Yes, even your kid isn't invited. *Update Post #30* *Post-Party Update #71*

[GlitterIsMyDrug]

So we're having a New Year's Eve party. And we decided this year to make it a little on the fancier side, and also to make it 18 and up as well. Usually when we have any kind of party we're ok with kids coming. Heck some days I'd rather deal with the kids then with the adults. But this time, we decided, grown ups only. We acknowledged that this may mean some of our friends won't make it, especially those who have just recently had kids. That's fine, we understand completely, we'll see you some other time!

For the most part, this has gone over just fine. Kelly (I've talked about her a lot) called to RSVP for her and her husband and told me she was excitied to have a night out without her son, one of my other friends called with her regrets, they're doing a family thing. Totally fine. And then there was...Amanda.

Amanda has two kids, 9 and 8, she's in town visiting her mom for the holidays. Her mom also got an invite and she's coming to the party. Several people have offered to babysit the kids, but all want to be paid and she doesn't want to pay. She can't believe I won't bend on this! Her kids are like Kelly's son whose an infant. They're well behaved! And she's right, they really are. Quiet, sweet, helpful, great kids really. They still aren't invited. I'm not budging.

Well according to my mom, Amanda mentioned to her mother that she might just show up with the kids anyways. After all, Glitter likes the kids and won't want to hurt their feelings.

The sucky part is, she's right. They're old enough to understand when they aren't welcomed, and I don't want to hurt them. I feel like Amanda is playing to my weaknesses. I have no problem tossing out an adult, or telling an adult they aren't invited. But two kids? Two really nice kids? Because their mother dragged them along? I'll fold faster then a cheap suit and she knows it. It's not their fault their mom is a rude boor.

Of course right now my mom and her mom are working double time to explain to her that is unacceptable, and rather mean. If she doesn't want to leave the kids, then she shouldn't attend the party. She shouldn't "trick" me into allowing her kids to attend.

Frankly, I've been the only kid at an adult party (invited kid), and its freaking boring. I feel bad for them getting dragged along.

So, ehellions, how do I turn away kids at the party? Of course I'll turn Amanda away as well. I wouldn't expect the kids to find their own way home. Or if they show up, do I set them up upstairs with a movie and some snacks?

[bah12]

If you don't want Amanda to take advantage of your good nature, then don't let her.  If she shows up with the kids absolutely do not send them upstairs.  If this isn't an accpetable compromise for your to offer now (I personally think it's fine), then it's not acceptable after she tries to force you into it.  So, if she shows up with kids in tow, just pull her aside and say "Amanda, I'm sorry...but this is an adult only party.  The kids can't stay.  I have to ask you take them home.  If you find some childcare, you're welcome to come back."

[cwm]

Call Amanda now. Remind her that the party is no kids. Tell her now that kids are not allowed and if she can't find other arrangements for her kids, you're sorry you won't be able to see her.

Is your party announced on FB? Write on the wall for the event (or send out a mass email) reminding everyone that once again, kids aren't allowed under any circumstances.

If she does show up, meet her at the door, with a script. "Oh, Amanda, how nice of you to stop by to say hi on your way...where are you going again?" Because obviously if she has her kids, she's just stopping by for a minute or two, you did say no kids. If she says this is where she was going, smile kindly. Laugh, if you can force one. "Oh, Amanda, I'm sorry. This is an adults only party, didn't you see all the posts about it? If you can find someone to watch the kids you're more than welcome to drop by later, though."

If the kids are old enough to understand they're not welcomed when they're turned away, they're old enough to understand that they're not welcomed when they're the only kids there, too. You're not doing them any favors by bending to Amanda's wishes and letting them come, they'll just be learning that you can do whatever you want no matter what anyone says.

Are your mom and Amanda's mom going to be at the party before Amanda is? If you really don't think you'll be able to stand firm and turn her away, have your mom and/or her mom over a bit early, and if Amanda shows up, your mom or her mom can be the ones to take her aside and turn her away. Heck, her mom can even use the line above. "Oh, Amanda how nice of you to stop by with the kids on your way to dinner. Hope you all have a good night at home!"

Do not bend. Do not cave. If you need your partner and your mom and Amanda's mom to run all the interference, have them do it, but don't let her trample all over your party. This is your party, it's your rules, and you're not doing anyone any kindness by letting it be taken over by Amanda and her kids.

[Library Dragon]

If you don't want Amanda to take advantage of your good nature, then don't let her.  If she shows up with the kids absolutely do not send them upstairs.  If this isn't an accpetable compromise for your to offer now (I personally think it's fine), then it's not acceptable after she tries to force you into it.  So, if she shows up with kids in tow, just pull her aside and say "Amanda, I'm sorry...but this is an adult only party.  The kids can't stay.  I have to ask you take them home.  If you find some childcare, you're welcome to come back."

This. And if possible don't give her a chance to take off her coat, get comfy, mingle, etc.  You can say to the kids something like, "Wow! It's good to see you.  Too bad we're having an all adult party, or we would visit.  Make sure your mom brings you over to say hi later in the week."  That way the kids know that you aren't upset at them and will be happy to see them another time. 

[Luci]

You, your mother and Amanda's mother tell Amanda  one more time that the kids are not invited and that the next time they will tell the kids, too. Tell the kids what will happen if they show up so they won't be surprised it they are turned away, and to lessen the blow to the kids, send a movie or other gift to them so that they know you love them, or make a special time for them during their visit to show you love them. I do think 9 and 8 are old enough to understand all this, and it's only fair to forewarn them.

Hopefully, Amanda will back down before it actually happens. It almost smacks of blackmail, but I think it the best and kindest way to handle it.

Call Amanda now. Remind her that the party is no kids. Tell her now that kids are not allowed and if she can't find other arrangements for her kids, you're sorry you won't be able to see her...

If the kids are old enough to understand they're not welcomed when they're turned away, they're old enough to understand that they're not welcomed when they're the only kids there, too. You're not doing them any favors by bending to Amanda's wishes and letting them come, they'll just be learning that you can do whatever you want no matter what anyone says.

.

[FoxPaws]

^Everything cwm said.

The Amandas of the world get away with the bull[poop] they pull because they know they can count on other people's sense of decency to bail them out. Don't rescue her this time.

And do NOT be shy about letting her kids know that she brought them there knowing full well they were not invited. "Hey guys, it's great to see you. It was nice of your Mommy to bring you by to say Hello. I'll bet she's got something really fun planned for the three of you to do, since she didn't want to leave you with a sitter so she could stay here for the grown up party."

[Mikayla]

If this was me, I would not want someone else (the moms) handling this. I tend to think most of us are our own best spokesperson, and things get diluted when others step in to help.

And my response to Amanda would be simple:  Amanda, this is a kid free event.  Are you seriously expecting me to jeopardize my friendships with all those who have been told their kids aren't invited, but yours apparently are?  I hope not. How would you feel if you left your kids at home for an event, only to see other kids there? 

[wheeitsme]

Well according to my mom, Amanda mentioned to her mother that she might just show up with the kids anyways. After all, Glitter likes the kids and won't want to hurt their feelings.

The sucky part is, she's right. They're old enough to understand when they aren't welcomed, and I don't want to hurt them. I feel like Amanda is playing to my weaknesses. I have no problem tossing out an adult, or telling an adult they aren't invited. But two kids? Two really nice kids? Because their mother dragged them along? I'll fold faster then a cheap suit and she knows it. It's not their fault their mom is a rude boor.

Of course right now my mom and her mom are working double time to explain to her that is unacceptable, and rather mean. If she doesn't want to leave the kids, then she shouldn't attend the party. She shouldn't "trick" me into allowing her kids to attend.

Frankly, I've been the only kid at an adult party (invited kid), and its freaking boring. I feel bad for them getting dragged along.

So, ehellions, how do I turn away kids at the party? Of course I'll turn Amanda away as well. I wouldn't expect the kids to find their own way home. Or if they show up, do I set them up upstairs with a movie and some snacks?

Perhaps your mom and her mom should explain to her that if she brings the kids, that will be the last invite she gets from you. Ever.  You might not be able to turn them away at the door, but you CAN make sure that the situation never happens again. 

[buvezdevin]

I agree with Mikayla's post, particularly, with a modification to her suggestion of what you should say to Amanda before the date of the event.

I would, in your shoes, ask Amanda if she was willing to jeopardize her friendship with *me* by purposefully ignoring my express condition of no children included in my invitation.

[Zizi-K]

I would just call Amanda directly with what you've heard through the grapevine. Don't go through your mothers. I like Mikayla's line about how this could affect your relationship with other friends who had the decency to keep the kids at home. I would just make it really clear that the kids are not invited. "Amanda, as I mentioned in my invitation, this is an adults-only party. I've heard you've been having trouble arranging for a babysitter. Is that right? Unfortunately, I cannot accomodate children at this party. Do you understand that?" If you get any push-back whatsoever, then just rescind her invitation. "You know, it sounds like you're going to have to skip the party altogether. This is a bit too much stress for me to handle to go back and forth with you like this, and for my own sanity I'm going to have to rescind the invitation. Hopefully we can catch up next time you're in town, and I hope you and the kids have a good NYE." It's not rude to do so when the guest has made it clear that they intend to take blatant advantage of your hospitality.

[weeblewobble]

And when you do turn the kids away from the door, maybe have some little token to soften the blow for each of the kids? Nothing elaborate.  A pretty wrapped cookie or a big candy cane, a goodie bag with crayons and a coloring book.  Just say, "I heard you guys were in town and I didn't get to see you for Christmas.  Here's something from Partner and me." And then wish them goodnight and shut the door.  No, it's not their fault their mother is a boor, but this can serve as a lesson that you don't show up places uninvited and you don't bully people to get what you want. And just because people don't give in and give you what they want, doesn't make them mean monsters.

[Zizi-K]

And when you do turn the kids away from the door, maybe have some little token to soften the blow for each of the kids? Nothing elaborate.  A pretty wrapped cookie or a big candy cane, a goodie bag with crayons and a coloring book.  Just say, "I heard you guys were in town and I didn't get to see you for Christmas.  Here's something from Partner and me." And then wish them goodnight and shut the door.  No, it's not their fault their mother is a boor, but this can serve as a lesson that you don't show up places uninvited and you don't bully people to get what you want. And just because people don't give in and give you what they want, doesn't make them mean monsters.

As painful as calling in advance might be, I think it is much preferable to ignoring the situation and dealing with it only when they show up at the door, softening gift or no. When I have a party, I am often busy running around and am not always there to 'police' the door. Call in advance, avoid the drama and worry in the days leading up to the party by dealing head-on.

[Roses]

Grab your steel spine and just keep telling yourself that you are turning Amanda (and her horrid manners) away, not her Children.  You can love her children and still enforce your rules. I'd likely consider cutting back on contact with Amanda in the future if she disregards your request.

[wyliefool]

"Well, if you really think your kids would enjoy the stripper show, then sure, bring them along. But be warned, there'll be a female impersonator after that, and then a big ol' orgy"

 

Or, you know, fill in w/ other equally non-kid-oriented things, legal and illegal, as needed.

[Jones]

I am glad you are getting a heads up, unlike Margo with Claudia in another thread currently going on. (Was Margo Rude, I believe it's titled.) Might zip into there to read phrasing suggestions for turning away at the door, in case Amanda ignores you, your mother and her mother?