Author Topic: If you want me to pay...  (Read 17562 times)

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #30 on: January 04, 2014, 11:32:55 AM »
My own inclination would be to cancel the event if humanly possible (unless you're truly looking forward to it, of course).

Time is every bit as precious as money.  With this event, your MIL is attempting to commandeer both of those valuable resources, and in such blatant ways that it's clear she will not stop doing so on her own.

jillybean

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #31 on: January 04, 2014, 11:36:14 AM »
OP, is it possible that your husband agreed to this beforehand and didn't tell you?
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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #32 on: January 04, 2014, 11:42:52 AM »
OP, is it possible that your husband agreed to this beforehand and didn't tell you?

Ooooohhh ... hadn't thought about that possibility!  I know my husband had to hone out the "Thou shalt not volunteer thy spouse for stuff" rule pretty early on.  It took us awhile, and several slip-ups, as I recall!

Momiitz

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #33 on: January 04, 2014, 01:02:24 PM »
OP, I think you're totally in the clear to simply take over hosting duties and everyone else can stuff it.

POD this! Especially if my husband really wanted to pay for this dinner. Invite your parents to meet the extended family. Just tell your mother in law last. I might only mention to MIL the change in venue. Let your parents be a surprise. Of course let your parents know the deal.

kitchcat

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #34 on: January 04, 2014, 01:17:24 PM »
I change my answer slightly.  I agree with the posters who say not to invite your parents.  I think it would look hypocritical to say money is an issue but then add 2 more people to the bill, even if it's at a less expensive restaurant.  I still think you should change the venue to a more affordable one, though.

Also, OP, I'm curious and you probably don't have the answer to this, but why do you think MIL did this?  Is this just common behavior for her?  Or do you think she's trying to make a point to someone?  Maybe she or her family have issues with DH not working and she wants to show that you aren't struggling and are forcing you to pay for dinner to prove that point?

My parents have said that they would pay for their own meals if they were invited, so money is not an issue on that point.

I honesty do not know why MIL is doing this. She's been acting a bit off recently, deviating from her normal graceful self into a person that I'm having a hard time respecting and understanding. My own mother thinks she is trying to put on airs for her relatives as if to say, "look how well my son and DIL are off that they can buy us all dinner" which is nonsense because we live with my parents!
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Roses

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #35 on: January 04, 2014, 01:25:28 PM »
Your husband is in school, you live with your parents, you are the only money maker in the family and your MIL is essentially telling you how to spend your money?  No.  Just. No. 

I agree with previous posters.  Skip inviting your parents, but DO cancel the dinner or change the restaurant to a cheaper one you can afford. Then call all of the attendees and let them know the details, time, place, etc.


m2kbug

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #36 on: January 04, 2014, 02:13:36 PM »
I think your idea is fine.  Since you are now the hostess, I think you're well within your rights to choose a more affordable location and also one you like better and who you wish to invite.

Personally, I would just cancel out on the whole thing.  There's no way I could cover the expense of several people.  If this is something your MIL is likely to spring on you at the last minute in front of everyone, I would avoid any invitations to get together like this in the future.  Your DH would have to have a talk with her about not volunteering you like this. 

Outdoor Girl

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #37 on: January 04, 2014, 02:21:58 PM »
Since you live with your parents, if this dinner is to go ahead, there is no reason why it couldn't be a dinner party at home.  After all, 4 of the attendees live in the house and it would be very convenient.  You could serve a nicer meal because it would be much cheaper to make it than to have a similar meal out.

Regardless, your MIL has made you the host of this shindig and therefore, all decisions are yours to make.
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sevenday

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #38 on: January 04, 2014, 02:25:36 PM »
I would simply tell DH, "You 'volunteered' us to host this event.  This will cost approximately $$$.  Here is our budget for the next few months.  The only way we can afford this $$$ dinner is if we cut out this and that and this  (preferably things that would affect him somehow, primarily entertainment/dining out).  If you still think we "must" host this dinner, then we can save $$ by moving the dinner to (less expensive restaurant) but we'll still have to find the money in our budget."  If he complains, point out that you're the one making the money, you have to make sure all bills are paid, because dinner out with your MIL and her relatives are lower on the list of priorities than say, rent, student loans, etc.  "But we can put it on the credit card" Tell him point blank you are not going into debt to fund a dinner that you did not agree to with people you do not know and at a far more expensive restaurant than you would normally attend - AND your parents are excluded? 

If he complains further, simply call up MIL and say "It appears there was some breakdown in communication, but I will not be attending this dinner."  If he goes alone, fine, but make sure that money comes out of HIS pocket somehow - all of his 'fun money' for a few months if need be, etc.  The consequence is his to bear for screwing this up if he insists on going and spending that money. 

If you choose not to ruffle feathers and go ahead with the dinner - definitely scale down. "Sorry, we cannot afford $$$ restaurant.  There's a lovely restaurant in an affordable price range at (location)."  Then do go ahead and invite your parents, since they're paying for themselves (so cost is out of the equation) because it is now your dinner.

I honestly would make this a hill to die on personally - not just MIL's audacious assumptions but DH's "putting his foot down" and insisting that you pay for this dinner. 

Jones

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #39 on: January 04, 2014, 02:46:53 PM »
I'd be tempted to switch to a buffet, like Golden Corral, and invite my parents...if they wanted to happen to sit by you, and everyone gets what they want for one pre determined price, well, there you go. You are, after all, the one footing the bill on this family dinner.

EllenS

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #40 on: January 04, 2014, 03:26:29 PM »
I think there is no need to be complicated.  If you can't afford it, you can't.  "I'm sorry that won't be possible."

I really don't think MIL is the main problem. If your DH is committing you to spend large sums of money you don't have, while you are living with your parents (I assume for financial reasons?) then you and DH need to get on the same page about your priorities and communication.

If DH is insisting that this is important for you both to follow through on, then there needs to be a serious family meeting about how you are going to afford it, and what part of the budget he is willing to sacrifice in order to pay for it.  Being a student is no excuse for not being a grownup with the household money.

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #41 on: January 04, 2014, 03:29:58 PM »
OP, I think you're totally in the clear to simply take over hosting duties and everyone else can stuff it.

POD this! Especially if my husband really wanted to pay for this dinner. Invite your parents to meet the extended family. Just tell your mother in law last. I might only mention to MIL the change in venue. Let your parents be a surprise. Of course let your parents know the deal.

This is what I was going to suggest, but Momiitz is more articulate than I am today

Cutenoob

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #42 on: January 04, 2014, 06:57:54 PM »
I'd tell the in-laws, "Wow, I'm sorry you thought we could afford to pay. Since you want a nice dinner with us, we can go to Denny's and enjoy company together. That's as nice as we can afford right now."


aiki

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #43 on: January 04, 2014, 08:05:49 PM »
In addition to not going, I'd sit DH down and say 'Your mother is causing problems in your marriage. What do you intend to do about it?'

Right at the moment, the easy route for him is to mollify mummy and upset you and your joint finances. It's time for that to become the hard route.
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GreenEyedHawk

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #44 on: January 04, 2014, 08:31:07 PM »
I would just get on the phone with MIL and say "I'm sorry but this won't be possible. DH agreed to it without consulting me and it is not in the budget."

Either that, or get your DH to call and explain the above to his mother.  Of course it was easy for him to agree, it's always easy to spend someone else's money!
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