Author Topic: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?  (Read 14205 times)

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Katana_Geldar

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #45 on: January 12, 2014, 03:38:03 PM »
And there are a lot of people who have problems paying attention. That sort of behaviour does look like you are not interested, and while there care people who are understanding of things you need to do, not everyone is.

shhh its me

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #46 on: January 12, 2014, 04:48:25 PM »
Short answer , her house her rules. The host gets to set the tone ,place and style of a visit. 

IF you have something specific you want to discuss with aunt you can ask for privacy but I think that should either be arranged ahead of time or be super brief. 


Nemesis

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #47 on: January 12, 2014, 05:38:33 PM »
Hi OP,
I think the main problem here is that everyone is being a little rude here, other than your mom. Maybe it is because you are family that you feel that there is no need to be bounded by the typical etiquette rules...but still, I do believe that BECAUSE they are family, we should give them even more respect.

First off, it is not cool to be accepting guests in your bedroom when you have a living room, a kitchen or a deck to use. The only time I visit someone in their bedroom is when I am visiting a dorm student or a friend who is renting just a room (not the entire house), and they don't get along with their flatmates (so we ended up closed up in the bedroom).

Second thing: it is not really acceptable to be putting your guests in a room where there are not enough seats.

Third thing: We try to have clean chairs and tables, and hopefully tidy the room a little when we have visitors.

Fourth thing: If the place is small, without enough chairs, and we don't have time to clean, then we should meet outside. In a cafe or park or restaurant, depending on the budget.

Fifth thing: It is in NO way acceptable to be fiddling with your ipad, phone, computer, tv etc when you are visiting or having a visitor. NO WAY acceptable. If you cannot give your host or your guest your attention during your visit, then you should either time the length of your visits to suit your attention span, or you should change the nature of your activity to suit your ability to focus. It is especially rude to use your HOST'S electronic items as though they are your own, during your visit, and in the middle of your conversation. I just cannot believe that you would come to an etiquette site and expect that posters here would endorse that.

Now I am not trying to say that people with ADHD cannot be accommodated. I am saying that there are other ways and alternative solutions that suit any level of ADHD - solutions that will not result in a guest being rude to their hostess or otherwise.

Sixth thing: Seeing that the room is rather small and the nephew is not part of the visit, he should not be there for the duration of the visit. It disrupts the visit and changes the dynamics. It is rude for him to be physically present, but not socially available to anyone else in the room.

Final thing: I really think (and this is just my personal opinion) that you should stop visiting your aunt in her home. Just take her out for coffee, tea, or a hot chocolate every week or so.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2014, 05:40:22 PM by Nemesis »

shhh its me

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #48 on: January 12, 2014, 05:56:25 PM »
Hi OP,
I think the main problem here is that everyone is being a little rude here, other than your mom. Maybe it is because you are family that you feel that there is no need to be bounded by the typical etiquette rules...but still, I do believe that BECAUSE they are family, we should give them even more respect.

First off, it is not cool to be accepting guests in your bedroom when you have a living room, a kitchen or a deck to use. The only time I visit someone in their bedroom is when I am visiting a dorm student or a friend who is renting just a room (not the entire house), and they don't get along with their flatmates (so we ended up closed up in the bedroom).
ITs not her bedroom its her private TV room
Second thing: it is not really acceptable to be putting your guests in a room where there are not enough seats.
there are enough seats , 2 on love seat 2 chairs. not wanting to sit next to aunt on the loveseat is not the same as there not being enough seats
Third thing: We try to have clean chairs and tables, and hopefully tidy the room a little when we have visitors.
I agree it should be clean but if aunt is sitting on it she obviously thinks its clean enough. 

Fourth thing: If the place is small, without enough chairs, and we don't have time to clean, then we should meet outside. In a cafe or park or restaurant, depending on the budget.
see 2 and 3

Fifth thing: It is in NO way acceptable to be fiddling with your ipad, phone, computer, tv etc when you are visiting or having a visitor. NO WAY acceptable. If you cannot give your host or your guest your attention during your visit, then you should either time the length of your visits to suit your attention span, or you should change the nature of your activity to suit your ability to focus. It is especially rude to use your HOST'S electronic items as though they are your own, during your visit, and in the middle of your conversation. I just cannot believe that you would come to an etiquette site and expect that posters here would endorse that.

Now I am not trying to say that people with ADHD cannot be accommodated. I am saying that there are other ways and alternative solutions that suit any level of ADHD - solutions that will not result in a guest being rude to their hostess or otherwise.

Sixth thing: Seeing that the room is rather small and the nephew is not part of the visit, he should not be there for the duration of the visit. It disrupts the visit and changes the dynamics. It is rude for him to be physically present, but not socially available to anyone else in the room. I think this depends on why they are visiting in Aunts TV room. I don't think children necessarily need to banned for the room or participate if that was a rule people couldn't let people in for more then short visits for years. I wouldn't have sent a 3 year old to their room to play for hours so I could have an adult visit. we have no clue why Grandma is letting him use her computer or why she is choosing this room to visit in.    Also I don't know what OP means by he interrupts , that could mean contributes to the conversation in the slightly off topic way of a 10 year old.   

Final thing: I really think (and this is just my personal opinion) that you should stop visiting your aunt in her home. Just take her out for coffee, tea, or a hot chocolate every week or so.

Olympia

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #49 on: January 12, 2014, 06:56:03 PM »
I don't think the OP can claim the 10 year old doesn't want to converse as evidenced by his computer use when that is exactly what the OP wants to do (use the computer instead of converse). If I were the aunt, I would suggest the OP stay home and use her own computer before I would kick my grandson off so the OP can use the computer instead if visiting.


That's not accurate. From cleverkate's first post: And admittedly, because I have ADD-PI (the lesser known inattentive type) I like to use the computer while we're chatting or else I get very bored and irritable. I'm not good at social chit-chat so it's impossible for me to maintain a conversation and that's when I get bored. I contribute only when I have something worthwhile to say. Using the computer actually helps me contribute to the conversation because it helps stimulate my brain and we can talk about things I'm looking up on the computer such as Crocs shoes or recipes, etc. If I just sit in the chair, even if I'm looking at a magazine, I get bored and people can tell because I start foot tapping or spinning around (I'm over 30, BTW).

I know quite a few people with varying degrees of ADD. Based on my experiences, it is highly unlikely that the OP maintains a conversation while using a computer. It's far more likely that she browses the Internet and then starts talking about what she's reading, regardless of what her mom or aunt would like to discuss. Her own suggestions of what she likes to discuss are a good indicator that her computer usage does not lead to meaningful contributions to the conversation. I agree with TurtleDove, the OP's issue stems not from the grandson himself, but from her desire to withdraw to the computer.

I'll take cleverkate at her word.

Cleverkate's word, in the very passage you quote, is that she likes to go on the computer and talk about the things she reads, rather than focus on the conversation at hand.

I stand by my comments.

JennJenn68

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #50 on: January 12, 2014, 07:30:02 PM »
My son has ADD-PI.  For what it's worth, I wouldn't dream of allowing him to fool about on the computer because he was "bored" with the conversation, at least not when we're visiting someone else.  At home, I allow him to retreat and use devices as he sees fit during his time on screens for the day.  As I've said to him many times, "Sometimes you have to cope with being bored and not making it obvious.  Deal with it in a mature manner, or face the consequences." He's almost fifteen, and yet somehow he has managed to learn to sit quietly when the conversation at hand isn't immediately gripping to him.  (He has Asperger's too, by the way.)

I stand with those that say "her house, her rules".  Even if the child is a royal little prat, it isn't your place to correct him and boot him out; it's your great-aunt's.  If she chooses not to do so, you are perfectly within your rights to choose not to visit, or to arrange an alternate venue.  The original post, though, sounds more than a little like the complaint is not so much about the child's behaviour as the fact that he is using the computer that the OP wants to use, while maintaining that this is the only way that she can "socialize".  The etiquette of the situation is questionable, either way.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2014, 07:31:49 PM by JennJenn68 »

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #51 on: January 12, 2014, 07:47:40 PM »
My son has ADD-PI.  For what it's worth, I wouldn't dream of allowing him to fool about on the computer because he was "bored" with the conversation, at least not when we're visiting someone else.  At home, I allow him to retreat and use devices as he sees fit during his time on screens for the day.  As I've said to him many times, "Sometimes you have to cope with being bored and not making it obvious.  Deal with it in a mature manner, or face the consequences." He's almost fifteen, and yet somehow he has managed to learn to sit quietly when the conversation at hand isn't immediately gripping to him.  (He has Asperger's too, by the way.)

My oldest has ADHD and this is something I'm trying to teach him as well, especially at church. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

blarg314

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #52 on: January 12, 2014, 10:47:27 PM »

I do know a few people who tend to surf their web phones during conversation, while participating in the conversation. I don't know if it's to compensate for something else, or just because they enjoy doing it.  But I do find it intensely annoying - enough that I'll be careful to sit at the opposite end of the table from them, and avoid inviting them to social events I host.

The problem is that they're not really  participating in the conversation the way they think they are.  Their contribution tends to be either in the form of non sequiturs (look at the cute penguin picture I just found!), or it tends to be asynchronous (yes, we were talking about penguins five minutes ago. We moved on while you were googling them, and are now talking about political the situation in the Middle East).



Fritokal

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #53 on: January 13, 2014, 12:59:08 AM »
Fifth thing: It is in NO way acceptable to be fiddling with your ipad, phone, computer, tv etc when you are visiting or having a visitor. NO WAY acceptable. If you cannot give your host or your guest your attention during your visit, then you should either time the length of your visits to suit your attention span, or you should change the nature of your activity to suit your ability to focus. It is especially rude to use your HOST'S electronic items as though they are your own, during your visit, and in the middle of your conversation. I just cannot believe that you would come to an etiquette site and expect that posters here would endorse that.

Now I am not trying to say that people with ADHD cannot be accommodated. I am saying that there are other ways and alternative solutions that suit any level of ADHD - solutions that will not result in a guest being rude to their hostess or otherwise.

*I* have ADHD-PI. I am also somewhat near the OP's age (30-something).

Browsing on a computer is not a good way to manage the inattention during conversations. It is actually contra-indicated for maintaining conversational awareness. ADHD-PI makes it harder to multitask, not easier, and makes it much much easier to get lost in something you're interested in and lose track of time/the conversation/etc. ADHD-PI is also frequently associated with poor listening / auditory processing skills, which makes it even more important to devote full attention to verbal conversations. It might be easier to poke around on the computer and chime in once in a blue moon, but it's also a good way to reinforce some really terrible habits that do damage to your social skills.

I do occasionally use a phone or laptop to look things up - "What's that actor's name?"  "What is the name of that guy who said the thing in that one show?"  "What was that thing I just read about the topic of discussion?"  - but, there's three very important factors to note here.

1) I don't do it because of my ADD. I do it because -my social group allows it, accepts it, and we all do it as a way to fill in missing knowledge- In our circle, it's socially acceptable to do this in this way.  (For example, I do this all the time with my spouse, and vice-versa, but I wouldn't do this with my older relatives)
2) I (and my friends, spouse, etc) say something to the effort of "Oh I just (read/saw/etc) that, I'll see if I can find it real quick."  - generally if we can't find it in a reasonable amount of time, the phone/laptop/etc goes back to idle mode.
3) This isn't one person talking about the things they are looking up on the computer. This is a small group and any one of us (or sometimes more than one!) might pop out to find something that enhances the conversation.




Ceallach

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #54 on: January 13, 2014, 01:34:41 AM »
My son has ADD-PI.  For what it's worth, I wouldn't dream of allowing him to fool about on the computer because he was "bored" with the conversation, at least not when we're visiting someone else.  At home, I allow him to retreat and use devices as he sees fit during his time on screens for the day.  As I've said to him many times, "Sometimes you have to cope with being bored and not making it obvious.  Deal with it in a mature manner, or face the consequences." He's almost fifteen, and yet somehow he has managed to learn to sit quietly when the conversation at hand isn't immediately gripping to him.  (He has Asperger's too, by the way.)

My oldest has ADHD and this is something I'm trying to teach him as well, especially at church.

Agree so much.   A diagnosis is meant to help the person understand their challenges and what they can do to work on them / adapt.  It should never be used as an excuse for rude behavior.    (I work with people with disabilities so I understand accommodations must be made and people should be understanding, but personal accountability for behavior is also critical!)
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cicero

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #55 on: January 13, 2014, 02:35:49 AM »
I thin it might help if the OP would come back and address some of the questions that came up.

I don't quite understand the living situation but if this is the child's home, then he can be where he wants to be (within reason); or at least he would have more *right* to be somewhere than the OP who is a visiting relative. If the house is divided and *this area* is *the aunt's part* then the aunt is the one who should tell him to leave if it bothers her that he's there. since he is *always* there, then that may be part of the overall set up in the home (maybe they prefer that he is there, maybe he is watching over the aunt, maybe the aunt is baby sitting him, etc) - whatever the reason is, that's still *his* home.

Is the aunt unable to leave her home? the room? is that the *only* place where you can visit her?

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #56 on: January 13, 2014, 06:45:23 AM »
My son has ADD-PI.  For what it's worth, I wouldn't dream of allowing him to fool about on the computer because he was "bored" with the conversation, at least not when we're visiting someone else.  At home, I allow him to retreat and use devices as he sees fit during his time on screens for the day.  As I've said to him many times, "Sometimes you have to cope with being bored and not making it obvious.  Deal with it in a mature manner, or face the consequences." He's almost fifteen, and yet somehow he has managed to learn to sit quietly when the conversation at hand isn't immediately gripping to him.  (He has Asperger's too, by the way.)

My oldest has ADHD and this is something I'm trying to teach him as well, especially at church.

Agree so much.   A diagnosis is meant to help the person understand their challenges and what they can do to work on them / adapt.  It should never be used as an excuse for rude behavior.    (I work with people with disabilities so I understand accommodations must be made and people should be understanding, but personal accountability for behavior is also critical!)

Oops, I realized I said it was my oldest, it's not, it's my middle child. 

But I agree, it should not be used as a crutch to excuse rude behavior, but rather a person should be doing what they can to learn how to deal with the symptoms. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

ladyknight1

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #57 on: January 13, 2014, 08:53:13 AM »
I'm interested to hear the OP's response. However, I do not think it is the OP's place to ask that the nephew excuse himself so she can play on the computer. I don't see how that is any better or more conducive to conversation.

MariaE

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #58 on: January 13, 2014, 09:44:29 AM »
This is why I knit. If my mind is engaged, but my hands aren't, my hands get bored and I start to become restless. Knitting engages my hands while leaving my mind open to concentrate on other things, so it actually helps me focus.

... unfortunately employers do not look kindly on people bringing knitting along to meetings ;)

It works the other way around too - if my hands are busy but my mind isn't... which is why I tend to watch TV or listen to podcasts/audiobooks while knitting.
 
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Piratelvr1121

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #59 on: January 13, 2014, 10:19:58 AM »
This is why I knit. If my mind is engaged, but my hands aren't, my hands get bored and I start to become restless. Knitting engages my hands while leaving my mind open to concentrate on other things, so it actually helps me focus.

... unfortunately employers do not look kindly on people bringing knitting along to meetings ;)

It works the other way around too - if my hands are busy but my mind isn't... which is why I tend to watch TV or listen to podcasts/audiobooks while knitting.

Same here, only with cross stitching easy patterns.  If it's something complicated it really does need more focus.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata