Author Topic: And another request: "3rd" child moving in  (Read 7089 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

guihong

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6467
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #15 on: January 14, 2014, 10:16:24 AM »
Agreed with everyone else, and also, does she have her own health insurance?  Heaven forbid anything happens, one huge bill could wipe her out. 

Do you know the parents at all?  Could you get the mother's address just in case?  I'd want to know why she was cut off from her own family.  Two sides to a pancake, they say.



TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30461
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #16 on: January 14, 2014, 10:40:55 AM »
Lots of good advice about getting it in writing.

(I'm not going to say "don't do it!" bcs I think things like that -can- be really good things in people's lives, even if they can also be a horrible situation.)

My only point would be this:

Whatever you come up with as "rent" (and I think you should charge it), always insist on being  "paid." Don't say to yourself, "Oh, she didn't do the yard work, but I don't want to be a nag, and it's not that important, so I won't say anything."
    Say, "Don't forget you need to do the yardwork in lieu of rent." Say it right away, and pleasantly, and not like a -mom- but like a landlord.

When people get things for free, it's very easy to start de-valuing them and taking them for granted--don't do that to her. Hold her to her agreement.

But also recognize your limits. Don't make the rent be "you need to save for you." Make the rent be something that truly compensates you for the extra work/trouble/expense of having someone in your home. Maybe it's that your life gets harder because you share your space, but it gets easier because you will now never need to clean the bathroom or the living room (but you still get the kitchen, perhaps--what seems reasonable).

Make the "rent" also be something that's not a token, something that's difficult enough that she feels she has truly earned the right to live there.


Also, when you sit down with her to work out rent (or "rent"), and house rules, and some dynamics ("let's each have time when we can ignore one another"), discuss this openly. Say, "it's really easy for people to take stuff for granted, so how can you and I be sure that you always value your right to live here, and things don't go sour?"
    Drag all those potentially ugly and unpleasant things out in the open *now*, while they are not actually affecting you two, and discuss how you'd handle them if they -did- happen.
     Also thing of all the things you might do that could sour things. What if you get to "mommy" acting? How would you like her to handle that? Develop "code phrases" or simply create a pathway that you can use to bring up a topic like that (much the way thinking through what you'd do in a disaster actually carves neural pathways in the brain that mean you react more rapidly and with less panic when disaster does strike).


And another thing to consider: Insurance.  Not health insurance--homeowners' insurance or renters' insurance. Just be clear what the categories are, and what sorts of ramifications you'd have.

PennyandPleased

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 179
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #17 on: January 14, 2014, 10:55:19 AM »
I have only read about half the responses so I appologize if this has been said...


I would give her a time limit on how long she stays with you. So 6 months, 1 year, 3 months, etc. And do NOT put anything in the lease or via word of mouth about renewing her "lease" with you. This way if things are not going well you know that she will be out at a certain time and you can "end" things on civil terms because the lease is up and you're not "kicking her out", it's just the two of you following the lease.

Does that make sense?

And at the end of her stay if YOU want her to stay longer, you can have her resign her lease.

But def put everything in writing - even if it sounds silly, write it down. I'd also put something in about her replacing anything she might break.

AzaleaBloom

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 117
  • Help, I'm stepping into the twilight zone...
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #18 on: January 14, 2014, 11:31:32 AM »
I'd advise you to think very long and hard about this. 

If you do decide to go with this, I'd advise speaking to a lawyer about what you need to do to protect yourself.  While I don't want to go into legal territory, renter's insurance is there to protect you as well as her.  If, heaven forbid, she injures herself on your property, you need to be prepared for whatever your liability will be.

The other thing that sets off flags in my mind is the fact that she has lived away for several years.  How long has it been since you - or your daughter - have really spent time with her?  People do change over the years, and it's possible that she isn't the same person you remember.

Arila

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 670
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #19 on: January 14, 2014, 11:43:30 AM »
So I think a lot of people have covered the rules and writing down aspect. I have some other recommendations for how you might consider changing to make things smooth:

It's important for her to have her OWN space. It doesn't have to be a full half, but it has to be under her control. This is sort of a "good fences make good neighbors" check list:
- Clear out and assign her a shelf in the pantry, refrigerator, and freezer. (This will also help you with your dietary restrictions, so you don't feel tempted) Make sure she knows what (if anything) she can share with you. (Do you really need TWO bottles of catsup?? etc)
- Clear out the room she'll be using as best you can. If you need to keep half the closet full of storage, make sure it's stuff that you don't use even monthly, let alone weekly or daily. Her room should be her sanctuary. Don't worry so much about the cleanliness of this room, but you can make rules which have the potential to negatively impact the whole house (ie "no food in the bedroom" as that could invite bugs...but requiring she pick up her laundry maybe not so important).
- Don't forget the bathroom. If you are going to share a bathroom, make sure she has a shelf/drawer/cabinet space/shower corner etc.
- Be clear about where she is welcome to "hang out" or do homework in the house. If she's always sitting in your favorite chair, but you never told her, then that could lead to resentment.


Pick your battles. Two adults coming together to live should both be prepared to make some adjustments, so set the stage for open communication so that you can nip any annoyances/aggravations/resentment in the bud, but also figure out how to avoid being a constant negative  presence. My cousin one time was staying with another cousin of ours after school, and one day came home to so many post-it notes "don't do this" "don't touch that" "don't move this" "don't leave things here" that she spent one day just hours sitting in side the front door afraid to do anything. Try to offer solutions instead of just alerting her to problems.  So Instead of "Don't leave your keys on the table here" say "I would prefer the keys be left in this key hook here, because having them next to the door is a security risk, thank you!" I think it's OK to explain/justify rules if you can, it's easier (for me, at least, and I assume others) to remember and follow rules without upset if they understand the WHY behind them.

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7949
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #20 on: January 14, 2014, 12:01:03 PM »
I think you (OP) are a wonderful and generous person to want to help out here, but honestly I think what you're considering might very well end up being a huge mistake. 

Is there any way you could research other acceptable solutions to her housing problem and help her out that way instead of letting her move in with you?

DavidH

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1665
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #21 on: January 14, 2014, 12:16:14 PM »
I'd say one, it's going to be a change to live with someone, so be prepared for that.  It is not only okay to establish rules, but it is key that you do so up front, before she moves in.  At that stage, it is a negotiation, to the extent that you can propose any rules you want and she can either accept them, negotiate them with you, or decide that she can't live with them and find another place to live.  Springing them on her once she's living with you makes that much more difficult. 

Another point is to set things out clearly. From another post, if you like the dish drainer clear after each meal, or the hand towels in the bathroom are decoration and you can only use the paper ones under the sink, state it clearly upfront.  Don't assume that your preferences are obvious to someone else.  If you always do laundry at a specific time, tell her, otherwise, it's almost guaranteed that she will put her laundry in 5 min before your preferred time. 

In my experience, set out some time and/or place in the house when you can each be alone. For me, the worst roommate I had was one with a very unpredictable schedule, so I could never count on having the place to myself.  Sometimes you just need that time to decompress.

jaxsue

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 10111
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #22 on: January 14, 2014, 01:53:56 PM »
Agreed with everyone else, and also, does she have her own health insurance?  Heaven forbid anything happens, one huge bill could wipe her out. 

Do you know the parents at all?  Could you get the mother's address just in case?  I'd want to know why she was cut off from her own family.  Two sides to a pancake, they say.

Good points. Adding to the first one, if she gets injured on your property, OP, she and her insurance company could come after your property insurance for payment.

I'd ask myself: if I weren't available, what would she do? At her age, she is no longer a child and needs to pull her own weight regarding chores and bills. Would she expect you to buy her food and to cook her meals or to do her laundry? Like others, I recommend looking at all aspects, such as squatter rights.

ETA: in your OP you mention that her plans to live in your area "fell through." Honestly, I'd want to know just what happened.

Piratelvr1121

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 10820
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #23 on: January 14, 2014, 02:04:26 PM »
Agreed with everyone else, and also, does she have her own health insurance?  Heaven forbid anything happens, one huge bill could wipe her out. 

Do you know the parents at all?  Could you get the mother's address just in case?  I'd want to know why she was cut off from her own family.  Two sides to a pancake, they say.

Good points. Adding to the first one, if she gets injured on your property, OP, she and her insurance company could come after your property insurance for payment.

I'd ask myself: if I weren't available, what would she do? At her age, she is no longer a child and needs to pull her own weight regarding chores and bills. Would she expect you to buy her food and to cook her meals or to do her laundry? Like others, I recommend looking at all aspects, such as squatter rights.

ETA: in your OP you mention that her plans to live in your area "fell through." Honestly, I'd want to know just what happened.

Well the parents kicking her out I wouldn't necessarily assume there was anything she did. I know of someone who, when she turned 18 and moved out, her parents made her give up her house key.   I haven't met this person or her parents *friend of a friend*  but from what I'm told they didn't really even want kids but had them because "that's what you do when you're married" was the mindset. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Aquamarine

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1689
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #24 on: January 14, 2014, 02:25:01 PM »
This person is an adult and it up to them to figure out their own life.  Under no circumstances do this, it could end up being the stuff of nightmares for you.

It makes more sense to me to figure out an alternate arrangement for the dog and have this person live with your daughter.  Your daughter thinks her friend needs someone to open up their home to this person, I would suggest that she be the one to do it.
Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8716
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #25 on: January 14, 2014, 02:49:31 PM »
This person is an adult and it up to them to figure out their own life.  Under no circumstances do this, it could end up being the stuff of nightmares for you.

It makes more sense to me to figure out an alternate arrangement for the dog and have this person live with your daughter.  Your daughter thinks her friend needs someone to open up their home to this person, I would suggest that she be the one to do it.

I think this and a few other posts in this thread are going over the top with the hyperbole. This is someone whom the OP cares about and wants to help. And "adults figuring out their own lives" does not have to preclude accepting help when it's offered.

I do agree with PPs who say it's a good idea to have some ground rules, and to frame them as landlord/tenant-type rules rather than parent/child-type rules.

wheeitsme

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3962
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #26 on: January 14, 2014, 03:11:33 PM »

When my kids were growing up, they had a friend their age who lived in the neighborhood. This child spent a lot of time with us, and I began to refer to her as my third child.


Bless you.  My husband has "another Mother". 


She is a good kid, and wants to work and find a permanent place to live. She knows this is just temporary.


I think a meeting with everything spelled out and in writing is a very good way to go.  Also the putting money away: perhaps that could be part of her "rent".  You could set it aside for her for when she moved out.

Also let her know that all of this is because you care about her and you want to see her succeed.  These will be skills that will help her the rest of her life.

peaches

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 721
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #27 on: January 14, 2014, 03:49:03 PM »
Honestly, I don't think this is a very good idea.

You are used to living alone and you like it that way. If you wanted a roommate, presumably you would have one. But you don't. This would be a big change in your life.

You and your guest are of vastly different ages and places in your lives. You wouldn't want her to have company; but at her age, it would be normal to do so. Wouldn't she be more comfortable sharing an apartment with others her age?

The dog is another issue. If you aren't used to having a pet in the home, this could be a big adjustment. 

It's understandable that you want to help this young person. But perhaps having her live with you isn't the best or only way to help.

I would encourage her to contact her school about housing, or do so yourself. They may be aware of options you haven't thought of.

Ms_Cellany

  • The Queen of Squee
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5694
  • Big white goggie? No. Hasn't seen him.
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #28 on: January 14, 2014, 03:59:24 PM »
In your shoes, I'd ask for a damage deposit, with do a walk-through with photos and a written agreement.
Current fosters: Boojum (F, adult); Zuul (F); Magpie (M); Balrog (M); Nazgul (F)

Fleur

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 436
Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #29 on: January 14, 2014, 03:59:41 PM »
This person is an adult and it up to them to figure out their own life.  Under no circumstances do this, it could end up being the stuff of nightmares for you.

It makes more sense to me to figure out an alternate arrangement for the dog and have this person live with your daughter.  Your daughter thinks her friend needs someone to open up their home to this person, I would suggest that she be the one to do it.

I think this and a few other posts in this thread are going over the top with the hyperbole. This is someone whom the OP cares about and wants to help. And "adults figuring out their own lives" does not have to preclude accepting help when it's offered.

I do agree with PPs who say it's a good idea to have some ground rules, and to frame them as landlord/tenant-type rules rather than parent/child-type rules.

I totally agree. There is nothing in the OP to suggest that this young woman would be a mooch or a burden. The one thing I would say would be to work out in advance how long you are willing to have her stay, and make it clear that she can't stay any longer than that period of time. Don't make it open ended unless you want to. With that stipulation, and with clear ground rules, I don't see why the arrangement shouldn't be very successful.