Author Topic: GMIL Birthday Mess  (Read 14046 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #75 on: January 13, 2014, 02:38:56 PM »
True, but if you never mention the "why," the person won't get much of a chance to change.

However, truly explaining the "why" in this instance is just going to smack of scolding.

I'd say, "We're not coming now; since the party was cancelled, it's not worth the trip." One reason. That's enough.


Mikayla

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #76 on: January 13, 2014, 04:29:51 PM »
I
PurpleyBlue you nailed it on the head there. Mikayla, SIL last text to me was: "So are you guys planning to call her directly to speak to her...she is SUPER mad!" I responded that I had no plans to myself, that's up to DH, but the reasons she's telling SIL she is mad are ridiculous. I told SIL that MIL isn't the 'gatekeeper' - who cares if she didn't know first?! SIL wrote back....wow, you're right!!!

Progress!  I really think this is the way to go.  You can't have a gatekeeper if someone removes the gate. 

TootsNYC

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #77 on: January 13, 2014, 04:34:08 PM »
More like, "a gatekeeper becomes irrelevant if people go around the wall completely, or if they keep knocking new doors and windows in it."

jedikaiti

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #78 on: January 13, 2014, 04:34:40 PM »
True, but if you never mention the "why," the person won't get much of a chance to change.

However, truly explaining the "why" in this instance is just going to smack of scolding.

I'd say, "We're not coming now; since the party was cancelled, it's not worth the trip." One reason. That's enough.

My thoughts as well.
"We're not coming."
"Why not?"
"We were coming for the party, which you cancelled. No party, no reason to travel."
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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Eden

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #79 on: January 13, 2014, 05:00:24 PM »
I think expecting MIL to change will end in disappointment. But that doesn't mean you don't have the conversation. You just need to change your expectation for the results. "MIL the party wasn't yours to change. I am hurt after all my work that you ruined our plans." Now as to what to do about the trip, you've already canceled plans, stick with it. Tell MIL directly you're not going but do not engage in any additional conversation. If she asks why "Because you ruined the plans which were our reason for the trip." End then do not discuss it further.

For future plans, I'd suggest not involving MIL at all until the last minute.

lastnightsdream

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #80 on: January 23, 2014, 06:34:19 PM »
This range of responses have been fascinating - thank you, especially to the people whose frustration I can read but managed to remain polite and not say things like 'use your words like a big girl.'

I'm afraid I am so frustrated at this point with recent updates I didn't even want to post them, but this is the reality of our situation.

DH called IL's prepared to have an honest discussion. By the time MIL grumpily got on the phone, he cowered. He stood by the lie he gave GMIL and told her we couldn't go because of work. She asked him to try and come before March to have this 'family dinner' while AIL was still in the country. He hung up, walked in the living room and said 'so...do you think we should go?'

Well. My head about exploded. I told him I needed time to respond to him because right then I was too angry and frankly confused and frustrated. A few days, and one large argument between us later, DH has now written actual notes down on paper, with categories, and is going to call his mother tonight and try again to have, what he hopes, will be an honest discussion about what happened and how he'd like their relationship to improve so all this nonesense stops.

I can't tell you how frustrating it is to see my handsome partner, so strong and confident (an executive financial CFO who manages hundreds of millions of dollars and staff), turn into ...well, the above, when dealing with his mom. Behind all this etiquette mess are absolutely deeper rooted issues he has to deal with.

We're not going. That is for sure (even if we wanted to at this point we can't due to work leave no longer being available). I think at this point the only thing that can be done is an honest discussion, and an attempt at addressing some of these larger issues.

Marbles

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #81 on: January 24, 2014, 03:44:40 AM »
That's a hard update to read, OP. My sympathies to you and your DH while you work on this. Good luck. I hope your DH is better able to stick to his script next time.

NyaChan

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #82 on: January 24, 2014, 08:28:17 AM »
((hugs))  I don't have a partner myself, but somehow when you guys post about moments like this (and man are there a lot of them!), it really bugs me that someone could be so cavalier about the decisions they've committed to with their significant other. 

Julsie

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #83 on: January 24, 2014, 09:26:59 AM »
Quote
Behind all this etiquette mess are absolutely deeper rooted issues he has to deal with.

Besides feeling bad for you, I feel for your husband, too.  We mustn't underestimate how hard it is for some people to embrace a new way of dealing with a toxic parent.

Awareness that there even is a problem is the first step and yay, your husband is there!  That's huge.  He wants to do things differently.  That is also huge.  He has more than half the battle won already.

The next step is to act on his awareness and wishes.  That can evoke all sorts of issues... fear, abandonment, guilt, etc...  I feel confident that he will get there because he knows that YOU are the loving, supportive one in his life.  Best wishes to you both on this tension filled journey.  (My husband and I have been there!)

GratefulMaria

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Re: GMIL Birthday Mess
« Reply #84 on: January 24, 2014, 12:09:15 PM »
DH and I have both had a lifelong journey learning to deal with our difficult parents while maintaining whatever we could of civility and our health.  It's been a tough road, and we've made many errors that required forgiving ourselves.  My best to both of you!

And I can't say enough good things about http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407