But I don't want to cook 2 meals...

[Outdoor Girl]

I agree with all the previous posters -
the only thing I can add is that when I was on it, I used to really struggle allocating points for meals I didn't cook and would avoid stuff I wasn't sure of (never asked anyone for a different choice, but I would only eat a bit of it or stick to the salad etc) - you shouldn't feel obliged at all to but, maybe if you tell her what's in it she can check the point total and plan a bit easier?

I would be careful of going this route.  For one meal, or every so often, it might be ok.  But when I had to deal with my friend on the low carb diet asking me constantly "How much sugar is in this?"  "How much molasses is in this?"  "How much flour is in this?" "How much honey is in this?" for all the food I made, it got exhausting really fast to have to look that up and be asked about it, and made me feel like a restaurant not like a friend.

I'd send her the recipe(s) ahead of time and let her figure it out for herself.  Then the day of the party, invite her to the kitchen when you are plating or preparing your family style serving bowls and allow her to serve herself the portion she wishes to eat.

[Winterlight]

Friend wants to change the menu. Which at best tends to upset other people  that wanted the orginal menu and were looking forward to it.

You know, my response to those people would be, "suck it up! Your host chooses the menu. Your host is not a restaurant."

However, if you're billed your event as Susie's Lobster Roll Feast, it's not unreasonable that they are disappointed when it becomes Susie's Plain Roast Chicken Party. And I say this as someone who's allergic to lobster.

[TurtleDove]

The friend is being SS. Given her past success, surely she can navigate one meal that is not what she may have wanted. She has many options, from declining, to bringing her own food, to managing her portions, to ______. A particular food does not cause a person to become or stay overweight. It's lifestyle choices as a whole, over time. Clearly, given her success losing weight, the friend has the ability to make lifestyle choices long term that allow her to reach her goals. I don't inherent and why now she would expect the OP to take over that responsibility.

[Dorrie78]

I agree with all the previous posters -
the only thing I can add is that when I was on it, I used to really struggle allocating points for meals I didn't cook and would avoid stuff I wasn't sure of (never asked anyone for a different choice, but I would only eat a bit of it or stick to the salad etc) - you shouldn't feel obliged at all to but, maybe if you tell her what's in it she can check the point total and plan a bit easier?

I would be careful of going this route.  For one meal, or every so often, it might be ok.  But when I had to deal with my friend on the low carb diet asking me constantly "How much sugar is in this?"  "How much molasses is in this?"  "How much flour is in this?" "How much honey is in this?" for all the food I made, it got exhausting really fast to have to look that up and be asked about it, and made me feel like a restaurant not like a friend.

I'd send her the recipe(s) ahead of time and let her figure it out for herself.  Then the day of the party, invite her to the kitchen when you are plating or preparing your family style serving bowls and allow her to serve herself the portion she wishes to eat.

Much of what I cook doesn't come from a written down recipe or it is something I've torn out of a magazine, making it too much trouble to send out. I think it is more than enough to say that I'll be serving a roast chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans (as an example), without sending an exact recipe. If I'm alerted to a specific allergy or ingredient that is a problem, I can account for it - either leave it out or make it clear that it is included.

But I agree that it would be very kind to allow her to come into the kitchen and make her own plate, if the OP doesn't plan on serving family-style.

It sounds like the OP is very supportive of her friends and wants to include her, but she also needs to balance that with her own sanity and the needs and desires of her other guests.

[Another Sarah]

I agree with all the previous posters -
the only thing I can add is that when I was on it, I used to really struggle allocating points for meals I didn't cook and would avoid stuff I wasn't sure of (never asked anyone for a different choice, but I would only eat a bit of it or stick to the salad etc) - you shouldn't feel obliged at all to but, maybe if you tell her what's in it she can check the point total and plan a bit easier?

I would be careful of going this route.  For one meal, or every so often, it might be ok.  But when I had to deal with my friend on the low carb diet asking me constantly "How much sugar is in this?"  "How much molasses is in this?"  "How much flour is in this?" "How much honey is in this?" for all the food I made, it got exhausting really fast to have to look that up and be asked about it, and made me feel like a restaurant not like a friend.

I'd send her the recipe(s) ahead of time and let her figure it out for herself.  Then the day of the party, invite her to the kitchen when you are plating or preparing your family style serving bowls and allow her to serve herself the portion she wishes to eat.

Much of what I cook doesn't come from a written down recipe or it is something I've torn out of a magazine, making it too much trouble to send out. I think it is more than enough to say that I'll be serving a roast chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans (as an example), without sending an exact recipe. If I'm alerted to a specific allergy or ingredient that is a problem, I can account for it - either leave it out or make it clear that it is included.

But I agree that it would be very kind to allow her to come into the kitchen and make her own plate, if the OP doesn't plan on serving family-style.

It sounds like the OP is very supportive of her friends and wants to include her, but she also needs to balance that with her own sanity and the needs and desires of her other guests.

I agree that should be plenty, I was thinking more along the lines of "my spanish style chicken is chicken, olives, chopped tomatoes and chorizo with red peppers. I dry-fry it in a little oil" if it's something that could be different for different people.

But I only suggested it as a potential favour and a way to help guest be more certain how to account for what she was eating, I certainly don't think OP is obliged to do anything.

[siamesecat2965]

I agree with PPs that you are absolutely not under an obligation to provide a 2nd meal. I think it would be kind to make modifications where you can do so easily - eg serving sauce separately so guests can chose whether/how much to add, serving salad undressed, butter on he side rather than already on food etc.
Let people serve themselves with vegetables etc rather than plating these up, so they can take as much or little as they want.

 

To me, this is fine. I do it anyway, since everyone has different likes and dislikes. In terms of how much dressing one puts on salad, and preference or not for butter on veggies (I detest it). I will also, when serviing, ask people, say wiht pasta and sauce "is this enough, do you want more sauce?" and so on.

I do have a funny story, that's kind of related. I watched my mom's friend's dog while I was there at Christmas. She got back the night before I left, and offered to make dinner; beef borgenion, and bring it over. So she comes, and I cook the noodles. As we are draining them, before I could even open my mouth, she says "let's put some butter on so they don't stick" took the butter that was in plain sight, literally HALF a stick, and dumped it in.  I was like, uh uh uh, not only beacuse I detest butter on noodles but it was just sooooo much!

[DragonKitty]

The guest does not get to dictate the menu.

This weekend I went to a SCA event that served feast.  I do have issues with wheat and white rice.  So when dishes were served containing said items, I didn't make a fuss, I just ate other things.  First course was rolls with butter, some kind of cheese,  and smoked trout with lettuce.  I took some of the trout and lettuce, some of the cheese, and avoided the rest of it.  Same with the other courses.  And desert was bread products, and some clementines.  I did not fuss about it, I took a couple of clementines.  And then ate chocolate when we got home  ( I got to have some of my husband cinnamon dark chocolate fudge-mmmmmmmm).

Don't let her push you into making different things.  Stick with the menu you have planned

[White Lotus]

No matter what the diet is, well-meaning friends can leave someone invited to a meal with literally nothing they can eat.  A low-carb person would have a rough time in our vegetarian household, though if I knew, I could probably rustle up an omelet or something.  However, I went to a dinner once where the menu was outlined for me in advance and it seemed like there would be plenty for me, but absolutely EVERYTHING except the dessert had BACON or another MEAT in it.  Salad dressing (already on the salad), in the green beans, in the potatoes, and I was STARVING.  The appetizers were sliced meat sausages between slices of cheese, so I couldn't even pick out the cheese, because the meat fat would make me sick.  I can see somebody doing WW being left at a total loss for a compliant meal, with the heavy oil or cream salad dressing, already on the salad, which also contains meat and cheese, butter on those nice green beans, butter and sour cream and maybe cheese on those lovely potatoes, and the dessert, well, let us not go there.  I don't think Friend is wrong for asking for some accommodation, like leaving the butter off the beans, the dressing off the salad, both served on the side, and having a plain potato set aside.  Roasted vegetables are great for everybody -- we use a tiny spritz of oil, and herbs and they taste like luxury, yet would be WW friendly.  I wouldn't at all mind setting aside portions with dressings and sauces on the side.  I'd be a vegan if it weren't for butter and cheese, and we like sauces and spices.

[TurtleDove]

No matter what the diet is, well-meaning friends can leave someone invited to a meal with literally nothing they can eat. 

For me, this is a choice people are making.  They "can" eat things, they just choose not to, which is fine.  But I wouldn't expect someone else to cater to my choices.  And again, no particular food makes anyone fat.  If a person chooses not to eat something, more power to them. But then bring your own substitute or eat before hand.  The gathering, in my opinion, should be about the fellowship first, and this friend is making it about HER. 

[Harriet Jones]

No matter what the diet is, well-meaning friends can leave someone invited to a meal with literally nothing they can eat. 

For me, this is a choice people are making.  They "can" eat things, they just choose not to, which is fine.  But I wouldn't expect someone else to cater to my choices.  And again, no particular food makes anyone fat.  If a person chooses not to eat something, more power to them. But then bring your own substitute or eat before hand.  The gathering, in my opinion, should be about the fellowship first, and this friend is making it about HER.

I think what White Lotus means is that it would actually cause physical discomfort for her to eat the meat.  Choosing not to spend the evening in the bathroom is not the same as choosing not to eat something because of the calorie content.

[TurtleDove]

My comment was about the friend in the OP, but I still maintain that a person should take responsibility for her own dietary choices. A person will not starve missing one meal, and it is easy to either eat before or after or bring your own "acceptable" food.

[bloo]

My comment was about the friend in the OP, but I still maintain that a person should take responsibility for her own dietary choices. A person will not starve missing one meal, and it is easy to either eat before or after or bring your own "acceptable" food.

I definitely agree with this. I have food restrictions that I absolutely take 100% responsibility for. If there is nothing to eat, it's not usually a problem as I pre-eat so I'm not starving, just in case I can't eat anything. And I'm unobtrusive as I'll take small amounts of a couple of things on a plate and eat slowly or dawdle (I don't actually have allergies at this point, just sensitivities coupled with a health condition that requires care in my food choices). As TurtleDove said, it's about the fellowship. The food is important, but not the most important thing.

I think I've mentioned this before long ago, but my friend, Jessica, was on the Carbohydrate Addicts diet years ago and the only thing she asked of me is if she could have her dessert right after eating instead of waiting as I'm usually fairly negligent at getting dessert out right away. This is no stress on me.

I would never make two separate meals. Friend can deal or not come. She's being self-centered and it's not good to cater to that sort of thinking. If she hosted regularly, she'd understand what she was asking. 

[Dragonflymom]

I've lost about 50 pounds in the past year, and nobody who hosted me was even aware I have been watching what I eat til they noticed I looked different than the last time they saw me.  It is completely possibly to exercise portion control without making a nuisance of myself to my hosts and demanding special meals.  In the scheme of things, one meal of eating something that may not be ideal that a host prepared for me is not going to screw up long term healthy diet and exercise habits, especially not to the point of making a nuisance of myself to a friend.

Yeah watching what one eats is not always easy.  But it's on the dieter to figure it out, and either accept the hospitality as given or offer to bring something, or eat smaller portion or possibly avoid some of the most problematic foods.

[m2kbug]

My comment was about the friend in the OP, but I still maintain that a person should take responsibility for her own dietary choices. A person will not starve missing one meal, and it is easy to either eat before or after or bring your own "acceptable" food.

I definitely agree with this. I have food restrictions that I absolutely take 100% responsibility for. If there is nothing to eat, it's not usually a problem as I pre-eat so I'm not starving, just in case I can't eat anything. And I'm unobtrusive as I'll take small amounts of a couple of things on a plate and eat slowly or dawdle (I don't actually have allergies at this point, just sensitivities coupled with a health condition that requires care in my food choices). As TurtleDove said, it's about the fellowship. The food is important, but not the most important thing.

I think I've mentioned this before long ago, but my friend, Jessica, was on the Carbohydrate Addicts diet years ago and the only thing she asked of me is if she could have her dessert right after eating instead of waiting as I'm usually fairly negligent at getting dessert out right away. This is no stress on me.

I would never make two separate meals. Friend can deal or not come. She's being self-centered and it's not good to cater to that sort of thinking. If she hosted regularly, she'd understand what she was asking.

My MIL and I did the Carbohydrate Addict's diet at the same time.  I remember her reminding me to get that dessert out, our hour was almost up!

I think in the case of dieting, one night where you stray off course a little, is not something that's going to thwart your efforts.  If this friend ate out a lot or had a lot of social engagements, I can see worrying a lot more about food choices, but once in awhile, I think that even if some of the foods offered don't 100% fit the "approved" list, some slight modifications like portion size and maybe skip the rolls or starchy vegetables is adequate enough to have a nice meal without completely derailing the diet.  A person can make some food modifications the day of or the day following to make up for some indulgences at the party. 

[bloo]

My comment was about the friend in the OP, but I still maintain that a person should take responsibility for her own dietary choices. A person will not starve missing one meal, and it is easy to either eat before or after or bring your own "acceptable" food.

I definitely agree with this. I have food restrictions that I absolutely take 100% responsibility for. If there is nothing to eat, it's not usually a problem as I pre-eat so I'm not starving, just in case I can't eat anything. And I'm unobtrusive as I'll take small amounts of a couple of things on a plate and eat slowly or dawdle (I don't actually have allergies at this point, just sensitivities coupled with a health condition that requires care in my food choices). As TurtleDove said, it's about the fellowship. The food is important, but not the most important thing.

I think I've mentioned this before long ago, but my friend, Jessica, was on the Carbohydrate Addicts diet years ago and the only thing she asked of me is if she could have her dessert right after eating instead of waiting as I'm usually fairly negligent at getting dessert out right away. This is no stress on me.

I would never make two separate meals. Friend can deal or not come. She's being self-centered and it's not good to cater to that sort of thinking. If she hosted regularly, she'd understand what she was asking.

My MIL and I did the Carbohydrate Addict's diet at the same time.  I remember her reminding me to get that dessert out, our hour was almost up!

I think in the case of dieting, one night where you stray off course a little, is not something that's going to thwart your efforts.  If this friend ate out a lot or had a lot of social engagements, I can see worrying a lot more about food choices, but once in awhile, I think that even if some of the foods offered don't 100% fit the "approved" list, some slight modifications like portion size and maybe skip the rolls or starchy vegetables is adequate enough to have a nice meal without completely derailing the diet.  A person can make some food modifications the day of or the day following to make up for some indulgences at the party.

Yeah my friend lost 40 lbs alone without even exercising on that diet.

As regards the bolded in your last post, totally true.

I started making lifestyle adjustments 5 years ago, which resulted in a 70 lb. weight loss over the course of a year. One of the ways I handled dinners with friends and parties was that no one was going to see me 'suffer' while dieting. Talking about dieting is one of the most boring topics imaginable to everyone except (sometimes*) the dieter.

So I'd eat what others were eating, but only 1 slice of pizza or one cookie for dessert or have one alcoholic beverage. The only reason people figured out I was making changes in eating and exercise was that they couldn't help but notice that I was starting to shrink. So the 'suffering' was what I did at home, not in front of other people. And suffering is a relative term since I felt better adjusting my eating habits so of course I wasn't really suffering. One meal, even once a week, didn't hurt my all-over lifestyle. 




*There's nothing wrong with being a listening ear for a friend that's making adjustments in this area and needs to talk or vent about it. But some people are so eager and zealous that they act like the world is their confidant. And it isn't.