Author Topic: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)  (Read 6740 times)

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veronaz

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #30 on: February 10, 2014, 10:39:57 PM »
It is Monday night. I am sitting here and I heard a knock at my door. I am not expecting anyone. Why open the door if I am not expecting anyone? Even if it's not him, could be a salesperson, or someone looking to case the place or worse. Whomever it was that knocked was very persistent. They kept knocking and knocking for about 5 full minutes. Then my phone rang. I have not checked to see who it is, because my phone is sitting in the kitchen, where I have curtains wide open (it's been dark for an hour and I just haven't got around to closing them). In case he walked around the back. I don't want him to see me. I'm on an upper floor. So what he would see from outside is, all my lights on, car out front, curtains at front closed, and a full view into the kitchen. So now I feel I have to hide in my front room for the next half hour to make sure he's gone by the time I venture into the kitchen, and I wanted to make dinner in a few minutes.

Not that I am scared of him, but I WAS NOT EXPECTING HIM. I thought he was going to be away till Wed. I told him I don't like drop-ins, and he seemed to agree not to do it, and NOW HE'S DONE IT ANYWAY.

What if I had company? What if I had a new guy in my life and they happened to be over for dinner? What if I was waiting for a new date to pick me up? What if this is just a plain old interruption to whatever it was I was doing? (It *is* 7 PM when a lot of people are eating dinner).

I don't appreciate having my personal space invaded in this way, having to hide out in my living room when I am hungry, and it confirms what I feel and what you are all telling me to do.

Wow.

Raintree, you really need to stop wondering/fretting/churning things over in your mind.  You continue to think about him. analyze, and go thru various "what if" scenarios.  Not good.  Afraid to answer the phone and the door.  Devoting large chunks of time and energy to Steve. 

You say you don't want contact with him.  Then send him a note, tell him to stop contacting you.  Period.  Then move on with your life.

Your etiquette issue has been addressed; I think now you're veering into another direction.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2014, 10:46:49 PM by veronaz »

Psychopoesie

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #31 on: February 10, 2014, 10:59:30 PM »
Pod veronaz.

He's making you feel really uncomfortable. He's not listening when you ask him to cut it out. The behaviour you describe makes me feel icky just reading about it and I'm not even there.

I don't understand why you're even waiting to talk with the guy. Or planning to ask him if he's the one who knocked (does it really matter - you're done with being friends whatever he says, yes?). Just do it - send a snail mail letter & keep a copy.

Please don't let this keep gnawing away at your peace of mind.




veronaz

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #32 on: February 10, 2014, 11:03:22 PM »
Thanks Psychopoesie.

OP, I don't mean to make you feel worse, but you need to get hold of yourself.  I also don't see why you're intent on talking to him in person.  Bad idea, but good luck whatever you decide to do.

Raintree

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #33 on: February 10, 2014, 11:25:21 PM »
I also don't see why you're intent on talking to him in person. 

Mostly because he doesn't use email or text or IM, and while I have told him I am not interested in him romantically, I have not told him (yet) to stop calling me and he would have every reason to think that I am still happy to hang out with him, in spite of not wanting a relationship (in his mind, "yet."). I've told him I don't want a relationship and up to now I've thought that occasionally hanging out was OK. But it dawned on me that just hanging out as friends wasn't going to work for him (or me), which was what prompted me to make my first post.  I can either listen to my phone ring a zillion times and ignore and ignore, and wonder if he's going to show up, or I can have the conversation in which I tell him that not only do I not want a relationship, but I also want to end the "hanging out as friends." I feel that is only fair too, as how would he know I don't want to hang out as friends anymore unless I tell him? So I think I'm obligated to have a voice conversation about it, or listen to umpteen voice messages until he gives up.

It probably was not him knocking on the door, but my state of high alert and discomfort at the knock is testament to how he is making me feel. I agree we are moving out of etiquette territory and I've had some good advice here on how to handle that conversation when it occurs (which it would have, already, if he hadn't gone out of town).

cicero

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #34 on: February 11, 2014, 04:24:01 AM »
I also don't see why you're intent on talking to him in person. 

Mostly because he doesn't use email or text or IM, and while I have told him I am not interested in him romantically, I have not told him (yet) to stop calling me and he would have every reason to think that I am still happy to hang out with him, in spite of not wanting a relationship (in his mind, "yet."). I've told him I don't want a relationship and up to now I've thought that occasionally hanging out was OK. But it dawned on me that just hanging out as friends wasn't going to work for him (or me), which was what prompted me to make my first post.  I can either listen to my phone ring a zillion times and ignore and ignore, and wonder if he's going to show up, or I can have the conversation in which I tell him that not only do I not want a relationship, but I also want to end the "hanging out as friends." I feel that is only fair too, as how would he know I don't want to hang out as friends anymore unless I tell him? So I think I'm obligated to have a voice conversation about it, or listen to umpteen voice messages until he gives up.

It probably was not him knocking on the door, but my state of high alert and discomfort at the knock is testament to how he is making me feel. I agree we are moving out of etiquette territory and I've had some good advice here on how to handle that conversation when it occurs (which it would have, already, if he hadn't gone out of town).
raintree - please stop. just stop. you are over thinking this and giving him way too much space in your brain.

take a deep breath and... take the control back.

oh. kay.

Now - *his* issues (being a doofus, not having email, texts etc) are not *your* problem. so stop making them into your problem.

Your goal is to "break up" with him -so just do it. leave him a voice mail, send him a letter, whatever and then block him so he doesn't leave you 100 messages. talk to your friends IRL and have a couple of guys hang around in case you need reinforcements. and move on.

This isn't a relationship. it is n't a *thing* - it's an attempt to revive something from 14 years ago that you now say should probably never have happened -  so don't let it become a thing.

you don't owe him an explanation. there is no "obligation". seriously. so he bought you supper from a place that was a bit fancier than what you expected? big deal. that doesn't mean you are now "obligated".

major hugs and gentle kick in the derrier.

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Raintree

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #35 on: February 11, 2014, 05:31:38 AM »
He doesn't have voice mail either. Seriously. And I don't have his mailing address. So my choices are to either suddenly stop answering the phone and have him clog up my voice mail because I haven't told him I'm no longer going to hang out with him even as friends (last he heard I did want to be friends) or I can wait till he gets back and take the bull by the horns and tell him. I only asked for help with what to say. And I got some good advice.

I will update you all when I've spoken to him and told him to stop. He can't know I want him to stop contact unless I tell him. If he was some stranger I'd have no qualms about simply ignoring and hoping he got the message but this is someone I once cared about, so this is a bit different in nuance.

Thanks all!

cicero

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #36 on: February 11, 2014, 05:36:50 AM »
He doesn't have voice mail either. Seriously. And I don't have his mailing address. So my choices are to either suddenly stop answering the phone and have him clog up my voice mail because I haven't told him I'm no longer going to hang out with him even as friends (last he heard I did want to be friends) or I can wait till he gets back and take the bull by the horns and tell him. I only asked for help with what to say. And I got some good advice.

I will update you all when I've spoken to him and told him to stop. He can't know I want him to stop contact unless I tell him. If he was some stranger I'd have no qualms about simply ignoring and hoping he got the message but this is someone I once cared about, so this is a bit different in nuance.

Thanks all!
sorry, i didn't mean to upset you - i didnt' realize you literally had no other way of contacting him other than actually talking with him on the phone. I didn't mean that you should just become a black hole without saying a word - i meant to "give him the message" and then disappear , not realizeing that you really have no way to do that.

hope it all goes smoothly.

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