Author Topic: Would you say Margo was rude? #79, #139 non-update update  (Read 26190 times)

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jedikaiti

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #30 on: December 21, 2013, 11:43:12 PM »
Quote
Edited to add : I do not know if Claudia had done this to Margo before. But at one mutual friend's home where I had arrived first, the boys had greeted the hostess so sweetly and politely when the door was opened. They were all dressed up and looked angelic. The hostess privately told me later on that she would have turned Claudia away if she had arrived alone, but she just couldn't do it when two cute boys were smiling so sweetly and expectedly at her. Maybe the same thing happened when Margo opened the door.


OP, I'm so curious--why would the woman have turned Claudia away--had she not RSVP'd, or was she not invited?

Either way, she was not expected. After this, I bet she won't be invited (again)!
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RooRoo

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #31 on: December 21, 2013, 11:45:31 PM »
I was on the fence, until I thought about it a little. We know Claudia has arrived unexpectedly at other events (possibly because she didn't RSVP, or because she was not invited at all), and brought her boys who were definitely not invited.

Her saying "I hope it isn't too much trouble, James and John are always so well behaved!" is designed to make Margo look like the bad guy if she turns them away: "How can you be so mean to these nicely-behaved children?"

If Margo reacts by treating Claudia as if she and her children were welcome guests, then Claudia's rude behavior is rewarded and reinforced. Instead, Margo politely hit Claudia with the Clue-by-Four.

If I am allowed to look down my nose at a stranger who asks me a very personal question, and say (coldly) "How kind of you to take an interest," then Margo was well within the bounds of etiquette.
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

kitchcat

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #32 on: December 22, 2013, 01:00:01 AM »
When I got to the part where Margo re-portioned the dinners, I had to stop and read the post to my DH because Margo is my new hero. My bet is that Claudia will RSVP next time or worst-case, no longer be Margo's problem.
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gellchom

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #33 on: December 22, 2013, 01:30:10 AM »
I am sure Margo was plenty annoyed, and I don't blame her.  Claudia was way, way out of line all the way through.

But I still think that Margo was PA and, although she only did it when Claudia started up again, she was not very nice.  Once you are hosting someone, you have a duty to be gracious and make them feel welcome, not keep reminding them of their lapse and shaming them.

I think she should have have reapportioned the salmon, and if there absolutely wasn't enough (which I find pretty hard to believe -- did she make exactly 3 ounces per person or something?), then Margo, as the host, should have been the one to eat something else -- the same as she'd do if some of it dropped on the floor or something.  Alternatively, she could have spoken with Claudia privately before dinner, explained the situation, and discussed the alternatives: Claudia and the boys leave, or the boys eat something else instead, or she orders them a pizza that they eat in front of a movie in another room, or whatever would work.

I repeat, I would have been totally steamed in Margo's position, and I'd have trouble living up to my own advice.  But I've seen hosts behave both ways, and I know who I admire and who I thought was being childish.  Retaliatory rudeness is not okay.  Shaming your guests --no matter how they got there! -- is not okay.  Once Margo agreed to let them stay, she needed to treat them the same as her other guests.  (Although I'm sure it wasn't easy given Claudia's behavior!)

I also think Margo threw cold water on her own party.  The OP is probably not the only other guest who spent a good part of the evening and afterward thinking about whether Margo was rude or unkind.  If I had been one of the other guests, especially if Claudia were also my friend, I would have been very uncomfortable and embarrassed. 

citadelle

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #34 on: December 22, 2013, 01:47:28 AM »
I am sure Margo was plenty annoyed, and I don't blame her.  Claudia was way, way out of line all the way through.

But I still think that Margo was PA and, although she only did it when Claudia started up again, she was not very nice.  Once you are hosting someone, you have a duty to be gracious and make them feel welcome, not keep reminding them of their lapse and shaming them.

I think she should have have reapportioned the salmon, and if there absolutely wasn't enough (which I find pretty hard to believe -- did she make exactly 3 ounces per person or something?), then Margo, as the host, should have been the one to eat something else -- the same as she'd do if some of it dropped on the floor or something.  Alternatively, she could have spoken with Claudia privately before dinner, explained the situation, and discussed the alternatives: Claudia and the boys leave, or the boys eat something else instead, or she orders them a pizza that they eat in front of a movie in another room, or whatever would work.

I repeat, I would have been totally steamed in Margo's position, and I'd have trouble living up to my own advice.  But I've seen hosts behave both ways, and I know who I admire and who I thought was being childish.  Retaliatory rudeness is not okay.  Shaming your guests --no matter how they got there! -- is not okay.  Once Margo agreed to let them stay, she needed to treat them the same as her other guests.  (Although I'm sure it wasn't easy given Claudia's behavior!)

I also think Margo threw cold water on her own party.  The OP is probably not the only other guest who spent a good part of the evening and afterward thinking about whether Margo was rude or unkind.  If I had been one of the other guests, especially if Claudia were also my friend, I would have been very uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Well-stated. POD.

Mel the Redcap

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #35 on: December 22, 2013, 01:52:03 AM »
I am sure Margo was plenty annoyed, and I don't blame her.  Claudia was way, way out of line all the way through.

But I still think that Margo was PA and, although she only did it when Claudia started up again, she was not very nice.  Once you are hosting someone, you have a duty to be gracious and make them feel welcome, not keep reminding them of their lapse and shaming them.

Mmm... I have to disagree. Etiquette does not require us to be doormats, and in fact often requires us to NOT be doormats in order to prevent future breaches of etiquette. Margo wasn't continuing to bring up Claudia's first lapse (i.e. the fact that she arrived with two uninvited children when Margo hadn't even been expecting her); I would have agreed that she was being PA and showing retaliatory rudeness if that had been Claudia's only offence and Margo had kept referring to it (i.e. "Oh, I'm sorry there isn't enough to go around, but I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU" and other such comments all evening). Claudia kept re-offending - fishing for retroactive approval for bringing her sons, objecting to the food served to them, trying to say that it was somehow wrong for Nemesis to get some of the limited servings of 'good' food - and each time she got politely but comprehensively shut down. I applaud Margo for doing it all while keeping her cool.

And yes, I would have been rather embarrassed and uncomfortable if I'd been there... but not because of what Margo was doing and saying. I would have been flabbergasted by Claudia's hide!
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Nemesis

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #36 on: December 22, 2013, 02:31:22 AM »
OP here!

Quote
Edited to add : I do not know if Claudia had done this to Margo before. But at one mutual friend's home where I had arrived first, the boys had greeted the hostess so sweetly and politely when the door was opened. They were all dressed up and looked angelic. The hostess privately told me later on that she would have turned Claudia away if she had arrived alone, but she just couldn't do it when two cute boys were smiling so sweetly and expectedly at her. Maybe the same thing happened when Margo opened the door.


OP, I'm so curious--why would the woman have turned Claudia away--had she not RSVP'd, or was she not invited?

Either way, she was not expected. After this, I bet she won't be invited (again)!

She was not invited. But the hostess had welcomed them in immediately that I never knew they were an unexpected addition to the party until I noticed her frantically whipping up extra pasta in the kitchen.

citadelle

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #37 on: December 22, 2013, 02:50:45 AM »
OP here!

Quote
Edited to add : I do not know if Claudia had done this to Margo before. But at one mutual friend's home where I had arrived first, the boys had greeted the hostess so sweetly and politely when the door was opened. They were all dressed up and looked angelic. The hostess privately told me later on that she would have turned Claudia away if she had arrived alone, but she just couldn't do it when two cute boys were smiling so sweetly and expectedly at her. Maybe the same thing happened when Margo opened the door.


OP, I'm so curious--why would the woman have turned Claudia away--had she not RSVP'd, or was she not invited?

Either way, she was not expected. After this, I bet she won't be invited (again)!

She was not invited. But the hostess had welcomed them in immediately that I never knew they were an unexpected addition to the party until I noticed her frantically whipping up extra pasta in the kitchen.

I am confused. If Claudia was not invited, how did she know there was a dinner party?

Nemesis

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #38 on: December 22, 2013, 03:02:51 AM »
OP here!

Quote
Edited to add : I do not know if Claudia had done this to Margo before. But at one mutual friend's home where I had arrived first, the boys had greeted the hostess so sweetly and politely when the door was opened. They were all dressed up and looked angelic. The hostess privately told me later on that she would have turned Claudia away if she had arrived alone, but she just couldn't do it when two cute boys were smiling so sweetly and expectedly at her. Maybe the same thing happened when Margo opened the door.


OP, I'm so curious--why would the woman have turned Claudia away--had she not RSVP'd, or was she not invited?

Either way, she was not expected. After this, I bet she won't be invited (again)!

She was not invited. But the hostess had welcomed them in immediately that I never knew they were an unexpected addition to the party until I noticed her frantically whipping up extra pasta in the kitchen.

I am confused. If Claudia was not invited, how did she know there was a dinner party?

That was a different party, sorry for the confusion. The other one was a year or so ago. I am not sure how she knew to turn up, but then many of our mutual friends were invited so I am guessing that Claudia must heard about it and thought she was invited too. As for Margo's party, I am not sure if she wasn't invited or simply didn't RSVP.

zyrs

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #39 on: December 22, 2013, 03:19:39 AM »
I would have been uncomfortable at the dinner party, but it wouldn't have been because of the things Margo said or did.  I would have considered it Claudia's fault that I was uncomfortable and I would have a poorer opinion of Claudia because of her behavior.

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #40 on: December 22, 2013, 03:40:30 AM »
While I do agree with those who think Margo was being rather PA, secretly I admire her.  There are a few details that would probably make me shift off the fence one way or the other, but the OP has already told us she doesn't know (such as whether Claudia was invited and declined, invited and didn't RSVP, or just plain wasn't invited at all, for instance.)

I also agree, though, with the poster who pointed out that Claudia instigated every incident in one way or another; I think it was JenJay.
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citadelle

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #41 on: December 22, 2013, 03:47:57 AM »
If Claudia goes around with her children to friends' homes, looking for dinner parties to crash, there may be bigger problems than not enough salmon!

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #42 on: December 22, 2013, 04:07:09 AM »
How can you shame someone who has no shame?

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #43 on: December 22, 2013, 04:30:07 AM »
I think they were both rude- Claudia for bringing her children, and Margo for trying to shame a guest in her home. She could have turned Claudia away. After inviting her in, taking PA digs at her was wrong even in response to Claudia's remarks. 
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m2kbug

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Re: Would you say Margo was rude?
« Reply #44 on: December 22, 2013, 04:42:39 AM »
OP here!

Quote
Edited to add : I do not know if Claudia had done this to Margo before. But at one mutual friend's home where I had arrived first, the boys had greeted the hostess so sweetly and politely when the door was opened. They were all dressed up and looked angelic. The hostess privately told me later on that she would have turned Claudia away if she had arrived alone, but she just couldn't do it when two cute boys were smiling so sweetly and expectedly at her. Maybe the same thing happened when Margo opened the door.


OP, I'm so curious--why would the woman have turned Claudia away--had she not RSVP'd, or was she not invited?

Either way, she was not expected. After this, I bet she won't be invited (again)!

She was not invited. But the hostess had welcomed them in immediately that I never knew they were an unexpected addition to the party until I noticed her frantically whipping up extra pasta in the kitchen.

So she welcomed them and then proceeded to publicly berate them?