour drive to SIL's and she has a tiny house. It's not a snub and there's no resentment.

We had plans I thought were definite,  but I suppose it's clear MIL didn't think so! She is not malicious or anything, and they have had a lot going on recently.  I'm just so disappointed that they forgot our plans completely.

menley

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #11 on: December 13, 2013, 01:32:57 PM »
To clarify: it's a 12+-hour drive to SIL's and she has a tiny house. It's not a snub and there's no resentment.

We had plans I thought were definite,  but I suppose it's clear MIL didn't think so! She is not malicious or anything, and they have had a lot going on recently.  I'm just so disappointed that they forgot our plans completely.

Do you (or your husband) have the kind of relationship where you could tell her just that? If this happened to my husband and I, we'd say outright, we thought we had plans to visit you on these dates, what happened?

Zizi-K

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #12 on: December 13, 2013, 01:36:03 PM »
To clarify: it's a 12+-hour drive to SIL's and she has a tiny house. It's not a snub and there's no resentment.

We had plans I thought were definite,  but I suppose it's clear MIL didn't think so! She is not malicious or anything, and they have had a lot going on recently.  I'm just so disappointed that they forgot our plans completely.

With that additional information, I would just say gently, "Actually MIL we had planned to come and visit YOU from the 22-29, perhaps you don't remember our conversation? In any case, it's really difficult to make that drive for just a couple of days, so why don't we try to get together early next year?"

In other words - let her know that you HAD planned on coming, but are not doing so any longer. I agree with the PPs who said - this is a gift! Enjoy a peaceful and low-key holiday. Or search for a cheap last-minute flight and see if you can go to the Carribean. : )

EllenS

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #13 on: December 13, 2013, 01:40:30 PM »
To clarify: it's a 12+-hour drive to SIL's and she has a tiny house. It's not a snub and there's no resentment.

We had plans I thought were definite,  but I suppose it's clear MIL didn't think so! She is not malicious or anything, and they have had a lot going on recently.  I'm just so disappointed that they forgot our plans completely.

Do you (or your husband) have the kind of relationship where you could tell her just that? If this happened to my husband and I, we'd say outright, we thought we had plans to visit you on these dates, what happened?

POD.  I think if there is any chance it was just an oversight/accidental, then more communication usually = better relationship.

Everybody's brains just don't work the same way - it doesn't mean they don't care about you, if they are just the type who don't write stuff down properly.

My brother and SIL and neice (the eldest grandkid) are flying in from the other side of the continent, to stay with my dad, and my dad has been over the moon about it for MONTHS. 

We have still had to tell him about seventeen times exactly when they are coming, and whether or not they need picking up from the airport, etc.  He's not getting dementia, he just doesn't retain stuff like that, never has.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: You are only a little bit welcome! Come anyway!
« Reply #14 on: December 13, 2013, 01:42:15 PM »
To clarify: it's a 12+-hour drive to SIL's and she has a tiny house. It's not a snub and there's no resentment.

We had plans I thought were definite,  but I suppose it's clear MIL didn't think so! She is not malicious or anything, and they have had a lot going on recently.  I'm just so disappointed that they forgot our plans completely.

With that additional information, I would just say gently, "Actually MIL we had planned to come and visit YOU from the 22-29, perhaps you don't remember our conversation? In any case, it's really difficult to make that drive for just a couple of days, so why don't we try to get together early next year?"

In other words - let her know that you HAD planned on coming, but are not doing so any longer. I agree with the PPs who said - this is a gift! Enjoy a peaceful and low-key holiday. Or search for a cheap last-minute flight and see if you can go to the Carribean. : )

Thank you for the clarification.  I would go with this and I love the last minute flights somewhere.