Author Topic: Secret Santa requests; rude to not buy off the list?  (Read 2907 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9958
Re: Secret Santa requests; rude to not buy off the list?
« Reply #15 on: December 23, 2013, 09:03:57 AM »
IMO there's a difference between an ethical/moral objection and one of mere annoyance.  If I didn't drink (hahahahah) out of moral/religious views I wouldn't buy alcohol.  A store that annoys me because it puts out Christmas decorations before Halloween? I would get the gift.

A religious item? Again, if the item isn't advocating something I find absolutely reprehensible I'm okay with.  A book on herbs for my Wiccan co-worker?  I'd be okay with herbs.  A book by Fred Phelps for someone who wants to attend his "protests"?  No, not ever going to happen.

Agreed. I might not like Brand X's commercials, but that's something easily ignored. If I had a moral objection, that is not.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6284
Re: Secret Santa requests; rude to not buy off the list?
« Reply #16 on: December 23, 2013, 09:17:16 AM »
Of course a gift giver has no obligation to buy something that is on a wish list.  That same giver should not be hurt or offended if the giver's chosen gift is not something the recipient wanted or enjoys, however. 

LadyL

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2893
Re: Secret Santa requests; rude to not buy off the list?
« Reply #17 on: December 23, 2013, 09:33:37 AM »
Small update: we went to the Jewelry Brand store to get the requested items. It turns out that a substantial portion of the jewelry they sell is marketed with religious symbols in a way I find really questionable (basically they were appropriating symbols from non-dominant cultures and assigning them historically incorrect meanings some of which could definitely be construed as offensive; only someone from those cultures or reasonably well versed in religious symbology would catch it, otherwise they just look like pretty pictures). We had driven a distance to get there and don't have time to shop for an alternate gift, so we decided to only buy my aunt items that had non-religious symbols whose meanings were correctly represented.

If we had decided not to buy the gift there due to this issue, what would be a reasonable alternative? The style they sell is fairly distinctive/unique (think something like Troll Beads). I'm guessing there is no way to politely ask Aunt if she knows about the religious stuff they sell? They market themselves as fashion jewelry so it's not something you might know about unless you bought directly from their store. The items Aunt says she already has from them are definitely non-religious (a birth stone item and one that says "peace"). She is the type of person who probably wouldn't want to support a brand that misrepresents another culture and would appreciate a heads up if phrased in a gentle way (i.e. not "you know they sell a bunch of culturally appropriative XYZ religion stuff there?" or something). Is there any good phrasing for this? Not saying it's a conversation we plan on having but I'm just curious.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 31321
Re: Secret Santa requests; rude to not buy off the list?
« Reply #18 on: December 23, 2013, 09:49:47 AM »
I agree, Yvaine.

If a list I'm given says XYZ brand shirt, I won't go and buy an ABC brand shirt, because I have an issue with the political/moral/whatever stand of the designer of XYZ.  I'll pick out something else.  If Store DEF is a store I have an issue with and they sell GHI brand shirts but I can also get GHI shirts at Store JKL that I don't have an issue with, I'll buy it at Store JKL.

(And here's your gingerbread and shortbread Christmas cookies if you followed that alphabet soup!)

Well, clothing might be an exception to me--because there are so many options for brands, and because clothing wears out, and you expect to replace it. I might be inspired by the specific suggestion given to find something similar.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 31321
Re: Secret Santa requests; rude to not buy off the list?
« Reply #19 on: December 23, 2013, 10:05:22 AM »

If we had decided not to buy the gift there due to this issue, what would be a reasonable alternative?

Get her a vase. Get her a book. Get her a scarf.

Quote
The style they sell is fairly distinctive/unique (think something like Troll Beads). I'm guessing there is no way to politely ask Aunt if she knows about the religious stuff they sell? They market themselves as fashion jewelry so it's not something you might know about unless you bought directly from their store.

I wouldn't bother. Not even given this:

Quote
The items Aunt says she already has from them are definitely non-religious (a birth stone item and one that says "peace"). She is the type of person who probably wouldn't want to support a brand that misrepresents another culture and would appreciate a heads up if phrased in a gentle way (i.e. not "you know they sell a bunch of culturally appropriative XYZ religion stuff there?" or something). Is there any good phrasing for this? Not saying it's a conversation we plan on having but I'm just curious.

Well, OK, maybe I'll change my mind. Now that you *have* purchased something from that store, you can talk about the experience of buying stuff there. Ask if she's been there, say you found it interesting, etc. Speak about it as a academic issue, not as a criticism or a warning for her. "It was interesting the way they used the religious symbols pretty much as if they were graphic elements, with no apparent acknowledgment of what they mean to the people from that religion."

cwm

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2427
Re: Secret Santa requests; rude to not buy off the list?
« Reply #20 on: December 23, 2013, 11:47:32 AM »
Every time we've done a Secret Santa, there weren't actual lists like you're talking about. Usually it's about five or six questions, like what's your favorite candy, what's your favorite color, what kind of accessories would you wear, what's your favorite beverage, that sort of thing. So a list for a Secret Santa? That's a bit much, IMO.

That being said, just as an invitation is not a summons, a wish list is not a demand list. If you had chosen to buy something off the list but similar, I don't think it would have been a problem. Personally I'd just be glad that someone took the time to read beyond the list to see what I really liked and found something for me rather than just taken my list of demands and picked something off of that.

gollymolly2

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2683
Re: Secret Santa requests; rude to not buy off the list?
« Reply #21 on: December 23, 2013, 12:15:23 PM »

3) It's rude to give only one suggestion on a wish list.
<snip>

 I so totally agree.

I feel like a good wish list helps the buyers enjoy themselves.

So for those gift-givers who stress out unless they know the exact item you want, list some specific item (store, brand, description).

For those gift-givers who enjoy spending time picking out a gift but need some guidance, give some guidance: "I'm exercising more and could use more running clothes and in-house exercise equipment; we're redecorating our bathroom using reds and yellows; I'm getting into historical fiction" etc.

A wish list with only one specific item on it is more akin to a demand letter than a helpful suggestion.

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6684
Re: Secret Santa requests; rude to not buy off the list?
« Reply #22 on: December 24, 2013, 07:21:29 AM »
A gift is the choice of the giver. A gift list is suggestions created by the intended recipient should the giver be stumped for ideas. My only exception to this stance is giving a place setting of china or flat wear that is not the recipients chosen pattern.

On the other hand, I think it's better to completely ignore the list and follow your own inspiration than to buy an ersatz version of the thing they actually listed, like "I know better than you what tote bag you want." Better to just forget tote bags and get her a nice scarf or something.
I guess I wasn't very clear. That's what I meant. Is you don't like their Kate Spade pattern, don't go buy a place setting of Reed and Barton just buy a different type of item.