Author Topic: How many times do you invite someone?  (Read 4372 times)

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half_dollars

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How many times do you invite someone?
« on: January 02, 2014, 10:40:05 PM »
I'm not sure if this is in the right place, so please move it if needed.

I understand, and totally agree, that, after inviting someone to do something a number of times, and they always decline, you stop offering invites.

How many times do you try before you stop?

Does your answer change depending on circumstances?  Why/why not?  e.g., you recently moved and are trying to meet people, offering a meal after someone has a baby or operation, planning play dates for your kiddos

Does your answer change depending on the person?  Why/why not?  e.g., inlaws, extended family, spouse/SO's friends, kiddos' friends

I'd live to read people's responses and experiences.  I often wonder if "this" should be my last time extending an invite and then second guess myself because maybe they had a really valid reason, especially since life in general seems to be so busy.  Then again, I sometimes wish someone would get the hint when I say "no" so they would stop asking me to do something.

quietgirl

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2014, 10:48:15 PM »
Three is my number.  This is for someone I've never hung out with before and/or am attempting to develop a friendship with.  I figure if someone declines 3 invitations for different events on different days then it's more than just a scheduling issue.  It may be that they don't want to develop a deeper relationship with me or that we are just in different places in our lives and a deeper relationship just won't work at this time.  No animosity, no hurt feelings.   I consider it me taking the hint. 

For someone who's an established friend or a family member, I have no rules.  I'll keep on asking until we can figure out a time to meet.  Of course, if it's seems needlessly difficult I may at some point put the ball in that person's court and tell them to let me know when they're free. 

Zizi-K

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2014, 10:55:05 PM »
My number is 2. You ask once, they can't do it, and I'll take whatever reason they give at face value. Second time, same thing.

However, after two invitations, the ball is in their court to propose an alternative. "Sorry I can't make coffee Tuesday, but do you want to see the exhibition at the museum Sunday?" If they decline without expressing any interest to make other plans after two times that I've reached out, I consider that to be a sign that they're not interested in a friendship/relationship. Family might be different, but in my case family relations are pretty straightforward so I don't spend any time thinking about what an invitation decline meant.

Deetee

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2014, 11:00:53 PM »
It depends but my hard rule is that if I issue three invites with no acceptance or reciprocation I will stop asking.

Raintree

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2014, 11:33:43 PM »
My number is 2. You ask once, they can't do it, and I'll take whatever reason they give at face value. Second time, same thing.

However, after two invitations, the ball is in their court to propose an alternative. "Sorry I can't make coffee Tuesday, but do you want to see the exhibition at the museum Sunday?" If they decline without expressing any interest to make other plans after two times that I've reached out, I consider that to be a sign that they're not interested in a friendship/relationship. Family might be different, but in my case family relations are pretty straightforward so I don't spend any time thinking about what an invitation decline meant.

Exactly. And if I'm the person who is declining, but I do want to pursue a friendship/relationship, I try to offer an alternative get together or at least make sure I take the initiative to invite THEM somewhere. I don't if I am not interested.

purple

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2014, 01:50:55 AM »
It's so timely that this comes up, because just last week I decided to not continue to pursue a friendship with somebody in these circumstances.

I had made plans with her several times and she always backed out at the last minute!  I mean, at least half a dozen times.  Actually, it wasn't always me inviting her either.  Sometimes, she would invite me to somewhere and then still back out at the last minute.  It was incredibly frustrating because she was actually showing an interest by inviting me to places, but then cancelling at the last minute.  I would still sometimes see her at group events too (we have some mutual friends) and she was always very friendly towards me.  I'm not sure whether it was that she didn't want to pursue a friendship with me after all or whether it is that she just lives a very hectic and stressful life that is full of domestic relationship problems (which I know is an issue in her life right now).

Normally my number is also 2 declines before I just say to the person 'well, let me know when you're free' but with her it went on far longer than that because the invites were always going both ways.

Anyway, I have no hard feelings against her, whatever her reasons she owes me no explanation.  I've unfriended her on FB, deleted her number from my phone and moved on.

blarg314

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2014, 02:34:47 AM »

It depends a bit on circumstances.

A specific invite - like an invitation to dinner - maybe twice. A more general invite of the "Hey, we're going to the pub, want to come alon" might be extended a number of times.

It also depends on how someone responds. If someone is giving signs that they really are interested, but can't make it, I'll try more often then if the first invitation is met with a blunt NO.

Perfect Circle

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2014, 03:59:54 AM »
It depends on some circumstances - but overall three times to a bigger party, twice to a small get together.

If someone has a lot of things going on in their life I am more understanding, but if it is a can't be bothered thing I take the hint very quickly.

If someone says yes and does not turn up without a call or a message before or after the event there won't be another invitation.
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Bethalize

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2014, 04:14:47 AM »
Three. Once because I like them, once because everyone is busy and I'm happy to take that initiative, and once more in case they simply were busy the last two times. After that it's their turn to propose something.

There are lots of people who like me perfectly well and if they had unlimited time and resources would happily spend them with me, but who don't like me enough to prioritise me in their lives as they stand. I understand, but I'm not going to continually invest in someone who doesn't value me, my time and resources are limited too. So after three invites  - two more than I think it should need to be - the ball is in their court.

DollyPond

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2014, 09:18:37 AM »
OK here's a twist on the situation….

What if your friends keep inviting you to things they KNOW (or have to know) you can't attend?

I have a 9 to 5 (often longer) job.  Two friends of mine who are retired ask me to go to events DURING my work time. Such as a 10 AM hike, two hour lunch, 2 PM matinee, etc.  They always seem shocked that i can't just drop what i'm doing at work and go out to "play" with them.  They then get annoyed that I'm putting my job ahead of fun. Ummmm, I'd get fired if I did what they suggest.

What do you do then instead of declining all of the time?

Hmmmmm

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2014, 09:25:36 AM »
OK here's a twist on the situation….

What if your friends keep inviting you to things they KNOW (or have to know) you can't attend?

I have a 9 to 5 (often longer) job.  Two friends of mine who are retired ask me to go to events DURING my work time. Such as a 10 AM hike, two hour lunch, 2 PM matinee, etc.  They always seem shocked that i can't just drop what i'm doing at work and go out to "play" with them.  They then get annoyed that I'm putting my job ahead of fun. Ummmm, I'd get fired if I did what they suggest.

What do you do then instead of declining all of the time?

That's odd. But I'd invite them to do something on the weekend or after work. If they never want to do things that works for your schedule and only invite you to things that they know you can't attend, I'd take it as a sign they didn't really want me to join them for these activities.

lowspark

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2014, 09:31:22 AM »
I don't have a hard & fast number of times. I don't really know that I specifically keep count. It's more a case of judging the situation. Just in the tone of the reply or the seeming sincerity (or lack thereof) in the reply.

But what I always do is explicitly state: the ball is now in your court. Maybe not in those specific words but I just let them know that I'd still like to get together but that I leave it up to them to initiate. Most times it dies right there. OK, they didn't want to, fine. But in fact, I've had a situation where the person did initiate, years later! I was fine with it and now we're good friends. Sometimes people just have things going on and have to connect in their own time.

I've been on the reverse of this too, where I really was busy every time and couldn't make the dates I was invited. So then yeah, I take it upon myself to propose a get together at another time.

EllenS

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2014, 10:28:14 AM »
OK here's a twist on the situation….

What if your friends keep inviting you to things they KNOW (or have to know) you can't attend?

I have a 9 to 5 (often longer) job.  Two friends of mine who are retired ask me to go to events DURING my work time. Such as a 10 AM hike, two hour lunch, 2 PM matinee, etc.  They always seem shocked that i can't just drop what i'm doing at work and go out to "play" with them.  They then get annoyed that I'm putting my job ahead of fun. Ummmm, I'd get fired if I did what they suggest.

What do you do then instead of declining all of the time?

In that case, if I really did want to see them I would immediately suggest -at the same time as saying "no" to the initial request, a time when I am free.

"Sorry, I can't do a 2 hour lunch, but I can meet you at Chez Lulu for a quick bite at 12:30."
"Nope, as you know I can't leave work for a 10am hike, but I could go on Saturday."

As far as "how many times", I don't keep a count of stuff like that, but I find it just sort of naturally happens that I am tired of trying and don't want to bother, or I never see them anyway and just forget to invite them, or start automatically assuming they can't come.
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Bethalize

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2014, 11:46:31 AM »
OK here's a twist on the situation….

What if your friends keep inviting you to things they KNOW (or have to know) you can't attend?

I have a 9 to 5 (often longer) job.  Two friends of mine who are retired ask me to go to events DURING my work time. Such as a 10 AM hike, two hour lunch, 2 PM matinee, etc.  They always seem shocked that i can't just drop what i'm doing at work and go out to "play" with them.  They then get annoyed that I'm putting my job ahead of fun. Ummmm, I'd get fired if I did what they suggest.

What do you do then instead of declining all of the time?

Well, you might have the day off one day. What's worse? Never being invited or never being able to accept?

Invite them to something. See how that goes. If they only want to do things on their times and their terms you know where you are.

MrTango

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Re: How many times do you invite someone?
« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2014, 11:56:25 AM »
I think it depends on what sort of relationship I have with the person/people I'm inviting.  For a new acquaintence, I'll give then 1 or 2.

If someone says that they'll be there and then stands me up, I stop inviting them to anything for a while (no specific length of time, usually about as long as it takes me to no longer be annoyed when I think of the time they stood me up).