Author Topic: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you  (Read 6973 times)

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Venus193

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #30 on: January 04, 2014, 11:48:40 AM »
You'd think I would have the courage to ask that the channel be changed; the hostess is a friend of many years' standing.  The TV is always on at her place and this program is a current favorite of hers.

Next time I will try to talk in advance with her about playing Monopoly or something.  I do get a little miffed at the TV being on all the time without a specific plan to watch a major movie or something.

If this is indeed an old friend of yours, I'm quite surprised that she's unaware of your sensitivity about animal cruelty. (Not that most people aren't bothered by animal cruelty but some are better able to handle a documentary type program.) I'm also shocked that she just plopped a box of tissues in front of you when you started crying; I would never do that to a stranger, let alone an long-time friend!

I don't know if she was being intentionally passive-aggressive or just truly clueless but maybe it's time to take a look at your relationship. This might be a bit harsh but if I had a "friend" who I needed to discuss with a bunch of random internet strangers, well, I think I would need to re-evaluate that friendship. (I don't know if you've ever posted about this friend before but if you have that just adds to this sentiment.) Conversely, I would feel betrayed and mortified if I found out an old friend of mine complained about me online instead of just talking to me. :/

I was treating the TV thing the same way as we thought of the radio in someone else's car.  In past discussions we've concluded that the driver gets to choose the station, so this seemed almost a logical extension. 

After all the years I know her I should be able to tell her that I can't watch stuff like this without getting upset.  She works in a medical office and is a bit tougher about such things than I am capable of being.

meronym

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #31 on: January 04, 2014, 11:55:42 AM »
You'd think I would have the courage to ask that the channel be changed; the hostess is a friend of many years' standing.  The TV is always on at her place and this program is a current favorite of hers.

Next time I will try to talk in advance with her about playing Monopoly or something.  I do get a little miffed at the TV being on all the time without a specific plan to watch a major movie or something.

If this is indeed an old friend of yours, I'm quite surprised that she's unaware of your sensitivity about animal cruelty. (Not that most people aren't bothered by animal cruelty but some are better able to handle a documentary type program.) I'm also shocked that she just plopped a box of tissues in front of you when you started crying; I would never do that to a stranger, let alone an long-time friend!

I don't know if she was being intentionally passive-aggressive or just truly clueless but maybe it's time to take a look at your relationship. This might be a bit harsh but if I had a "friend" who I needed to discuss with a bunch of random internet strangers, well, I think I would need to re-evaluate that friendship. (I don't know if you've ever posted about this friend before but if you have that just adds to this sentiment.) Conversely, I would feel betrayed and mortified if I found out an old friend of mine complained about me online instead of just talking to me. :/

I was treating the TV thing the same way as we thought of the radio in someone else's car.  In past discussions we've concluded that the driver gets to choose the station, so this seemed almost a logical extension. 

After all the years I know her I should be able to tell her that I can't watch stuff like this without getting upset.  She works in a medical office and is a bit tougher about such things than I am capable of being.

I think that's true when it come to music or something innocuous but if something's truly upsetting, I think the passenger/guest has a right to speak up. Again, I can't imagine any true friend would want you to be so upset. :(

AnnaJ

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #32 on: January 04, 2014, 12:20:21 PM »
If this is indeed an old friend of yours, I'm quite surprised that she's unaware of your sensitivity about animal cruelty. (Not that most people aren't bothered by animal cruelty but some are better able to handle a documentary type program.) I'm also shocked that she just plopped a box of tissues in front of you when you started crying; I would never do that to a stranger, let alone an long-time friend!

I don't know if she was being intentionally passive-aggressive or just truly clueless but maybe it's time to take a look at your relationship. This might be a bit harsh but if I had a "friend" who I needed to discuss with a bunch of random internet strangers, well, I think I would need to re-evaluate that friendship. (I don't know if you've ever posted about this friend before but if you have that just adds to this sentiment.) Conversely, I would feel betrayed and mortified if I found out an old friend of mine complained about me online instead of just talking to me. :/

But that what the majority of posts on this and many other forums are about - friends and family, people we know very well.  If no one ever posted about them, the internet would be empty...except for cats, of course  :D

meronym

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #33 on: January 04, 2014, 12:31:25 PM »
If this is indeed an old friend of yours, I'm quite surprised that she's unaware of your sensitivity about animal cruelty. (Not that most people aren't bothered by animal cruelty but some are better able to handle a documentary type program.) I'm also shocked that she just plopped a box of tissues in front of you when you started crying; I would never do that to a stranger, let alone an long-time friend!

I don't know if she was being intentionally passive-aggressive or just truly clueless but maybe it's time to take a look at your relationship. This might be a bit harsh but if I had a "friend" who I needed to discuss with a bunch of random internet strangers, well, I think I would need to re-evaluate that friendship. (I don't know if you've ever posted about this friend before but if you have that just adds to this sentiment.) Conversely, I would feel betrayed and mortified if I found out an old friend of mine complained about me online instead of just talking to me. :/

But that what the majority of posts on this and many other forums are about - friends and family, people we know very well.  If no one ever posted about them, the internet would be empty...except for cats, of course  :D

Family makes sense as you don't really get to choose who you're related to and those relationships can be tricky to navigate. New-er friends, I could see as you're still figuring out your relationship. But I'd much rather a long-time friend just talk to me, especially if it's a small matter like changing the TV station. (There are, of course, larger issues that may require input from impartial parties.) I'd be a little hurt if a good friend felt more comfortable going to strangers over a small matter instead of just talking to me directly.

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #34 on: January 04, 2014, 02:55:16 PM »

I was treating the TV thing the same way as we thought of the radio in someone else's car.  In past discussions we've concluded that the driver gets to choose the station, so this seemed almost a logical extension. 


Even so, I think if someone is playing a radio station that is truly offensive or upsetting (lots of profanity or slurs, for example), or graphic news coverage, a rider has the right to ask for it to be changed.  I am thinking of an analogy to a radio program I heard recently that covered the emotional devastation and help/recovery for women who had been trafficked.  I had to turn the channel, and I think if a driver was listening to that it would be perfectly fine for the rider to ask that it be changed.

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AnnaJ

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #35 on: January 04, 2014, 02:57:25 PM »
Family makes sense as you don't really get to choose who you're related to and those relationships can be tricky to navigate. New-er friends, I could see as you're still figuring out your relationship. But I'd much rather a long-time friend just talk to me, especially if it's a small matter like changing the TV station. (There are, of course, larger issues that may require input from impartial parties.) I'd be a little hurt if a good friend felt more comfortable going to strangers over a small matter instead of just talking to me directly.

That would be the ideal but sometimes it helps to have input from impartial people.  A vast number (maybe the majority) of threads here are about people who want to keep a friendship or good re*lationship and just want some advice about how to deal with a particular event.  I'm not sure why this particular thread caught your attention, but there are many other threads in this forum that also ask for help navigating various issues. 

And welcome to the board  :).

meronym

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #36 on: January 04, 2014, 03:04:29 PM »
Family makes sense as you don't really get to choose who you're related to and those relationships can be tricky to navigate. New-er friends, I could see as you're still figuring out your relationship. But I'd much rather a long-time friend just talk to me, especially if it's a small matter like changing the TV station. (There are, of course, larger issues that may require input from impartial parties.) I'd be a little hurt if a good friend felt more comfortable going to strangers over a small matter instead of just talking to me directly.

That would be the ideal but sometimes it helps to have input from impartial people.  A vast number (maybe the majority) of threads here are about people who want to keep a friendship or good re*lationship and just want some advice about how to deal with a particular event.  I'm not sure why this particular thread caught your attention, but there are many other threads in this forum that also ask for help navigating various issues. 

And welcome to the board  :).

I've always appreciated simple solutions to simple problems while generating the least amount of personal drama (which could be external or internal). It's been my experience that so many problems people have with others can be resolved with a quick conversation. Got a problem? Say something! But perhaps that's why I've been accused of being a bit blunt (which is why I'm here!). ;)

Thanks for the welcome. :)

Allyson

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #37 on: January 04, 2014, 07:51:10 PM »
I'd say something. I would definitely make certain *not* to phrase it in a way like "Ugh, how can you watch this awful thing?" but frame it as a favour to me I'd really appreciate. Yes, it should be common courtesy, but I find that will get better results.

Honestly I'd even do this with shows that didn't offend me, but just aggravated me. There's a certain type of show that almost everybody I'm friends with *loves*--adult cartoons like Family Guy or Archer. I don't enjoy these at all; no judgment on those who do, but they're just not my thing.. I also find they're the sort of thing that slowly suck away the party guests' attention til I'm left relatively bored. In that case I'd probably say something more like "Hey, can we keep this to one episode tonight?" rather than ask them to turn it off right away.

But, if it were something actively upsetting to me, yeah, I'd say something.

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #38 on: January 04, 2014, 07:55:34 PM »
What type of gathering was this?  Was it a "hey we are all off work, lets spend the day together", casual type thing? Or a more formal type event?  How many people were there?  Did most of them like the show? Were you greeted with "hi, we've decided to watch xyz show?" You say that host has the tv on in the background when she hosts so this wasn't a surprise, though the show might have been.

If the majority of people present liked the show it could be awkward to ask that it just be changed for you. Best options would be to leave or excuse yourself to another room during the sad parts or excuse yourself to another room for awhile.  I always carry my small kindle reader with me for situations like this or for when I am waiting in offices/for people/etc.

I am curious as to why you didn't excuse yourself and leave.

sweetonsno

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #39 on: January 04, 2014, 11:59:17 PM »
I'm also in camp "it depends."

If you were invited over for a marathon and dinner, then no, you can't ask to change the channel, because you accepted the invitation.

If you were invited over for movies/TV and dinner, and you forgot to ask what show, I think it's best to bring it up as soon as you realize there's problematic content. Ask for a warning before X happens, find out if they have something else recorded, whatever. If not, apologize and make your excuses.

If you were invited over and they pop in a show or a movie, I think it's okay to ask whether you can swap out something more uplifting after the first episode.

If it really is problematic for you to the point of being a trigger, look the other way, leave the room, cover your eyes… whatever it takes to protect you. Wait until a logical stopping point and say, "Hey, I'm sorry, but this is really getting under my skin. Can we watch/do something else, please?"

kareng57

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #40 on: January 05, 2014, 12:10:20 AM »
Their house, their TV station.  It would not be my place to ask them to change it, I would simply make my excuses and leave.

MariaE

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #41 on: January 05, 2014, 03:55:58 AM »
Their house, their TV station.  It would not be my place to ask them to change it, I would simply make my excuses and leave.

But these were friends! Not just random people. I'd be really sad if a friend decided to leave rather than to tell me she felt uncomfortable with what was on the TV. It would certainly make me feel we weren't as close friends as I thought we were, if she didn't trust me enough to speak up.
 
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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #42 on: January 05, 2014, 04:44:27 AM »
You'd think I would have the courage to ask that the channel be changed; the hostess is a friend of many years' standing.  The TV is always on at her place and this program is a current favorite of hers.

Next time I will try to talk in advance with her about playing Monopoly or something.  I do get a little miffed at the TV being on all the time without a specific plan to watch a major movie or something.

If this is indeed an old friend of yours, I'm quite surprised that she's unaware of your sensitivity about animal cruelty. (Not that most people aren't bothered by animal cruelty but some are better able to handle a documentary type program.) I'm also shocked that she just plopped a box of tissues in front of you when you started crying; I would never do that to a stranger, let alone an long-time friend!

I don't know if she was being intentionally passive-aggressive or just truly clueless but maybe it's time to take a look at your relationship. This might be a bit harsh but if I had a "friend" who I needed to discuss with a bunch of random internet strangers, well, I think I would need to re-evaluate that friendship. (I don't know if you've ever posted about this friend before but if you have that just adds to this sentiment.) Conversely, I would feel betrayed and mortified if I found out an old friend of mine complained about me online instead of just talking to me. :/

I was treating the TV thing the same way as we thought of the radio in someone else's car.  In past discussions we've concluded that the driver gets to choose the station, so this seemed almost a logical extension. 

After all the years I know her I should be able to tell her that I can't watch stuff like this without getting upset.  She works in a medical office and is a bit tougher about such things than I am capable of being.

well that makes sense - but personally i think the radio in the car is more about the driver's choice (as in - the driver needs/prefers to have the radio on to help with concentration) - making it, imho, more of a safety issue. There is no *need* for the tv to be on at home, unless the sole purpose of the gathering was to watch a specific show/marathon (which i don't think was the case here).

I hate when people leave the TV on during dinner, or in general when there are guests around, because i find it noisy and distracting.

I find it odd that your friend knows how disturbing this is to you (hence offering you kleenex) and yet didn't think to turn the tv off. I think you can certainly ask - just say what you've said here or say "you know, it's a little distracting and i really just wanted to spend some time talking with you guys".

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Danika

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #43 on: January 05, 2014, 04:53:34 AM »
I hate when people leave the TV on during dinner, or in general when there are guests around, because i find it noisy and distracting.

I completely agree. I get offended if I took time out of my busy schedule to meet up with a friend for a meal or a chat, and they are half-focussed on me, and half-focussed on something else like the TV, their text messages, their cell phone, etc.

Venus193

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Re: When the host family's TV marathon disturbs or offends you
« Reply #44 on: January 05, 2014, 08:08:39 AM »
Before the next occasion I will definitely bring this up.  We do enjoy some of the same stuff but there are some definite differences in TV viewing that need to be acknowledged as non-negotiable.  At least her husband isn't a sports freak.