Author Topic: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf - UPDATE #41  (Read 10373 times)

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baglady

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2013, 01:04:17 AM »
Second Amendment? Really? I hope you're joking.

I think that as a general rule, it's rude to show up at someone's house without calling (or emailing, or texting, or something) first. But there are exceptions. It all depends on the people, the relationship, the circumstances, the expectations, and occasionally the culture of the area or the social group. Some people are OK with unannounced visitors, some aren't. And the visitor has to be prepared to *not* be welcomed in with open arms.

I don't get any vibe from the OP that her relative wants to rekindle her relationship with her old boyfriend. She's in the neighborhood, she'd like to see him again, maybe see how he looks now and how he's doing, and offer condolences on his dad's passing. She mentioned "having a few laughs" about the old days, but she has to be prepared for the distinct possibility that may not happen. He may be busy, or ill. He might accept the condolences and the cookies and explain that he's not up for a visit, or he might invite her in to have coffee/meet the wife (if he has one).

Story 1: Years ago I had a guy I'd briefly dated show up at my door unannounced. He'd been the one to break it off, so this wasn't some guy who'd been pining for me or stalking me. His showing up was a very pleasant surprise, and we did rekindle the relationship, although it didn't last (his decision again).

Story 2: A family I've been friends with for going on 20 years moved into my neighborhood a few years ago. This year they moved in downstairs from me. We have a running joke between us that while their door is always open to me, I will not drop by unannounced -- unless UPS has left a delivery for them at my door -- because "I'm not Kramer."
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cicero

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2013, 03:14:57 AM »
This past year, I went to lunch with my high school boyfriend and another friend who went to high school with us.  My DH did not mind, and neither did their wives.  It was nice to catch up and reminisce about when we were 18 and silly, and all that.  It was like our own high school reunion in a way.
I think herein lies the difference - getting together with old school friend/s in a friendly lunch? sounds great. Popping up unannounced on an old flame's doorstep? not so much. the "rekindling" possibilities are not the issue, nor are her [hopefully sincere] desires to console him; it's the "popping up unannounced" that i would have a problem with.


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cass2591

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #17 on: December 26, 2013, 03:31:11 AM »
A relative was telling me that she’s going to be in our mutual hometown during the holidays (staying with her mother for a few days) and she said she’s thinking about “surprising” her high school bf (who she hasn’t seen in over 30 yrs).

I asked what she meant by “surprise” (call? Invite for coffee?)

She said “I was thinking of stopping by.  Just to say “hello” and talk about old times, have some laughs   Take him some cookies or something.  I heard his dad died a few months ago.”

I spent several minutes trying to convince her it was not a good idea, for many reasons. (Ummm, you just don’t show up at an old bf’s door after all those years.) She thinks it’s a cute idea.  ::)  She tends to be kind of flighty and impulsive.

If any of my old bfs did that to me I would be mortified. - and very annoyed.

If such a person showed up at my house, s/he would learn pretty quickly about the Second Amendment.

I know your reply should be deleted but it is so outrageous I will let it stand because I find it appalling on all sorts of levels. I don't think you were joking. Any non joke about violence is unacceptable on this forum.

Also, even bringing up the 2nd Amendment opens the door to a very controversial and political topic and you should well know it.
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ChinaShepherdess

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #18 on: December 26, 2013, 04:10:37 AM »
getting together with old school friend/s in a friendly lunch? sounds great. Popping up unannounced on an old flame's doorstep? not so much. the "rekindling" possibilities are not the issue, nor are her [hopefully sincere] desires to console him; it's the "popping up unannounced" that i would have a problem with.

I could not agree more! Heck, I'm displeased when current friends drop by my house without giving me warning. Very close friends can get away with a five-minutes-prior heads-up text message; medium-close friends can give me any sort of notification, provided I receive, acknowledge, and accept it. But I think anyone who isn't a solid friend (and I think an ex I hadn't spoken to in thirty years would fall into outsider social range) can't just tell me they're coming by -- it would only be appropriate for them to either invite me out somewhere, or mention they'll be in town and let me decide whether I'd like to invite them to my home.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #19 on: December 26, 2013, 10:21:22 AM »
It might be fun.  However, it may well be that even if he invites her in and serves her coffee, after about 15 minutes, a deadly silence falls between them, and she finds herself wondering how to best get out of there.

I would never do it.  I always figure that if a friendship drifted apart, it did so for a reason.
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mich3554

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #20 on: December 26, 2013, 11:01:15 AM »
As the g/f of a man whose old g/f did this this past year, do all you can to dissuade her.  This is 30+ years ago.

Recently, my b/f's old g/f looked him up on linked in and it has been a horribly uncomfortable situation.  Yes, I have met her.  My b/f has really tried to block her, but she is persistent and it doesn't help that she lost her last remaining parent and has latched onto my b/f's mom.  As she lives in the same city, she had done her damnedest to try to rekindle that relationship too.

Under normal circumstances, I probably would like being friends with this woman.  But she insists on reliving her old life (despite the fact that she has a husband and a daughter) with my b/f in memories.  Her husband is uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable, my b/f is uncomfortable and she just is not getting the message.  No one wants to hurt her and my b/f said that she bulldozed her way like this 30 years ago, so she's not changed much.

She was the one who broke off the relationship.  She regrets it now and has told him as much.


whiskeytangofoxtrot

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #21 on: December 26, 2013, 11:20:01 AM »
I don't even show up unannounced at good friend's/family's houses... much less the house of someone I haven't seen in 3 decades. Thoughtless is thoughtless, period.


nuit93

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #22 on: December 26, 2013, 11:36:43 AM »
Heck, I won't even show up at my mom's house unannounced these days (she's a newlywed, I don't want to walk in on what they might be doing...).

menley

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #23 on: December 26, 2013, 11:53:27 AM »
I don't even show up unannounced at good friend's/family's houses... much less the house of someone I haven't seen in 3 decades. Thoughtless is thoughtless, period.

That's where I fall on this as well. I would never show up unannounced at anyone's home, especially if I hadn't seen or spoken to them in years.

veronaz

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #24 on: December 26, 2013, 01:17:18 PM »
About 10 yrs ago I ran into a guy I had a crazy crush on when I was in high school.  He was a carry-out boy (remember those?) at a store where I had a job as cashier.  Anyway, we crossed paths and it was sad…..he had aged terribly, hadn’t done much with his life, and later I found out he had been in serious trouble (prison).

Sometimes it’s better to just remember people as they were when you knew/last saw them, and preserve those precious memories. :-\

I agree that just showing up at anyone's door is not cool. 

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #25 on: December 26, 2013, 02:13:26 PM »
If this were just an old female friend of her's from high school, I would feel the exact same way. And that is, you don't show up unannounced.

However, if she wanted to call him up and say "Hey George, it's Jane from high school! Look, I'm in town and I'd love to get to see you, catch up a little, are you free?", I'd find that totally acceptable.

Dropping by his house unannounced with cookies well...it's not that it looks bad but whose to say George has time to chat over cookies? Maybe he's adopted a nudist lifestyle in the past 30 years. Best to call first, make sure everyone is wearing clothes.

m2kbug

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #26 on: December 26, 2013, 02:24:31 PM »
What would be the best approach if there's no other way to contact this person?  Would it still be considered rude if there was no other way other than showing up at the house?  Of course if it were me, I would not plan on staying and hopefully make sure they knew I was not expecting it, and have my number written down so they can call me at a better time.  Even if they did invite me in, I would feel like I was forcing hospitality out of them, so would the best thing be to say, "thank you but I can't stay, I just wanted to leave you my information?"  Would that compensate for any rudeness for dropping by? 

lowspark

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #27 on: December 26, 2013, 02:29:56 PM »
What would be the best approach if there's no other way to contact this person?  Would it still be considered rude if there was no other way other than showing up at the house?  Of course if it were me, I would not plan on staying and hopefully make sure they knew I was not expecting it, and have my number written down so they can call me at a better time.  Even if they did invite me in, I would feel like I was forcing hospitality out of them, so would the best thing be to say, "thank you but I can't stay, I just wanted to leave you my information?"  Would that compensate for any rudeness for dropping by?

If you have the address to be able to go to it, then of course there is another way to contact them. Good old fashioned snail mail.

I'm with everyone else who says it's a very bad idea to just show up unannounced at anyone's house, much less in this situation.

cwm

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #28 on: December 26, 2013, 02:37:10 PM »
The only way I would be happy to see an ex show up unannounced would be if it was to return the things of mine they still had and leave. That's it.

Then again, I'm not in contact with any of my exes, somehow I always ended up being dumped on bad terms. I don't want to see any of them again because of how badly I'd been hurt by them.

nolechica

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #29 on: December 26, 2013, 02:56:03 PM »
Aside from all the etiquette reasons, what if old flame doesn't recognize her because of a new hairdo or not aging well?  30 years is a long time.