Author Topic: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG  (Read 11445 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

aussie_chick

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 377
BG

Rachel is one of my best friends. Rachel has another group of friends (Angela, Joanne, Kim) and they have been good friends for the last 10-12 years or so. Angela, Joanne and Kim were an established group before Rachel came along but from what I can gather, welcomed Rachel in and everyone was treated like one of the gang with birthday and Christmas presents exchanged and plans always including everyone except for the odd spur of the moment thing.

This year Rachel got very sick. Lots of tests, 3 months off work, lost her vision temporarily and lost her balance. It was a really scary and depressing time for her because no one could tell her what was wrong.

The group of girls purchased tickets to 2 very big music concerts during the year before Rachel got sick.

Rachel pulled out of one (still paid for her ticket, which included bus trip so no one was inconvenienced by her doing so) and also offered the ticket to Angela, Joanne and Kim to see if they could give it to someone else, which they did. Everyone expressed disappointment she wasn't coming but no mention of her illness or getting better soon etc.

Rachel has told me that during her illness, she rarely heard from Joanne, Angela or Kim. No texts or calls. No "how are you" etc. Except if she saw them down the street and they asked how things were.

End BG

Two events have occurred since then that Rachel is really upset at.

First: The group decided to go to the city for a movie at gold class. Rachel declined at first because she couldn't offer to drive and has to walk slowly and was worried the stairs would be an issue for her. The group all rallied around her and told her she HAD to come. They hadn't caught up for ages (i've seen the text messages back and forth). So Rachel goes. The girls decide to eat dinner at a restaurant they heard about. A considerable walking distance. rachel was slow and tells me the girls kept calling back to her to hurry up, to move faster etc. At one point they all ran across the road, leaving Rachel on one side on her own because she couldn't move fast enough to beat the traffic.
At the movies, the three girls walked up to the top of gold class. Rachel couldn't so sat down the bottom in a disabled seat.

Rachel tells me she spoke to Joanne about this afterwards when Joanne said to her that it was a pain to have to wait for her everywhere. Rachel apologised if she didn't make clear the effects of her illness and said her vision and balance were still bad. Joanne seemed to accept this.

Three weeks after that, second big concert comes around. Rachel had again tried to pull out but was told no.
There were 3 other girls on this trip as well as Rachel, Joanne, Kim and Angela.
Everyone suggested going shopping in the 2 hours before the concert opened. Joanne approached Rachel and said "they're going shopping, i'm staying with you. We'll go straight to the concert." Rachel thought this was really nice and thanked Joanne.
They get to the concert, Rachel suggests getting drinks. Joanne says no, let's find our seats first. Rachel says "I won't be able to get back up again and then down again."Joanne says no problem. They find their seats (walking down a stack of stairs, Rachel holding on for dear life).
Joanne then says "let's go back up and get drinks and stuff." Rachel again says she can't because the stairs were hard the first time around. Joanne goes anyway and comes back an hour and a half later with the rest of the group. No drinks for Rachel and just hands her back her money and says "sorry I couldn't carry anymore".

When the concert is over, Rachel tells me they all rushed for the doors, leaving Rachel on her own again climbing the stairs grasping the rails and being pushed and shoved by everyone around her.

Rachel gets out of the concert and can't find the girls. Joanne sends her a text saying they're going to get a drink at a pub a few blocks away and for Rachel to "meet us there when you can".

Rachel is tired and sad by this time and says "i might give it a miss. I'll go to the station and catch the train home". No reply from Joanne.

No contact from any of them since other than Joanne sending Rachel a text to ask what she wants for Christmas and to give Rachel suggestions about what Rachel can get her and the others.

Sorry for that long long post but here are the etiquette questions:
- Should Rachel have pulled out of the movies and second concert regardless of what her friends said about coming anyway knowing she had mobility issues?
- Was Rachel a SS for expecting her friends to slow down or to stay with her?
- Are the friends rude or clueless or neither?
- Is the friendship waning? (Sorry post was so long, I didn't include that there have been quite a few events, activities that rachel hasn't been included on this year, before and after these events)

Rachel thinks the girls are breaking away from the friendship and is ok with that, but really just wants to know if she should have done anything differently in these situations. I asked her if I could post here and get some perspective and she agreed.



Zizi-K

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 739
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2013, 09:47:00 PM »
These girls have been terrible friends in every way possible, and Rachel wants to know if she's done something wrong??

The only thing that Rachel should do is grow a big shiny spine (and along with it some self-esteem/regard), and tell these girls to take a long walk off a short pier.

YummyMummy66

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 811
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2013, 09:47:25 PM »
I am so sorry for Rachel, but these are not her friends.  She needs to drop the relationship(s), not them.

They know she has an illness, and not once, but twice, they tell her she cannot say no and must go to two events that she cannot handle, nor do they wait for her or get her a drink?

I think they are self absorbed special snowflakes.

My hugs to Rachel.

Nemesis

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 753
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2013, 09:48:33 PM »
Rachel needs to come to terms with the fact that there is a difference between friendship and a social group. And letting go of them will free her from the pain of feeling rejected.

I am so sorry for Rachel  :(

bloo

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1299
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2013, 09:51:52 PM »
-yes

-no...she warned them ahead of time

-rude and possibly clueless ( rude even if clueless)

-Theyre not very friendly friends. With the gift grab suggestions im not inclined to think the friendship is drifting, but that theyre a bunch of snowflakes. In the 10-12 years they were friends, Rachel didnt see this jerkiness? Its only been recent?

I hate to think it would take one of them dealing with an illness in order for them to show empathy and compassion.

Deetee

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5643
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2013, 09:55:54 PM »
If be very interested in hearing the other side of the story. This sounds so outrageously cruel that I have some difficulty believing that the other girls would see it the same way.

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13956
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2013, 10:13:26 PM »
With friends like those, who needs enemies?

If I were Rachel's friend, I might have asked if she thought maybe we should rent a wheelchair for the day that she could use whenever we were on the flat.  Or I'd have planned an outing that didn't involve so much walking.  Dropping her off at the door while I parked, for example.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

shhh its me

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7011
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2013, 10:26:06 PM »
Rachel needs to come to terms with the fact that there is a difference between friendship and a social group. And letting go of them will free her from the pain of feeling rejected.

I am so sorry for Rachel  :(

This

Raintree

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6032
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2013, 11:43:34 PM »
I'm really quite shocked at their behaviour. When you take a person with a disability (temporary or not) to an event, you have to give up a few things you might otherwise have done (dashing across a street for example, or visiting a place with a lot of stairs). But you do it because you care about the person and want them to have a good time.

To the what do you want for Christmas question, I'd be inclined to reply, "Friends that care enough to accommodate my disability." What she should get for them: nothing.

Nikko-chan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2755
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2013, 11:47:15 PM »
Next time they want her to go out, Rachel needs to give them a very firm no. When they badger her she needs to say something along the lines of:  "You badger me to go out and spend time with you, but complain about my mobility and vision issues. You do things like run ahead of me across the street and not waiting for me. I will not be able to go on outings with you any longer."


Also: this is a bizarre way to break away from a friendship!
 

metallicafan

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 350
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #10 on: December 22, 2013, 12:25:25 AM »
With friends like those, who needs enemies?

If I were Rachel's friend, I might have asked if she thought maybe we should rent a wheelchair for the day that she could use whenever we were on the flat.  Or I'd have planned an outing that didn't involve so much walking.  Dropping her off at the door while I parked, for example.


Those girls are unbelievably rude and thoughtless.  Rachel deserves better friends who can show her kindness and empathy.

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6218
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #11 on: December 22, 2013, 12:35:12 AM »
Next time they want her to go out, Rachel needs to give them a very firm no. When they badger her she needs to say something along the lines of:  "You badger me to go out and spend time with you, but complain about my mobility and vision issues. You do things like run ahead of me across the street and not waiting for me. I will not be able to go on outings with you any longer."


Also: this is a bizarre way to break away from a friendship!

Absolutely!! They left her to get home via public transport alone while they went to a bar? What-the heck-ever. I'd be furious and DONE!

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6102
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2013, 01:54:24 AM »
If be very interested in hearing the other side of the story. This sounds so outrageously cruel that I have some difficulty believing that the other girls would see it the same way.
Here is where I fall too. I don't see where Rachel comes across as fun to be around, and I can see this story having at least two sides to it.

Raintree

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6032
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2013, 02:06:18 AM »
If be very interested in hearing the other side of the story. This sounds so outrageously cruel that I have some difficulty believing that the other girls would see it the same way.
Here is where I fall too. I don't see where Rachel comes across as fun to be around, and I can see this story having at least two sides to it.

But these friends have gone out of their way to call her and say, "You HAVE to come!!" so surely Rachel is not a horrible person to be around. I do find their treatment of her pretty unbelievable myself though; can they be for real? Like, who tells a person with mobility problems "It's a pain to have to wait for you"? Do they GET how sick she's been, or do they think she is making it up?

cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17743
Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #14 on: December 22, 2013, 02:51:28 AM »
wow. i am very shocked that they treated her that way. I wouldn't treat a casual acquaintance like that, let alone a friend.

I don't know if they were trying to send her a message (and if so, they did it in  a very cruel way) or if they are *that* self absorbed, or if she didn't explain the full extent of her disability (which would explain the first incident but not the latter ones), but in any case - she doesn't need these people in her life.

Cynical Cicero thinks that they 'got together' with her for the sole purpose of getting christmas gifts our of her.

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools