Author Topic: People asking the hostess for rides?  (Read 3727 times)

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gen xer

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2014, 01:34:54 PM »
 I sure wouldn't want to set that precedent.  There may be rare occasions I would agree to it but as a rule you figure out your own transportation and darn it....you don't ask others for what you should be doing yourself.  The hostess is going to be busy  hosting and I can't see where there would be time for chauffeuring.

I guess my first question would be "why"?  Why can't you get here?  If ( big if ) it was a rare request in an unusual situation ( best friend's car broke down and they are only a few minutes out ) then maybe...but otherwise forget it.  It's asking a lot.

kherbert05

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #16 on: January 03, 2014, 01:35:53 PM »
I guess in part it is because I live in Houston, where every over 16 pretty much drives. I've never had this happen with the exception of elderly relatives, under 16s who were coming to a famiiy party but the parent's were not or were coming later, or unexpected car break down.

With my paternal grandmother she was located between our house and Aunt's house. So we picked her up for events at Aunt's and Aunt's family picked her up for events at ours. (unless she was co-hosting, then she would come early and stay the night).

Under 16's wasn't often an issue.

Thanksgiving my battery went dead. Sis and BIL swung by and picked me up eventhough it was out of their way. On the way home Sis dropped BIL and the kids off and took me home.
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crankycat

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #17 on: January 03, 2014, 06:53:14 PM »
As an adult who doesn't drive, I wouldn't even think of calling to ask the hosts for a ride.  I either take the bus and/or a cab.  And I do take into consideration how long the commute, if I can get home later in the evening, or how much the cab will cost when I RSVP.  Rarely, I will ask friends who are going for a ride, since not many live that close to me.  This means that I have missed out on parties that would have been fun to attend.

I host two larger parties a year plus many smaller (8-12 people) dinners.  Even if I did drive, I can't image stopping what I am doing in regards to party prep to pick someone up.  As I said, there are buses that go right by my house.

Dragonflymom

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #18 on: January 04, 2014, 03:17:25 PM »
Thanks everyone for all the replies!  :)

I'm glad to see there is a consensus that asking me for rides, especially at the last minute, is at least kind of entitled, and I'm not sending some kind of message that I don't really want the person there if I follow my first inclination and say no it's not really going to work.  I had wondered if this was some kind of generational thing, as this asking for rides to parties does seem to be the norm for some of the younger members of my social circle (it's happened a lot to other friends who were hosting as well), though it's always felt off to me, but judging from the consensus it seems this isn't the case.

I've told the individuals in question about how close we are to the bus stop and the transit hub, but it didn't seem to make a difference.  It's like they didn't want to have to go through the effort.

It was a good point about people who do this probably not hosting themselves or knowing what's involved.  None of the people who've done this to me have ever reciprocated any of my invitations, which I guess sends its own message and I'm in the clear anyways to stop inviting them.

I can understand if it were somebody ailing or elderly, and in that case would have tried to make arrangements in advance to get them to my place if they needed help, but these are people who I know routinely use public transportation for other things, and younger than me and at least as healthy.
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Winterlight

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #19 on: January 04, 2014, 09:33:36 PM »
Other than, "Sally, I'm halfway to your house and my car just died. I'm calling a tow, is there someone who could come get me?" I think asking your hosts to drop everything and play chauffeur is rude, especially at the last minute.
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Sophia

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #20 on: January 05, 2014, 09:19:30 AM »
Other than, "Sally, I'm halfway to your house and my car just died. I'm calling a tow, is there someone who could come get me?" I think asking your hosts to drop everything and play chauffeur is rude, especially at the last minute.

Yup, that is about the only way I would arrange a ride for a guest at my party. 

Also, from the latest update "I've told the individuals in question about how close we are to the bus stop and the transit hub, but it didn't seem to make a difference.  It's like they didn't want to have to go through the effort."   Anyone else notice this?  Guest isn't willing to take the bus because it is too much effort.  But, someone making two roundtrips to get them to and from the party, that isn't too much effort?

Dragonflymom

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #21 on: January 05, 2014, 01:19:50 PM »
Other than, "Sally, I'm halfway to your house and my car just died. I'm calling a tow, is there someone who could come get me?" I think asking your hosts to drop everything and play chauffeur is rude, especially at the last minute.

Yup, that is about the only way I would arrange a ride for a guest at my party. 

Also, from the latest update "I've told the individuals in question about how close we are to the bus stop and the transit hub, but it didn't seem to make a difference.  It's like they didn't want to have to go through the effort."   Anyone else notice this?  Guest isn't willing to take the bus because it is too much effort.  But, someone making two roundtrips to get them to and from the party, that isn't too much effort?

Wow I had never thought about it that way til you spelled it out like that.  It just felt like a social norm in one part of my social circle that I vaguely resented.
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Winterlight

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #22 on: January 06, 2014, 12:02:16 PM »
I don't have a car. That means I have to work out my own transportation to get where I want to go. If they say, "We'll get you at the metro station," as my friends who don't have a bus route near them and live in a less salubrious area are wont to do, great. Otherwise, it's on me to figure out how to get places.
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bah12

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #23 on: January 06, 2014, 12:09:26 PM »
I think there's a timing issue.  Calling you five minutes before guests arrive for a ride is an unreasonable request. 

Letting you know in the RSVP that there is a transportation issue and asking if there's anything you are willing to do to help is not unreasonable.  It's communication.  I'd rather have a potential guest tell me a specific reason for not coming...especially if it's a problem I can help solve, then just get turned down outright.  I have had no problem in the past, sending my DH to pick someone up...or even asking a mutual friend who lives on the way if they mind picking somoene up.

I also think that calling a host the day of the party to let them know an unexpected transportation issue has come up is just good manners.  As a host, I still might have some resources at my disposal to help them out.  And while it might be an unexpected issue or a 'kink' in my plans, I really don't chalk it up to much more than "that's life".

There are unreasonable, entitled people in this world.  But I don't think that just because some people out there are poor planners, bad friends, SS, whatever, means that it's rude for all people to have legitimate problems that they couldn't avoid and ask for help.  If the problem is that you have a hard time saying 'no', then you need to work on that problem.   And if you have 'friends' that are consistently in need and seem too expectant, then stop inviting them to parties.  As long as the requester can accept 'no' for an answer, then I don't see a problem with asking the question.

Dragonflymom

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #24 on: January 06, 2014, 02:45:25 PM »
In the case of the friends who did this to me, I offered to pick them up at the transit hub (I knew they often took public transportation, and my husband routinely takes public transportation between their area and the transit hub and says it's pretty easy).  The calls would be an hour before the event was to start.  If I'd been asked earlier, I could have arranged to pick her up earlier, gotten her to help me with clean up and preparations, and it wouldn't have been such a scramble.  Or had time to figure out bus routes for her.

Nor was it a last minute emergency, which I would have totally understood.  Instead it was a decision to loan her car to relatives and rely on public transportation for awhile, and not get around to getting the car back before my party or ask the relatives borrowing the car for a ride.

Very few friends have done this to me, just friends of the entitled friend from my girls night thread in the hugs section.  I'm starting to think there is an issue with entitlement in this particular group of friends, that I really haven't seen in any of my other friends.  Several in this group have made really demanding requests about food, then there is the ride thing in this thread, and a lack of reciprocation in hosting and kind of in general in the friendships, that I have not experienced from others.
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bah12

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #25 on: January 06, 2014, 03:06:12 PM »
In the case of the friends who did this to me, I offered to pick them up at the transit hub (I knew they often took public transportation, and my husband routinely takes public transportation between their area and the transit hub and says it's pretty easy).  The calls would be an hour before the event was to start.  If I'd been asked earlier, I could have arranged to pick her up earlier, gotten her to help me with clean up and preparations, and it wouldn't have been such a scramble.  Or had time to figure out bus routes for her.

Nor was it a last minute emergency, which I would have totally understood.  Instead it was a decision to loan her car to relatives and rely on public transportation for awhile, and not get around to getting the car back before my party or ask the relatives borrowing the car for a ride.

Very few friends have done this to me, just friends of the entitled friend from my girls night thread in the hugs section.  I'm starting to think there is an issue with entitlement in this particular group of friends, that I really haven't seen in any of my other friends.  Several in this group have made really demanding requests about food, then there is the ride thing in this thread, and a lack of reciprocation in hosting and kind of in general in the friendships, that I have not experienced from others.

Yes. I agree there is a problem with certain people and entitlement.  And it seems that these 'friends' take advantage of your good nature.  Just remember that just because someone asks for something, doesn't obligate you to give it to them.  Even if the request is reasonable (which last minutes demands are not), doesn't make it rude for you to say "no".  If you can't help, you can't help.  You should never have to look up bus routes for someone who is capable of looking up bus routes on their own.  I might be willing to help someone do it if I knew they were having a hard time and/or were intimidated by public transit, but I certainly wouldn't feel obligated or do it for someone just because they didn't want to do it for themselves.

Ms_Cellany

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #26 on: January 06, 2014, 04:20:02 PM »
Other than, "Sally, I'm halfway to your house and my car just died. I'm calling a tow, is there someone who could come get me?" I think asking your hosts to drop everything and play chauffeur is rude, especially at the last minute.

I was once halfway between Dallas and Fort Worth en route to a party in FW when I got a migraine aura and lost half my vision. I pulled into a restaurant parking lot, called the hostess, and asked for a ride. Her husband came and got me, and drove me back to my truck after the party (the episodes last about 2 hours).

Nothing like saying, in essence, "Hey, I've gone blind. Can someone pick me up?" to get fast attention!
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Winterlight

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #27 on: January 07, 2014, 09:40:27 AM »
Other than, "Sally, I'm halfway to your house and my car just died. I'm calling a tow, is there someone who could come get me?" I think asking your hosts to drop everything and play chauffeur is rude, especially at the last minute.

I was once halfway between Dallas and Fort Worth en route to a party in FW when I got a migraine aura and lost half my vision. I pulled into a restaurant parking lot, called the hostess, and asked for a ride. Her husband came and got me, and drove me back to my truck after the party (the episodes last about 2 hours).

Nothing like saying, in essence, "Hey, I've gone blind. Can someone pick me up?" to get fast attention!

OK, that counts too!
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Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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Emmy

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #28 on: January 07, 2014, 03:31:50 PM »
Other than, "Sally, I'm halfway to your house and my car just died. I'm calling a tow, is there someone who could come get me?" I think asking your hosts to drop everything and play chauffeur is rude, especially at the last minute.

Yup, that is about the only way I would arrange a ride for a guest at my party. 

Also, from the latest update "I've told the individuals in question about how close we are to the bus stop and the transit hub, but it didn't seem to make a difference.  It's like they didn't want to have to go through the effort."   Anyone else notice this?  Guest isn't willing to take the bus because it is too much effort.  But, someone making two roundtrips to get them to and from the party, that isn't too much effort?

I've noticed that.  Some people seem entitled to think of other people's time/effort/money as less valuable than their own.  I would be totally put off if a guest made this request unless it was extenuating circumstances.  A request for a ride for a party I am hosting would be met with suggestions of taking public transportation or possibly getting a ride with another guest if that person lives on the way.  If those options don't work or they don't want to go through the effort, I'd just tell them I'm sorry they can't make it to the party this time.  If they don't want to go through the effort to get to the party without putting the host out, they should decline the invitation.  Hosting is a lot of work and even when I plan ahead, there are still a lot of things to do and set up last minute.  Hosting is draining and the last thing I would want to do is drive somebody home at the end of the night.  It sounds like the OP's friends want her to put in 95% of the effort in the friendship. 


Mikayla

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #29 on: January 08, 2014, 01:37:59 PM »
It was a good point about people who do this probably not hosting themselves or knowing what's involved.  None of the people who've done this to me have ever reciprocated any of my invitations, which I guess sends its own message and I'm in the clear anyways to stop inviting them.


Reading through the whole thread just now, when lowspark asked this, I thought it was a great question and I was curious to see if you'd caught it. 

It's a stretch to proclaim all these people as SS's, but there's a pretty big sense of entitlement if you were put on earth to feed, entertain and transport them!