Author Topic: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?  (Read 14130 times)

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StarFaerie

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #15 on: January 11, 2014, 06:05:09 PM »
Regarding the computer, I feel that anyone who requires an aid for their disability who is visiting a private house is responsible for providing their own aid and therefore you should bring your own computer/laptop/tablet if you need it and not expect to use someone else's. I do not feel it would be rude for you to use it during a conversation as normal etiquette rules do not necessarily apply when a disability is involved, as long as others aren't inconvenienced.

I find myself wondering why your cousin wants to use aunt's computer specifically. Maybe he's lonely or maybe there is something else he prefers about it. If he's lonely, have you considered playing something with him?

I also don't think you can ask him to leave while the adults chat, that's up to your aunt or his parents, but you could have a quiet word in your aunt's ear and discretely suggest that maybe this topic would be best discussed without kiddies around.

AnnaJ

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #16 on: January 11, 2014, 06:21:16 PM »
I think there are two separate questions here - is it OK to ask that children not be present (in the room) while visiting, and the second regarding the OP's ADD issue; unfortunately, the second issue complicated the first.

Some questions:

Is there another place - living room, dining room, other public (not bedroom) place for grandson to go with his laptop?  Conversely, is there another public room for you and your mom and aunt to go and visit, which would allow grandson to play on the computer? 

As for your need to have another activity - does your aunt know about it?  I don't mean, oh yeah, cleverkate has some issue, I mean does she really understand that (assuming it's a fact) you have been diagnosed with this issue and that medical advice is that you have another distraction available - in other words, you aren't being rude (in case she is annoyed that you are using her computer during the visit).

Does it have to be an electronic device you need, or will a magazine or book do?  If it has to be an electronic device, you probably should have a portable one you can use for these situations.

Finally, yes in the end it's your aunt's decision how to host and your decision about whether or not to accept.

Edited to change to ADD.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2014, 06:23:05 PM by AnnaJ »

LizC

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #17 on: January 11, 2014, 07:08:03 PM »
Something that helps many people who need a physical and mental bit of stimulation to be able to relax into a social discussion is handwork--like knitting. Sometimes really cool complex knitting, and sometimes just easy stuff.

I do think OP needs to look at other options for medical needs, and can't really dictate the sort of hospitality Auntie provides. Might be a good idea for Mom and OP to invite Auntie over to their own place for visits in a cleaner, better-arranged-for-comfort environment.

blarg314

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #18 on: January 11, 2014, 07:40:07 PM »

I get the impression that a lot of your annoyance comes from the fact that your Aunt is not doing things the way you want her to, not because she's doing anything rude. There are enough seats for everyone - but you don't want to use *that* seat. The kid is on the computer the whole time you're visiting - but *you* want to be on the computer the whole time you're visiting and resent his presence.

For the computer - it makes a lot more sense for you to bring a laptop or tablet with you, rather than expecting your host to provide a computer for you. For the rest - you can suggest meeting at other venues, or have her over to her place, or not visit.

I agree with PPs, though, that you can't kick the kid out of the room yourself - that's your aunt's prerogative.


TootsNYC

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #19 on: January 11, 2014, 07:45:33 PM »
Is there a family living room? I think a guest could say, "With all of us in here, this room is a little crowded, and the computer is distracting. Could we sit in the dining room around the table?"

But you live with the answer.

m2kbug

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2014, 07:56:29 PM »
I wonder if it is impossible to meet in the living room, kitchen/dining room, or sit outside if the weather is nice.  Does this visiting have to take place in the computer room?  "Could we sit in the living room so Bobby can play his game and we can talk?"

Can any comfortable chairs be easily transported into the room for the visit?  Aunt could, if she considers it, ask her grandson to use a different chair for the duration of the visit so Mom and OP could have the computer chairs that are perhaps more comfortable?  Or the OP can suggest, "Do you mind if we pull in another chair so we don't have to squish on the sofa?" 


Alpacas

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #21 on: January 11, 2014, 08:07:04 PM »
I find myself wondering why your cousin wants to use aunt's computer specifically. Maybe he's lonely or maybe there is something else he prefers about it. If he's lonely, have you considered playing something with him?


If i were a 10 year old boy...then my reason for using Aunts PC instead of my brand new own laptop would be that my Parents check what i'm doing on my own laptop or even installed parenting software. Thats not the case with Aunts PC. And maybe he already saved links and favourites, gamesaves and others on that PC.

Even now, at 30 i do predominantly use my PC although i have a shiny new laptop because of all the links and saves and games i have on there.

White Lotus

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2014, 08:07:54 PM »
I wonder what it is that nephew Bobby is doing on THAT computer that he cannot do on his own or another in the house!  No parental controls, maybe?
In MY family, and this may be cultural, it would be perfectly fine FOR ME to say, "Bobby, shoo.  This is grown up time.  Go do something else for an hour."  (whine, whine, whine.). "We're grownups, you're a kid.  Do as your are asked.   Or would you rather show me exactly WHAT you are doing on that computer?  I might like to do it with you."  (See Bobby run.)   If that approach wasn't indicated, and many here think it isn't, I might say, "Aunt, let's go to the living room/out for coffee, because there isn't quite enough room in here."  And I would own -- and do -- an iPad, though my daughter adores her Kindle Fire, and if I had your issues, I would use it as needed.
Just out of curiosity, have you tried playing with Bobby at whatever it is he is doing?

TurtleDove

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2014, 08:10:50 PM »
OP, I think you should take a look at adjusting your own attitude and behavior before asking a person who lives in the house to get off the computer so you can use it. While I would still find it rude for you to be on the computer instead of actually visiting, consider bringing your own device. What do you do when you go places that don't have a computer for you to use? Whatever you do then, plan to do when visiting these people.

Jones

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #24 on: January 11, 2014, 08:58:05 PM »
Oh! It could be that the household adults prefer he use the computer in the room with adults, just so he CAN be observed and ensure he's using age appropriate programs! I didn't even think of that earlier.

Zizi-K

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #25 on: January 11, 2014, 09:59:52 PM »
This is just a suggestion: have you ever considered taking up knitting or crocheting or needlepoint, etc? It's a nice activity that keeps your hands (and mind, to some extent) occupied, and when you don't have access to a computer it could be something that would help you socialize. Just a thought.

The Wild One, Forever

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #26 on: January 11, 2014, 10:12:33 PM »
OP, I think you should take a look at adjusting your own attitude and behavior before asking a person who lives in the house to get off the computer so you can use it. While I would still find it rude for you to be on the computer instead of actually visiting, consider bringing your own device. What do you do when you go places that don't have a computer for you to use? Whatever you do then, plan to do when visiting these people.

^^This.^^   I am also curious as to what you do when you go somewhere there isn't a computer available for you to use.

As far as the child being in the room, I believe it is totally up to your aunt to decide if that's acceptable.  It's her home and her space.  Other posters have suggested that you visit at your home rather than hers, or at a coffee shop or other location, and I think that's a good idea, unless your aunt is in poor health and has difficulty leaving her home.
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Tea Drinker

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #27 on: January 11, 2014, 10:17:14 PM »
If there are specific things you (or your mother) want to talk about but not in front of your cousin, I think it would be reasonable to ask your aunt "Can we go someplace else for a bit? There's something I want to talk about that I don't think is appropriate for Billy." That gets away from a visitor asking a child to leave the room in his own home--and your aunt, who does live there, could tell him to go somewhere else for a bit in the house for a bit. If it's more that conversations drift to such topics but only stay there for a little while, consult the child's parents (who would be your aunt and uncle, if I have this right), about topics they don't want him to hear about, and how to deal with it if he's in the room. This would of course be trickier if you, your mother, and your aunt consider some topics inappropriate for a ten-year-old boy but that his parents think would be fine for him to hear about.

With regard to seating, I think the boy is a red herring. If neither you nor your mother is comfortable sitting on the loveseat because of dirt, it wouldn't help much for Billy to be somewhere else: in his absence, one of you could use the computer chair, but the other would be either standing, or on the loveseat.

Also, while this goes beyond etiquette, you clearly don't like this child, and it sounds like you're trying to be big-sisterly out of a sense of duty, not love. Almost nobody suffers from the lack of someone to fill the role of annoying little brother, and it might be better to drop back from that to different-aged cousins who don't have much in common, or hang out together except by chance.
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GrammarNerd

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #28 on: January 11, 2014, 11:13:33 PM »
I agree with the others that since this isn't your house nor your computer, you can't really do anything about getting the kid out of the room or off the computer.  And if you have special considerations with keeping busy, then you really need to take care of that yourself. For example, like if you need orange juice constantly to keep your blood sugar levels up, then you make sure that you bring your own orange juice, NOT rely on the hosts private food supply or be irritated because one of the members of the household might have drank up all of the orange juice.

However, you CAN control being put in that situation.  Can you visit when the child is at school?  Can you suggest a visit elsewhere?  Go for a drive?  Visit less?  Visit in a different area of the house?

One thing that I've found that works is to lay out the parameters of the visit ahead of time and suggest alternatives.  Could you call up your aunt and say, "Mom and I were thinking about visiting.  Is there a time we can visit when we won't be disturbing Grandson as he uses your computer?  We know he doesn't really enjoy visiting with us....hey, he's a 10 year old boy with a couple of older women.  We get I t; no harm, no foul.  And you know, sometimes topics come up that aren't really appropriate for him to hear."  If Aunt says that you won't bother him, then you can always say, "No thanks, we'll just wait for another time then.  While it's nice to see him to say Hi, it's just not a relaxing visit if we have to censor our conversations or hear that he's not happy with us being there."

In other words, start taking control.  If there's something about the visit that is unpleasant, then take (polite) steps to change it.  Make it appear that it's obvious that grandson isn't comfortable with you being there (with comments and rudeness and interrupting, although you don't have to get into specifics), and his discomfort makes your visit uncomfortable. 

And it goes without saying that if you have issues with your ADD, you'll need to manage them without expecting concessions from the Aunt, like using her PC.  Take care of that yourself; there have been a lot of good suggestions here.

Nannerdoman

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2014, 11:45:55 PM »
I'm confused by OP's mentioning that she was annoyed at the nephew's impatience with her using his grandmother's computer at his home. Doesn't this OP have her own computer at home that she can use?

Frankly, the whole question sounds as though the OP wants to be in control of the computer, and the circumstances, when she visits her great-aunt.
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