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  • February 19, 2017, 09:27:41 AM

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Author Topic: Including/not offending people when eloping?  (Read 1211 times)

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2017, 03:33:36 AM »
Wow thanks for all the responses, guys, you are amazing. I should probably clarify a few things. We are on the other side of the world, it costs thousands for one person to travel here and back, so certainly I don't want to invalidate their feelings on it and would not say to them that it is just signing a piece of paper, but we are uncomfortable obliging his family to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on travelling for something that is not a ceremony, especially when we are not in a financial position to contribute to that. (I don't have any immediate family myself, so it is less an issue for me). Other thing to make things interesting, I can't go back to that country, so letting them throw us a party there is not an option either.

TurtleDove: Yeah you are right about that, however you choose to do it, there will always be people who think that you are getting married "at" them some how, you are a bit doomed with that no matter what. I am just trying to be as warm and compassionate as I can while also not throwing a big white wedding we can't afford and don't want.

gramma dishes: I left that up to my fiance because they are his family after all, he thinks telling them the week before is better.

Mustard: For sure that would make sense if it wasn't such a big distance/expense

Kaypeep: I get this approach too, but the distance and the differences make it easier to be misunderstood. We are settling here, and so it is much harder to get back to a comfortable rapport, which is why I want to try and be proactive and inclusive.

SamiHami: I laughed at your tigers. I don't know that they are so tigerish. If we could be in the same place as them, for sure I'd want to include them, I am just looking for a ways to do that without the prohibitive cost. It is interesting how new dilemmas like these are really, my grandmother moved to another continent to elope with my grandfather, there would have been no way for family to be present at all, and it was not considered a snub, the big wedding with everyone there is mostly a new concept really.

Hmmmmm: Yes! That is exactly what I was trying to do, thank you. But yeah, the party in their country isn't an option. The flowers are a great idea though, thanks for that.

RedneckGravy: Ditto!

Harriet Jones: Well that is terrifying. The timing is a bit impossible really. We don't want to seem like we are going behind their backs and want to make them feel included but yeah, we also don't want them to try that (although I think that is why my fiance thought the week before because probably the tickets would be absolutely impossible then)

Deetee: Thank you for the affirmations! Certainly I wouldn't want to invalidate their feelings if they saw it that way, but in our case, there are a lot of extenuating circumstances, it's not a decision that has anything to do with them personally. Do you think you would have been better if your father had spend some one on one time with you beforehand to show you you are important to him and he values your relationship? Zero issues with it coming from my fiance, he is amazing and never just expects me to do all the emotional labour with his family just because I am the woman, we are very much a team.

gellchom: I mean it is a very memorable acronym, and what better one if you are looking to redress a faux pas :) The distance stuff comes into this, his grandmothers would be completely unable to travel (another reason why we didn't want people to travel, it disproportionately excludes our loved ones with less money and disabilities.) It's not that they are not important to us, or their presence is not important, but yeah, if they spent thousands of dollars to get here, that does illicit a certain amount of expectation we are in no kind of position to fulfil. This is why we want to use everything we can to include them without that. That is a good script

artk2002: This is why I am looking to include them in the first place, but include them within our means, trying to be practical and thoughtful, rather than having a set idea of what it should be. Maybe that is naive, but this is what I'm going for.

Thanks so much again everyone :) You're all epic.


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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2017, 09:16:46 AM »
For a different perspective, I come from a family that either elopes, elopes with notice or has a teeny-tiny wedding.  It may be the military heritage (people getting married on leave from war or their overseas base) but no one in my family feels "snubbed" when a couple marries this way.  The "snubby" feeling comes when a member of the family has a huge blow-out and certain people for whatever reason are not invited.

You say you cannot travel back to your DF's country, where his family lives, which is thousands of miles away.  Well, that kinda puts paid to a big wedding where his family is, yes?  If you don't have the money to host a wedding where you live now, why would you invite anyone at all?  Most people will feel a bit hurt, but will come to realize that you two did the only thing you can do, get married and announce it later.

My advice would be to get married and tell the family after the fact. 

Best wishes for a long and happy marriage.


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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #17 on: February 09, 2017, 11:28:21 PM »
If df does tell them a week early and if they do buy tickets and show up, what will you do? Will it change your plans, will you feel like you need to host them with a dinner?  Can you afford to do this?  Will they push for a different ceremony?  I know you say the tickets are thousands so they probably won't come, but you never know.

I agree with getting married and then telling them afterwards.  Have the ceremony you want, the celebration that you want.

When you tell them, don't be apologetic. SamiHami had a good suggestion  "Hey guess what! We are MARRIED! We just knew the moment was right, so we went for it. It was so romantic, just the two of us..."


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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2017, 01:05:55 PM »
I agree with the previous poster that this is really your fiancÚ's job to settle with his family. Your job is to settle with yours. Otherwise you'll become what Miss Manners described as "poor dear Franklin and that girl." The girl who bears all the blame for "poor dear Franklin" not doing the right thing (whatever his family thinks the right thing is).

This is another part of "beginning as you mean to go on." It's not your job as the female partner to manage all the emotional/social issues of your union. Even more than housekeeping and bills, this chore should be split fairly.

If you can speak to your family members openly about why this choice worked for you, it will likely cause less fireworks than little gift packages.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."