Not this year

[Grammy]

B/G - After a divorce in DH's family a few years ago, DH and I have taken over hosting the Christmas celebration. Early in December I e-mail niece-in-law to choose a date as their schedule is fuller than everyone else's. Date chosen, planning begins. Food, gifts, cleaning. It's kind of a lot of work and expense to prepare for this gathering. end B/G

For a variety of reasons DH and I have decided not to host this year. I wasn't sure if I should let everyone know so I just didn't extend an invitation, figuring if they didn't get the invite, they would assume it wasn't happening. Yesterday NIL called to ask for gift ideas for my grandkids. It was an awkward situation! I had to tell her that we weren't having a party so gifts were unnecessary. She didn't seem broken-hearted and I was glad to have the word out.

Was I wrong to assume lack of invitation was sufficient or should I have let everyone know we weren't hosting this year?

[GratefulMaria]

I probably would have sent something.  We emailed MIL early in November to let her know we weren't hosting her for U.S. Thanksgiving (and set up an alternate date, but that's optional and specific to our dynamic with her).

I wouldn't say you were wrong not to do it.  It can be an awkward message to send out.  I also think it was all right for one of your usual guests to approach you with a question about it but not in an outright where's-our-invitation way; maybe NIL was trying to figure out if you were waiting to hear from her and message got lost, etc. and this was her way to check.

[PastryGoddess]

You should have let people know. Especially if you have hosted every year the past several years.  Unless you tell people otherwise, they will assume that nothing has changed. 

[Hmmmmm]

I think that contacting neice about a date was like sending a "save the date" card. It implied there would be a family gathering. So as soon as I made the decision to not host, I would have contacted other family members to make them aware so that they could decide if they wanted to host or plan something. Especially since you and your DH had assumed the responsibility of hosting. If given notice in early December another family member might have thought "Yeah, I've been wanting to host but didn't want to step on Grammy's toes."

Edited because I misread the initial post as a note going out this year.

[GratefulMaria]

I think that contacting neice about a date was like sending a "save the date" card. It implied there would be a family gathering. So as soon as I made the decision to not host, I would have contacted other family members to make them aware so that they could decide if they wanted to host or plan something. Especially since you and your DH had assumed the responsibility of hosting. If given notice in early December another family member might have thought "Yeah, I've been wanting to host but didn't want to step on Grammy's toes."

I overlooked the bolded -- did you send NIL any emails this year prior to deciding not to host?  In that case, definitely a follow-up saying you weren't going to would have been in order.

[Grammy]

The only e-mails we ever send are concerning the holiday party. I don't see or hear from the rest of the family all year.

[Hmmmmm]

The only e-mails we ever send are concerning the holiday party. I don't see or hear from the rest of the family all year.

I'm not sure if I read your original post correctly. Did you send an email out this year in early December to the neice? Or were you referring to previous years on how planning normally occurs?

Either way, I probably would have sent a note to someone in the family saying "DH and I won't be able to host the family Christmas gathering this year. Let us know if someone else is planning to host because we'd still love to join."

[Redneck Gravy]

The only e-mails we ever send are concerning the holiday party. I don't see or hear from the rest of the family all year.

I'm not sure if I read your original post correctly. Did you send an email out this year in early December to the neice? Or were you referring to previous years on how planning normally occurs?

Either way, I probably would have sent a note to someone in the family saying "DH and I won't be able to host the family Christmas gathering this year. Let us know if someone else is planning to host because we'd still love to join."

Pod

[Grammy]

I have e-mailed NIL in previous years. I did not do that this year.

[Lynn2000]

I think given the precedent of you and DH hosting the party each year, it would have been better to let people know in advance. Not necessarily a full-family email blast, but maybe mention it to a couple of key people who could be relied upon to spread the word. That would have given other people time to step up and volunteer for the hosting duty, for example.

Also, it depends on how set your tradition is--if you always have the party on the Saturday after Christmas, for example, people may have kept that date free by default, turning down other invitations. On the other hand, if the exact date is more up in the air, and people are only now contacting you to ask about it (and only one person at that), one might infer in this particular situation that the lack of plans didn't really have a big effect on other people's schedules.

I don't think it was rude not to tell people--I would reserve that for a case where people had asked and the non-host had strung them along, for example--but in the future it might be better to let people know.

[Luci]

We have hosted four events for so many years that people really expect us to. One couple last year was even planning which cruise to take, depending on our date! And people are usually asking what to bring before I sent the invitations out.

I don't find this rude of them, so we will at least put our not hosting on the family and friends grapevines when the time comes.

Even next year, I'm not doing the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, so am using a photo I have of a turkey holding a sign that reads, "This year, try ham!" on the invitation. I'll probably still get questions! Traditions are difficult to change.

[heartmug]

I had this situation come up at Easter where I assumed my brother would be hosting because he had done so for 10 years.  Yes, it would have been nice to have a heads-up that he was no longer doing that.

[Roe]

Since your party has become a tradition, it would've been nice of you to let them know.

[Grammy]

We've hosted for three years. How long does it take to make a tradition? I'm honestly curious.

[Hmmmmm]

I actually think 3 is the sort of magic number. After someone does something for 3 years straight I'd feel they were trying to make a tradition out of it. But of course there are exceptions. Like someone hosts because work prevents them from travel but other family can travel to them, but after a few years, work changes. Then I'd ask if they still wanted to host.