Author Topic: People asking the hostess for rides?  (Read 3733 times)

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Dragonflymom

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People asking the hostess for rides?
« on: January 03, 2014, 10:10:15 AM »
This came up in another thread, and has happened to me a few times.

I've usually felt very put on the spot when it happened, as people would call at the last minute and request rides from me for an event that I'm hosting.  It's hard to say no because then it feels like I'm saying I don't really want them there.  Yet it makes me really have to scramble around to get food prep and last minute clean up done and makes hosting things stressful and miserable.

These requests have always come from those about 10 years younger, so it's made me wonder if this was just a new thing and I was behind the times, but from others' responses in the thread apparently this is not the case and those requests are rude?  The requests certainly do feel entitled to me, as it seems to me that those who are choosing to not have cars are choosing to figure out public transportation, and last minute calls to the hostess an hour before an event is to start don't seem to fit with that.

The very odd thing is we live a mile away from a large regional transit hub where buses come from all over the metro area, and 2 blocks away from a bus stop.

How do I handle these requests without feeling like a big meanie?  For now I've cut way back on hosting, and stopped inviting some people who otherwise I would have enjoyed having over, but that feels like kind of a coward's way out.
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camlan

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2014, 10:27:54 AM »
Well, just because they ask doesn't mean you have to help them out.

Barring an emergency, adults know how to get where you live. They know they will need a car or will need to take public transportation. I could see a call an hour before the party if a car suddenly stopped working, or they'd sprained an ankle and couldn't deal with public transportation. (And even then, the guest should be asking if there's any other guest who might be able to help out, not expect the host to drop everything and come and get them. And ferry them home at the end of a long evening, as well.) But otherwise, a guest should expect to get to the host's house on their own.

If a guest knows ahead of time that they can't get there on their own, then they can contact the host *ahead* of time and ask for alternatives--taxis, public transport, etc.

As a host, if someone called me an hour before the party started and asked for a ride, I'd tell them the truth. "I'm busy. I'm afraid I can't give you a lift. The 79 bus stops two blocks from my house, if you go to the transit website, you can get a map from your place and they'll tell you the fare and the time it will take."

And if they don't come after that, it is not the host choosing to not have them attend. It is their own choice to not attend my party. Why did they accept the invitation without first making sure they would be able to get there?
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


BarensMom

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2014, 10:29:54 AM »
That doesn't make sense to me.  You're hosting a party (as in the other thread), and someone expects you to leave your guests to transport him/her?  Sounds like a special snowflake to me.   Nuh-uh, if he/she can't get there on their own power, too bad.

Lorelei_Evil

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2014, 10:35:13 AM »
I think it's why I don't get invited to family functions anymore.  They know I'll need a ride as I can't drive, so they just don't invite me to things.  I rarely ask for rides.  If I can't get there via my own arrangements I decline the invitation.  I'm not afraid or too cheap to use transit though.  I've never gotten around any other way. 

My family is different though.  They WON'T use transit because they have cars.  Full stop.  They won't even walk a block without whining about it.  If they're going to want to drink and party, they pressure someone to come pick them up.  They flat out refuse to take the bus,

All you can do is be polite and firmly live your boundaries.  I don't think modifying your guest list is being a coward at all.  If they really wanted to come, they could make it happen without the hostess playing taxi driver.



SamiHami

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2014, 10:43:31 AM »
You are not a meanie for saying no. Actually, anyone expecting you to chauffeur them around while preparing for a party/event is a special snowflake. All you need to say is "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible" or some variation of that. What a bizarre idea that an invitation would also mean transportation would be provided.

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lowspark

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2014, 10:49:59 AM »
I find that people who never host don't really understand what hosting entails. The upshot of this is that they request the impossible or criticise the unavoidable or suggest the undoable, etc.

So, let me guess. These people asking for a ride, they never host their own parties, do they?

You are not a big meanie for not dropping everything to pick them up, not to mention prearranging to leave your own party at some point to take them home. I think the best you can reply in these cases is to give them the bus numbers/routes or to recommend another guest they can call to ask for a ride. Make sure to emphasize "ask" though. They need to be clear that you are not guaranteeing anything, just that here's someone who is coming tonight who might be willing to transport them.

EllenS

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2014, 10:52:06 AM »
Not at all mean to say "no".  Asking is kind of rude, but depending on the person's independence level or familiarity with your area may or may not be full-on rude.

Since I don't invite people unless I really want them to come, I would say "sorry, I need to be at home getting ready", and then give them alternatives..

...but the bus stop is only 2 blocks away, I can email you directions.
...but SoandSo is coming from your direction, maybe you could call and ask them?
...but FriendA and FriendB live not far from you, maybe you could split a cab?

Zizi-K

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2014, 10:56:36 AM »
So, some "friends" call you at the last minute with an utterly ridiculous request that would be a huge imposition, and the solution is to stop having parties so you don't have to tell them no?

Maybe you are a much more organized hostess than I, but I literally would not be able to leave in the hours before my parties begin. I'm busy getting food ready, cleaning, showering and getting myself ready - there's no way I could meet this request. It isn't anything other than honest to say, "Actually, I'm swamped with party prep, so I can't leave. But you know we leave really close to TransitHub, and the #42 comes within two blocks of our house. Well, I've gotta get back to it, hope you can make it!" *click*

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2014, 11:09:34 AM »
As a guest there are things you have to do to get ready for an event. Showering, making sure you have a clean outfit, breaking in new shoes, wrapping a gift (if you're attending a gift giving event), and yes, making sure you have transportation to the event. Someone calling me to ask for a lift the day of the party is the same to me as someone calling to ask if I'd mind ironing their shirt before the party.

Now, I have had friends ask me weeks ahead of time if I knew anyone also attending the party they might be able to carpool with. Sometimes then I might make a phone call or two to find out if someone would be willing to carpool. Usually in my group of friends it isn't a problem as long as you pitch in for gas.

And once, and I do mean once, a very close friend called me the morning of the party to tell me she was having car problems and she wasn't sure she could make it. I offered to come pick her up when I was going to be in her area well before the party, in exchange she helped out a lot with set up of the party and got a lift home with another friend. Again, once, for a very, very close friend who was very grateful. And I offered. She wasn't hinting or asking, she was simply letting me know so I wouldn't be expecting her.

But in general if I get a come and get me call, nope. You're a grown up, you have to figure out how to get here. You get to work and to the grocery store, you get to bars and clubs, obviously you've figured something out. If it's consonantly bumming rides then you really need a new system. I also don't respond to hinting "Well gee, my car is acting funny and I'm not sure if I can make it...", "Oh, really, well I understand, car problems are such a pain. If you can still make it great! But I understand if you can't" and then I go on with my life. I don't do hinting. You're a grown up, tell me what you need. If you don't want to tell me because you think I'll say no, then deal with the no, or don't bother asking/hinting at all.

kategillian

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2014, 11:28:49 AM »
I host a lot of parties, & I have the same friends who call me an hour or so before the start of the party, to ask if I need anything from the store, or can I bring someone else who's in town, or something like that. I never even answer the phone, because I am so busy showering, cooking, cleaning, and even if I wanted to leave the house, my oven is usually on, & I would never walk out the door with my oven on. I would say don't answer the phone! Unless someone is calls you like 3 times, indicating there some sort of emergency

Teenyweeny

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2014, 11:45:11 AM »
I don't get this. Part of figuring out if you can attend an event is thinking about the logistics. I can't drive, and if a taxi would be too expensive and public transport isn't an option, then I decline.

IF it's something that I would be devastated to miss, I'll call others who are going and try to figure out a lift or taxi share. Usually this means me offering to meet them somewhere on the way. I'd never call the host!



Outdoor Girl

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2014, 12:04:52 PM »
And once, and I do mean once, a very close friend called me the morning of the party to tell me she was having car problems and she wasn't sure she could make it. I offered to come pick her up when I was going to be in her area well before the party, in exchange she helped out a lot with set up of the party and got a lift home with another friend. Again, once, for a very, very close friend who was very grateful. And I offered. She wasn't hinting or asking, she was simply letting me know so I wouldn't be expecting her.

This is the only way I'd agree to picking someone up for a party I'm hosting.  Early enough that it doesn't disrupt my preparations and I'm putting them to work!
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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Miss March

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2014, 12:15:38 PM »
This happens to me at family events with elderly relatives. I'll get the last minute call because Grandma doesn't think she should drive after dark with her current eyeglasses, so she wants someone to pick her up so that she can stay after 5pm and not have to worry that the sun is going down. Or I'll get a call because Grandpa happened to wake up with his knee throbbing that morning, so he had to take some of his prescription pain medicine and now he feels a bit too groggy to drive safely. And somehow this never really upsets me, because they are loved family members, and one day it's going to be me who is grappling with the issues of age.

But I would get annoyed if completely able bodied and functional adults waited until the last minute to think about how they were going to get to an event and called me (the hostess) and asked me to solve the problem for them.
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GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2014, 12:26:40 PM »
This happens to me at family events with elderly relatives. I'll get the last minute call because Grandma doesn't think she should drive after dark with her current eyeglasses, so she wants someone to pick her up so that she can stay after 5pm and not have to worry that the sun is going down. Or I'll get a call because Grandpa happened to wake up with his knee throbbing that morning, so he had to take some of his prescription pain medicine and now he feels a bit too groggy to drive safely. And somehow this never really upsets me, because they are loved family members, and one day it's going to be me who is grappling with the issues of age.

Ok, I'd probably give ailing family members a pass, but I'd still probably not go pick them up. I'd just make a few phone calls on their behalf to get them a lift, or even pay for a cab ride. Though it's never come up, my family is pretty independent, they'd probably make the calls on their own or just be asking me for the number of the cab company.

Sophia

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Re: People asking the hostess for rides?
« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2014, 01:21:20 PM »
I think there are somethings for which the best response is laughter, and this is one of them.  Because after all, they must surely have been joking!  Also, I think it is a kindness to gently point out when someone is being outrageously clueless, so they don't do it again. 
I have partially civilized my husband this way.  His mother is completely self-centered, yet also has the veneer of elegant etiquette.  So, she imparted some rude "rules" on my husband.