Author Topic: When the invited wants to come early *New update post #35  (Read 4975 times)

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sunnygirl

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Re: When the invited wants to come early because they need to leave early
« Reply #30 on: March 07, 2014, 10:55:25 PM »
How out something like this?

"No, don't come early. I know you can't stay long because of your trip, so I wonder if coming is too much pressure on you? I know you are trying to be polite by making an appearance but if it is too difficult for you I will understand if you decide to skip the party."

I'm thinking this may be what I have to say because I come home from a long day of party shopping to two emails from her.  I don't have time to paraphrase so I'm going to copy and paste and edit the names and cursing out:

First email:  "We can't come tommorow, it's fiance's fault, he's an ******* and I don't even want to go anywhere with him but he's saying we have to leave at 2 now and I can't really do anything about it.  I hope we can do something during the week together sometime..I hate how he makes me seem flakey and **** because he's an ******* and it's impossible to plan **** with him but he won't drop it and we've been fighting all day so I'm over it, I'll do what he wants and look like a ***** for saying we can't come at the last minute. Sorry.  I really just want to crawl in a hole and die right now, today and the whole week has been **** with him.  Sorry to be a whiney ***** too."

Second: "oh and now he feels like **** cuz I emailed you about it, he says we could go for like an hour, im just not sure it's worth it and my kids wouldn't be rdy to leave yet.  Why does he have to make the simplist things stress me out so bad.  anyway, IM me, we'll talk about it, I never did find out how early ur going to be there. sigh."


 :-\ ???  :(  I'm an so tired and have so much to do and now there's this.  I mean, I'm not heartless, I see that she's having a hard time with him but honestly why should I care?

That's textbook PA, isn't it?

People who write "sigh" in emails is nails on the chalkboard to me.

kudeebee

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Email her back with "Understand that you can't come to the party.  Have a nice time this weekend"

Roe

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Email her back with "Understand that you can't come to the party.  Have a nice time this weekend"

Yep.  Less is more. Plus, she is desperately trying to bring you into her drama 'cause you know, it's all about HER.  Don't play the game.

YummyMummy66

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After all that was said, I am surprised she is even invited to said party.   (But, I am guessing this is before everything transpired).

I can't wait to see how this one unfolds.

Yes, reply back if you have not already done so, or do not reply at all.  But, if you do, I would only comment on the party itself.  Nothing to do about her situation with finacee. 
 

bloo

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Wow. She just made things so much easier.

You've got some good replies. I think it's also fine to acknowledge (if you feel like it) that she's having a difficult week when you let her know that she shouldn't come. Or not. Up to you.

I'd like to point out that I find it interesting that in your other thread about Snarkles, she chose to look for and take offense over completely innocuous behavior by your DH and then use that to share her dislike of your DH with you. Then she shares jerky behavior about her fiancÚ with you and...what...doesn't think that somehow you're going to think badly of her fiancÚ? I wonder how she'd react if you started ragging on her fiancÚ they way she's ragged on your DH? Which, of course, you won't do - but still.

I really, really, really don't like this Snarkles person. Nice people look for the good in others. She's not a nice person.

Pumpkin Spice

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The suspense is over!  ;D

Thank you for the responses. The night before the party, I mentioned the situation to my DH who basically thought I was making a big deal out of nothing and that I should just let her come early.  I guess from being tired and stressed about the preparations I decided I would try to give her an out but if she insisted I would just say ok, 30 mins early is alright.

So, that's exactly what happened, she said she didn't what to upset her DD by not going so she'll be there 30 mins early. I know I'm an e-hell failure, I asked for advice and didn't take it.

Anyways, the morning of the party was going decent until it was time for me to go get the balloons aired up at Walmart, it took the better part of an hr so I didn't get back to the party until 15 mins before party was to start. Just an FYI to any kid bday party planners out there.  It's .50 cent per balloon at Walmart and $1 everywhere else (grocery stores, dollar stores, etc..). However, if you DO go to Walmart, get there hours early because they were so slow about it and with a bad attitude to boot.

Ok, so by the time I arrived at the party, Snarkles still wasn't there. Her cousin arrived a while later and asked if I got Snarkles' text.  I hadn't because I wasn't near my phone but I did read it later.  It said "Can't come to party, we'll talk about it later, sorry to be so flaky." Her cousin hands me her own phone for me to read the texts that were sent to her about the matter.  It said something like: "Fiance is being needy because he's not feeling good and doesn't want us to leave him to go to the party. We are probably not going out of town to the zoo now either.  Pls tell PumpkinSpice I can't come and that I sent her a text."

Party went really well without her.  I couldn't ask for a much better outcome. When we left the party I sent a response to her text saying: "It's ok. Sorry you couldn't make it. TTYL" So, there you have it folks.

Now I see she's sitting at her chat waiting for me to get on there and talk to her.  I cringe at the thought.  I see she didn't go out of town after all.
I know I didn't handle it the best that night by giving in to her but from here on out I'd like to be better.  We will see her next Saturday at another girl's party but after that there is no standing plans to be around her.

ETA:  I think that one thing I should do is only email her from now on and eliminate the chat altogether which would be a bold move.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2014, 01:13:33 PM by Pumpkin Spice »

JenJay

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Re: When the invited wants to come early *New update post #35
« Reply #36 on: March 09, 2014, 02:48:44 PM »
I don't think you failed, you did what was best for you (let her come a little bit early to avoid the "you don't want me there?" drama) and you stuck to your plans - left when you needed to, took as long as you needed to, etc. I think you did very well! It really seems like what she wants from you is to beg her to hang out. I think your meh attitude is exactly the right approach to use with her.

Harriet Jones

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ETA:  I think that one thing I should do is only email her from now on and eliminate the chat altogether which would be a bold move.

I don't know which chat program you're using, but you may be able to make it look like you're never online to her, so she doesn't try to contact you that way.

Pumpkin Spice

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Thanks Jenjay.





ETA:  I think that one thing I should do is only email her from now on and eliminate the chat altogether which would be a bold move.

I don't know which chat program you're using, but you may be able to make it look like you're never online to her, so she doesn't try to contact you that way.

Yea, it's awkward because it's through my email program so if I log onto my email it shows me as available unless I keep it set for invisible or offline.  So, by now I'm sure she knows I stay invisible a lot but it shows her as available pretty much all day long.

Today, I finally went available for a few minutes to say happy birthday towards her son and said I have his gift which he can have the next time we see him (he turned 3). Then I said something about having a busy day and being tired and finally, "What did y'all end up doing today?" I'm pretty sure they went out to eat or something because it shows her as idle right now. 

I don't want her to get the impression I'm hurt by them not coming to the party so I'm trying to keep it light.   I don't plan to be available for the rest of the day and not much at all from now on.

Anyways, there are my updates.  Hopefully this thing with her will fizzle out expediently. Thanks again for all the help.  I really do take it to heart and it's helped me in the long run.

Mary Lennox

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Re: When the invited wants to come early *New update post #35
« Reply #39 on: March 09, 2014, 08:59:15 PM »
This is going to sound harsh, but I think you're sending her some mixed messages. If you want to fade the friendship out, you need to stop asking her about her day. This is just going to lead her to thinking that you want to be friends. If I'm not interested in having a friendship with someone, the last thing I'm going to do is show an interest in what she's doing (unless I'm trapped and need to be polite).

If she asks a question, sent a short response if you want to, but don't follow up with your own questions. If you stop responding and initiating contact, eventually she'll get the message.

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: When the invited wants to come early *New update post #35
« Reply #40 on: March 09, 2014, 11:00:21 PM »
If I'm not interested in having a friendship with someone, the last thing I'm going to do is show an interest in what she's doing (unless I'm trapped and need to be polite).

Thank you.  Not harsh at all.  I agree, I just feel trapped because it would be so awkward seeing her at the other birthday party this coming up Saturday for her cousin's little girl and us still having these gifts to exchange after me not saying anything at all to her after the party incident yesterday. I was searching for the proper thing to say but didn't know what to say without pulling her into a conversation about that incident.  It's hard because I can't 100% stop speaking to her because of our circles and I'm not too great at the gradual break away. 

If she asks a question, sent a short response if you want to, but don't follow up with your own questions. If you stop responding and initiating contact, eventually she'll get the message.

I will do this.  I feel comfortable enough with this approach now after wishing her son happy birthday. I felt obligated to do so after she made it appoint to do the same towards my daughter a few days ago.  I definitely don't want to send her mixed messages, that's cruel.

littlelauraj

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Re: When the invited wants to come early *New update post #35
« Reply #41 on: March 10, 2014, 09:40:38 PM »
It might help to get your husband on board, supporting you.  If you say it's going to be too stressful, then it will be and he should take your word for it.  You are going to feel unsure enough about not being "nice" to add that kind of second-guessing into the mix.

In your other thread, I mentioned my own experience with fading out a toxic friendship.  When I finally expressed to my husband how conflicted I was over having negative feelings toward someone who "wasn't *that bad, really", he leaned in and said, "Yes, she is.  She's a total *itch.  Don't feel bad about it."  I can't say he's always *that* supportive, but really, your husband should have your back.