Author Topic: If you want me to pay...  (Read 17354 times)

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kitchcat

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If you want me to pay...
« on: January 04, 2014, 12:39:12 AM »
Without going into lots of detail, MIL invited DH and I to go to a nice restaurant (that I don't care much for) with MIL, her husband, and DH's aunt and uncle who are visiting from overseas in a few days. We accepted, expecting to pay for ourselves. After we say yes, she puts us on the spot in front of the relatives, saying that DH and I will be treating!  >:( Not cool!

DH is okay with paying, but I am not. (I work full time and DH is a full time student FWIW) Since I can't say no to MIL on this, I'm thinking of playing her game, so to speak. I want to call her and let her know that since I'm hosting this dinner, I would like to invite my parents as well (they want to meet DH's extended family and were sad that no invitation was extended by MIL, who they are friendly with). In addition, I will change the restaurant choice to a less expensive one, though still nice.

In my mind, she's volun-telling me to host, and as a hostess, I should be able to decide what that entails (the restaurant and guests). If she insists on what she wants, she can pay for that. It's not my job to foot her bill. Am I okay with this idea?
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Nikko-chan

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2014, 12:49:29 AM »
Yeah.... I would be saying no to hosting, call everyone your MIL informed that you would be paying, explain there was a misunderstanding, and bow out of the dinner all together. There would be no way I would be paying for... 6 people to eat. Now if I had invited them out, that would be another thing.

Library Dragon

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2014, 12:50:51 AM »
Oh, I agree.  Being voluntold is never fun. But then.....

If you're hosting you get to make the guest list.  You also get to choose the venue.  Take control and confirm with everyone the date, time, and place. 

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PastryGoddess

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2014, 12:52:37 AM »
Yes, since you are now the host of this event, It would make sense for you to host an event you feel you can afford.  I also think that it would be fine for you to invite your parents as well. 

lakey

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2014, 12:58:12 AM »
Since you will be paying you have every right to decide on the restaurant.
In addition, if this kind of behavior is common with MIL, you may need to set some boundaries. She has no right to announce that you are paying for dinner at an expensive restaurant for a large number of people. If she does this type of thing more than once, she will bankrupt you. Your husband needs to understand that his mother has no right to do this.

Hopefull

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2014, 01:07:26 AM »
You mentioned that you said you couldn't say no to what your mother-in-law said, but you most certainly can say no. If you are not able to pay for everyone all you have to do is say that you cannot pay for everyone. Now if the idea of getting everyone together is a good one to you and wanted to, pick another restaurant that is the more affordable or host a nice dinner at your home. Don't feel bad about it one bit. Make sure you call everyone personally and let them know the change plans. Don't let your mother-in-law bully you.
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johelenc1

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2014, 01:17:42 AM »
Are you serious!  My husband makes a very good salary, but paying for 6 people at an expensive restaurant would be out of our budget.  No way. 

First, you need to have a sit down with your husband.  And then, tell MIL you are not under any circumstances paying for dinner. 

Ceallach

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2014, 01:24:03 AM »
Yes, if you don't want to say no, instead you should absolutely take over hosting on your terms - as my dad says, it's the golden rule:  "he who has the gold makes the rules".    In this case it means you get to decide who you are willing to pay for (eg the guest list) and which restaurant you will be hosting at.   I can't believe how rude your MIL is!!!
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kitchcat

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2014, 01:59:12 AM »
Yes, if you don't want to say no, instead you should absolutely take over hosting on your terms - as my dad says, it's the golden rule:  "he who has the gold makes the rules".
Haha, I love this!

You mentioned that you said you couldn't say no to what your mother-in-law said, but you most certainly can say no.
When I say I can't say no, what I meant is that my husband put his foot down and said we will be footing the bill for the dinner. DH has always felt rather beholden to MIL and will do nearly anything she asks (even things he dislikes) if it pleases her. I've tried to breakthrough this habit, but I've accepted that it's one of his quirks that I have to work around.
Quote from: magician5
Quote from: Kinseyanne
In the bag was two cans of kitten formula

So now ... just add water and you get kittens? What will they think of next??

weeblewobble

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2014, 02:21:17 AM »
That's not a quirk.  That's insanity.

It's wonderful that DH has "put his foot down" and declared that you will be footing the bill for this fiasco with money that YOU earn through YOUR full-time job while he is a full-time student.  I agree with the previous posters, either 1) Tell DH that you will agree to foot the bill at a more affordable restaurant or for an evening at home  Or 2) Tell DH that he can foot the bill all he wants, but you and your wallet are staying home that evening.

Seriously, don't go.  If you allow MIL to get away with this now, she will be emboldened to get away with more ridiculous antics later.  Why should she stop?  Her enabling son "puts his foot down" and lets her do whatever she wants.

Lauds

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2014, 02:44:35 AM »
I like your plan! Just saying no would probably get your point across (or would if your DH was on board) at some point if you were consistent but taking over 'her' event still tells her not to mess with you. Sure, you'll pay for the dinner like she wants, but you have changed pretty much everything else. Make sure your DH will support the new plan though. 

I wonder if your MIL thought that she would still get all the kudos for getting everyone together for dinner even though you were paying. Maybe even making it seem like she'd done you and your DH a favour.

Deetee

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #11 on: January 04, 2014, 03:12:32 AM »
That's not a quirk.  That's insanity.

It's wonderful that DH has "put his foot down" and declared that you will be footing the bill for this fiasco with money that YOU earn through YOUR full-time job while he is a full-time student.  I agree with the previous posters, either 1) Tell DH that you will agree to foot the bill at a more affordable restaurant or for an evening at home  Or 2) Tell DH that he can foot the bill all he wants, but you and your wallet are staying home that evening.

Seriously, don't go.  If you allow MIL to get away with this now, she will be emboldened to get away with more ridiculous antics later.  Why should she stop?  Her enabling son "puts his foot down" and lets her do whatever she wants.
I concure. Your husband can foot whatever he wants. You can stay home.
( In general I disagree with this approach as I don't think the wage earner in a relationship should control the spending but in this case it just seems easiest)

Kaypeep

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2014, 03:14:45 AM »
OP, I think your plan is fine.  I think you should do it, and inform your DH of the plan once you've informed MIL of the change.  if DH argues you can tell him that you're still hosting the relatives, but at a place you can afford.  If he has a problem with this he's more than welcome to get a part time job and pay the bill, or give up a class or pocket money for the next two months in order to cover the cost of the original dinner. 

No one should go into debt by being voluntold to spend more than they can afford.  Or, even if you can afford it, your MIL did a bait and switch and does not deserve to be rewarded for her sneakiness.  Your DH appears to have no spine where his mom is concerned so it's up to you to have one strong enough for the two of you.

johelenc1

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2014, 03:16:23 AM »
Yes, if you don't want to say no, instead you should absolutely take over hosting on your terms - as my dad says, it's the golden rule:  "he who has the gold makes the rules".
Haha, I love this!

You mentioned that you said you couldn't say no to what your mother-in-law said, but you most certainly can say no.
When I say I can't say no, what I meant is that my husband put his foot down and said we will be footing the bill for the dinner. DH has always felt rather beholden to MIL and will do nearly anything she asks (even things he dislikes) if it pleases her. I've tried to breakthrough this habit, but I've accepted that it's one of his quirks that I have to work around.
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Agreed with PP - this is not a quirk.  This is a boundary issue.  It wouldn't matter to me who made the money.  My husband is the main bread winner, but there is no way I would put up with something like this.  Either you have enough money to throw it away as MIL decides or your husband has a serious problem.

I know that's not your question, but that just seems like a serious relationship issue.  It also seems to me that if you really accepted it, you wouldn't be trying to find ways around what MIL wants.  You'd just agree to do it.

This just sounds really sad to me - that your husband is so controlled by his MIL and you are stuck with it too.

CakeEater

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2014, 04:39:04 AM »
I like your idea. Except would your parents feel a bit awkward? Especially if MIL makes it known that it's "her" meal and they're not really welcome.