Author Topic: A friendly way to ask?  (Read 6694 times)

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RavenousEdenFleur

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A friendly way to ask?
« on: January 15, 2014, 12:31:28 AM »
My friend has been seeing someone for a couple months. They seem very happy but are taking it pretty slow. I will call him Joe. Joe has said he's not really seeing anyone else else but Sally, Sally has gone on a few casual dates but keeps going back to Joe. Joe is always inviting Sally over and being very attentive towards her. So she has been feeling like something is developing.

Sally has a good friend name Jamie who works with Joe's best friend Steve. One day Steve and Jamie were chatting about something and Steve says "Oh I need to invite Joe over for movie night, he has this girl he is dating named Amy I would like to meet her" Jamie was VERY surprised...  ??? what about Sally? Jamie tells Sally this information and then later Steve says he may have misspoke and tries to backtrack.

So now Sally is at a loss. Is there an etiquette friendly way to ask if he is getting serious with someone else and maybe she needs to back off?

PastryGoddess

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2014, 12:52:46 AM »
This is not an etiquette question...or maybe I'm just missing something  ???

RavenousEdenFleur

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2014, 01:05:14 AM »
I thought of it as asking an uncomfortable question, do you ever question something you hear from a third party? It seems kind of juvenile... but what do I know? That is why I was asking.

Kiwichick

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2014, 04:32:02 AM »
It's entirely possible that Steve just got Sally's name wrong.

Yvaine

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2014, 07:00:23 AM »
It sounds like Sally isn't all that serious about Joe either (she's gone on dates with other people during their relationship too) and it may be that Joe has realized this and is starting to move on. But it isn't really an etiquette thing. She needs to talk to him about whether they're exclusive or not and where they stand, but there isn't an etiquette script for it.

Arila

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2014, 11:39:45 AM »
I think what I said to my now-hubby was:

"I am no longer inclined to see anyone romantically aside from you. Do you feel the same?"

The status of relationship talk is pretty standard, especially after several dates. It is fair to be very clear about the expectation and commitment to begin monogamy.

Teenyweeny

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2014, 11:52:00 AM »
And this is why I'm glad that we don't date like this in the UK. If you agree to a second date, exclusivity is implied. I think that most people (IME) would be unpleasantly surprised if they found out that anybody else was on the scene at that point, unless an open relationship had been explicitly agreed upon.



auntmeegs

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2014, 11:52:16 AM »
My friend has been seeing someone for a couple months. They seem very happy but are taking it pretty slow. I will call him Joe. Joe has said he's not really seeing anyone else else but Sally, Sally has gone on a few casual dates but keeps going back to Joe. Joe is always inviting Sally over and being very attentive towards her. So she has been feeling like something is developing.

Sally has a good friend name Jamie who works with Joe's best friend Steve. One day Steve and Jamie were chatting about something and Steve says "Oh I need to invite Joe over for movie night, he has this girl he is dating named Amy I would like to meet her" Jamie was VERY surprised...  ??? what about Sally? Jamie tells Sally this information and then later Steve says he may have misspoke and tries to backtrack. So now Sally is at a loss. Is there an etiquette friendly way to ask if he is getting serious with someone else and maybe she needs to back off?

Based on the bolded statement, I bet anything that Steve has already given Joe the head-up that he put his foot in his mouth and so I think Sally should just be open and ask Joe what's going on. 

Oh Joy

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2014, 11:57:58 AM »
...
So now Sally is at a loss. Is there an etiquette friendly way to ask if he is getting serious with someone else and maybe she needs to back off?

Not quite.  Rather than asking if he's seeing other people, it's better phrased as a check-in of whether "we" want to keep seeing other people or if we want to start talking about making it exclusive.  With the right tone and wording, it's a mature yet casual - and entirely normal - discussion.  At least in my regional and generational experience.  ;-)

Good luck to her!

amylouky

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2014, 03:07:45 PM »
Has Sally met Steve? Could he have just messed up her name?

Twik

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2014, 03:23:49 PM »
And this is why I'm glad that we don't date like this in the UK. If you agree to a second date, exclusivity is implied.
So, you have one date to make a decision, monogamy or nothing? I couldn't do that.
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PastryGoddess

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2014, 03:29:57 PM »
And this is why I'm glad that we don't date like this in the UK. If you agree to a second date, exclusivity is implied. I think that most people (IME) would be unpleasantly surprised if they found out that anybody else was on the scene at that point, unless an open relationship had been explicitly agreed upon.

I know plenty of people in the UK who date around until they click with the right person. I also know people here in the US who expect monogamy from the get go.  It has nothing to do with nationality and everything to do with individual preferences and wants.

Hmmmmm

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2014, 03:59:57 PM »
And this is why I'm glad that we don't date like this in the UK. If you agree to a second date, exclusivity is implied. I think that most people (IME) would be unpleasantly surprised if they found out that anybody else was on the scene at that point, unless an open relationship had been explicitly agreed upon.

I have never heard this? Is it a new trend?

MrTango

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2014, 04:12:04 PM »
In my experience, it has worked well to pick a place and time where you can have a conversation and to pose the question: "Where do you see our relationship going?"  Try to ask in a pleasant tone, in a situation where both of you are comfortable and relaxed.

When LadyTango and I started going out on dates, I was also going out with another woman (both of them knew about the other, and in fact there were times when all three of us would get together for an event).  Really, it was more a matter of two good friends going out for dinner.

Eventually, I had a conversation with each of them and asked the above question.  Their responses and our ensuing conversations resulted in LadyTango and I becoming more involved and eventually getting married.  As for the other woman: We're still very good friends, and she even stood in our wedding.


greencat

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2014, 04:12:51 PM »
And this is why I'm glad that we don't date like this in the UK. If you agree to a second date, exclusivity is implied. I think that most people (IME) would be unpleasantly surprised if they found out that anybody else was on the scene at that point, unless an open relationship had been explicitly agreed upon.

I have never heard this? Is it a new trend?

I know people who expect this in the US - I am definitely not one of them, but I've run into situations where men I had agreed to a second date with acted a little crazy when they realized that a second date with them did not mean we were in an exclusive relationship.  That usually resulted in the second date getting canceled!