No...actually that is what it seems that you are saying. Linda has the right not to want to do things with her ex. She also has the obligation (as does her ex) to communicate that with him and work things out. There is zero evidence in any of the OP's post that they agreed to never be in each other's homes.
Well, there was the history they had of not being in each others' homes.
But this is the key point that we apparently disagree on. The way I see it the default setting etiquette wise is that you don't come without permission. Not you can do as you like if not specifically banned.
As a matter of fact, considering that Linda seemed to allow the invite to follow through, that she actually did the mature thing and put her feelings aside.
That doesn't mean that the intrusion was welcome.
If you've had a bad experience with an ex, or know of those that do (I do know those couples as well), then I can see where you are drawing your strong opinion of Dave's ill-intentions from.
I haven't used anyone that I know as an example in this case. And I have said that my opinion has nothing to do with Dave's intentions. I don't know what his intentions were, but I look at his behavior and I think he was rude to do what he did.
But, I have to be clear that this argument that you just made works both ways...just because you know people (or are those people) that can't be in the presence of those you don't like, doesn't mean that everyone is wrong to do it.
I agree with you and I never made that argument at all. It's strictly an etiquette point that you don't come in uninvited and that the invitation must be valid--meaning it has to be backed up by the person who has the authority to give it. I don't see that it has anything to do with being around people you don't like.
If one of my kids had invited anyone at all into my home without my permission, I would not have been happy about it. It has nothing to do with how I feel about someone personally and everything to do with it being my home and me having a say in who comes in or not.
And if I do have to invite someone for the sake of my child, I know I must do it wholeheartedly and not grudgingly.
Just because Linda doesn't like Dave doesn't mean they can't ever be around each other. Linda told her friend she was uncomfortable...ok, totally understandable (afterall, they are exes). That doesn't make Dave wrong.
I agree, it's not what makes Dave wrong. What made Dave wrong was not talking to her before staying. That's what made Dave wrong in my eyes. That she is uncomfortable is the evidence that there was no precedent for him to do what he did.
Again, in my opinion, the default is set on, "you don't come in unless invited."
Heck, how do you know he too wasn't uncomfortable. This isn't about Linda and Dave...it's also about Pam. Linda and Dave seem to have made that distinction already, so I'm not sure what the argument is about.
if he is uncomfortable, he can leave. He created the situation, he has the power to end it.
I agree that its about Pam--which makes the communication and respect they show for each other to be that much more important.
That is what confuses me about your position. If Dave can override Linda's boundaries as long as it benefits his daughter somehow, that actually works against them having an amicable relationship
It seems to me that he loves and respects the child by loving and respecting her mother. And he does that by not making an end run around her.
I totally understand what you are saying about parents getting along. I totally agree with you--in the absence of truly abusive behavior, parents should put aside their differences for the good of their children. But, I think that begins with respecting each others' boundaries, whether that be the threshold of their home or the word "no" from their lips.