Author Topic: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?  (Read 14095 times)

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Twik

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #75 on: January 14, 2014, 10:18:06 AM »
I might mention to my mother that I found visits lasting more than an hour are difficult for me. I think that's really a big part of the problem, and she might be willing to shorten them as an accommodation for you.
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Girlie

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #76 on: January 14, 2014, 03:03:04 PM »
Never once, in all my time growing up, were we children told to leave a room because of company being over. I say this because I want you to know that I honestly might be biased on the subject.

Of course, every family has to decide what works for them, but I don't know that sending off a member of the household so that visitors can chitchat is something that I would necessarily approve of or expect from anyone. In the end, it's your aunt's call, and so long as she's fine with it (and by "fine with it," I mean "allows it to happen"), then that's what matters. If it changes your relationship with her or your desire to visit when you'd like - well, then, it just does.

GSNW

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #77 on: January 14, 2014, 03:11:43 PM »
I wanted to mention that aside from the other stuff, I think OP has a legitimate gripe when cousin is being impatient about her computer use.  She mentioned a specific instance in which her aunt said it was OK to use her (aunt's) computer, and the cousin was bugging her the entire time and being very showy about his impatience.

Assuming that this computer in aunt's room belongs to aunt, then it's OK for aunt to decide who uses it and when... and that includes OP.  So in that case, OP would not be out of line to say to cousin, when he asks, "I will let you know when I am done with the computer, but please do not continue to interrupt me."

Nemesis

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #78 on: January 15, 2014, 01:33:37 AM »
I wanted to mention that aside from the other stuff, I think OP has a legitimate gripe when cousin is being impatient about her computer use.  She mentioned a specific instance in which her aunt said it was OK to use her (aunt's) computer, and the cousin was bugging her the entire time and being very showy about his impatience.

Assuming that this computer in aunt's room belongs to aunt, then it's OK for aunt to decide who uses it and when... and that includes OP.  So in that case, OP would not be out of line to say to cousin, when he asks, "I will let you know when I am done with the computer, but please do not continue to interrupt me."

I am not sure that I can agree with this. You see, he lives there. While the OP might see it as "my Aunt's computer", the boy might see it as "our computer". After all, grandma has no problem letting him play with the computer whenever he wants to. So the person "borrowing" the computer is the OP, from the boy's perspective.

OP's aunt needs to be the one to speak up and set the record straight. The boy is 10. If he is playing it whenever he wants without needing to ask for permission each time, he is not going to associate the pc with being grandma's. He is going to wonder why OP is using HIS pc when he wants it.

Kate

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #79 on: January 15, 2014, 04:39:12 PM »
IMO it is quite acceptable (for the host) to ask a child to find something to do in another room while adults are visiting, especially if the child is talkative and disruptive, or the adults wish to talk about things not suitable for young ears. My grandparents lived in our family home for some years and had their own bedroom and sitting room. I would never have presumed to insert myself into their adult visits unless invited by them. That was their private space within "our home"..just as my parent's bedroom was their private space and I didn't go hang out there just because it was part of the house I lived in. A ten year old is old enough to learn this.

TurtleDove

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #80 on: January 15, 2014, 04:49:52 PM »
IMO it is quite acceptable (for the host) to ask a child to find something to do in another room while adults are visiting, especially if the child is talkative and disruptive, or the adults wish to talk about things not suitable for young ears. My grandparents lived in our family home for some years and had their own bedroom and sitting room. I would never have presumed to insert myself into their adult visits unless invited by them. That was their private space within "our home"..just as my parent's bedroom was their private space and I didn't go hang out there just because it was part of the house I lived in. A ten year old is old enough to learn this.

Sure, if it is the host asking the ten year old to leave the room.  I don't think it is okay for the OP to do this, especially not given the rest of the particulars here.

turnip

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #81 on: January 15, 2014, 05:16:17 PM »
I just want to add as a consideration - none of this child's behavior would be unusual in many of my friend's homes.   Most kids his age have an hour or two of homework to do at night, and often that homework requires a computer.  Many families do _not_ allow their children internet access outside the supervision of an adult.  So whatever other games or devices might be around the home, often a child is going to be in a common visible area working on their schoolwork.

I'm not saying any of this is going on in OPs case, but if you went over to some of my friend's houses and implied it was rude for their child to be doing computer work when  adults are visiting, you'd be in for a very short visit.   

Hillia

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #82 on: January 15, 2014, 05:30:53 PM »
IMO it is quite acceptable (for the host) to ask a child to find something to do in another room while adults are visiting, especially if the child is talkative and disruptive, or the adults wish to talk about things not suitable for young ears. My grandparents lived in our family home for some years and had their own bedroom and sitting room. I would never have presumed to insert myself into their adult visits unless invited by them. That was their private space within "our home"..just as my parent's bedroom was their private space and I didn't go hang out there just because it was part of the house I lived in. A ten year old is old enough to learn this.

Sure, if it is the host asking the ten year old to leave the room.  I don't think it is okay for the OP to do this, especially not given the rest of the particulars here.

I agree.  I remember often being told to go outside and play, or find something else to do, but always by my parents, never the visitors.  In my family there were definite adult-only times, when the kids were expected to amuse themselves elsewhere while the adults conversed on adult topics.  We were not privy to financial information, for example, or how our parents felt about their jobs - so conversations about what a jerk Boss was or how a big raise came through were definitely Not For Kids.

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Yvaine

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #83 on: January 15, 2014, 06:37:40 PM »
IMO it is quite acceptable (for the host) to ask a child to find something to do in another room while adults are visiting, especially if the child is talkative and disruptive, or the adults wish to talk about things not suitable for young ears. My grandparents lived in our family home for some years and had their own bedroom and sitting room. I would never have presumed to insert myself into their adult visits unless invited by them. That was their private space within "our home"..just as my parent's bedroom was their private space and I didn't go hang out there just because it was part of the house I lived in. A ten year old is old enough to learn this.

Sure, if it is the host asking the ten year old to leave the room.  I don't think it is okay for the OP to do this, especially not given the rest of the particulars here.

Yes, I agree. I think the host's prerogative also extends to making the kid welcome in the gathering if that is what she wants, and that if the OP doesn't like the type of gatherings that the host offers, she needs to decline or suggest alternate plans (like meeting somewhere else, etc.).

White Lotus

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #84 on: January 15, 2014, 06:50:58 PM »
I like the idea of engaging the child.  Maybe he is playing a game that would amuse both of them, or OP could suggest that, though this seems rather rude to Aunt.  However, once she got to know him, OP might find she actually enjoys his company.
OP is not a stranger.  She is adult family.  That brings this, for me, into a gray area where the normal host/guest rules may not apply.  In MY family that would give her standing to tell a kid to get lost for a bit, when appropriate, and she would also have standing to say, "let's go in the (other room)" unless this room is the only place Aunt has to receive visitors, and she then she could suggest going out.
Visiting when the child is in school seems the most obvious choice.
As a child, I, as well as my children, were told to get lost (go outside, ride bikes, shoot baskets, go do something in another room, etc.) by parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and relatives of varying lesser degrees lumped together as Aunts and Uncles (adults) or Cousins (closer to one's own age).  We have strong boundaries between adults and children, though those change and become flexible and individual during the transition years.  Only OP knows what norms apply in her family, but I don't think it is as cut and dried as some PP are making it out to be. 

eee

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #85 on: January 15, 2014, 07:10:58 PM »
The OP should watch out that she doesn't sound jealous of the kid:

"He uses the GOOD chair! I don't LIKE the love seat!"

"He plays on the computer and that means *I* can't play on it while I am bored because my mum is talking!"

Mikayla

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #86 on: January 15, 2014, 08:07:35 PM »
The OP should watch out that she doesn't sound jealous of the kid:

"He uses the GOOD chair! I don't LIKE the love seat!"

"He plays on the computer and that means *I* can't play on it while I am bored because my mum is talking!"

I think this has been more than adequately addressed. 

OP, it sounds like you need to aim for visits away from aunt's house.  You said she's mobility impaired, but unless it's extreme, you could offer to pick her up and take her to lunch or for coffee.  These places are capable of handling disabled people.  You can also control the length of the visit better.

You said she prefers visits in her home, but if she's not willing to keep it clean and not willing to ask a child to leave an adult conversation, she's setting herself up to not get her preferences.

fountainof

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #87 on: January 16, 2014, 12:48:47 PM »
I am not sure if has been mentioned as I didn't read everything but I understand one issue is it is too full in the room with the grandson and the second is the computer.  Could you sit is another room and bring your own device like a tablet or laptop?  Could you ask to use the grandson's laptop?  Maybe the reason for him to be the grandma's room is he has games that have saved his history, etc. that is not available on his laptop or maybe the wifi comes in and out, or maybe there is no wifi?

ETA: I was trying to think of non-child conversations and while I see a few examples not everyone has the same ideas.  I openly discuss money with my 4 y/e as I think learning about the household finances and home much we make/spend needs to be started young.  I don't think other than scrabble or what Santa is bringing I would need for DD to leave the room.

Anyhow, I think the OP has a disability and she should get some freedom/slack to work around it as best possible.  I do think though instead of needing things in the aunt's home she should try and bring her own tools.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2014, 12:59:26 PM by fountainof »

TurtleDove

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #88 on: January 16, 2014, 01:18:32 PM »
ETA: I was trying to think of non-child conversations and while I see a few examples not everyone has the same ideas.  I openly discuss money with my 4 y/e as I think learning about the household finances and home much we make/spend needs to be started young.  I don't think other than scrabble or what Santa is bringing I would need for DD to leave the room.

OT but I completely agree with this.  Growing up, I watched my parents balance The Budget Book (TM).  I may not have understood the ins and outs of our family finances, but I understood that there was a plan based on money coming in and money that had to go out, and all financial decisions were weighed against what balance was available for what activity in The Budget Book.  I understood from before I was even ten years old how credit cards work; how mortgages and other loans work; how investments work.   I think it really helped me be a financially responsible teenager and adult. I also knew whose business our family finances are not (anyone else's).

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting?
« Reply #89 on: January 16, 2014, 02:19:52 PM »
The discussion about finances may be about someone not in the room.  I would hate for nephew to approach Uncle Charlie in public and say, "My Grandma said that you were going to do bankruptcy.  Do you have to go to the bank to do that?"