Author Topic: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?  (Read 13932 times)

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daen

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #60 on: January 13, 2014, 10:28:52 AM »
This is why I knit. If my mind is engaged, but my hands aren't, my hands get bored and I start to become restless. Knitting engages my hands while leaving my mind open to concentrate on other things, so it actually helps me focus.

... unfortunately employers do not look kindly on people bringing knitting along to meetings ;)

It works the other way around too - if my hands are busy but my mind isn't... which is why I tend to watch TV or listen to podcasts/audiobooks while knitting.

Same here, only with cross stitching easy patterns.  If it's something complicated it really does need more focus.

I've done a lot of knitting whilst reading E-hell...

dawbs

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #61 on: January 13, 2014, 10:44:53 AM »
as an ADHDer, I completely understand the "I can be paying attention to you OR I can look like I'm paying attention to you--I can't be both."

But co-opting someone else's computer and displacing a resident isn't the way to go.
There are some awesome 'fidgets' in existence--from slinky tangles and silly putty  to pens to dissect/reassemble and commercially made 'fidgets' (https://store.schoolspecialty.com/OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?minisite=10206&item=2819794), you can find something that works.

And, as a young adult, finding things that you can do tactfully in meetings (like, oh, learning sign language and fingerspelling under the table) is the way to go.

cleverkate

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #62 on: January 13, 2014, 12:45:46 PM »
I want to clear up a few things. I'm going to number them for easier reading.

1) My aunt is not totally happy with her grandson's constant presence in her room. His parents (who also live there) ignore the boy and my aunt feels sorry for him. She is unable to say "no" to him.

2) My aunt has health and mobility problems that prevent her from visiting my house, especially since it's not handicap accessible. Plus, she always prefer for people to come to her house rather than her going to their house.

3) When I go to her house solely to visit, I generally do not use the computer. However, if I've been there an hour and having nothing more to contribute to the conversation but her and my mom are still talking, I become restless. Sometimes I'll get up and wander around but then I feel like I'm missing out. So that's when I might use the computer.

4) Sometimes, I have to go over to help out with something or just stay with my handicapped uncle while my aunt and her DIL go to the doctor. So I'll usually use the computer then. When my aunt comes back, I'll usually still use it while we chat. And by this point, she's usually already using her Kindle.


Let's forget me even using the computer. My biggest issue is with the child being in the room while us adults are visiting with each other, because there is NO ROOM for that many people. It's too crowded and I feel displaced. What do I do about that?

TurtleDove

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #63 on: January 13, 2014, 12:52:58 PM »
Let's forget me even using the computer. My biggest issue is with the child being in the room while us adults are visiting with each other, because there is NO ROOM for that many people. It's too crowded and I feel displaced. What do I do about that?

I still am not clear why you cannot use common areas of the house, which presumably would have more space than your aunt's room.  At any rate, have you told your aunt what you have told us here?  If you have and she has not asked the boy to leave, I think you could ask him to leave yourself but you would need to accept the situation if the response is "no, I don't want to leave" or if your aunt says, "no, he can stay."  Otherwise, visit without your mother.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #64 on: January 13, 2014, 01:03:42 PM »
I'm really sorry, but I'm not sure there is a polite way to control who is in a room when you visit your aunt.

This is what I am hearing:

Your aunt lives with her offspring and a grandson. The grandson is ignored by his parents and has not been taught standard social behavior and acts inappropriately. To compensate for his loneliness, he spends much of his time in his grandmother's sitting room. And because he doesn't have a lot of social interaction, he concentrates on the computer when guests are there. When he does try to join the conversation he is perceived as butting in because the manner in which he tries to join the conversation.

You say your aunt is not happy with him being there. How do you know this? I'm sure she probably would prefer some more privacy but when she ways her desire for privacy against hurting her grandson's feelings (who is already being ignored by his parents) she decides dealing with grandson is a better option. Of course I could be completely off base and she could be a wimp who doesn't want to stand up to him and a potential tantrum.

I still think your only options are:
1. Visit when grandson is in school.
2. You and your mom visit at different times so there is less people in the cramped space.
3. Ask if you can bring in a chair from another room.
4. Tell your aunt you'd like to discuss a certain adult matter and when would be a good time to get together when her grandson isn't around.

m2kbug

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #65 on: January 13, 2014, 01:12:54 PM »
I'm not clear why another room in the house cannot be used.  "Auntie, it's kind of crowded in here, do you think we can sit in the living room?"  "Bobby's games are really noisy, can we go to another room?"  I don't think there's anything more you can do.  If she can't tell her grandson to busy himself elsewhere, I'm not sure where it would be appropriate for you to do it for her.  If your mom and aunt are super close, maybe mom can help Aunt with this.  Even if the grandson is lonely and just likes to be in the presence of others, if you sit in a larger room and him with his various other electronic options, you'll have space.

If grandma doesn't like her grandson constantly in her space, she needs to work with the boy on her own and talk to the parents with whatever she is comfortable with.     

You can see about bringing in an extra chair, which won't really eliminate crowding, but at least you wouldn't have to sit really tight together on the loveseat. 

If it's typical for you to busy yourself with something else while Mom and Aunt talk, could you ask to use the laptop?  If it's the grandson's personal laptop, ask him directly.  I think it would be better to bring your own entertainment with you.  I don't really understand the purpose of staying if Aunt goes and gets on the kindle, but if you're around so often that people just hang around and do their own thing, I would say bringing your own electronic device or book or hobby with you would still be the easiest solution rather than expecting to use other people's things. 
« Last Edit: January 13, 2014, 01:14:47 PM by m2kbug »

dawbs

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #66 on: January 13, 2014, 01:23:06 PM »
If aunt, as the adult who lives in the house, is unwilling to address the child to make changes (and learn to say 'no' to him), you, as a guest in the house also cannot.

daen

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #67 on: January 13, 2014, 01:42:48 PM »
I'm not clear why another room in the house cannot be used.  "Auntie, it's kind of crowded in here, do you think we can sit in the living room?"  "Bobby's games are really noisy, can we go to another room?"  I don't think there's anything more you can do.  If she can't tell her grandson to busy himself elsewhere, I'm not sure where it would be appropriate for you to do it for her.  If your mom and aunt are super close, maybe mom can help Aunt with this.  Even if the grandson is lonely and just likes to be in the presence of others, if you sit in a larger room and him with his various other electronic options, you'll have space.
 <snip>

 My brother-in-law's grandmother lived with his family for a while. She had her own room, which may or may not have included an en suite bathroom, but did not include a kitchen.
At the time, there were three children living at home, the youngest of which was twelve or so. The grandmother was most comfortable in the language of the Old Country, which her grandchildren did not speak at all and her children somewhat haltingly. The kids were typical kids, so occasionally loud and boisterous. Grandmother didn't feel comfortable outside her room.
I visited them several times, and I saw the grandmother once during that time, as a shadow moving slowly down the hall toward her room. I believe that brother-in-law's mother brought Grandmother's meals to her room, rather than push her to socialize when she didn't want to.

She lived there for a relatively short time (eighteen months, I think), then moved to an Eldercare facility. Unfortunately, there was no one there who spoke her preferred language. Even with that, she was much more comfortable in the facility, and became more social and happy.

So OP's aunt may be staying in her rooms because she's not comfortable elsewhere, or perhaps she thinks of these rooms as her space and the rest of the house as not-her-space.

Or I could be extrapolating wildly based on a vaguely reminiscent experience from my past. I do that from time to time.  :D

bah12

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #68 on: January 13, 2014, 02:15:06 PM »
I want to clear up a few things. I'm going to number them for easier reading.

1) My aunt is not totally happy with her grandson's constant presence in her room. His parents (who also live there) ignore the boy and my aunt feels sorry for him. She is unable to say "no" to him.  This is her problem though...even if you don't like it, and she doesn't like it, there is nothing you can or should do about it.  She hasn't asked for your help and if she did, the only thing you could do is encourage her to tell him "no" now and then.  If she's othewise unwilling to do anything, then sorry to say, you're either stuck with the situation as is or also have to say "no" to visiting.

2) My aunt has health and mobility problems that prevent her from visiting my house, especially since it's not handicap accessible. Plus, she always prefer for people to come to her house rather than her going to their house.Again, if you choose to accept her preferences when it comes to visiting, it's an all or nothing thing.  You can't really accept that she will only visit in her hom e and then dictate how that hospitality works. The only thing you could do is suggest visiting in another room..

3) When I go to her house solely to visit, I generally do not use the computer. However, if I've been there an hour and having nothing more to contribute to the conversation but her and my mom are still talking, I become restless. Sometimes I'll get up and wander around but then I feel like I'm missing out. So that's when I might use the computer.  If you need to be on the computer in order to pay attention, and you know this, then maybe you can bring something of yours to the visit that will help stimulate your brain so you can contribute to the conversation.  This really isn't your Aunt's responsibility to accommodate

4) Sometimes, I have to go over to help out with something or just stay with my handicapped uncle while my aunt and her DIL go to the doctor. So I'll usually use the computer then. When my aunt comes back, I'll usually still use it while we chat. And by this point, she's usually already using her Kindle.


Let's forget me even using the computer. My biggest issue is with the child being in the room while us adults are visiting with each other, because there is NO ROOM for that many people. It's too crowded and I feel displaced. What do I do about that?  You can't go about that.  This is his house.  It's your Aunt's house.  It's not your house.  And while I believe in doing reasonable things to accommodate reasonable requests, I will not do that at the expense of someone else that is living in the house.  If someone were to come to my home and visit me and said "I only want to visit you and don't want your DH and DD in the room", I'd likely not invite them over.  Because my thought is that as long as they aren't being disruptive, I don't mind if they are around (DH will likely not want to be around anyway).  Aunt has already shown that she's unwilling to kick her grandson out of the room. It doesn't matter why she's unwilling to do that, she is.  Her desire and her grandson's desire, in this case, trump yours.  If you're not comfortable, then you need to not visit.  That's the only thing you can do.

*ETA to clarify that while I understand that you think the grandson is being disruptive, Aunt does not or is not willing to change his behavior...she is the one that gets to decide whether or not his behavior is unacceptable and all you can to decide is if you will visit her as a result of that.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2014, 02:21:56 PM by bah12 »

TootsNYC

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #69 on: January 13, 2014, 02:43:33 PM »
Quote
[snips]

However, if I've been there an hour and having nothing more to contribute to the conversation but her and my mom are still talking, I become restless.

It's too crowded and I feel displaced. What do I do about that?

Can you leave?

I'd feel displaced as well, if I was really done w/ the convo, but still in the house.

I'm guessing that you're riding with your mom--can you walk home? Or get a Razor-style scooter (I've got one you can have!), and take that home to speed things up?

Can you speak to your mom about shorter visits sometimes, for -your- sake? Or, just don't go over quite as often.

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #70 on: January 13, 2014, 09:38:28 PM »
I think that you can ask Aunt if Grandson can wait until you're done visiting to use the computer.  However, if she won't, then it's not your place to say anything to him directly.  If the visits are very long, could you help them with some chore or maintenance, like cleaning up and optimizing Grandson's computer and transferring all of his files and games?

Just a thought.

Zizi-K

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #71 on: January 13, 2014, 09:54:51 PM »
I wonder if this problem has a technical solution. Why does he prefer to use the desktop when he has a laptop? Can he not connect to the internet? Does it not have a favorite game? Perhaps if you helped set up the laptop to be the preferred device, that would lessen the demand to be in the room.

However, if the kid just wants to be around people, I don't know how you can kick him out when the person in charge allows him to be in there. So when you all are in there, is one of you standing or sitting on the floor? What happens? If this is the case, how about saying, "well, since there's no room for me to sit down, I think I'll head home/go wait in the car/go watch TV in the living room." Frankly, this kid's life sounds a bit miserable - his parents ignore him, and now you want to exclude him from family visits. I can empathize with the fact that there's not enough seating, but I also feel bad for this kid.

cicero

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #72 on: January 14, 2014, 03:33:48 AM »



Let's forget me even using the computer. My biggest issue is with the child being in the room while us adults are visiting with each other, because there is NO ROOM for that many people. It's too crowded and I feel displaced. What do I do about that?
i understand this - but can you understand how this child is feeling? he may be an annoying PITA, but he is TEN and this is his home. every time guests come over he has to feel displaced in his own home?

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Nemesis

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #73 on: January 14, 2014, 04:46:05 AM »



Let's forget me even using the computer. My biggest issue is with the child being in the room while us adults are visiting with each other, because there is NO ROOM for that many people. It's too crowded and I feel displaced. What do I do about that?
i understand this - but can you understand how this child is feeling? he may be an annoying PITA, but he is TEN and this is his home. every time guests come over he has to feel displaced in his own home?

I agree with cicero. He LIVES there, not as a roommate or housemate. But this is HIS home. He is a child who is not bothering you other than being in the same room as you. Etiquette means that you have to be a courteous guest to everyone who lives there, respect that this is their space and refuge that you are entering, and be understanding if their home is a little small.

I would be furious if any of my relatives visited me and expected my child to be in a different part of the house for the duration of their visit because they felt "overcrowded" by my child's presence. If visiting under those circumstances is too uncomfortable for you, then the most courteous thing to do is to decline to visit. Instead, just extend an invitation to YOUR home where you can have your visit in the manner that you are accustomed to.

Margo

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #74 on: January 14, 2014, 06:12:49 AM »
Would it be possible for your to visit separately from your Mom, so that you have more control over the length of the visit? Or even to join your Mom for part of the visit but not all of it?  Is there are reason why, when you statt to get bored or feel too crowded, you couldn't leave? Either to retun home.

It does seem as through you have three separate issues:

1 . Your cousin using the computer when you want to
I think this is unreasonable. It is his home, so he takes precedence. Added to which, you feel it is OK for you to be using a computer during a visit, as a guest, and for your aunt to be using her kindle, as a host - so it is extremely unreasonable to try to stop the 10 year old from doing the same.  And while he may be rude in breathing down your neck, and not sharing politely on the occasions when  you do use his grandma's PC, it's not your job to correct his manners. At most, you can set a good example by your own actions. And if you know that you will get bored and need a distraction, then it is your responsibility to supply that for yourself, whether it is a smartphone, your own laptop or tablet, a set of 'worry beads' or whatever else works for you.

2. The room being overcrowded and with inadequate seating for the number of people
This is a legitimate issue, but it is not the child's fault, not is kicking him out of the room the solution. You can, as suggested, raise the issue with your aunt and ask about whether you can move to a different room, or bring in extra seats. If you can't have that conversation with her, or if there simply are no other suitable spaces, then *you* need to make changes to how you visit - the easiest  and most obvious options would be to visit when your cousin will be at school or to visit separately from our Mom, both of which result in there being fewer people in the room t any given time.
3. You feeling that not all conversations are suitable for a 10 year old.
This depends a little on what the conversation is, but ultimately if you are not comfortable discussing something in front of him, don't discuss it. Change the subject and if necessary (for instance, if the discussion turned to something persona bout you, such as your own diagnosis or treatment, you can say "This is quite private, I am not comfortable discussing it in front of N" If it is a subject which you feel is not age appropriate but which is not personal to you then you can chose not to join in with the conversation but you don't get to dictate to your aunt or Mom what is or isn't appropriate in front of the child. If there are things which you want to discuss with your aunt you have the option of visting at a time when your cousin will be in school, or phoning your aunt 

You've mentioned that your cousin is potentially lonely and doesn't get much attention from his parents. Another option might be for you to engage directly with him more. Have you considered, at the point in the visit where you start to get bored, speaking to him directly and suggesting that the two of you do something together, such as playing games on his laptop, popping out of the house to get some fresh air / pop to the store for drinks  / whatever.  It would have the benefit of getting you out of the stressful, overcrowded situation for a bit, alieviates the boredom, and it is possible that if he knows he will get some positive, one-to-one attention from you during visit that he will then more more amenable to a request that he let you use the PC, or to a suggestion that he watch TV or play elsewhere so that he adults can have a chat, at other times during the visit. If there are things you personally want to talk about privately with your aunt you might also be able to ask you mom, in advance, whether she would be willing to take child out for a short while at some point in the visit to give you a chance to have some one-to-one time with your aunt.