Author Topic: If you want me to pay...  (Read 17614 times)

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TheaterDiva1

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #45 on: January 04, 2014, 08:47:51 PM »
Ideally, you would be contacting your MIL to tell her "DH and I were happy to accept *your* invitation, and we are happy to pay for ourselves, but we did not offer to treat you or your other guests, and will not be doing so."

Only problem I see here is if MIL's okay with putting OP on the spot to host, she may also be okay with throwing her under the bus when  she backs out. "Sorry everyone - OP decided not to treat us to dinner after all... Looks like we're on our own!" (While shooting dagger eyes if OP's present).  The time to speak up is when MIL first mentions it: "Huh? When did that get decided?"

And if DH really is at fault?  Back out of the dinner, have DH go on ahead and pay - but that comes out of his "going out and having fun" budget. 
« Last Edit: January 05, 2014, 12:29:33 AM by TheaterDiva1 »

CakeEater

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #46 on: January 04, 2014, 10:59:18 PM »
I would just get on the phone with MIL and say "I'm sorry but this won't be possible. DH agreed to it without consulting me and it is not in the budget."

Either that, or get your DH to call and explain the above to his mother.  Of course it was easy for him to agree, it's always easy to spend someone else's money!

I'm not sure about this idea. I'm a stay at home Mum at the moment. I don't make any money, but all of the money that comes into our house is 'my' money, and DH's of course. That's an issue between DH and me. I could absolutely volunteer us to take a bunch of people out to dinner and it wouldn't be out of line, regardless of the fact that I haven't actually earned any of the money that would be paying for it.

The OP's DH doing the same isn't an etiquette issue, it's a relationship one, and something they'll have to work out between them.

XRogue

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #47 on: January 04, 2014, 11:50:28 PM »
There is etiquette involved however, since it is rude to voluntell someone to hostess your party for you at their expense, and rude for one's spouse to unilaterally comply with that voluntelling without discussing it at home first. More things involved than rudeness of course, but the rudeness is still there.

Op, it's unfortunate your DH is willing to appease his mother in this manner. I agree with the previous advice about presenting it to him as a budgetary matter, sans emotion as much as possible, and that his consequences for allowing this ought to be either that it doesn't happen at all, or that if the dinner does happen, it be done in a way to minimize expense, and that the money come out of a spending category or categories that are important to DH. The reason this situation bothers you is that it is painful to you, on more than one level. Make it painful to DH every time he does something like this or he *will* keep doing it.

Oh, and assessing some kind of uncomfortable consequence on MIL may help prevent this sort of thing in future too.

CakeEater

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #48 on: January 05, 2014, 01:03:07 AM »
There is etiquette involved however, since it is rude to voluntell someone to hostess your party for you at their expense, and rude for one's spouse to unilaterally comply with that voluntelling without discussing it at home first. More things involved than rudeness of course, but the rudeness is still there.

No argument that MIL was rude. And the point of my post was that the bolded isn't rude in everyone's home. It wouldn't be in mine. Hence, a relationship issue.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #49 on: January 05, 2014, 01:12:14 AM »
Since you live with your parents, if this dinner is to go ahead, there is no reason why it couldn't be a dinner party at home.  After all, 4 of the attendees live in the house and it would be very convenient.  You could serve a nicer meal because it would be much cheaper to make it than to have a similar meal out.

Regardless, your MIL has made you the host of this shindig and therefore, all decisions are yours to make.

Yes, this was going to be my suggestion too. Have a dinner party at yours/your parents' house.

If that won't work (for whatever reason), I'd try to shift the dinner to a less expensive restaurant.

If your DH objects to that, I'd pull out altogether, and let him handle any consequences.

Winterlight

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #50 on: January 05, 2014, 09:16:13 AM »
I think the problem is less MIL and more DH going along with this and deciding to blow money you two don't really have for a dinner you don't really want to attend.
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Sophia

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #51 on: January 05, 2014, 10:02:32 AM »
Could your MIL be at the start of dementia?  This is the polar opposite of gracious. 

When I called the other guests I would make sure to say, "Since MIL informed us that we are hosting.   I am changing the restaurant to X."

Of course, I would cancel the whole thing unless husband was willing to take a temp job to pay for it.  But, you consider this a quirk of your husband, so I guess that won't happen. 

Zizi-K

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #52 on: January 05, 2014, 10:13:42 AM »
I haven't read through all the replies, sorry if this is a repeat, but the time to really have said something was immediately after MIL voluntold you to pay. I would have laughed out loud, and said, "Oh, MIL, you are funny! DH is a full-time student and we live with my parents! We could never afford such a thing! Wish we could, though! Just as soon as we win the lotto! (more laughter)" You could follow up by saying, why don't you all come to our house for dinner, that way you can meet my parents? Or, why don't we go to X restaurant, that'll be just as good and less expensive for everyone. (or whatever else you would prefer to do). Since your DH has a history of steamrolling you in favor of his mother's wishes, this strategy would not have given him the opportunity to acquiesce.

At this point, you might call her directly, circumventing your husband to "confide" in her. "MIL, I know that DH said that we could pay for the "Big Dinner Out," because he loves you and wants to please you. However, I have to tell you that our finances do not put us in a position to really afford such a place. IF we pay for this dinner, we won't be able to afford our cell phone bill (or what have you). You've put us in a difficult position, and I wondered if you could help get us out of it?" Enroll her into being your ally instead of your opponent. This would only work if you have a pretty good relationship as it is, and that given all the facts she would not want to really harm you in this way.

VorFemme

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #53 on: January 05, 2014, 11:36:45 AM »
Instead of "our" phone bill - let his mother know that the funds will be coming out of whatever money is used to provide her son what he needs in the way of extras.

Say - he is going to have to put off replacing his older computer or a high end calculator (something that she knows that he could really use for school) or car repairs to make it safer for her son to get back & forth to school.

If the funds inconvenience her son, she might think twice.  If they inconvenience her DIL (the OP), she might be Mean Girl enough to think that her DIL needs to give up "this little thing" to support her husband, the MIL's DS.  Even if it is dental work, car repairs, or something else MAJOR that is really a very bad idea to put off....

Not quite related - but reading here about what really BAD MILs do, make me very grateful that I have a relatively normal MIL & FIL!  Even if there have been a few flakes of SS here & there, there have been no Deer Snot Uprisings!

Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Otterpop

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #54 on: January 05, 2014, 01:31:54 PM »
It's time to lay out to DH what is being cut out of your budget due to this unexpected expense.  If MIL hears too, so much the better.

shhh its me

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #55 on: January 05, 2014, 01:33:00 PM »
I would just get on the phone with MIL and say "I'm sorry but this won't be possible. DH agreed to it without consulting me and it is not in the budget."

Either that, or get your DH to call and explain the above to his mother.  Of course it was easy for him to agree, it's always easy to spend someone else's money!

I'm not sure about this idea. I'm a stay at home Mum at the moment. I don't make any money, but all of the money that comes into our house is 'my' money, and DH's of course. That's an issue between DH and me. I could absolutely volunteer us to take a bunch of people out to dinner and it wouldn't be out of line, regardless of the fact that I haven't actually earned any of the money that would be paying for it.

The OP's DH doing the same isn't an etiquette issue, it's a relationship one, and something they'll have to work out between them.

I had the same reaction(It's her money) at first and I do agree with you; Both people in a couple don't have to be "working" for it to be their money. On the other hand I do think its rude (in addition to a bunch of relationship issues) for a couple to agree on a financial plan and for one party to unilaterally deviate from the plan, especially in a way that solely benefits is for the non-earning party.

I don't think anyone has brought this up yet but since OP parents are part of OPs financial plan at the moment I think an argument could be made that its rude to them too.  OPs MIL and husband aren't just spending the couples money in effect they are spending OPs parents money *for however long the dinner extends OP's stay with her parents*  I'd help support my son and partner so they could save for home or to go to school but not so they could afford to treat partners relatives to fancy dinners. 

Myself this would absolutely be my hill to die on.  I would not be hosting this dinner.   That said you can invite your parents and you can pick the restaurant you can also host at home *assuming your parents are 100% ok with it*

Piratelvr1121

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #56 on: January 05, 2014, 01:47:37 PM »
My problem with this plan is that it's totally passive aggressive.  What OP really wants to do is tell her MIL that she's not paying, but she won't/can't say that.  So instead she is saying "I'll show you!" by changing the location and inviting more people.  If OP actually originally wanted to host a dinner out and wanted to invite her parents, that would be one thing.  But doing it specifically as a reaction to being bossed around by both her MIL and her husband isn't going to achieve the desired result.  I think it's only going to increase the drama in this already strained relationship

OP, my advice would be to drop the rope and not attend this dinner.  Your husband can make his own choices and you can deal with how he is spending your joint money however you prefer because that is a marriage decision and beyond the realm of etiquette.  If you want to invite your parents to dinner, do it another time and without the drama that MIL will inevitably bring.  Let's be honest, you are not really hosting this dinner even if you are paying.  Your MIL is the one in control so long as your dh is allowing it.  You are trying to come in after the fact and sabotage her plan instead of just saying no in the first place.  Understandable, maybe, but I don't really think it's going to get you the results you want.  You MIL is not going to suddenly realize that she did something wrong and respect you now.  She is who she is.  She will spin this to make you the bad guy and your problems will only get worse.  If you don't want to be bullied by her, the answer is saying NO and making boundaries, not passively aggressively upsetting her plan that your Dh is perfectly fine with.  If it were me, I'd be making this a hill to die on with my dh, but you are not me, and if you aren't going to say no to paying for this dinner then just let him go and plan your own dinner with your parents if you wish.  Don't use your parents to make a stand against your MIL.

I have to agree with Miranova here.  I really don't see anyone really winning in this "I'll show them!" tactic.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Jones

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #57 on: January 05, 2014, 02:30:52 PM »
I don't think it's "winning" though. I think it's having the event she WANTS to have, since she's paying for it anyway.

bloo

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #58 on: January 05, 2014, 03:59:27 PM »
I don't think it's "winning" though. I think it's having the event she WANTS to have, since she's paying for it anyway.

I agree with this. For some reason, not going through with the dinner is not an option. So since she has to host the dinner anyways she may as well do it in a way that makes her comfortable.  I would not like the idea of doing it just to get back at someone for to make me feel like I was winning.

gramma dishes

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #59 on: January 05, 2014, 04:10:57 PM »
Would the husband even allow* her to change the restaurant though?  It seems that he has committed to his Mom's plan that they're going to eat at Le Fanciest and pay for all the meals there and maybe he thinks it would be personally humiliating to back away from that plan.

[*It makes me horribly uncomfortable to use the word "allow" in this context, but I don't know another word to substitute that would be accurate.]