Author Topic: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!  (Read 3551 times)

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ms.bliss

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2014, 08:58:58 PM »

I don't think OP was malicious but I think saying in the apology or in response to Arnold reply of "Why? " etc  "you didn't say not to tell her" would be a bad idea and a bit of a non apology.   I think OP could say "I only realized after telling Tara that you  meant don't tell her by the convo "
I agree whole heartedly with this, you stated it perfectly.  OP didn't mean to create and issue but it happened. An honestly apology can go a long way IMO

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2014, 09:46:30 PM »
Regardless of whether or not he specifically asked OP to keep this a secret....to me that is not relevant.

I don't think it's ever someone's place to tell someone else that a mutual friend of theirs had an affair.  The only person who deserves that sort of information is the person being cheated ON (if they don't already know).  I totally understand that the OP was not engaging in malicious gossip, and I'm not saying it's an unforgiveable sin.  But I don't think it was her place to tell their mutual friend so I think she should apologize.

I agree in theory, but in this case OP clearly thought that she was referencing common knowledge. And it is common knowledge, since Arnold told friends without specifying that it was a secret. It just wasn't common knowledge that had ever made its way to Tara. I don't think that's OP's responsibility to manage or feel especially guilty about.

I agree with this. If Arnold didn't want word filtering back to Tara, it was a bit silly of him to tell all her mutual friends and then expect them to remember to keep it secret from Tara.

OP, I personally wouldn't go out of my way to apologise to Arnold. If he brings it up, you can express regret (ie the "non apology"). But that's all I'd do. 

RandomAngel

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #17 on: January 12, 2014, 09:55:34 PM »
I'm not sure how an apology for this would go, but Arnold should be aware that if he doesn't want everyone to know his business, he shouldn't tell anyone. Because yes, it is hard to keep straight who knows what in cases like this.

I think this is what I was trying to get at. He didn't say "Don't tell anyone"; at most he implied "Don't tell Tara [right now]." And I have no patience for "A, B, and C know, but don't tell D because it will devastate him, and E can only know if she asks, but if F asks tell him to talk to G, because she knows what I'll want her to tell F. But don't let G talk to A!!!"

It's out or it's not.

He told OP and didn't say the information was only for OP. It's reasonable to expect, then, that OP is not the only close friend of his who had the information, or else it would have come with that caveat. It's certainly not OP's job to manage Arnold's relationships for him, or to keep track of whom he wants to know what. It's his responsibility to either say, "Please keep this between just the two of us," or to recall that they have many mutual friends, and expect that he is releasing information into the wild.

Deetee

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #18 on: January 12, 2014, 11:31:00 PM »
Regardless of whether or not he specifically asked OP to keep this a secret....to me that is not relevant.

I don't think it's ever someone's place to tell someone else that a mutual friend of theirs had an affair.  The only person who deserves that sort of information is the person being cheated ON (if they don't already know).  I totally understand that the OP was not engaging in malicious gossip, and I'm not saying it's an unforgiveable sin.  But I don't think it was her place to tell their mutual friend so I think she should apologize.

I'm with this. But I know this is partly because I simply don't have the memory to keep a semi-secret like this, especially a year later. If something is a real secret, I'll keep it but even then I prefer that it be time limited or people just tell me a vague "I need sympathy" story. Once enough time passes, it is hard to remember that something was/is/still is a secret.

I agree in theory, but in this case OP clearly thought that she was referencing common knowledge. And it is common knowledge, since Arnold told friends without specifying that it was a secret. It just wasn't common knowledge that had ever made its way to Tara. I don't think that's OP's responsibility to manage or feel especially guilty about.

I agree with this. If Arnold didn't want word filtering back to Tara, it was a bit silly of him to tell all her mutual friends and then expect them to remember to keep it secret from Tara.

OP, I personally wouldn't go out of my way to apologise to Arnold. If he brings it up, you can express regret (ie the "non apology"). But that's all I'd do.

TomatoBunny

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2014, 12:54:18 AM »
I have to agree with RandomAngel; [He didn't say "Don't tell anyone"; at most he implied "Don't tell Tara [right now]."]

It sounded like Arnold was being asked why he left Ben so that Tara could pull parallels on why her ex might have left her. Temporarily ignoring the fact that every couple is different and as such, so would be reasons for breaking up, but Arnold, reasonably, didn't want to plant the idea that hey, maybe Tara's ex was cheating on her and that's (also) why Ex left. So he didn't tell her, at the time.

If you look at the timeline, 'late 2012' Arnold broke up with Ben and in 'early 2013' Tara and Ex split, so that's probably only a couple months between them? So it's reasonable that Arnold might still be talking about his breakup and such with friends at that time, but now it's a year later, so naturally the subject isn't going to be coming up anymore. These friends apparently tell each other everything(?), but go months without interacting, just picking things up where they left off when they get together again. It seems logical that the subject never came up again with Tara. So this bit of information just fell through the cracks.

As such, I don't think you need to apologize. But, since Arnold volunteered the information to you, I would consider just being equally frank with him, that 'hey, this happened, so it's fresh in Tara's mind now/she might be angry with you." Or however it seemed like she was taking it at the time. Given the space between meetups, Tara could have digested the news by then and it won't be awkward. I would look at parallels between Bill & Arnold to help guide you.. were they at the same status in the group/with Tara before they cheated? How does Tara treat Bill now? etc.

zyrs

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #20 on: January 13, 2014, 01:16:22 AM »
I would apologize to Arnold in part because it would let him know that something that is a year old is now fresh on Tara's mind and she is thinking differently of him.

Flibbertigibbet

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2014, 05:23:21 AM »
I think apologise as well, but from the OP it seems that you didn't even intend to tell Tara deliberately - it just kind of slipped out whilst talking about something else. Therefore, even if Arnold had said more clearly to absolutely not tell Tara, I think the OP would still have simply made a mistake in mentioning it = apolgise for the slip. In the actual circumstances, where it seems a little nebulous as to what exactly was meant (don't tell Tara now/don't tell Tara ever), the slip is even more forgiveable in my eyes. If I was Armold I'd appreciate the heads up that Tara now knew and might be acting on that knowledge though :). A small apology along the lines of 'I'm so sorry, I totally forgot Tara didn't know [circumstances of cheating] and let it slip the other day when talking about Bill' would be my advice. Good luck :)

English1

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #22 on: January 13, 2014, 06:37:30 AM »
Hmmm... if someone confessed to me they'd cheated on their partner, I wouldn't have to be specifically told that this is private information and not something to gossip to others about. I prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to passing on sensitive info about other people - it's their information and their news to pass on as they see fit, I don't get to pass it on at all. I think the OP owes him an apology.

sweetonsno

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #23 on: January 14, 2014, 02:03:20 AM »
Hmmm... if someone confessed to me they'd cheated on their partner, I wouldn't have to be specifically told that this is private information and not something to gossip to others about. I prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to passing on sensitive info about other people - it's their information and their news to pass on as they see fit, I don't get to pass it on at all. I think the OP owes him an apology.

This is pretty much what I was thinking. I think it's a pretty big deal, or at the very least a personal revelation.

aussie_chick

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #24 on: January 14, 2014, 05:06:46 AM »
Hmmm... if someone confessed to me they'd cheated on their partner, I wouldn't have to be specifically told that this is private information and not something to gossip to others about. I prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to passing on sensitive info about other people - it's their information and their news to pass on as they see fit, I don't get to pass it on at all. I think the OP owes him an apology.

This is pretty much what I was thinking. I think it's a pretty big deal, or at the very least a personal revelation.

POD

MariaE

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #25 on: January 14, 2014, 09:52:18 AM »
Hmmm... if someone confessed to me they'd cheated on their partner, I wouldn't have to be specifically told that this is private information and not something to gossip to others about. I prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to passing on sensitive info about other people - it's their information and their news to pass on as they see fit, I don't get to pass it on at all. I think the OP owes him an apology.

This is pretty much what I was thinking. I think it's a pretty big deal, or at the very least a personal revelation.

POD

But this wasn't a case of the OP consciously passing on information, but of her forgetting that Tara didn't already know.

I do agree that an apology is owed though.
 
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fountainof

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #26 on: January 14, 2014, 10:43:17 AM »
I would apologize to Arnold as well, just saying I am sorry, in conversation with Tara your affair came up and I hadn't realized she didn't know.  It is one thing if Arnold only told the OP but it sounds like he told lots of people.  I personally, wouldn't even want to know something like that about someone and I am not sure I would guarantee secrecy either as I just don't monitor and keep track of who knows what.

If Tara changes her opinion of Arnold that is hers to make.  If he openly tells people he cheated he should expect he would run into at least one friend who isn't so okay with it. 

Hmmmmm

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Re: Do I apologize? Just inform? Long, sorry!
« Reply #27 on: January 14, 2014, 11:35:12 AM »
Hmmm... if someone confessed to me they'd cheated on their partner, I wouldn't have to be specifically told that this is private information and not something to gossip to others about. I prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to passing on sensitive info about other people - it's their information and their news to pass on as they see fit, I don't get to pass it on at all. I think the OP owes him an apology.

This is pretty much what I was thinking. I think it's a pretty big deal, or at the very least a personal revelation.

Yeah, that's me position too. I've had friends confide things to my that I don't share with my spouse. So I'm not really getting the idea that something told to one of you automatically gets repeated to the other.

And I also try not to use one person's bad behavior as a reason why someone else should be forgiven. I mean if you'd have conversations with your friend about Arnold's cheating and she'd expressed a "well that's between him and his BF" I could see why you'd question her opposite response about a different friend's similar action.