Yes, even your kid isn't invited. *Update Post #30* *Post-Party Update #71*

[peaches]

This is one of those rare situations where I would assume someone is about to do something rude and I'd be proactive. I'd call and discuss the issue directly with Amanda. I'd use some of the great phrases suggested above.

You could couch this call in terms of "I wanted to give you a heads up about the adults only nature of the party because I know you will need to get a sitter, and the party is in a few days."

[Kari]

Would it be poor etiquette to guilt Amanda right back? Say if the OP calls up Amanda and says "So I hear from our mothers that you intend to bring the kids to my adults-only party and force me into an uncomfortable situation. Aren't you my friend? Why would you want to do that knowing my feelings?"

[TootsNYC]

Call Amanda now. Remind her that the party is no kids. Tell her now that kids are not allowed and if she can't find other arrangements for her kids, you're sorry you won't be able to see her.

Is your party announced on FB? Write on the wall for the event (or send out a mass email) reminding everyone that once again, kids aren't allowed under any circumstances.

If she does show up, meet her at the door, with a script. "Oh, Amanda, how nice of you to stop by to say hi on your way...where are you going again?" Because obviously if she has her kids, she's just stopping by for a minute or two, you did say no kids. If she says this is where she was going, smile kindly. Laugh, if you can force one. "Oh, Amanda, I'm sorry. This is an adults only party, didn't you see all the posts about it? If you can find someone to watch the kids you're more than welcome to drop by later, though."

If the kids are old enough to understand they're not welcomed when they're turned away, they're old enough to understand that they're not welcomed when they're the only kids there, too. You're not doing them any favors by bending to Amanda's wishes and letting them come, they'll just be learning that you can do whatever you want no matter what anyone says.

Are your mom and Amanda's mom going to be at the party before Amanda is? If you really don't think you'll be able to stand firm and turn her away, have your mom and/or her mom over a bit early, and if Amanda shows up, your mom or her mom can be the ones to take her aside and turn her away. Heck, her mom can even use the line above. "Oh, Amanda how nice of you to stop by with the kids on your way to dinner. Hope you all have a good night at home!"

Do not bend. Do not cave. If you need your partner and your mom and Amanda's mom to run all the interference, have them do it, but don't let her trample all over your party. This is your party, it's your rules, and you're not doing anyone any kindness by letting it be taken over by Amanda and her kids.

I agree, tackle this head-on.
In fact, you can say, "Amanda, I hear that you are planning to bring your children to the party even though I've alerted everyone that it's a grownups-only party. And that you are counting on the idea that I won't want to hurt your kids' feelings by turning you all away.
   "That would be really, really unfair to me--I sure hope that's not the case.
   "But before you promise me you wouldn't try to take advantage of my fondness for your kids, let me point out to you a couple of things:
   "Many other friends are either not attending or are paying babysitters in order to enjoy a non-kid night. It's something they're looking forward to--if you bring your kids, you're messing that up for them.
   "Also, some of them would have brought their kids if they could--but I told them they couldn't. If you come with your kids, and I let them in, then my other friends will be mad at me, and it would be your fault.
   "So, given that I've heard this rumor, I have to say this to you: Unless you can promise me, in this conversation, that you will not bring your children to the party, then I will have to un-invite you."


I love Zizi-K's:

"You know, it sounds like you're going to have to skip the party altogether. This is a bit too much stress for me to handle to go back and forth with you like this, and for my own sanity I'm going to have to rescind the invitation. Hopefully we can catch up next time you're in town, and I hope you and the kids have a good NYE." It's not rude to do so when the guest has made it clear that they intend to take blatant advantage of your hospitality.

Define this for what it is. She is creating stress, she is creating drama, she is making this difficult.

[wolfie]

And when you do turn the kids away from the door, maybe have some little token to soften the blow for each of the kids? Nothing elaborate.  A pretty wrapped cookie or a big candy cane, a goodie bag with crayons and a coloring book.  Just say, "I heard you guys were in town and I didn't get to see you for Christmas.  Here's something from Partner and me." And then wish them goodnight and shut the door.  No, it's not their fault their mother is a boor, but this can serve as a lesson that you don't show up places uninvited and you don't bully people to get what you want. And just because people don't give in and give you what they want, doesn't make them mean monsters.

I don't know if I would do that, unless you were to give all the adults something to take home to their kids. It just seems to be a step towards rewarding folks who don't follow the rules. And honestly I bet the kids won't be angry with the OP anyway - they know it was their mom who overstepped.

[Miss March]

I would call Amanda and talk about this now. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to enjoy my party at all. I'd be anxious and on pins and needles, tying myself in knots about how things might play out. Honestly, it would really suck the fun out of the whole event, and this is supposed to be a good time!

[JenJay]

I agree with Toots. Call her right now and tell her you're aware of her plan and she can forget it. You adore her kids, however, NO kids are welcome at THIS party, hers included. Tell her she can either show up without them or stay home. Acknowledge that she's right, it would be hard for you to turn her kids away, which is why you've already rounded up a couple of friends who are more than happy to escort her out if she brings them anyway.

I thought about suggesting you give her a few reasons why she shouldn't bring them but she sounds like the type to argue -

They'd be bored
I'll bring them movies

My other friends will be upset
I called the ones I know and they don't mind. As for the rest just blame me!

I don't have any kid-friendly foods
I'll grab mcdonalds on my way over

Etc., etc. Just tell her "Don't you dare, or else!" and polish up your spine so you'll be ready to follow through.

[Calypso]

Would it be poor etiquette to guilt Amanda right back? Say if the OP calls up Amanda and says "So I hear from our mothers that you intend to bring the kids to my adults-only party and force me into an uncomfortable situation. Aren't you my friend? Why would you want to do that knowing my feelings?"

This. Having read other posts about your parties, I can understand why they're such catnip to everyone. You and your partner truly sound like the hostesses with the mostest.
Which makes me all the more furious at Amanda. Having enjoyed your excellent hospitality in the past, she feels entitled to abuse it now. I am SO ANGRY at this person I don't even know!
If you are enough of a friend to invite her, I think it is ENTIRELY fair to call her and say "Amanda, if you bring your kids, who I do adore, by the way, you will be effectively telling me you don't value our friendship. And if you don't respect me as a friend, why would I even want you here?"

[Phoebe]

^Everything cwm said.

The Amandas of the world get away with the bull[poop] they pull because they know they can count on other people's sense of decency to bail them out. Don't rescue her this time.

And do NOT be shy about letting her kids know that she brought them there knowing full well they were not invited. "Hey guys, it's great to see you. It was nice of your Mommy to bring you by to say Hello. I'll bet she's got something really fun planned for the three of you to do, since she didn't want to leave you with a sitter so she could stay here for the grown up party."

And then when Amanda says no, she's got nothing planned?  Or if she just takes them back home?  The kids are going to be terribly embarrassed and hurt.  That'd be cruel to say to the kids.  Please don't volunteer Amanda to do something "really special" with her kids like that.

[doodlemor]

I would just call Amanda directly with what you've heard through the grapevine. Don't go through your mothers. I like Mikayla's line about how this could affect your relationship with other friends who had the decency to keep the kids at home. I would just make it really clear that the kids are not invited. "Amanda, as I mentioned in my invitation, this is an adults-only party. I've heard you've been having trouble arranging for a babysitter. Is that right? Unfortunately, I cannot accomodate children at this party. Do you understand that?" If you get any push-back whatsoever, then just rescind her invitation. "You know, it sounds like you're going to have to skip the party altogether. This is a bit too much stress for me to handle to go back and forth with you like this, and for my own sanity I'm going to have to rescind the invitation. Hopefully we can catch up next time you're in town, and I hope you and the kids have a good NYE." It's not rude to do so when the guest has made it clear that they intend to take blatant advantage of your hospitality.

I like this.  Since Amanda seems so determinedly obtuse, I think that a very direct approach would be both appropriate and deserved.

I would call Amanda and talk about this now. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to enjoy my party at all. I'd be anxious and on pins and needles, tying myself in knots about how things might play out. Honestly, it would really suck the fun out of the whole event, and this is supposed to be a good time!

Yes to this, too.  Might as well get it over with.

[greencat]

^Everything cwm said.

The Amandas of the world get away with the bull[poop] they pull because they know they can count on other people's sense of decency to bail them out. Don't rescue her this time.

And do NOT be shy about letting her kids know that she brought them there knowing full well they were not invited. "Hey guys, it's great to see you. It was nice of your Mommy to bring you by to say Hello. I'll bet she's got something really fun planned for the three of you to do, since she didn't want to leave you with a sitter so she could stay here for the grown up party."

And then when Amanda says no, she's got nothing planned?  Or if she just takes them back home?  The kids are going to be terribly embarrassed and hurt.  That'd be cruel to say to the kids.  Please don't volunteer Amanda to do something "really special" with her kids like that.

I fully agree on calling Amanda ahead of time instead - not the least, because this statement was heard through the grapevine, and perhaps Amanda didn't mean the statement seriously.  Approach it from the context of "Our moms had mentioned you were having trouble getting a sitter.  I just wanted to get a final headcount and I wanted to check and make sure you had been able to make childcare arrangements to be able to attend my adults-only party."

[bah12]

Would it be poor etiquette to guilt Amanda right back? Say if the OP calls up Amanda and says "So I hear from our mothers that you intend to bring the kids to my adults-only party and force me into an uncomfortable situation. Aren't you my friend? Why would you want to do that knowing my feelings?"

I wouldn't go this route.  What is the point of playing games and doing the very thing the OP is upset about? (Eye for an eye way of solving problems rarely does anything other than cause more problems).  All the OP needs to do is be direct.  She already told Amanda no on the kids.  She can reiterate that directly and warn them she won't allow them in the party if Amanda insists on bringing them.  After that the only thing left to do is follow through. 

[TootsNYC]

That's why I suggested saying, "I've heard that you are planning on showing up with your kids in order to manipulate me and take advantage of my good nature."
  And, "I sure hope that's not true."

It puts her on notice, but it doesn't put the OP in the position of making an accusation. It's a pseudo accusation--asking for clarity.

[Amara]

OP, I agree with those who want to see you call Amanda now because the sooner you do it the sooner your discomfort and worry will be over.

Regardless of what you decide to do it sounds like you know you will have uncomfortable feelings. How long and what kind they are depends on the action or inaction you take. Confront Amanda in the way you prefer now and the situation will be dealt with and over sooner. Wait until she shows up and either deal with it then (at a time when you want to be having fun, not feeling upset) or noodle out and ride the resentment for however long it lasts.

You won't get out of this without at least some anxiety, fretfulness, dread, discomfort, guilt, resentment and/other feelings. Which specific ones and, more importantly, how long they last are in your hands. Do you want to handle it  now, proactively, or do you want to let it happen with no input from you? It's tough. I don't envy you the choice. But I suspect making no choice is going to end up being more unpleasant for you.

[gramma dishes]

Glitter ~~  New Year's Eve is coming up fast now.  Have you talked to Amanda about this yet?

[AnnaJ]

I chime in with the "call her now!" people.

What if she shows up with the kids and you aren't at the door to turn her away - another guest opens the door, your partner answers the bell - and by the time you see them she and the kids have coats off, perhaps are drinking or eating an appetizer?  Much more awkward than dealing with it ahead of time.