Author Topic: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf - UPDATE #41  (Read 10409 times)

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LeveeWoman

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #30 on: December 27, 2013, 10:23:56 PM »
A relative was telling me that she’s going to be in our mutual hometown during the holidays (staying with her mother for a few days) and she said she’s thinking about “surprising” her high school bf (who she hasn’t seen in over 30 yrs).

I asked what she meant by “surprise” (call? Invite for coffee?)

She said “I was thinking of stopping by.  Just to say “hello” and talk about old times, have some laughs   Take him some cookies or something.  I heard his dad died a few months ago.”

I spent several minutes trying to convince her it was not a good idea, for many reasons. (Ummm, you just don’t show up at an old bf’s door after all those years.) She thinks it’s a cute idea.  ::)  She tends to be kind of flighty and impulsive.

If any of my old bfs did that to me I would be mortified. - and very annoyed.

If such a person showed up at my house, s/he would learn pretty quickly about the Second Amendment.

I know your reply should be deleted but it is so outrageous I will let it stand because I find it appalling on all sorts of levels. I don't think you were joking. Any non joke about violence is unacceptable on this forum.

Also, even bringing up the 2nd Amendment opens the door to a very controversial and political topic and you should well know it.

I apologize. My only defense is that I was thinking of my violent and all-around evil ex-husband, and I should have said so.

No. I take that back. I should not have made that post at all.

Again, I apologize.

poundcake

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #31 on: December 28, 2013, 06:53:18 AM »
It sounds like your relative has been reading too many romance novels or watching too many rom-coms. It sounds like a cute and quirky set-up for a fictional plot, there is no way this would be acceptable in the real world. Intrusive and creepy, not cute.

Julsie

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #32 on: December 28, 2013, 05:53:31 PM »
What would be the best approach if there's no other way to contact this person?  Would it still be considered rude if there was no other way other than showing up at the house?

Yes, I believe that it's still rude because there isn't "no other way" to contact an old friend.  You drop him a note in the mail with your contact information.  You look up his phone number at whitepages.com.  If that doesn't work then it's too bad, so sad.

I would be mortified if an old flame showed up unexpectedly without giving me a chance to make sure I look as good as possible.   8)

My husband would be uncomfortable because we know a couple where the old flame re-entered the wife's life.  It was as innocent as could be at first.  Until it wasn't.

rose red

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #33 on: December 28, 2013, 06:11:29 PM »
Even if I want to see this person, I would be livid if they show up without warning.  My house is messy (not dirty, but it's a mess) and I walk around in my pajamas.

veronaz

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #34 on: December 28, 2013, 06:19:28 PM »
Also, sometimes a person does not want to see an old flame again - for "laughs" or anything else.

TeamBhakta

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #35 on: December 28, 2013, 06:53:07 PM »
I'm trying to imagine the reverse version, where the exboyfriend shows up at the exgirlfriend's house 30 years later unannounced. I'm pretty sure people would tell a guy "Dude, that's a bit creepy. You've obviously been nursing a crush for 30 years. You need to get out more and leave that lady alone."

veronaz

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #36 on: December 28, 2013, 07:08:31 PM »
I'm trying to imagine the reverse version, where the exboyfriend shows up at the exgirlfriend's house 30 years later unannounced. I'm pretty sure people would tell a guy "Dude, that's a bit creepy. You've obviously been nursing a crush for 30 years. You need to get out more and leave that lady alone."

Yeah, but I don’t think it necessarily means the person has been nursing a crush for all that time.  I would tend to think they were in-between relationships or in a relationship that had lost it’s sizzle.

I’m as nostalgic as the next person, but there are limits.

Winterlight

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #37 on: December 28, 2013, 07:42:04 PM »
What would be the best approach if there's no other way to contact this person?  Would it still be considered rude if there was no other way other than showing up at the house?  Of course if it were me, I would not plan on staying and hopefully make sure they knew I was not expecting it, and have my number written down so they can call me at a better time.  Even if they did invite me in, I would feel like I was forcing hospitality out of them, so would the best thing be to say, "thank you but I can't stay, I just wanted to leave you my information?"  Would that compensate for any rudeness for dropping by?

If you have the address to be able to go to it, then of course there is another way to contact them. Good old fashioned snail mail.

I'm with everyone else who says it's a very bad idea to just show up unannounced at anyone's house, much less in this situation.

Good point. If you want to be in touch, a letter is much safer than fetching up on someone's doorstep.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Hmmmmm

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #38 on: December 28, 2013, 07:59:41 PM »
I'm trying to imagine the reverse version, where the exboyfriend shows up at the exgirlfriend's house 30 years later unannounced. I'm pretty sure people would tell a guy "Dude, that's a bit creepy. You've obviously been nursing a crush for 30 years. You need to get out more and leave that lady alone."

Again, I think it depends on the relationship.

My HS relationships weren't too serious or drama filled. I did have an old one show up at my office once and I was thrilled to see him and we had a wonderful time comparing life to date up dates. I had no illusions about him being looking to rekindle an old flame. He was someone I had known since I was 6 and dated for a year or so when I was 16.

I put my HS relationships in the same category as I do most other HS friendships. Some were toxic and I'd have no interest in seeing them again. Most are happy memories.

Peppergirl

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #39 on: December 29, 2013, 01:36:11 AM »
I happened to run in to my high-school BF in a mall fairly recently.  He asked me to meet him for coffee to catch up. 

I agreed, and we had a nice time catching up until he informed me that he never really got over me and made it blatantly obvious he wished to start an affair.  ::) ::)

Really? 25 years later?  Oh, that's sensible and classy.  And I'm sure your wife would be thrilled to know this.  Jerk. 

blarg314

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #40 on: December 29, 2013, 08:37:15 PM »

In this case, I'd send a snail mail or email saying that they were really sorry to hear about the death of their old flame's father, and hoped they were doing okay. If the OF wants to, they can continue the contact.

Showing up unannounced at the front door of someone you dated 30 years ago, and have not been in contact with, is intrusive and kind of creepy, Hollywood plots notwithstanding. Give a phone call or email first, to see if they are interested.

I managed to totally spontaneously run into an ex-boyfriend last summer, at a ferry terminal which was 5000 km from the city we dated in, 10000 km from his home country, and 10000 km in the other direction from where I live now.  Turns out he's living about 50 km from where I grew up. We said hi, I introduced him to my husband, but we didn't keep in touch.


veronaz

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf - UPDATE
« Reply #41 on: December 29, 2013, 09:05:36 PM »
OP here with an update

Well, relative called me earlier.  She wasn’t able to find a phone #.  Heard from someone that old bf is divorced but has a gf.

So day after Christmas she went to his house anyway, with a loaf of homemade banana nut bread.  No answer, no car in driveway.  She had prepared a note and left it with the banana bread inside the screened porch

“Hi xxxxx,
Been a long time.  Sorry to hear about your dad.  I was in town for Christmas staying with my mom on xxxxx st.  I’ll be here until Saturday.  Give me a call when you have a chance.   Merry Chtistmas!”
xxxxx
(cell #)

She hasn’t heard anything.

Either he’s out of town, not interested, or gf found the note/bread and dumped them.  :-\

« Last Edit: December 29, 2013, 09:08:02 PM by veronaz »

SoCalVal

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf
« Reply #42 on: December 29, 2013, 09:14:12 PM »
OP here with an update

Well, relative called me earlier.  She wasn’t able to find a phone #.  Heard from someone that old bf is divorced but has a gf.

So day after Christmas she went to his house anyway, with a loaf of homemade banana nut bread.  No answer, no car in driveway.  She had prepared a note and left it with the banana bread inside the screened porch

“Hi xxxxx,
Been a long time.  Sorry to hear about your dad.  I was in town for Christmas staying with my mom on xxxxx st.  I’ll be here until Saturday.  Give me a call when you have a chance.   Merry Chtistmas!”
xxxxx
(cell #)

She hasn’t heard anything.

Either he’s out of town, not interested, or gf found the note/bread and dumped them.  :-\

The question is, though, will she take zero contact from him as a sign to leave him alone?

I know my DH wouldn't think anything bad/weird about it if an old GF suddenly left something on our doorstep (he thinks well about just about anyone and would just say something like, "That was really nice of OldGF").  I would be highly suspicious and wonder why OldGF was contacting him (don't get me wrong as neither he nor I have problems with the other being/staying friends with old BFs/GFs -- like I said in my earlier post, my first love was invited to our wedding, as was one of DH's old GFs, now a friend of mine also, plus another friend of DH who was a romantic interest of his before me, although nothing ever transpired).  It's the ones who would come out of nowhere that would make me wonder, "Why now?  What are you up to?"



veronaz

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf - UPDATE #41
« Reply #43 on: December 29, 2013, 09:40:23 PM »
Quote
The question is, though, will she take zero contact from him as a sign to leave him alone?

I have no idea, but hope so.  Only time will tell. 


m2kbug

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Re: Surprising/looking up an old bf/gf - UPDATE #41
« Reply #44 on: December 29, 2013, 10:37:46 PM »
I think the note and gift seem fine, but it seems it was a bit vague.  I'm assuming he'll know who this person is, "been a long time" and "I'm in town"??  I fully agree that showing up on someone's porch is rude in most circumstances, and Relative's approach probably wasn't the best idea, but it seems reasonable, in my mind, to leave a note and not expect anything.  The same as leaving a voicemail or sending a letter or email or friend request or whatever - put the ball in their court. 

I hope your relative understands that she may not receive a reply.  I also hope she has an opportunity to reconnect with old friends as well.