Author Topic: And another request: "3rd" child moving in  (Read 7472 times)

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Amara

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #30 on: January 14, 2014, 04:22:47 PM »
I agree with most of the posts, OP, and especially putting things--not just rules--in writing. You may also ask her to list things that are important to her before you come together in a pre-living together meeting. Even though you are the landlord, she is an adult and undoubtedly has preferences.

Plus, things that either of may not think of should be ... well, thought of. What temperatures do you like? Do you prefer fresh air or more of a closed-up place. What about security concerns? Do either of you prefer the doors to be locked when you are home but out in the yard. What about parking? Do you like to eat snacks on the sofa or do you put everything into jars so that ants are never a concern? What about lights? Music and other noise? Can she decorate her room or parts of other rooms too? What kind of decoration? Are pictures nailed in the wall okay? Are there television shows that really offend either of you, and if so are they off limits or a kind of "record and watch them when I am not here" thing. And especially since you are accustomed to living alone, and she is much younger, ask yourself if you might have even the slightest tendency to insist on things "your way." If so, is that likely to bother her? Will her dog bark when she is gone? Will the dog be allowed inside? How often should she clean up? Can you restrain yourself from acting as her "mother" if she comes home late? Are you both evening people or is she a morning one? Can you both deal with that? What level of cleanliness do you like? Are you a "shoes in" or "no shoes" in the house kind of person? Do you freak out at the idea of someone not putting the toilet seat down or not washing her hands after picking up after the dog? Is she, and are you more casual about spreading germs? Even something as simple, and seemingly ridiculous, as how you wash your hands. These may seem like such tiny things but I have found they can build tension up to crazy levels. (It's like that saying: It's not the elephants stampeding that will get you; it's the ants crawling up your leg.)

You might look at yourself for the next week or so in an objective light, trying to determine where you will give and where and what is important for you not to give--and how someone else might react to that.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2014, 04:39:18 PM by Amara »

JeanFromBNA

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #31 on: January 14, 2014, 04:45:29 PM »
What if she stayed with your daughter, and you kept her dog for her?  She would pay for food, vet bills, etc., and visit.  We did this when we had to move back to the home state for awhile, and our complex wouldn't accept pets.  My mother enjoyed the company, but you may not.

magician5

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #32 on: January 14, 2014, 04:52:27 PM »
Better to have rules than arguments.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

shhh its me

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #33 on: January 14, 2014, 05:03:09 PM »
  Yes make rules now.  ITs a lot easier to have a discussion in the hypothetical then when you're(either of you) upset about an issue. Check tenant laws in your area , there may even be a free hotline for you to call or at least a "what every YOURSTATE landlord should know" website. Be careful about charging rent , rent also conveys  RIGHTS.   RIGHTS can not be contracted away except in limited circumstances.

Define buying her own food , does that include spices and condiments and bags of onions? What about cleaning supplies and bathroom supplies(much easier if there are 2 baths).

What about quiet time , TV , phone shower use?  Utilities?  clearly define "clean up after the dog" does that mean picking poop from the yard once a week , monthly , daily immediately? same for shedding  , will the dog be allowed on the furniture? Then you have to do the same for cleaning up after each other . Will you do shared loads of laundry?

Set a move out date.  You can always chose to extend it if things are working out.  or  for this type of arrangement I'd personally prefer a month to month lease which in my area automatically renews unless written notice (the notice can include modifications to the lease) is given before the beginning on the month.



JoieGirl7

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #34 on: January 14, 2014, 05:17:18 PM »
What if she stayed with your daughter, and you kept her dog for her?  She would pay for food, vet bills, etc., and visit.  We did this when we had to move back to the home state for awhile, and our complex wouldn't accept pets.  My mother enjoyed the company, but you may not.

That's a really good suggestion.  Take in her doggy instead and have her stay with your daughter.

Hmmmmm

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #35 on: January 14, 2014, 05:25:32 PM »
This person is an adult and it up to them to figure out their own life.  Under no circumstances do this, it could end up being the stuff of nightmares for you.

It makes more sense to me to figure out an alternate arrangement for the dog and have this person live with your daughter.  Your daughter thinks her friend needs someone to open up their home to this person, I would suggest that she be the one to do it.

I think this and a few other posts in this thread are going over the top with the hyperbole. This is someone whom the OP cares about and wants to help. And "adults figuring out their own lives" does not have to preclude accepting help when it's offered.

I do agree with PPs who say it's a good idea to have some ground rules, and to frame them as landlord/tenant-type rules rather than parent/child-type rules.

I totally agree. There is nothing in the OP to suggest that this young woman would be a mooch or a burden. The one thing I would say would be to work out in advance how long you are willing to have her stay, and make it clear that she can't stay any longer than that period of time. Don't make it open ended unless you want to. With that stipulation, and with clear ground rules, I don't see why the arrangement shouldn't be very successful.

I know some people have had very bad experiences. But other have not.

A cousin of mine has "traded" kids with one of her best friends for a year.

Her friend's DD was moving to her city to attend a masters program while cousin's younger son was moving back to their previous city for work related reasons. Instead of either getting their own places, each is living with the other family quite successfully.

When I graduated college, I moved in with my aunt and uncle for 3 months when I was starting a job in their city. I bet OP knows this girl better than I knew my aunt and uncle when I arrived to live with them.

There are young adults who I've known since they were children who'd I'd happy allow to spend a few months to 6 months living with me while they were in transition. Actually, as I'm typing this I remembered that my nephew lived with us for 5 months after he graduated college and was starting out his career.

It doesn't need to be a problem if everyone goes into the situation with a common understanding.

When I moved in with my aunt and uncle I knew the following:
Don't expect them to feed me. If they were dining at home, they might ask me to join them. I was responsible for my own laundry, keeping my room and bath clean and neat, cleaning up after myself in the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher if it was full even if it wasn't "my stuff"; making myself scarce if they were entertaining friends at home and didn't want a 22 yr old around. I didn't invite friends over without their approval first (over night guests would not have ever been a possibility at all), that if I were going to be later than 1am, I should probably find somewhere else to stay and just let them know before 10pm. Their cars were off limits and they would ask me to do errands on occasion and I should happily agree since they were allowing me to live there rent free. Believe me, coming into their home after 4 years in college and with much less strict parents growing up was a challenge. But I appreciated their support during a time when it would have been extremely challenging to live on my own. 

lollylegs

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #36 on: January 14, 2014, 06:03:40 PM »
This person is an adult and it up to them to figure out their own life.  Under no circumstances do this, it could end up being the stuff of nightmares for you.

It makes more sense to me to figure out an alternate arrangement for the dog and have this person live with your daughter.  Your daughter thinks her friend needs someone to open up their home to this person, I would suggest that she be the one to do it.

I think this and a few other posts in this thread are going over the top with the hyperbole. This is someone whom the OP cares about and wants to help. And "adults figuring out their own lives" does not have to preclude accepting help when it's offered.

I do agree with PPs who say it's a good idea to have some ground rules, and to frame them as landlord/tenant-type rules rather than parent/child-type rules.

I totally agree. There is nothing in the OP to suggest that this young woman would be a mooch or a burden. The one thing I would say would be to work out in advance how long you are willing to have her stay, and make it clear that she can't stay any longer than that period of time. Don't make it open ended unless you want to. With that stipulation, and with clear ground rules, I don't see why the arrangement shouldn't be very successful.

+1. This is someone who the OP watched grow up, not a stranger who's just been released from prison. I find the warnings of 'don't do this!' and 'this will be a nightmare' to be way over the top.

OP, definitely set rules. I'm sure your daughter's friend will be expecting them and will even appreciate them - I know I did when I moved in with my godfather while I was doing a course in his town. The rules you've mentioned in the OP are perfectly fine, but the friend might also like to know things like which areas of the house are communal and which, if any, are off limits, if she's allowed to use the phone and if so do you want her to log her calls, if she should use separate utensils (you mentioned dietary restrictions), that sort of thing.

Best of luck.

DavidH

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #37 on: January 14, 2014, 06:47:01 PM »
I wouldn't go so far as to say don't do it, but it is important to understand that in the best of circumstances it will be an adjustment if you're used to living alone.  The more clear you are on the ground rules and the more rapidly you address issues that arise, the better it will be.  Don't let minor issues fester to become large ones, but also, know that sometimes you just need to let it go and move on.  It's your house, but once it's a communal space, it becomes both of your home. 

I do think it's key to understand why she can't move in with her parents, particularly since you haven't seen her for a while.  Once you know, you can decide if it's something you should worry about. 

Mikayla

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #38 on: January 14, 2014, 07:04:27 PM »
I'm with Yvaine and later PPs, because I just don't get why people are so quick to assume that this will end badly.  OP seems to know this person quite well and trusts her.  Also, maybe my judgment is colored by my own experience.  I'm in a long term work-related separation from my DH, and I've had to go back to college style living.  It has been almost completely problem free, and I've enjoyed it.  So has our landlord.  It's possible OP could be disappointed when she leaves!

Naturally, you want to get anything in writing at the outset, but the most important thing here is to have scheduled "revisions", especially early on.  You can't always anticipate what will crop up, and there's no need to.  This can be informal, or a scheduled dinner meeting where both people discuss any concerns.

I'd definitely attach a generic stipulation at the end of the original "contract" that if for some reason this does not work out, the landlord (OP) will give 30 days notice to the tenant and the tenant agrees to be gone by then. 

I'm also not getting the rent part.  Sure, she should cover any expenses directly tied to her, like cable in her room, but if she's staying in school and substituting household chores for rent, I don't get why money needs to be part of this.  It's a landlord/tenant relationship minus the rent.

Tea Drinker

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #39 on: January 14, 2014, 08:47:32 PM »
A couple of general points: one is, do you mean no visitors at all, or no overnight guests? Either is okay to ask, but they are different things--and someone who might be fine with a "no overnight guests" rule could decide that she doesn't want to live somewhere where she can't have someone over even for a cup of coffee. More to the point, someone who thinks she's agreed to not have an overnight guest might be unhappy if she asked whether it would be okay to have company for dinner sometime--with her doing the cooking for herself, her guest, and you if you wanted--and was told "I thought you understood you're not supposed to have guests."

Also, if you're going to do this, it's probably worth saying something like "this is what I would need for this to work out....Is there anything else you think we should discuss?" Not from an entitlement viewpoint, but based on the idea that she may have past experiences such that she wants to know how early it would be okay for her to get up and do yoga, or is it okay to brush the dog inside the house, or do you care what ringtone she uses.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

hannahmollysmom

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #40 on: January 15, 2014, 02:01:35 AM »
She arrived today. We established boundaries and rules. I had to tell her to stop saying Thank You! She thought she was going to have to live in her car.

I got home from work tonight, and on the counter were flowers, a bottle of wine, and a very sincere card, (as well as a bag of Cheez Doodles! She remembered!) She even did some cleaning!

She knows this is just temporary, and I think we will be fine. I was concerned when I first made the decision as I have a tendency to agree to something before really thinking it out, but in this case, I think I did the right thing.

And her pets are adorable, quiet, well behaved, and as far as the suggestion of me taking the dog, I would hate to separate them as her family has already abandoned her, so to take her beloved pets away, would be cruel. You can see how much they love her.  Even her cats seem to protect her instead of being aloof. Besides, it would be cruel to the dog. I'm away from home 10 or more hours a day.

Thank you all for your suggestions, and I will stay on top of things. Like I said before, she is like my 3rd child, and as she said in her card, "blood is not always thicker than water, love is."

hannahmollysmom

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #41 on: January 15, 2014, 02:08:13 AM »
Oh, I forgot to mention, she brought her own laundry detergent, etc. She said she forgot toilet paper, and I told her not to worry about it. She is 27, so I am confident that she will be responsible for her own up keep, and she is a cleaning fanatic, so win win for me!  ;D

Marbles

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #42 on: January 15, 2014, 02:10:31 AM »
Wonderful news! I hope that you both find this time together rewarding.  :)

sweetonsno

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #43 on: January 15, 2014, 03:27:53 AM »
Great news! Bonus moms are the best.

Hmmmmm

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Re: And another request: "3rd" child moving in
« Reply #44 on: January 15, 2014, 09:46:38 AM »
I'm so happy about the update. I'm sure you two will have a couple of bumps here and there like anyone living together, but it sounds like it might be fun to have a roomy for a little while.