Guest Insists On Washing Wine Glasses

[lowspark]

Why haven't you just stopped her? Or at least taken the scrubby out of her hand and told her that it scratches the glasses?

If you can't stop her this year, take the scrubby completely out of the kitchen. Have appropriate cloths out in the open. When Sally starts in cleaning, just go into the kitchen, try to persuade her to leave and if she won't, hand her the correct cleaning cloth. If she asks for/looks for the scrubby, tell her the truth. That the scrubby scratches the glasses and you'd prefer her to use the cloth you've given her.

I have tried.  She won't take no for an answer.   I thought hiding it would work, but guess not.  Next year, I will have to remove it completely even though I had a soft cloth rag in plain sight.

I think you need to polish up your spine a bit. She isn't allowed to not take no for an answer when it comes to your belongings. I think next time this comes up you need to firmly tell her that you appreciate the desire to be helpful but you do not want her to wash them. If/when she argues, you'll have to be firm. You don't have to tell her she's doing it wrong; just tell her that you prefer to do it yourself and that you want her to stop.

This.
I don't know if this is ehell approved, so shoot me down if not, but I would have no qualms about gently taking this friend by the shoulders or by the elbow or by the hand and leading her away from the sink while saying, "Friend, I really really don't want you to wash the glasses." And adding your own quote, paraphrased: "I know [you are] honestly trying to help, but it really isn't."

I really dislike for people to come into my kitchen and start cleaning up. First of all, it's a party, and I don't want to be in the kitchen cleaning -- that's for afterward. And I especially don't want my guests doing it instead of enjoying my hospitality and the company! But in addition to that, just as is happening here, people who are not familiar with how I do things are inevitably going to do them "wrong". Wrong meaning, if it's in my kitchen, it's my way or it's wrong. I don't give a flip what people do in their own kitchens of course! And thirdly, I really don't want to help clean up (except in extraordinary circumstances) at someone else's house. So by that token, don't help at mine.

Honestly, you need to quit asking or pleading with her to stop. You need to tell her point blank with no ambiguity.

[TootsNYC]

Why haven't you just stopped her? Or at least taken the scrubby out of her hand and told her that it scratches the glasses?

If you can't stop her this year, take the scrubby completely out of the kitchen. Have appropriate cloths out in the open. When Sally starts in cleaning, just go into the kitchen, try to persuade her to leave and if she won't, hand her the correct cleaning cloth. If she asks for/looks for the scrubby, tell her the truth. That the scrubby scratches the glasses and you'd prefer her to use the cloth you've given her.

I have tried.  She won't take no for an answer.   I thought hiding it would work, but guess not.  Next year, I will have to remove it completely even though I had a soft cloth rag in plain sight.

How direct are you? Don't be "nice."

Don't say sutff like this:

you need to lather rinse repeat: "no, please leave the dishes and let's go back to the kitchen. no, really , leave them. Come, let's go find the coats".

if you can't then how about redirecting - "Sally, please don't wash the glasses. they go in the dishwasher. no, put the scrubbie down, i just stack them as is. thanks!"

Be very, very direct.

Don't make it be about how you don't want to trouble her. Make it a direct order. "Sally, those are my wineglasses. Please do not wash them with that scrubby---it is way too harsh for them. They are my glasses--if you want to help me, you need to wash them with this cloth right here."

But better yet, skip the scoldy parts and steer her. It's always nicer, and often more effective, to tell people something that you *do* want (glasses washed with *this* tool) and not what you don't want (you damaging my glasses by using the wrong tool).

It's easier to dig a new channel for a river than it is to stop it up completely.

Get a sponge that's appropriate for the glassware but that looks as much like the other scrubby as possible in terms of size and shape. Then directly ask her for help, instead of leaving it to be the sort of thing she would do "behind your back," so to speak. Say, "Sally, would you help me with the glasses again this year? That was really helpful. However, I need for you to use this sponge here, because it's appropriate for glassware. Last year I didn't have it, and you used the one that's intended for pots and pans, which is far too harsh. I want to keep them nice. It would be so helpful to have a few of them clean."

(I will say that since I'm used to using a scrubby sponge of some sort, I find it awkward to use a cloth; I fear I will break the glasses since the cloth is bulky, and it feels awkward. Maybe Sally is the same--so seize the thing she keeps wanting to do, and mimic it as much as possible.)

[VorFemme]

Gather up the scrubbies and anything else she might use except a clean rag (or brand new never been used soft sponge) and lock them in the trunk of your car before she gets there.  Keep the car key in your pocket. 

Get her spouse to distract her and tell her that you find that rubbing the glasses scratches them - so that they just don't come clean - so you're going to use the dishwasher, so that they don't get scratched.

I'd wonder if she was a card short of a deck, as it seems to be an odd obsession...

Really, scrubbing dishes with Ajax and using a harsh scrubby on the front of a new appliance?  The scratches.....

I had a friend whose family kept telling her to save the scraps (from scraping plates) "for the chickens" - except they didn't have either chickens or a dog....

Then her drunk MIL ran two crystal shot glasses through the garbage disposal "by accident" and she had to ban them from her kitchen entirely.  Shortly thereafter, there was a divorce and she banned them from her house.  Her ex- could have them visit him at the house he got in the divorce....she moved out.

[bloo]

Why haven't you just stopped her? Or at least taken the scrubby out of her hand and told her that it scratches the glasses?

If you can't stop her this year, take the scrubby completely out of the kitchen. Have appropriate cloths out in the open. When Sally starts in cleaning, just go into the kitchen, try to persuade her to leave and if she won't, hand her the correct cleaning cloth. If she asks for/looks for the scrubby, tell her the truth. That the scrubby scratches the glasses and you'd prefer her to use the cloth you've given her.

I have tried.  She won't take no for an answer.   I thought hiding it would work, but guess not.  Next year, I will have to remove it completely even though I had a soft cloth rag in plain sight.

Sally and I would be getting into fisticuffs then.  I don't mind help with cleaning but am annoyed with having to stop partying to direct the cleaning. And you will be directed if you take a scrubby to my Riedel wine and beer glasses.  They don't even go in my dishwasher as they are carefully washed by me and me only. If there is one thing my DH and I really love it is good quality drinking utensils and not just for alcohol either, we're stuffy with what we pour our coffee into as well. It's one luxury we've put our money in and it would a hardship to replace them.

Aside from properly cleaning them, I'd be annoyed if I broke them but at least I would not have to hide my irritation with myself as I would if you (general)  broke them.

I was very upset years ago when I saw a friend had 'helped' me by running a load of dishes in my dishwasher before she left that had several of my Wusthof knives and one of my All-Clad pans (finish NOT meant for dishwasher). After that party I became hypervigilant about directing friends that insisted on helping.

There is simply no way in Ehell that someone would succeed in being given the opportunity to damage my stuff in my house if I'm physically able to move and speak to put a stop to it.

[GreenEyedHawk]

My Aunt Sherri is super-pushy about helping too.  At Thanksgiving this year, my Aunt Barb hosted and when dinner was over (aside from the new lingerers over dessert) Aunt Sherri was in the kitchen like some combination of drill sergeant and tornado, furiously washing everything, dragging someone (me this time, unfortunately) into the kitchen with stern orders to start drying and leaving me bewildered with a stack of clean, dry stuff that I had NO idea where any of it went.  Meanwhile, my poor Aunt Barb (who is one of my favourite aunts and is a very timid, soft-spoken lady where Aunt Sherri is more like a freight train) w as wringing her hands and trying to insist that there was really no need for us to be washing the remaining dishes, since when the dishwasher was done she could run another load, but Aunt Sherri just was not having any of it.  There are a couple reasons I don't care so much for Aunt Sherri, and this is a big one.  She does this weird sort of bullying-under-the-guise-of-helpfulness, and I don't like it.  If she tried it in my house she would be firmly directed out of the kitchen and back to the party.  I like having guests but I am protective of my kitchen in particular. 

While I do believe it is polite to OFFER to help hosts of a party clean up or do dishes or what have you, if they say no, it's no.

[perpetua]

Agreed with everyone who says you need to be more direct and tell her why. It sounds like you're doing the 'oh you don't need to do that'/'it's no trouble'/'no really, you don't'/'no, i insist' dance, and Sally isn't realising why you don't want her to wash the glasses.

I use a sponge with a scrubby bit on the top of it to do all my dishes and I like it because the scrubby bit gets everything off and makes things clean. I don't have any posh wineglasses and neither have I ever had any, so it would never have occurred to me in a million years that something like this could damage them, in fact, I would have thought the scrubby bit was making them cleaner. I would also have thought that hand washing glasses was safer than putting them in a machine, like hand washing delicate items of laundry is. So Sally may have no idea that she's doing anything wrong here unless you tell her directly.

Failing that, can you not gather up the wineglasses yourself and put them in the dishwasher before she gets to them?

[bloo]

My Aunt Sherri is super-pushy about helping too.  At Thanksgiving this year, my Aunt Barb hosted and when dinner was over (aside from the new lingerers over dessert) Aunt Sherri was in the kitchen like some combination of drill sergeant and tornado, furiously washing everything, dragging someone (me this time, unfortunately) into the kitchen with stern orders to start drying and leaving me bewildered with a stack of clean, dry stuff that I had NO idea where any of it went.  Meanwhile, my poor Aunt Barb (who is one of my favourite aunts and is a very timid, soft-spoken lady where Aunt Sherri is more like a freight train) w as wringing her hands and trying to insist that there was really no need for us to be washing the remarining dishes, since when the dishwasher was done she could run another load, but Aunt Sherri just was not having any of it.  There are a couple reasons I don't care so much for Aunt Sherri, and this is a big one.  She does this weird sort of bullying-under-the-guise-of-helpfulness, and I don't like it.  If she tried it in my house she would be firmly directed out of the kitchen and back to the party.  I like having guests but I am protective of my kitchen in particular. 

While I do believe it is polite to OFFER to help hosts of a party clean up or do dishes or what have you, if they say no, it's no.

What would happen if you said,  "OK,  Aunt Barb," and walked out of the kitchen?

[BarensMom]

I think that once Sally ignored the cloth and went rummaging in your cupboard for the scrubby, that she'd be off your invitation list. 

Using the wrong scrubby for the glasses if it's in plain sight can be accidental, but by her hunting it down when there was something else in plain sight makes it appear as though she wants to damage your wine glasses.

Sign of a frenemy?

[perpetua]

I think that once Sally ignored the cloth and went rummaging in your cupboard for the scrubby, that she'd be off your invitation list. 

Using the wrong scrubby for the glasses if it's in plain sight can be accidental, but by her hunting it down when there was something else in plain sight makes it appear as though she wants to damage your wine glasses.

Sign of a frenemy?

I think that's taking it way too far. I'm sure there's no malice intended.

Sally probably thinks she's being helpful and the OP has never told her directly that she doesn't want her to wash the glasses. She's used the 'oh you don't have to do that' technique which hasn't got the message across because that isn't the problem. If the OP doesn't want Sally to wash the glasses she needs to tell her direct and tell her why. I wouldn't think a plain cloth was for washing dishes because that's not what I use and honestly I don't see how you can get residue off with a cloth. It wouldn't occur to me that a scrubby thing wouldn't be for washing up with or that it would damage glasses. Sally may be the same. It doesn't mean she's doing it maliciously.

[MrTango]

Tell her directly to stop washing the wine glasses.  If she asks why, tell her that you want them washed a certain way and will do so yourself.

If she ignores you, tell her that if she cannot respect such a small rule in your house, then you no longer feel you can invite her over.

[BarensMom]

I think that once Sally ignored the cloth and went rummaging in your cupboard for the scrubby, that she'd be off your invitation list. 

Using the wrong scrubby for the glasses if it's in plain sight can be accidental, but by her hunting it down when there was something else in plain sight makes it appear as though she wants to damage your wine glasses.

Sign of a frenemy?

I think that's taking it way too far. I'm sure there's no malice intended.

Sally probably thinks she's being helpful and the OP has never told her directly that she doesn't want her to wash the glasses. She's used the 'oh you don't have to do that' technique which hasn't got the message across because that isn't the problem. If the OP doesn't want Sally to wash the glasses she needs to tell her direct and tell her why. I wouldn't think a plain cloth was for washing dishes because that's not what I use and honestly I don't see how you can get residue off with a cloth. It wouldn't occur to me that a scrubby thing wouldn't be for washing up with or that it would damage glasses. Sally may be the same. It doesn't mean she's doing it maliciously.

I use a kitchen wash cloth for washing glasses and china.  So, if I personally saw something like that at hand, I would use that.  Besides, if Sally thinks that glasses should be washed, then she should know you don't use a dirty pot scrubber on them.  Even the sight of that (with crusty bits attached) would make any reasonable person go "euwww" and use or ask for something else.

I still think it's incredibly rude for Sally to go digging in OP's cupboard.  She could have asked OP, who could have reiterated that the glasses go in the dishwasher or to please use the provided cloth.

[doodlemor]

I'm late coming to this thread, but needed to think things through and not just ramble on in a state of righteous indignation on your behalf, sparksals.

Sally's behavior bothers me incredibly, and I don't even know the woman.  She is quite officious and rude, and needs to be put in her place - gently, if possible.  PP have offered many good suggestions.

I think that a good tactic here might be to say what needs to be said with a big smile, like Margo in this thread:

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=131664.0

If you aren't too annoyed to invite her again next year, then tell her firmly that it is unnecessary for her to wash the wine glasses, because they are going into the dishwasher.  If she still washes the things, and the only way to stop her would be illegal assault, then put the supposedly clean glasses she has washed into the dishwasher right in front of her.  If she protests, you can say, "Sorry, but I did warn you that they are going into the dishwasher."

[GreenEyedHawk]

My Aunt Sherri is super-pushy about helping too.  At Thanksgiving this year, my Aunt Barb hosted and when dinner was over (aside from the new lingerers over dessert) Aunt Sherri was in the kitchen like some combination of drill sergeant and tornado, furiously washing everything, dragging someone (me this time, unfortunately) into the kitchen with stern orders to start drying and leaving me bewildered with a stack of clean, dry stuff that I had NO idea where any of it went.  Meanwhile, my poor Aunt Barb (who is one of my favourite aunts and is a very timid, soft-spoken lady where Aunt Sherri is more like a freight train) w as wringing her hands and trying to insist that there was really no need for us to be washing the remarining dishes, since when the dishwasher was done she could run another load, but Aunt Sherri just was not having any of it.  There are a couple reasons I don't care so much for Aunt Sherri, and this is a big one.  She does this weird sort of bullying-under-the-guise-of-helpfulness, and I don't like it.  If she tried it in my house she would be firmly directed out of the kitchen and back to the party.  I like having guests but I am protective of my kitchen in particular. 

While I do believe it is polite to OFFER to help hosts of a party clean up or do dishes or what have you, if they say no, it's no.

What would happen if you said,  "OK,  Aunt Barb," and walked out of the kitchen?

I did pretty much this, removing myself from the situation because while I can't control Aunt Sherri and her bulldozer attitude (though I sincerely think SHE thinks she's being helpful and efficient) I can control what I do and I can respect the wishes of the host, which were to leave the kitchen cleaning alone.  Aunt Sherri just carried on, occasionally huffing at me because I'm sure she thought I was being lazy and leaving a job half-done.

[NyaChan]

This isn't a situation where just telling her not to wash the glasses or to rejoin the guests is going to help.  In her mind, she thinks you are making the necessary polite noises while she is being the awesome guest by seeing that you really do need the help that you can't ask for. 

Instead, be honest - "Sally what you are doing will ruin my glasses.  If you insist on helping -which I would much rather you didn't - you have to use this." and then hand her the appropriate washing tool. 

This is also a situation where I would have no trouble taking the glass from her hand so that she has to actually stop and listen and say, "Sally - I am serious. I am not trying to be polite by telling you to go back to the party.  You need to stop." I would also probably put my arm around her if it was the kind of friend who is comfortable with that contact and steer her away from the sink.

[peaches]

Gather up the scrubbies and anything else she might use except a clean rag (or brand new never been used soft sponge) and lock them in the trunk of your car before she gets there.  Keep the car key in your pocket. 

This made me laugh!  Too funny.

OP you have said that this person won't take no for an answer. The reason some people don't take no for an answer is because the person saying no backs down. Don't back down!

Just say "Really, I mean NO. I won't have my glasses washed in that way. Let's join the rest of the party."

This is your home, these are your things. It's rude of her to ignore your wishes.