Author Topic: If you want me to pay...  (Read 17606 times)

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CakeEater

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #75 on: January 06, 2014, 11:41:10 PM »
I am a big believer in spousal money being "ours" not mine or yours.

I think it is a HUGE problem that DH is consulting with Mommy about how to spend the spousal income, rather than with his Wife.

I think that THIS was what was triggering "Hey, she is the one that is working, not him!" for many of us (certainly me) rather than that he was a full-time student. 

It is like he is treating the spousal money as his money.

Agreed. He is using the family money for something HE wants to do. It would be akin to him taking a chunk of the family money and buying a mountain bike, or Playstation, or whatever benefits him, but not so much the OP.

I would not think that "fulfilling a family obligation" (which is what the OP's husband probably views this as) is in *any* way analogous to him buying a Playstation, or something that benefits only him.

Because my husband's family obligations are my obligations as well.
   And tending to those family obligations benefits me, in excellent relationships with the extended family.

My DH and I have to negotiate so that we see these situations or obligations the same way. But there are times when he says, "This is our obligation as a family (which we are--a unit, one family) to our larger family." I don't agree; but he knows his family, and I trust him.
  And I do not consider that to be a selfish or frivolous move on his part.

I don't think the MIL is being appropriate, nor is the DH necessarily right.

But this is not the same thing as him taking the family's money and buying a Playstation.

I absolutely agree. I don't think OP's DH is doing the right thing, because obviously she is upset about it, but it's not the same thing as buying a playstation.

I think it is time DH got himself a part time job to pay for this dinner he agreed to.  Just because he is in school doesn't mean he can't work too.

Why would that money be any less the OP's money? Aren't they married? Honestly, if I want to spend a few hundred dollars on a gift to my parents, or my husband does, what's the difference? We have an arrangement whereby I don't earn any money at the moment. If I told my husband that I wanted to spend a few hundred dollars on a gift for my parents, but I'd go and get a part-time job to pay for it, because just because I'm a stay at home mum, doesn't mean I can't work too, he'd look at me like I had two heads. Money I earn is ours, and money he earns is ours.

It's just not universally rude for either partner to spend spousal money, regardless of who is earning it. It's an issue of communication between the couple about what their personal ideas and limits of spending are.

Danika

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #76 on: January 07, 2014, 02:18:38 AM »
I think that all big decisions that will affect both spouses should be discussed and agreed upon by both spouses. Even if the spouse who was the wage earner said "We're going to cross the Atlantic and stay in a fancy hotel for two weeks" that would be out of line. Even if they had the money for it, they might not have the time, or the spouse who didn't make the decision might not want to take a trip.

I think it's especially bad since they don't have extra income, but even if they did, and even if OP's husband were earning all the money, I think it would be mean of him to dictate to her, like she's subservient, that that's what they're going to do.

It's kind of like the PP said. It's as if he's married to his mother and the two of them are calling the shots and OP's not even in this decision. That's where I'd have the main issue with all of this if it were happening to me.

In OP's shoes, I'd definitely call MIL and tell her the dinner is off and not happening. And I wouldn't be there for sure.

But if OP would rather change the venue for whatever reason, I think the OP is within her rights to do that.

lkdrymom

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #77 on: January 07, 2014, 06:22:14 AM »
My reasoning for him to get a job and pay for the dinner is because he is spending money that they don't have to spend. This decision was made without consulting the OP. And I would be less upset over him buying a playstation...at least he would have something tangable, an expensive dinner is over in one night.  I also don't get the arguement that this is a family obligation.....since when is spending a boat load of money on family you barely know an obligation?

Zizi-K

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #78 on: January 07, 2014, 09:23:06 AM »
I'm just posting for an update from OP. You've gotten a lot of good advice...how did you handle it?

Petticoats

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #79 on: January 07, 2014, 09:55:26 AM »
But this is not the same thing as him taking the family's money and buying a Playstation.

No, it's like his mother said, "Buy a Playstation for your relatives out of your household income" and he said "Okay! Wife, we're doing this!"

I'm very much in favor of breaking down the numbers and showing husband the actual financial cost of letting his mom dictate your (plural) spending. No matter what the source of the household income, it's inappropriate for his mother to be the one dictating how it's spent, especially when it's a big sum.

Poppea

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #80 on: January 07, 2014, 07:37:34 PM »
If I recall correctly your husband has just finished service in the military and is now is school?  So as well as tuition, his benefits include a living stipend?  If so, he is contributing to the household budget even if he is not working.


VorFemme

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #81 on: January 07, 2014, 09:15:57 PM »
The one who pays the piper calls the tune - you're being told to pay for dinner.  Fine, you get to pick the dinner you're willing to pay for!
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LifeOnPluto

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #82 on: January 07, 2014, 09:29:32 PM »
But this is not the same thing as him taking the family's money and buying a Playstation.

No, it's like his mother said, "Buy a Playstation for your relatives out of your household income" and he said "Okay! Wife, we're doing this!"

I'm very much in favor of breaking down the numbers and showing husband the actual financial cost of letting his mom dictate your (plural) spending. No matter what the source of the household income, it's inappropriate for his mother to be the one dictating how it's spent, especially when it's a big sum.

Thanks Petticoats, that's a much better analogy!

I also agree the OP should sit down with her husband and look at their budget and figure out where the extra money is going to come from.

Ceallach

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #83 on: January 07, 2014, 09:38:09 PM »
If I recall correctly your husband has just finished service in the military and is now is school?  So as well as tuition, his benefits include a living stipend?  If so, he is contributing to the household budget even if he is not working.

I agree, and I kind of shudder at any illusions people are making to it being the OP's money so her call as to whether they pay or not or even attend the dinner.     I know I said "he who has the gold makes the rules" in my post, but I was referring to the OP and her husband versus the MIL, e.g. they are the ones paying therefore they are the ones who decide on the location and guestlist as opposed to the MIL.   Definitely not that it's the OP's money so she can decide whether or not they do it at all and veto her husband!   

In many households it's the reverse, the man is the breadwinner, but that doesn't mean the woman can't decide to treat her mother to dinner out, the one working outside the home doesn't get to make all of the decisions on where the money goes.   That's a relationship decision in terms of how money is handled and budgeted, not etiquette.   The etiquette of the matter is about the MIL and her voluntelling them to host, and how they handle that.     *If* they decide they are going - and again, that's a relationship decision, if it's important to the DH it's up to the OP to decide whether to take a stand or not - then it's more about what terms they host on and if they do try to make changes to the event to make it more appealing to what they want. 
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weeblewobble

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #84 on: January 07, 2014, 10:57:02 PM »
While we both contribute to the family pot, DH handles the books because he doesn't cry when confronted with long division.  Last year, we saw that his parents were having a serious one-time financial difficulty (home repairs.) He asked me how I would feel about helping them. We had a long, calm discussion about it.  After going over the various pros and cons, we decided TOGETHER that we would give them a one time gift to take care of the issue. 

That's what this situation is supposed to look like.

Even though we could afford it, which is not the OP's case, I would have felt hurt, resentful and angry if DH had told me we were giving his parents the money no matter how I felt about it, and he was putting his foot down, end of discussion.

The money isn't the problem, his lack of care about her feelings is the problem.

Danika

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #85 on: January 07, 2014, 11:41:27 PM »
The money isn't the problem, his lack of care about her feelings is the problem.

POD

kitchcat

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #86 on: January 08, 2014, 12:29:50 AM »
I'm just posting for an update from OP. You've gotten a lot of good advice...how did you handle it?

I went with my original plan: I called MIL and told her we would not be able to host the dinner at Fancy Place. Well, it was actually a brunch (think of one of those country club type things on Sunday with a special menu). I blamed it on a schedule conflict, saying we could do dinner instead of brunch (thus eliminating the option of FP as they do not serve dinner) and said we should meet at Other Restaurant instead. She balked a bit, but I basically said we could do dinner at OR or nothing. She caved. We had a nice dinner (my parents came too) for a very affordable price.
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Mel the Redcap

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #87 on: January 08, 2014, 02:10:43 AM »
I'm just posting for an update from OP. You've gotten a lot of good advice...how did you handle it?

I went with my original plan: I called MIL and told her we would not be able to host the dinner at Fancy Place. Well, it was actually a brunch (think of one of those country club type things on Sunday with a special menu). I blamed it on a schedule conflict, saying we could do dinner instead of brunch (thus eliminating the option of FP as they do not serve dinner) and said we should meet at Other Restaurant instead. She balked a bit, but I basically said we could do dinner at OR or nothing. She caved. We had a nice dinner (my parents came too) for a very affordable price.

Nicely handled! ;D
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missmolly

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #88 on: January 08, 2014, 07:34:39 AM »
I'm just posting for an update from OP. You've gotten a lot of good advice...how did you handle it?

I went with my original plan: I called MIL and told her we would not be able to host the dinner at Fancy Place. Well, it was actually a brunch (think of one of those country club type things on Sunday with a special menu). I blamed it on a schedule conflict, saying we could do dinner instead of brunch (thus eliminating the option of FP as they do not serve dinner) and said we should meet at Other Restaurant instead. She balked a bit, but I basically said we could do dinner at OR or nothing. She caved. We had a nice dinner (my parents came too) for a very affordable price.

Nicely handled! ;D

That was a good way to solve the immediate problem, but I think you and DH need to get across to MIL that she can't voluntell you like this, particularly when it involves a large amount of money on your part. Of course, that will mean that you need to get DH to realise this too. Either way, you shouldn't have to go through this again.
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Piratelvr1121

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Re: If you want me to pay...
« Reply #89 on: January 08, 2014, 08:09:06 AM »
While we both contribute to the family pot, DH handles the books because he doesn't cry when confronted with long division.  Last year, we saw that his parents were having a serious one-time financial difficulty (home repairs.) He asked me how I would feel about helping them. We had a long, calm discussion about it.  After going over the various pros and cons, we decided TOGETHER that we would give them a one time gift to take care of the issue. 

That's what this situation is supposed to look like.

Even though we could afford it, which is not the OP's case, I would have felt hurt, resentful and angry if DH had told me we were giving his parents the money no matter how I felt about it, and he was putting his foot down, end of discussion.

The money isn't the problem, his lack of care about her feelings is the problem.

I had to smile because it's the same way in our house.  I always say I'd figure out a way to cope if something ever happened to DH (God forbid) but math is not my strongest subject by any stretch of the imagination. 

Now I used to put more decisions in his hands but recently we've been consulting on more expenditures than we used to. 
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