Author Topic: Was there a better approach?  (Read 7343 times)

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Nikko-chan

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #15 on: December 24, 2013, 12:41:34 AM »
So H was under legal drinking age when this occured? Yeah you were fine. Though what I would have said would be this: "So you want to give a minor alcohol? What in the ehell is wrong with you?"

Winterlight

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #16 on: December 24, 2013, 09:12:10 AM »
So OG was harrassing a minor in your home to do something illegal? Yeah, threatening to pitch them was a good idea. I'd also be unwilling to have them back.
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GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #17 on: December 24, 2013, 10:52:31 AM »
Nope, I would've have told OG I'd kick her out too. I drink. But I have friends and family members who don't for varying reasons (some are recovering alcoholics, some for moral reasons, some just don't like alcohol). I don't put up with pressuring people in my house to drink. I have actually told people "You will stop pressuring them now, or you will leave. What they drink or don't drink is none of your business", I do it quietly and don't call attention to the matter, but I'm firm.

I had friends who thought it was "funny" when we were in our early 20s. Getting tossed out of the parties cured them of that thought quickly. I don't like it when I see at other people's houses/parties either and will say something then as well. I won't threaten to throw them out (it's not my place) but I will say "Let's behave like adults and stop with the peer pressure, it's obnoxious, not funny", and then walk away, often steering the non-drinker with me. If it's the host, I leave. And usually cease wanting to be friends with that person.

blarg314

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2013, 10:59:54 PM »

I think I would have gone with the OP's approach, and I don't think it was too harsh.

I have very little patience with people who try to bully others into doing something that they don't want to do, when it's totally optional and has no impact on the bully - H was politely trying to deflect the pressure and was not lecturing people about their drinking, OG totally stepped over her bounds. I don't think I'd be inviting OG back.

I don't mind people drinking at my parties. I really mind it when people behave badly,  don't know their own limits, or don't respect other people's limits.  If you drink to the point of vomiting or acting badly, try to drive home drunk,  try to force other people to drink, or engage in stealth pouring (refilling the drinks of the pretty girls, say, when the drinker isn't watching, to try to get them to drink more), I will call you out on it at the time, call a cab for you and send you home if needed, and not invite you back.
 

MariaE

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #19 on: December 28, 2013, 03:55:45 AM »
Even if H hadn't been a minor, I think OP handled it just fine. Nobody should be pressured to drink, and I wouldn't want just a boor in my house either.
 
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Marbles

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #20 on: January 03, 2014, 04:36:13 AM »
Even if H hadn't been a minor, I think OP handled it just fine. Nobody should be pressured to drink, and I wouldn't want just a boor in my house either.
My thoughts exactly.

Teenyweeny

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #21 on: January 03, 2014, 05:05:52 AM »
So OG was harassing a minor in your home to do something illegal? Yeah, threatening to pitch them was a good idea. I'd also be unwilling to have them back.

Depending on where you are, it's not necessarily illegal to allow a minor to drink in your home. In the UK, you can only buy alcohol from age 18, but it can be legally consumed in a private residence from the age of 5. You can also consume beer, wine or cider in a pub or restaurant from age 16 if an adult buys the drink and you are also having a meal.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2014, 05:07:25 AM by Teenyweeny »



Margo

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #22 on: January 03, 2014, 09:00:37 AM »
Even if H hadn't been a minor, I think OP handled it just fine. Nobody should be pressured to drink, and I wouldn't want just a boor in my house either.
My thoughts exactly.

I agree.

To me, the fact that H was under age is almost irrelevant. OG was pressuring H to do something H had made it clear she didn't want to do. That's not acceptable whether the 'something' was drinking alcohol, or anything else. It's bullying, and a response which makes it absolutely clear how inappropriate that behaviour is totally appropriate.

OG was wrong and rude to bully H, and wrong and rude to ignore you when you told him/her to back off. 

Arila

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #23 on: January 06, 2014, 05:01:19 PM »
I think the OP handled things beautifully, first responding in-kind, but showing that nice, shiny spine to stick with it.

I think the fact that H was a minor is important, because it also is a reason that H shouldn't necessarily have been left to fend for herself in the situation. A good teaching moment for H on how to respond to pressure another time.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #24 on: January 06, 2014, 09:21:26 PM »
Rather than threaten to kick OG out (at that point), I would have gone with a firm "OG, you do realise that H is underage, right? I'm asking to stop hassling her now, please."

If OG still persisted in trying to get H to drink, then I'd threaten to kick her out.

That said, I do appreciate that you were put on the spot, and it was a pretty awkward situation.

jaxsue

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #25 on: January 18, 2014, 12:38:15 PM »
IMHO you were not being a boor, OP. I seldom drink, but I used to have cocktails at certain events like weddings (never getting drunk). Now I am diabetic, and alcohol is on the "must not" list - dr's orders. If someome gave me a hard time about that I'd be livid.

Firecat

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #26 on: January 18, 2014, 03:06:01 PM »
I think you handled this really well.  I'm a drinker (perhaps too much of one) but I have no tolerance for people who pressure others to drink if they don't want to.  You were firm in protecting the comfort of your guest, and I don't think you escalated the situation.  With most people, a light "stop with the peer pressure" would have worked.  OG was completely in the wrong here, and I would have asked her to leave, too.

POD. I'm more of an occasional, light drinker, but I really dislike both people who pressure others to drink and people who are judgmental of those who do choose to imbibe. Based on your update, OG was way, WAY out of line, and you did the right thing.

TootsNYC

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #27 on: January 18, 2014, 05:26:28 PM »
I'm going to base my opinion on your own reactions.

1) I think that you went for the big guns because of the signals you were reading in the situation at hand. And I'm not going to second-guess you by saying the big guns weren't needed. You believed they were, and you were there.
   I confess that I'd have been impatient to end the whole exchange, that I wouldn't have been patient with a few more sentences back and forth. Like you, I'd have wanted an "off switch," the big guns, so to speak.

2) I think that you are posting here because *you* aren't comfortable with the "artillery" you used. I think *you* believe you were too harsh too soon, and it was probably a little uncomfortable after your volley.
    So, I think that you don't need to spend any time worrying about whether you were rude, but instead use this as an opportunity to explore some of the other tactics you could use in any similar situation, when one of your guests is making someone else(s) uncomfortable.

To that end:
  -you could say, "Rude Guest, come help me in the kitchen," and there say, "I need you to knock this off. It's making everyone uncomfortable."
  -you could say, "please stop with this--it's making everyone uncomfortable."
  -you could say, "If her drinking makes you so uncomfortable, feel free to leave; I won't keep you."

CreteGirl

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #28 on: January 24, 2014, 07:01:16 PM »
I'll admit my response changed when I learned that H was under age. 

If H was an adult, and used to dealing with this type of situation, she may have been embarrassed to have the spotlight put on her like that. 

But in your home you have every right not to want an under aged person to be served alcohol, regardless of the laws in your area. 

You were fine.  OG was overbearing and obnoxious.

TootsNYC

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Re: Was there a better approach?
« Reply #29 on: January 24, 2014, 08:03:58 PM »
I think the "legally drink alcohol" question aside--if H is a minor, that means she's younger, which can often mean less confident (even confident people are usually less confident when they're younger; almost all of us gain confidence as we age).

So applying peer pressure from an older person to a younger person is particuarly heinous, in my opinion. Even if it's only a couple of years.