Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf - UPDATE #41

[veronaz]

A relative was telling me that she’s going to be in our mutual hometown during the holidays (staying with her mother for a few days) and she said she’s thinking about “surprising” her high school bf (who she hasn’t seen in over 30 yrs).

I asked what she meant by “surprise” (call? Invite for coffee?)

She said “I was thinking of stopping by.  Just to say “hello” and talk about old times, have some laughs   Take him some cookies or something.  I heard his dad died a few months ago.”

I spent several minutes trying to convince her it was not a good idea, for many reasons. (Ummm, you just don’t show up at an old bf’s door after all those years.) She thinks it’s a cute idea.    She tends to be kind of flighty and impulsive.

If any of my old bfs did that to me I would be mortified. - and very annoyed.

[VorFemme]

Bad idea unless you really want to give the guy the idea that you are trying to rekindle that old flame.  It might still be a bad idea even if you want to rekindle that old flame - he might be a priest, have a significant other, or otherwise not be at a point in his life where he is even interested in old flames that are only memories to him now.  And they may not be warm memories, depending on how things fell out between them way back then.

[m2kbug]

Does she know anything about this old boyfriend?  Are they on Facebook?  Is there any contact or information with mutual friends?  Or is she just trying to bombard the guy with high hopes to spark an old romance?  Is he receptive?  Does she know he's receptive?  Is he married or in a rel@tionship?  Is she planning on doing this completely blind without knowing anything?

I think if there is no other way to contact this person, ringing the bell is not the worst thing in the world.  How else can you establish contact?  There are many who have yet to be in the modern era, so old school contact may be the only way.  I would encourage her to contact him by another means first.  If she can't make use of Facebook, we know she has the guy's address, so send a card.  If she is going to show up on this guy's porch willy-nilly, I think it's a fine gesture to bring a gift, and she should be prepared to not stay long, and leave her personal contact information, and do all this in a way that does not suggest romance unless she knows for a fact he is equally interested; otherwise, it's creepy and stalky. 

Thirty years is a long time.  This could land your relative in an era that porch calls were once very acceptable and normal, where today this might come across as creepy, even for the "old folks," so showing up unannounced may not be the best idea. 

[Hmmmmm]

I think it depends on the highschool relationship. I'm about the same age. I have some HS boyfriends I'd be thrilled if they stopped by. I have others that I'd much rather not see. After 30 years I definetly wouldn't think they were trying to rekindle a romance by just stopping by with cookies and condolences.

[veronaz]

When a single person (especially a female) looks up/drops by to see an old flame there is almost always the presumption that the wants to rekindle the flame.  Even if that’s not the case.

Years ago I saw my brother’s best high school friend at a funeral.  We chatted for a few minutes afterwards.  (We never dated.)  Since we had both moved to the same city, I thought it would be nice to get together …..I knew he was married.  He said “Sure!  Maybe some weekend you and whoever you’re dating can come over”.    At the time I wasn’t dating anyone, but because of his comment I never followed up. 

As far as the relative I referenced, I don't know yet what she decided.

[Bluenomi]

I think randomly dropping by someone's house uninvited is rude no matter who they are.

[cross_patch]

When a single person (especially a female) looks up/drops by to see an old flame there is almost always the presumption that the wants to rekindle the flame.  Even if that’s not the case.

Years ago I saw my brother’s best high school friend at a funeral.  We chatted for a few minutes afterwards.  (We never dated.)  Since we had both moved to the same city, I thought it would be nice to get together …..I knew he was married.  He said “Sure!  Maybe some weekend you and whoever you’re dating can come over”.    At the time I wasn’t dating anyone, but because of his comment I never followed up. 

As far as the relative I referenced, I don't know yet what she decided.

What? Why? I don't understand, wasn't he just saying that if you had a partner they could come too? I don't understand how this would prompt you not to follow up.

I have to say I also vehemently disagree with the first part of your post, I really don't think that's the case. I've met up with old bf's before and no one thought I wanted to rekindle, even though I was single!

[CaffeineKatie]

I'm sorry, I don't care who it is--DON'T just show up at someone's house.  That's just flat out rude, in my book. 

[veronaz]

When a single person (especially a female) looks up/drops by to see an old flame there is almost always the presumption that the wants to rekindle the flame.  Even if that’s not the case.

Years ago I saw my brother’s best high school friend at a funeral.  We chatted for a few minutes afterwards.  (We never dated.)  Since we had both moved to the same city, I thought it would be nice to get together …..I knew he was married.  He said “Sure!  Maybe some weekend you and whoever you’re dating can come over”.    At the time I wasn’t dating anyone, but because of his comment I never followed up. 

As far as the relative I referenced, I don't know yet what she decided.

What? Why? I don't understand, wasn't he just saying that if you had a partner they could come too? I don't understand how this would prompt you not to follow up.

I have to say I also vehemently disagree with the first part of your post, I really don't think that's the case. I've met up with old bf's before and no one thought I wanted to rekindle, even though I was single!

I didn’t follow up because he made it clear I was not to come alone.  Otherwise, he would have said “Sure!  Sounds like fun!  And IF you want to bring a date, that’s cool.”

Vehemently?
I said “almost” always.  Okay, so you have never run into that (although you can't be sure whether anyone thought that or not or what was said).  There might be some others who haven’t.  But many/most have.  I stand by what I said.

I'm sorry, I don't care who it is--DON'T just show up at someone's house.  That's just flat out rude, in my book.

I agree.  It's really bad form and rude.

[metallicafan]

This past year, I went to lunch with my high school boyfriend and another friend who went to high school with us.  My DH did not mind, and neither did their wives.  It was nice to catch up and reminisce about when we were 18 and silly, and all that.  It was like our own high school reunion in a way.

[Peppergirl]

I don't think it would be bad if they had had some prior contact in recent years and set a time to meet, but I think just showing up (surprising him) is bad form, and a terrible idea.

[veronaz]

This past year, I went to lunch with my high school boyfriend and another friend who went to high school with us.  My DH did not mind, and neither did their wives.  It was nice to catch up and reminisce about when we were 18 and silly, and all that.  It was like our own high school reunion in a way.

Yes, such visits can be a lot of fun.  But (from your description) that's quite different from showing up at their door.

[LeveeWoman]

A relative was telling me that she’s going to be in our mutual hometown during the holidays (staying with her mother for a few days) and she said she’s thinking about “surprising” her high school bf (who she hasn’t seen in over 30 yrs).

I asked what she meant by “surprise” (call? Invite for coffee?)

She said “I was thinking of stopping by.  Just to say “hello” and talk about old times, have some laughs   Take him some cookies or something.  I heard his dad died a few months ago.”

I spent several minutes trying to convince her it was not a good idea, for many reasons. (Ummm, you just don’t show up at an old bf’s door after all those years.) She thinks it’s a cute idea.    She tends to be kind of flighty and impulsive.

If any of my old bfs did that to me I would be mortified. - and very annoyed.

If such a person showed up at my house, s/he would learn pretty quickly about the Second Amendment.

[FauxFoodist]

I'm still friends with my first love from back in high school (28 years now), we were invited to each other's weddings (his 18 years ago, mine back in January), and I couldn't imagine either of us just showing up at each other's houses unannounced.  I couldn't imagine what is going through your relative's head that she thinks this is a good idea.

[Luci]

Duh. No.

Call first.

We have driven by my x's home many times on the southern coast. No phone number--cell, even though Lucas offered to stop - 1000 miles away from our place, no contact for 48 years - he and his wife don't need that!