Author Topic: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...  (Read 12766 times)

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Twik

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #75 on: January 09, 2014, 04:40:01 PM »
I think that if a friend said, "I can't eat that" and nothing else, then she IS leaving it to me to "solve" her problem. She needs to offer a suggestion or solution. Otherwise, I will believe that she wants me to make something else.

We will have to agree to disagree.  There is just no reason to believe that "I can't eat that" makes it your problem to solve.  You could say "that's too bad...what do you want to do about it?"  There are so many other answers other than jumping in to solve a problem that's not yours.

I must agree with gmatoy. If I invite someone to eat with me, and they say "I can't eat that," and add nothing else, I would have to assume either they want me to change the menu, or they have decided not to eat with me.
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miranova

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #76 on: January 09, 2014, 10:02:55 PM »
Well my point wasn't that you'd necessarily be wrong in your assumption, just that there is no reason to assume in the first place.  I would not assume that someone wants me to cook them a separate meal unless they came right out and said "can you cook me something else?"  Otherwise I'm not going to act as if I have no choice but to do something they never actually asked.  The OP has options other than assuming something not said and acting on it.

Raintree

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #77 on: January 10, 2014, 12:02:45 AM »
"Oh, I can't eat that."

"Well, the invitation stands, but I understand your reasoning if you decide not to join in. If you do come, we'd love your company and feel free to bring a dish you can eat."

KenveeB

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #78 on: January 10, 2014, 12:34:50 AM »
POD to the others -- I'm on WW too, and I work my own way around dinner parties. The most I've asked is to get my salad before the dressing is put on or to have some sauce on the side, but only if I can ask unobtrusively and without it being a big problem to comply. I only do that with people I'm very close to anyway. I think when Friend says "I can't eat that", your response is some variant of "I'm sorry about that, do you still want to come?" You might mention the things that she could do to modify -- "there will be plenty of salad and roasted veggies if you don't want much of the chicken friend steak" -- but you're not under any obligation to. It's her problem, leave it hers. I ask questions and figure out how to make things work for me, she can do the same.

kategillian

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #79 on: January 10, 2014, 08:14:16 AM »
0P here! Just to clarify, when she said, I can't eat that, she absolutely meant for me to either change my menu or make her a completely separate meal. I've known her for 20 years, and this is not uncommon behavior. She is a very dear friend who has many many fabulous attributes, but whenever I have a party, she tends to want to dictate who I invite and what I serve. This is a very small part of her personality, and something that I am absolutely willing to put up with, because she is such a wonderful person in many other ways. on the other hand, I had the dinner party on Tuesday and she ate what everyone else ate. I took everyones advice, and when she brought it up again, and expressed concern about what would be served, I just kept my mouth shut and let her decide whether or not she wanted to come. And she did!

MindsEye

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #80 on: January 10, 2014, 10:31:51 AM »
I had the dinner party on Tuesday and she ate what everyone else ate. I took everyones advice, and when she brought it up again, and expressed concern about what would be served, I just kept my mouth shut and let her decide whether or not she wanted to come. And she did!

So when she said "I can't eat that" what she really meant was "I don't want to eat that".   ::)

Good for you for standing up to that!  Now you know that if you just ignore her "requests" (demands) she has no problem with showing up and eating your intended meal anyway. 

Petticoats

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #81 on: January 10, 2014, 10:35:45 AM »
Great update, OP! I'm glad you didn't go to the trouble to make something extra for your friend. It sounds like you've found a good way to navigate a recurring situation.

jaxsue

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #82 on: January 10, 2014, 11:47:30 AM »
0P here! Just to clarify, when she said, I can't eat that, she absolutely meant for me to either change my menu or make her a completely separate meal. I've known her for 20 years, and this is not uncommon behavior. She is a very dear friend who has many many fabulous attributes, but whenever I have a party, she tends to want to dictate who I invite and what I serve. This is a very small part of her personality, and something that I am absolutely willing to put up with, because she is such a wonderful person in many other ways. on the other hand, I had the dinner party on Tuesday and she ate what everyone else ate. I took everyones advice, and when she brought it up again, and expressed concern about what would be served, I just kept my mouth shut and let her decide whether or not she wanted to come. And she did!

Per the bolded: That is really Special Snowflake behavior! I have dietary restrictions (diabetes is nothing to mess with), but I'd never demand or expect someone to make a meal separate from other guests' meals.  :o

TootsNYC

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #83 on: January 10, 2014, 11:52:01 AM »
0P here! Just to clarify, when she said, I can't eat that, she absolutely meant for me to either change my menu or make her a completely separate meal. I've known her for 20 years, and this is not uncommon behavior. She is a very dear friend who has many many fabulous attributes, but whenever I have a party, she tends to want to dictate who I invite and what I serve. This is a very small part of her personality, and something that I am absolutely willing to put up with, because she is such a wonderful person in many other ways. on the other hand, I had the dinner party on Tuesday and she ate what everyone else ate. I took everyones advice, and when she brought it up again, and expressed concern about what would be served, I just kept my mouth shut and let her decide whether or not she wanted to come. And she did!

Actually, by putting up with it, you've been training her that this *is* appropriate from her (as lacey put it on another thread recently).

It's not, of course. So I think you need to start training her the other way. Think of it as being for her own good--this is rude of her, to drop these sorts of hints, but if everyone she does it to doesn't object, she'll think it's fine, that you like accommodating her!

So just keep doing what you did. Or, say in a slightly humorous tone, "Well, I'm not going to make a special meal just for you! Will you be able to eat what we're having, or are you going to decide not to come because you don't like the menu?"

It's not rude, but it isn't all sunshine and light--and it's a response that she -needs- right now, because she's got inaccurate information in her brain.

If she's so wonderful in other ways, she can be trained out of this.

cicero

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #84 on: January 11, 2014, 03:09:13 AM »
I had the dinner party on Tuesday and she ate what everyone else ate. I took everyones advice, and when she brought it up again, and expressed concern about what would be served, I just kept my mouth shut and let her decide whether or not she wanted to come. And she did!

So when she said "I can't eat that" what she really meant was "I don't want to eat that".   ::)

Good for you for standing up to that!  Now you know that if you just ignore her "requests" (demands) she has no problem with showing up and eating your intended meal anyway.
Good for you - very positive update

I think there is a huge difference between*can't* and *prefer not to*, as some of the posts here related to allergy stories. If someone chooses to low carb it or do WW, then it's on them to either figure out what they can eat or decline the invitation. That us not the same as an allergy. As for diabetes- again, my experience was with my late mother who had diabetes type one for as long as I can remember and I never ever heard her complain or ask the menu or make a fuss. She took full responsibility for her illness. The mist she would do was quietly ask if there is sugar in something. If there wasn't a suitable dessert then she didn't have dessert. If the food had too much carbs/sugar, she did the best she could.

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camlan

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #85 on: January 11, 2014, 10:45:55 AM »
I had the dinner party on Tuesday and she ate what everyone else ate. I took everyones advice, and when she brought it up again, and expressed concern about what would be served, I just kept my mouth shut and let her decide whether or not she wanted to come. And she did!

So when she said "I can't eat that" what she really meant was "I don't want to eat that".   ::)

Good for you for standing up to that!  Now you know that if you just ignore her "requests" (demands) she has no problem with showing up and eating your intended meal anyway.
Good for you - very positive update

I think there is a huge difference between*can't* and *prefer not to*, as some of the posts here related to allergy stories. If someone chooses to low carb it or do WW, then it's on them to either figure out what they can eat or decline the invitation. That us not the same as an allergy. As for diabetes- again, my experience was with my late mother who had diabetes type one for as long as I can remember and I never ever heard her complain or ask the menu or make a fuss. She took full responsibility for her illness. The mist she would do was quietly ask if there is sugar in something. If there wasn't a suitable dessert then she didn't have dessert. If the food had too much carbs/sugar, she did the best she could.

My dad had type 2 diabetes and was pretty much the same. He could eat anything; he just needed to adjust his food intake and medication for the rest of the day.

The one thing he really needed when visiting someone else's house was to know when the food was going to be served. He ran into problems with one relative, who would invite people over for dinner at 1 pm, and then not serve the food until 5 pm. A half an hour either way probably wouldn't have been a problem, but he had medication that he had to take prior to eating, and he never knew when the meals would actually be at this one house. So he just stopped accepting invitations there.
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cicero

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Re: But I don't want to cook 2 meals...
« Reply #86 on: January 11, 2014, 10:55:33 AM »
I had the dinner party on Tuesday and she ate what everyone else ate. I took everyones advice, and when she brought it up again, and expressed concern about what would be served, I just kept my mouth shut and let her decide whether or not she wanted to come. And she did!

So when she said "I can't eat that" what she really meant was "I don't want to eat that".   ::)

Good for you for standing up to that!  Now you know that if you just ignore her "requests" (demands) she has no problem with showing up and eating your intended meal anyway.
Good for you - very positive update

I think there is a huge difference between*can't* and *prefer not to*, as some of the posts here related to allergy stories. If someone chooses to low carb it or do WW, then it's on them to either figure out what they can eat or decline the invitation. That us not the same as an allergy. As for diabetes- again, my experience was with my late mother who had diabetes type one for as long as I can remember and I never ever heard her complain or ask the menu or make a fuss. She took full responsibility for her illness. The mist she would do was quietly ask if there is sugar in something. If there wasn't a suitable dessert then she didn't have dessert. If the food had too much carbs/sugar, she did the best she could.

My dad had type 2 diabetes and was pretty much the same. He could eat anything; he just needed to adjust his food intake and medication for the rest of the day.

The one thing he really needed when visiting someone else's house was to know when the food was going to be served. He ran into problems with one relative, who would invite people over for dinner at 1 pm, and then not serve the food until 5 pm. A half an hour either way probably wouldn't have been a problem, but he had medication that he had to take prior to eating, and he never knew when the meals would actually be at this one house. So he just stopped accepting invitations there.
Oh absolutely.  My mother passed away in 1986, so  medication was done a bit differently- she took her meds once a day for the most part. On days when she burned a lot of calories ( e.g., we went on a hike) she would make additional adjustments as needed.and she never left the house without chocolate or raisins.

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