Author Topic: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up  (Read 7047 times)

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Petticoats

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #30 on: January 07, 2014, 10:06:46 AM »
It boggles me that anyone would ask the hostess to pick them up, because (even apart from the rudeness and air of entitlement) the hostess is the one who has the most to do before the party! She's the *least* available person the guest could ask.

bah12

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #31 on: January 07, 2014, 01:29:07 PM »
I have known people throughout the years who don't/can't drive.  While I can't say it was universal, there was sometimes a tendency to have no understanding of what they were actually asking.  It their mind, it was "Oh, it's only 20 minutes away!"  They don't realize that it's 20 minutes to pick them up, 20 minutes to get back, 20 minutes to take them home, and 20 minutes to return - nearly an hour and a half total. 

That having been said, it falls on the person being asked to say "no."  It also falls on the person without transportation to find their own way.  I lived for a short time as an adult without a car.  I took public transportation, walked, and sometimes missed out on things.  When I did get a ride, I was always very appreciative and made it clear how grateful I was.

I know at least 3 people who don't drive.  One has never even had a driver's license, and the others simply can't afford cars.  All of them get around better than most people I know with cars!  They  know all of the busses and cabs and metro lines, and how to use them. One of those friends has traveled to Europe every year, for years.  And she has never driven a car in her life. 
So, I'm sorry, there's no excuse for not getting around.  There's (almost) always a way.

THe people I know who don't drive are the same way.  I'm assuming when you are used to having to find alternate transporatation, you get pretty good at it....much better than someone who is used to driving themselves and suddenly find themselves without a car.

Yes, the person without transportation has the responsibility to find it.  Obviously.  It just blows my mind that "asking a friend for a favor" alternative is not one of them.  Maybe it's the type of friends I have (ones that don't regularly look for ways to take advantage of others), but I really don't get all uptight about someone asking if they can have a ride to one of my parites...as long as they tell me about the issue as soon as it's an issue (not at the last minute) and don't pout if I say "sorry, I have too much to do and don't have time" then I see no reason to care so much.

I can only think of two times that someone asked me for a ride.   One time I couldn't do it and after they asked someone else who also couldn't do it, ended up not coming.  The other time, DH went and picked them up while I was cooking and another friend generously offered to drive them home so we wouldn't have to (without us asking).  Neither time was a big deal to anyone.  I mean I get that sometimes doing someone a favor is not possible or is a huge inconvenience, but I think attempting to make some black/white rule about what you are and aren't allowed to ask someone to do is too much.  It's not a black/white issue.

lowspark

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #32 on: January 07, 2014, 02:30:01 PM »
For me what's black and white is the timing of the request. When the invitation is issued or anyway, at minimum, several days in advance? OK. At least at that point, there's time to try to figure something out. An hour before the party starts? Nope.

To be honest, there's no way I'd be giving a ride to anyone for a party at my house. There's just way too much to be done in preparation for me to abandon it long enough to drive to and from someone's house. The best I can offer would be to suggest the names of other people who are coming and might be able to help out.

bah12

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #33 on: January 07, 2014, 02:35:47 PM »
For me what's black and white is the timing of the request. When the invitation is issued or anyway, at minimum, several days in advance? OK. At least at that point, there's time to try to figure something out. An hour before the party starts? Nope.

To be honest, there's no way I'd be giving a ride to anyone for a party at my house. There's just way too much to be done in preparation for me to abandon it long enough to drive to and from someone's house. The best I can offer would be to suggest the names of other people who are coming and might be able to help out.

Well, yes...I agree that timing does matter.  For me, I find that reasonable people will bring up issues when they occur.  So, at the time of the RSVP is what I think would be most reasonable.  Or, as soon as the transportation becomes an issue.  You just found out your car isn't getting out of the shop when you thought two days before the party...let me know then. You break down on the way...yes, call me! 

And yeah, if you can't/aren't willing to give the ride, then say "no".  Just because it may not be rude to ask, it still doesn't obligate anyone else to give.

Emmy

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #34 on: January 07, 2014, 05:20:53 PM »
I think this to be a rude request, especially at the last minute.  I may consider it if they don't live too far away and I can pick them up early enough to help set up for the party and will stay until everyone leaves.  Hosting is plenty of work and often things need to be done at the last minute.  In most circumstances, I think guests can find another way to the party or decline if they feel it will be too much work.

A friend and I were going to meet a group of friends at a restaurant for a New Year party several years ago.  The restaurant was a little over an hour drive away.  We got a call from another friend.  He wanted us to pick him up for the party.  Picking him up would have been at least a half hour out of the way.  This friend had a car, but just didn't want to drive to the party.  We suggested he come to friend's house and we could all ride to the party together.  Nope, he wanted us to come and pick him up.  We told him we wouldn't do that.  I was pretty put off that he expected us to give him door to door service out of our way so he didn't have to do any driving.

bah12

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #35 on: January 07, 2014, 06:50:29 PM »
I think this to be a rude request, especially at the last minute.  I may consider it if they don't live too far away and I can pick them up early enough to help set up for the party and will stay until everyone leaves.  Hosting is plenty of work and often things need to be done at the last minute.  In most circumstances, I think guests can find another way to the party or decline if they feel it will be too much work.

A friend and I were going to meet a group of friends at a restaurant for a New Year party several years ago.  The restaurant was a little over an hour drive away.  We got a call from another friend.  He wanted us to pick him up for the party.  Picking him up would have been at least a half hour out of the way.  This friend had a car, but just didn't want to drive to the party.  We suggested he come to friend's house and we could all ride to the party together.  Nope, he wanted us to come and pick him up.  We told him we wouldn't do that.  I was pretty put off that he expected us to give him door to door service out of our way so he didn't have to do any driving.

I think my beef is that basically rude/entitled people ruin it for everyone else.  My friends simply don't do the things that are described here (I've run into those people but they aren't my friends).  And I often wonder "who are these people" that you all keep talking about?   What you describe is entitled at best.  What I describe, which is someone letting me know as soon as they have a transportation issue that they have a transportation issue.  I host a lot of parties and it honestly wouldn't phase me for a friend with a legitimate problem to make a request.  If I can help, I will and if I can't, I won't.  It doesn't offend me for someone to make a request that I can't accommodate.  I have no problem saying "sorry, but I can't." Or saying "Yes, but I'll need to pick you up two hours early and you are on set up/clean up duty."  I just don't think that because there are certain circumstances that exist that make the request rude, that all similar requests are therefore rude...just like how I think even if something is considered universally rude, there is always an exception of a circumstance out there that will make it ok.

mrs_deb

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #36 on: January 09, 2014, 10:51:39 AM »
I don't mind being asked to give someone a ride, if it's pretty much on my way, and I'm going anyway, but as the host?  How does that make sense?  Let's see...a lot of people are coming to my house, I have to get ready for them all to arrive, and yet you want me to stop what I'm doing, put on my coat and shoes, leave my house, get in the car, go get you, and come BACK to my house? 

I do have a friend who doesn't drive after a certain time of day due to medication issues, and I don't mind giving her a ride 99% of the time, but not to parties or meetings at MY house!

Arila

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #37 on: January 13, 2014, 11:47:16 AM »
I had a bit of a brainwave about this topic over the weekend. We had committed to attending a regular game day at a friend's house on Saturday afternoon. I try to RSVP "early" (they send out the invite/reminder a week in advance), because I know it's hard for them to get enough responses to know how much to have for dinner.

As Saturday afternoon approached, I didn't want to go anymore. Not that I had a problem with the people or entertainment, I just felt inclined to do something else. I got to thinking that "back in the day" there wasn't all that much to do for fun at home. Certainly, nothing to keep occupied without expending effort (piano or gardening etc - enjoyable, but take effort). Now there are so many things to do to keep "entertained" that I no longer need to go outside the home to keep occupied. Watching Netflix is almost limitless, and I don't even have to get dressed! If I want to socialize, I can get on facebook, etc.

I got started thinking that this might be related to the subtle shift that Toots was talking about. Used to be that hosting was called "entertaining" and the socializing and everything else WAS the entertainment. Now there are more options. And, I think a lot of the etiquette rules may have come about when there was only one person working, so there wasn't quite so much in the way of chores packed into the few precious hours of the weekends.

So, there's my thoughts. Less time, and more options/requirements on how to spend it  means it's harder to get a good sized group of people to all do something together somewhere.

TootsNYC

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #38 on: January 13, 2014, 04:10:43 PM »
Quote
And, I think a lot of the etiquette rules may have come about when there was only one person working, so there wasn't quite so much in the way of chores packed into the few precious hours of the weekends.

I don't think so.

I don't think that how many people were working, etc., etc., has the tiniest thing to do with the role of host and guest, or etiquette rules. People were just as busy--even rich ladies did mending, etc.

I believe that it is/b]true that "visiting" and "socializing" were probably high up on the list of fun things, simply because there wasn't much else to do.
     And so now, in the electronic age, people don't value it as much as they did, now that they can stay home and have Socializing Lite on Facebook, or play XBox.

Vall

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #39 on: January 15, 2014, 09:52:35 AM »
I understand what you mean about thanking guests for coming to my party.  I've never really thought about it before but now that I have, it does seem strange to me.  I'm going to have problems saying that phrase again when hosting.  The words just don't sit well with me now.

Other phrases like, "It was great seeing you", "I'm glad you were able to make it", and "I'm so happy that you came" (or something similar) seem like better choices to me.

~~off to ponder the subject more~~

Iris

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #40 on: January 15, 2014, 04:43:41 PM »
I say "thanks for coming" and it doesn't bother me. Without guests my party would be pretty lame :). In other words I've always subscribed to the view that being a guest isn't all sitting back and accepting hospitality - you make the effort to be pleasant, to include any 'lonely' looking people without the host having to foist them onto you, to ignore any boorish people and generally help the evening go smoothly.

An example - At our last party a friend of ours traveled over an hour to get there and later let us know that it was his first time out in a group for several weeks because he had witnessed something dreadful and suffered PTSD. He then danced the night away with us and had a great time. I was pleased that he'd made the effort to come and touched that he saw our house as a safe place and appreciative that he came ready to get support from his friends and then allow himself to have a good time, so he got a thank you.

Actually this thread has made me realise that without noticing I give guests different farewells. Those who are excellent guests or make a special effort to come get thanks, others get "it was lovely to see you"and so on. I must be careful that I don't rate guests via their farewell.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

TootsNYC

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #41 on: January 15, 2014, 05:20:51 PM »
I must be careful that I don't rate guests via their farewell.

Why not? Those people who were picky guests, or critical, or not very involved in helping you "create" the party (I agree w/ you, that's their 'job'), deserve the accurate feedback of a "not quite as effusive or detailed as hers" farewell.

Hmmmmm

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Re: s/o "your child isn't invited"--guests who ask you to pick them up
« Reply #42 on: January 15, 2014, 06:24:05 PM »
I don't have an issue with thanking a guest for their attendance. But as I've thought about it, I realized it is not a phrase I use often as a host. Our goodbyes tend to be more along the lines of:

Guest: Thank you so much for having us. It was a great night.
Host: Oh, you are so welcome. I'm glad you were able to join us.


But if they joined to celebrate a special event for a family member, I probably would thank them for coming. Last year my DD graduated, I thanked the family members who came to the graduation ceremony and the party afterwards. Similarly brides and grooms traditionally thank guest for coming to their wedding.

And like Iris, if someone really took a lot of effort to join an event, I'd probably thank them for making the effort.