Author Topic: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG  (Read 10128 times)

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zyrs

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #15 on: December 22, 2013, 03:42:16 AM »
If I were Rachel I would stop going out with these people.

But I am totally not surprised at how self-absorbed the people she was with were.  A few years ago I suddenly developed vision and mobility issues that still plague me and I've gotten to experience it first-hand.

I've been the person stuck on one side of the street while the group crossed the street and is already halfway down the next block.  I deal with the problems at venues, especially anything on a slant, it's hard to navigate.  With the last surgery I might soon see well enough to drive , but I haven't been able to for a few years now.

Right now, it's not as much fun to be me as it used to, so I'm sure it's a pain for everyone who hangs out with me to have to deal with as well.


aussie_chick

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #16 on: December 22, 2013, 04:05:34 AM »
Op here

Thanks to everyone for providing input.

I wish I knew the other side of the story so I could present both sides however I only know this from Rachel's perspective and reading a few text messages she has shown me.

All I know is that during her illness, I didn't find her to be difficult. I knew the deal. When we went out for dinner, I walked a bit slower. When we were going somewhere that needed the car parked, I would drive around the block a few times so we could get a park that was close enough for it not to be a hassle. When we went on our annual shopping trip (a week or so before the concert) we went slower. It wasn't ridiculously slow, more like a leisurely stroll than snail's pace - and i'm usually a speed shopper. I can go like that for hours!  I'm not a saint, I only did what I thought was reasonable in the circumstances.

My experience of Rachel is an incredibly gracious host and guest. The kind who never turns up empty handed even just for a girls weekend at my house where we spend the whole weekend in daggy sweat pants, eating take out Thai food and watching Sex and the City marathons. When at her place, nothing is left undone and you always leave feeling full and satisfied.

My experience as a friend is that in any one of my numerous depressing break ups, she's the first one to drive over (over an hour away), bring ice cream, provide logic and reason and be supportive for the next one.

The only thing I did wonder, because Rachel isn't really a 'poor me' kind of girl, is whether or not her friends REALLY knew how serious her illness was. If she didn't give them all the info. I could almost get this if it hadn't happened twice in a short period of time.


weeblewobble

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #17 on: December 22, 2013, 07:24:03 AM »
Next time they want her to go out, Rachel needs to give them a very firm no. When they badger her she needs to say something along the lines of:  "You badger me to go out and spend time with you, but complain about my mobility and vision issues. You do things like run ahead of me across the street and not waiting for me. I will not be able to go on outings with you any longer."


Also: this is a bizarre way to break away from a friendship!


Absolutely!! They left her to get home via public transport alone while they went to a bar? What-the heck-ever. I'd be furious and DONE!

These girls are horribly rude and inconsiderate. Methinks they're trying to assuage their guilt over abandoning a friend when she became "inconvenient" for them. They can tell themselves, "Well, it's not like we stopped hanging out with her because she's sick!  We invited her places, but she just didn't want to go because she wasn't having fun!  Not our fault!"

Mel the Redcap

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #18 on: December 22, 2013, 07:28:27 AM »
If be very interested in hearing the other side of the story. This sounds so outrageously cruel that I have some difficulty believing that the other girls would see it the same way.
Here is where I fall too. I don't see where Rachel comes across as fun to be around, and I can see this story having at least two sides to it.

If you are friends with someone who has or develops mobility issues or some other disability/problem that affects whether or not they can do the same 'fun' things you like doing, you either stop expecting them to come or you modify your fun activities so that they can participate. If you insist they come to something that will strain their limits, you cater to that - sit them down somewhere comfortable, bring things to them, stay by them and enjoy talking to them and sharing the concert or whatever instead of buzzing off with your more mobile friends and ignoring them. Rachel couldn't be 'fun to be around' because she couldn't keep up and they kept leaving her behind!

I'm actually really mad on her behalf. These 'friends' of hers are not acting as friends to her at ALL. Maybe bluntly refusing to go to the next outing and telling them exactly why will give them a wake-up call, or perhaps they'll whine about how she could 'try harder' and is a 'party pooper', in which case she'll know exactly how much to care about their opinions: ZERO. >:(
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TurtleDove

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #19 on: December 22, 2013, 08:31:23 AM »
And that is why I would like to hear the other side(s) to the story because it seems so over the top. I also don't really see how Rachel couldn't move at the movie but was able to get herself home on public transportation. I would love to hear from the others involved to get a better picture because the one version we have - Rachel's - seems outrageous and inconsistent to me.

shhh its me

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2013, 08:56:29 AM »
And that is why I would like to hear the other side(s) to the story because it seems so over the top. I also don't really see how Rachel couldn't move at the movie but was able to get herself home on public transportation. I would love to hear from the others involved to get a better picture because the one version we have - Rachel's - seems outrageous and inconsistent to me.

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CakeBeret

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #21 on: December 22, 2013, 09:21:55 AM »
The "friends" sound like self-absorbed nitwits.

Rachel should sever ties, block their numbers from her phone, and consider herself well shot of them.
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perpetua

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #22 on: December 22, 2013, 09:22:25 AM »
And that is why I would like to hear the other side(s) to the story because it seems so over the top. I also don't really see how Rachel couldn't move at the movie but was able to get herself home on public transportation. I would love to hear from the others involved to get a better picture because the one version we have - Rachel's - seems outrageous and inconsistent to me.

Stairs

Yes, probably the stairs. Just because Rachel can manage to get a train home doesn't mean she can manage everything else, such is the nature of a lot of disabilities. She also may have been trying to conserve her energy/to not aggravate her condition so that she *was* capable of getting home when she needed to. Getting the train home is also a necessary activity; climbing the stairs for drinks isn't. It's pacing: sometimes you have to make a choice to not do the unnecessary to be able to do the necessary later. Check out 'the spoon theory', which may help to explain this kind of thing.

I also think that implying she isn't 'fun to be around' because of the limitations her disability places upon her sounds rather harsh.

oopsie

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #23 on: December 22, 2013, 09:33:36 AM »
The only thing I did wonder, because Rachel isn't really a 'poor me' kind of girl, is whether or not her friends REALLY knew how serious her illness was. If she didn't give them all the info. I could almost get this if it hadn't happened twice in a short period of time.

Does it even matter if they knew at all? Illness or no, they essentially ditched her. Several times. True friends just don't do that to each other.

TurtleDove

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #24 on: December 22, 2013, 09:37:36 AM »
I think it would help to have the other sides to the story, or else so much is conjecture. To me, it seems Rachel was not clear with her friends or honest with herself about the limitations of her disability.  Rather than label the friends jerks (which they may be, but I don't have enough information), it could be that they didn't realize Rachel was unhappy, or that she truly could not move up the stairs at the movie, for example.  I didn't hear in the story that Rachel actually said anything at the time.  For me, if someone does not tell me they are upset, I assume that they are not.  For me, if someone does not want to go to grab a drink, they go home.  It's not me being a bad friend, it is the other person making a decision for themselves.  Why would I not do what I want (grab a drink) just because my friend wants to do something else?  What did Rachel want the friends to do - all go home because she wanted to?  All come to the train station with her?  Accompany her home?  I am honestly asking, because in my group of friends if someone wants to do something, they cheerfully do it and don't ask other people to accompany them.  It would never occur to me to ask a friend to chaperone me!

Ezeesee

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #25 on: December 22, 2013, 09:38:08 AM »
The only thing I did wonder, because Rachel isn't really a 'poor me' kind of girl, is whether or not her friends REALLY knew how serious her illness was. If she didn't give them all the info. I could almost get this if it hadn't happened twice in a short period of time.

The only way I could see this happening without the group being completely despicable people (which I assume Rachel would have picked up on in 10 years of friendship), is that they literally don't realise how bad her illness was. If they think she's been pulling back from activities for other reasons or has just been reluctant to spend time with them, rather than physically unable to do some things.

TurtleDove

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #26 on: December 22, 2013, 09:40:13 AM »
The only thing I did wonder, because Rachel isn't really a 'poor me' kind of girl, is whether or not her friends REALLY knew how serious her illness was. If she didn't give them all the info. I could almost get this if it hadn't happened twice in a short period of time.

The only way I could see this happening without the group being completely despicable people (which I assume Rachel would have picked up on in 10 years of friendship), is that they literally don't realise how bad her illness was. If they think she's been pulling back from activities for other reasons or has just been reluctant to spend time with them, rather than physically unable to do some things.

Yes, this is where I am coming from as well, especially the bolded. If the friends are truly awful people, why would Rachel be friends with them for so long?  How did they hide their atrociousness for so long?

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #27 on: December 22, 2013, 09:41:52 AM »
Regardless of how much they know about Rachel's illness, they made plans to spend the evening together.

You don't run off and leave someone behind!  That's just not cool.  It would have been different if they'd left the venue together, or at least met in the lobby, and then the other girls decided they wanted to walk several blocks to a bar and at that point, Rachel decided she wasn't up for it.  But to abandon her in the venue with a 'Catch up with us when you can' text?  I'd be furious and I'd never go out with these particular 'friends' again.
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oopsie

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #28 on: December 22, 2013, 09:46:52 AM »
The only thing I did wonder, because Rachel isn't really a 'poor me' kind of girl, is whether or not her friends REALLY knew how serious her illness was. If she didn't give them all the info. I could almost get this if it hadn't happened twice in a short period of time.

The only way I could see this happening without the group being completely despicable people (which I assume Rachel would have picked up on in 10 years of friendship), is that they literally don't realise how bad her illness was. If they think she's been pulling back from activities for other reasons or has just been reluctant to spend time with them, rather than physically unable to do some things.

Yes, this is where I am coming from as well, especially the bolded. If the friends are truly awful people, why would Rachel be friends with them for so long?  How did they hide their atrociousness for so long?

To me, they sound like fair-weather friends. If Rachel hasn't been sick like this before, they may not have had a "reason" to behave like this.

oopsie

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Re: Clueless? Frenemies? Or trying to tell you the friendship is over? LONG
« Reply #29 on: December 22, 2013, 09:47:28 AM »
Regardless of how much they know about Rachel's illness, they made plans to spend the evening together.

You don't run off and leave someone behind!  That's just not cool.  It would have been different if they'd left the venue together, or at least met in the lobby, and then the other girls decided they wanted to walk several blocks to a bar and at that point, Rachel decided she wasn't up for it.  But to abandon her in the venue with a 'Catch up with us when you can' text?  I'd be furious and I'd never go out with these particular 'friends' again.

POD.